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  1. I don’t know what happened really but we argued about sending laptop in the mail and I didn’t like how I was spoken to and the last item he sent me asked for a password and he couldn’t tell me the password so I became suspicious and we argued and I told him to get out of my life and he used to send me stuff he wanted to sell and wanted me to sell it and I don’t want any part in that anymore. Before we stopped talking he put his hand out for money I owed him and I pointed out that the value of the drive I sent him and he kept it, so he said we are even and have a nice life. I don’t know how I could keep helping someone out if I can’t trust them and he couldn’t show me the proof that he brought any of the stuff or owns it but maybe I am just being a jerk, It got me down because we were friends for a time and I enjoyed talking to him but I need to be able to trust the people in my life and I don’t give my trust easily
  2. I understand where you are coming from, We spend much time at home alone due to illness both mental health and physical health and not much changes other than post became slower and it’s harder to sell things. A lot of people like my father like to do things all the time and people get bored but I spent most of my childhood so bored that I learned to entertain myself. I spend time with our pets or play games, listen to tv or play music and once a week we do the shopping online for food and then they dump it on the door step and we put it away. I love to be in my bed where I feel safe from the world, if it was healthy I would live in my room for good if I want to go out for a walk I can because it’s deserted and safe and the pollution levels are at an all time low, within a few weeks the air is great no steady flow of trucks driving past like before. For a few weeks my life was upside down trying to gather food and supplies and in the future I want to be more prepared for shortage of things, I know that one day something will hit us worse than this pandemic be it a natural disaster or something bad and it may thin the population but I would happily live in an underground bunker in a forest for years I believe this pandemic could badly impact the economy if it carries on for very long, a lot of jobs like bankers took their jobs home by using phones and laptops at home but not all jobs can become digital as easily and I think a lot of local businesses who can’t offer delivery may lose their business, a lot of pubs may never open their doors again it’s strange times we are living in
  3. Louis is One of my baby Kitten (bottom right) He has the face of an angel and he is growing up. These photos were taken today these times are difficult because of lockdown etc but god gave us these five beautiful kittens and I wish I could keep them all but our home isn’t big enough to have 8 cats Our neighbours cat is the daddy and he is quiet a big cat and he is about 16 years old which is old in cat years. I love animals more than people because they don’t hide who they are inside, what you see is what you get with cats and they won’t ever hurt you on purpose like people can over the weeks I am going to take more photos and video of Louis and his bothers and sisters today I cuddled them and I started some new plants in the garden but I don’t know if the seeds will snow or not but I also made a make shift propagator to sow some of my seeds in case the others outdoors don’t grow, these seeds I got are rare but only time will tell. I also got some spearmint to try and grow was well as some poppies and tomatoes
  4. Society bugs me because it’s not fair. It feels like the odds are stacked against you and the one size fits all rule system is broken and mad at best I mean look at the legal system for example in America if someone robs you and you defend yourself, it’s fair game but in the UK they’d arrest you. In America you pick up a baseball bat and wave it around and you get shot by a cop but in the UK you’d just get arrested, people can steal money from you or scam you and they don’t want to know. Companies in the UK can open as many businesses as they like and change the name and ring up huge debts and walk away without any come back and its legal. You go to apply for work and they favoured people with qualifications and no skill fresh out college yet if you didn’t have school due to bullying they will never return your call Or application even though you could run rings around any of those college kids with the knowledge and skills you have and it’s madness and it’s stuff like that, that bugs me and I’ve experienced corruption and your average joe on the street just doesn’t have a clue what goes on behind closed doors. I don’t like living a society that I don’t agree with but I don’t have much choice
  5. I cuddles my kittens my cat gave birth to 5 adorable cuties and they are about 3 and a half weeks old but the mum trusts me with her kittens so I was able to handle them at a young age and they are beautiful they are Bengal cross cross but one of two of them have strong Bengal features and I want to keep two of them and find good homes for the others.
  6. I drank Arrow Root Milk with honey but next time I will make it with less honey as a little goes a long way I heated it In a pan and mixed the ingredients and served it hot and it’s good for my tummy
  7. I am watching flushed away it’s animated about a rat and it’s comforting in the same way I found turbo comforting
  8. I was bullied most of my life and the worst was when I used to get beaten in the taxi on the way to school every day, one day I came home with a bruise across my back the shape of a boot print where I was kicked in the back and stomped on I never knew violence until I went to school and was harmed. I used to shake in fear when I was getting close to school and my dad said why didn’t I tell him and he could have done something but the bullies told me if I told anyone they would **** me. One day I had enough of being tortured all day at school and I snapped, got the bully in a head lock and just kept hitting him, but that didn’t solve anything. Eventually I kept getting taken out of school by my father and I was moved from school to school and the bullying continued until one day he took me out and never went back, never was home schooled and it hurt my future career wise and staying in the car for hours on end while dad worked, unable to use the bathroom is what causes my panic attacks and even after school I was still bullied in the street, shot with a air pistol, chased by a bully who was armed with a knife. My life has passed me by and I am to sick to work and I couldn’t even get a Job at a checkout and then I was sexually abused at 14 and that’s my life. I am a survivor but I don’t know how much longer I can survive and these experiences have changed me but, but not for the better I wish I could go back in time and change things I wish I could have my life back, the icing on the cake is when people blamed it on me and told me that it’s all my fault because I can’t get on with other people and said apparently it’s me that has the problem with society and not the other way around which is classic victim blaming. They stole something from me and I want it back, I want control back. I debate revenge or selling my soul to get revenge but all I have left is the thought of finding peace when I lay my bones to rest and that is what keeps me from revenge. I will never forget the time that people cheered this guy Paul to hit me and I tried to shield my head and face but he cracked me right in the gut and winded me and I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t talk and I tried to get help but nobody knew what was wrong and I thought I was going to die but the teachers didn’t give a dam and wouldn’t let me go home. It was times like that, where a little bit more of me died inside.
  9. today I woke up and the room is spinning round and round and I feel useless for letting my partner down but despite feeling faint I emptied the kitty litter and cleaned the floor but I really angry that she left salmon on the floor over night that she left for the cats and it stank the whole place out so I have said that I don't want cooked meat to be left overnight in the cats bowls it not fair to them and its not fair to us. Since I am very ill at the moment with some kind of allergic reaction to a medicine I took and I spoke to the doctors but I have been very very ill and can't manage much, at night I having these dreams that feel like they are real life like I am there, feeling what is happening and in my dreams last night I was walking through a big hole in a carpark and there was a waterfall and we swang across it with a rope and I got across and then the rope broke when someone else used it and he fell and I was arrested for him falling becuase I didnt stay there and on court day people in the waiting room beat me up and the cops told them to do it so the case got dismissed. the dreams are wild and weird and I wake up disoriented, feeling dizzy like vertigo, my tummy constantly hurts and I have no appetite but somehow manage to need the bathroom 8 or more times a day and I have a lot of severe random pains. I think its a reaction to my new medicine, the doctor thinks its a tummy virus or food poisoning but all I know is its lasted nearly 7 days and I have barely eaten and I cry at the most silly things. I feel I need mental health treatment but I got an email saying its not going to happen until futher notice due to covid-19 lockdown and I understand all that but my mental health isnt going to pause for covid-19 and I feel selfish saying that because I am not in any way trying to take priority or wishing to sound mean I just feel distressed and have feel suicidal over the past few days. the jobs to do are going up and up, every day there is a new dead mouse that the cats have dragged in, they need cleaning, feeding, but my partner has done some of it while I have been sick, but we both struggle and on my own I could not manage to look after a house and I can barely look after myself, I can't hold up a job due to my disability, I have put on a ton of weight and the more bad things that happens just feels like another nail in my coffin and a step towards an early grave. I fear death I really do because I don't know what comes next, if I will find peace or of I will continue to suffer and that scares me more than life. I just feel like a visitor here in this world, like I dont belong and that I am stranded here, not knowing what to do or where I went wrong or how to find my way back home I love my parents but they left me to parent myself because they were struggling with their own mental health issues and grief and they did the best they could but I had little guidance in life other than the religion and law that used to get droned in to me from an early age. They would remind me how I made nothing of my life, how I failed and how I didn't give them grandchildren and when I told them about my mental health they were never understanding, for example when my uncle had a panic attack my parents said they wish they had enough time and money to have a panic attack and I just throught that was a very horrible horrible thing to have said. I have made plenty of mistake in my life, but a lot of my issued were caused by other people harming me and sometimes I wake up in our bed screaming I dont know where I am, where am I. In the past I could rise above my troubles but after 25 years they start to weigh you down and for many years I bottled things up and bottled things up becuase you are told to men up and I remember one day at school I broke down in the school cantiene and could not stop crying and I didn't want people to see it I never wanted anyone to see me cry but after many years I learned it was ok to cry that it was nothing to be shamed of. growing up we moved around a lot and moved schools a lot and was bullied a lot I think it is because I am on the autistic spectrum, I spent summer holidays stuck with my dad at work with nothing to do and he would leave me in the car and I one day we were driving home after a long day and we stopped at some traffic lights and that was my first panic attack, my dad was just crap and didn't help or maybe he just did not know how to but I told him I could not breathe and he didn't take much notice and my parents barely took me to doctors let alone be registered with one and they with me a medical issue which nearly killed me because it was left untreated for many many years that they knew about but refused to get me treatment until one day I was in so much pain that even I could not cope with it and I asked them to get me help and they would not so I had to get myself help and I was rushed to hospital where they said that my blood had turned bad and they didn't know if they could save me or not. I dont know how you process all of that when I bottled it up for so long and I just think it festers over time. sorry
  10. I spent two days being harassed by bullieS and I feel really triggered badly all I did was post my game console for sale and then I got a ton of abuse fast accusing me on being a scammer and then they accused me of being someone else and then the verbal abuse started and it went on and on and on and on and then I woke up and someone snapped a key off on my front lock and it locked me out, I had to gently lever it out and I’ve had enough of people it just makes me want to die.
  11. for my partner and I we just stay at home and we dont see anybody, we some times go for walks for exercise because its rural and not much contact with people. our mail/post goes in to Quarantine which means we dont open it for at least 3 days and then the packaging goes in the bin and then we eithe use anti bacterial wipes on the items that arrived or we just wash out hands. for food and drink we managed to get a weekly slot booked for food delivery and they just dump the bags on the door step and ring the doorbell and leave it there and we go out and collect it and then use anti bacterial wipes on the cold foods for the fridge etc or run them under the tap and then put them away and the rest of the stuff stays in their bags for three days and then we use the stuff. we spent 2 weeks stocking up on tinned food prior to the lockdown and even sent family a food parcel. it drags you down but I know my partner could possibly die from it and even healthy people are getting very ill and dying and the media keeps telling me that its going to last for 2 years which I hope not. with any flu I take Preventative measures like taking my flu remedies and I also have a bandanna I use if I have to go out or interact with people. when I used the cash machine I took a wipe to clean down the keypad and screen, when we get take away food delivered I wash all the containers but dont worrya bout the food becuase the food is very hot which I feel should **** anything in the food that may be a virus I might be, being paranoid but I dont want to put my family at risk, my relative who also cant get this flu because they are on immune blockers also just stays indoors and wont even go outside which I cant say I blame them and they do the same with their post.
  12. I feel really burnt out a lot is going on including this lock down, our cat got pregnant and has given birth to kittens but she decides to move them every 7 days and last night she decided to try and move them behind the tv set and nearly knocked it over, last time she moved them to behind the unsorted boxes and then she lost a kitten and it took me two days to get the place straight again so I decided to put the kittens in a basket in the kitchen along with mummy cat and she seems to have stayed there with them. Then I purchased a hard drive online from a second hand shop and it arrived and it had personal data on it which belonged to a well known rain company so I did the right thing and contacted them, I also contacted the store I brought it from and many emails exchanged between us and at the last moment they send a courier to collect the drive and then compensated me for being without the drive and for the drive itself which I didn’t ask for but I was grateful. Then today was a chores day and I had to get up super early for this collection, I then did the chores, put the rabbits out in to their run and I had to stay out in the sun to watch them as they try to dig big holes in the ground and I had a funny turn I think it was from the heat after a few hours and I had to come in doors. My partner expect me to do more and more and I am out of shape and burnt out and I just think to myself that I struggle to even give the rabbits a nice time because I don’t have the energy but I try because I love them very much. It feels like we live in dark times and I posted an advert to try and make money by offering a data recovery service online and then I got a ton of abuse from local people and I’ve had a lot of abuse online from people lately and I am sick of it. I just want to curl up in bed and cuddle up and relax so I might do that. My teeth are really bad too but with this lockdown I don’t know when it will be safe to visit the dentist again so I try to put up with my teeth because we are self-isolating like many people due to health reasons. Teddy Rick x
  13. my name is Rick I am new here, I drew my own profile picture, I suffer from depression, panic attacks and chronic pain I am 25 I love art
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