JohnnyV

I work in a hotel in Berlin so, thanks to the pandemic, my salary was drastically diminished. Nevertheless, my managers gave me a very complicated and time-consuming task. When I heard what I had to do I got really mad, and I kicked a door really hard. The impact fractured my toe and it also damaged the door. It’s a miracle I didn’t get fired. This happened four weeks ago and during these four weeks, all I thought is that my depression finally made me hurt myself. I am 32 years old. I never had a girlfriend. I never had sex. I kissed a girl only once, more than ten years ago. And I am really, really frustrated about this. But I am not ready for a relationship, because my life right now is a complete disaster. I was born somewhere in Eastern Europe and I moved to Germany three years ago. I still don’t speak German well enough to get a decent job, and that’s another big frustration. But I cannot go to another country because I moved here to be close to my sister. She is my last living relative. And we’ve been through a lot together. Between 2005 and 2016 almost all my family died. My mother, my father, three of our grandparents, and two uncles. So, when my sister moved to Germany I decided to stay close to her just in case something bad happens again. Unfortunately, things got really ugly for me after moving here. I live in a very small room in an apartment owned by my sister’s boyfriend. So, if their complicated relationship falls apart, I will have to urgently find a new place to stay. And I don’t have the money for that yet. Since I have a bad job, all my savings are ridiculously low. I’m slowly becoming addicted to alcohol. I eat too much junk food. I drink too much caffeine (to wake myself up after those dark nights in which I pump so much alcohol in my system.) I live my life in a very self-destructing way. The huge irony is that I live in a country that offers access to free mental health professionals. But since I am unable to learn the language, I don’t have access to it. So, my only option is to just suffer alone in my small room while I think about a plan to escape my personal hell.

A coworker of mine has a sister that got fired a few months ago and was unable to find a new job before the pandemic. "Finally, I am a normal person", she said when the lockdown was in effect.

You got some good advice here. I just want to add one more thing. Don't fall into that "am I a good person?" trap. You're neither good nor bad. You're just trying to understand yourself.

You're not alone. We're here for you. Sending lots of positive vibes and virtual hugs.