Hello. My name is Nick, or let's call me by that. I currently live in Sweden and I am a student. I am looking for answers and I want to share my story. Please bare with me, english is not my main language so please excuse spelling / grammar mistakes.
I don't find anything enjoyable or fun. Everything is a pain.
I have always been a 'Nerd' and I often used to get bullied for that. I've never fit in. Over the years I've developed a character that apologizes for someone elses mistakes. Imagine Shouko from 'A silent Voice' yeah, that's exactly what I mean. But instead of being deaf, I have the voice of hers and the character of her Never to be heard. Always bearing the weight of thinking I am a burden and a curse to everyone else, wondering when my time will come. I've always wonderd why I am not fitting in, why I am an outcast, if I got destined to go down that path or something else. I have always wonderd what life and death is, if there's something else after it. For the last 5 years, I've always questioned myself if that or that was the right move to do. I've contemplated suicide or faking my death numerous times. I see this world as being cursed, as some humans don't fit in. I'd much rather go to a fiction world where I can live my life. Alot of people always ask me why I am always tired and how much I sleep, that's because I oversleep. I sleep for 11-12 hours a day not because I need to, but because I choose to. I use my imagination to create the perfect world for me. I've spent probably thousands of hours going over this world all the time. I love lucid dreaming, this is where I feel the best. The best way to describe this world is the ideal 'Anime' world. No i'm not talking about Shounen or magic animes, I'm talking just about a plain anime world. Where violence is non existent and everyone seems to live happy. As I said before, I see this world as cursed. Our ancestors printed into our brain that living in groups and hunting and living freely was our freedom because we are animals. This modern day society goes against all that. No I am not saying modern day is bad, we have made huge improvements but what I am saying is that we cannot do anything anymore. Now, everyone is saying that life is a gift and bla bla bla, but I think the opposite. I see life as a curse. Emotions are non existent for me, I've never felt emotions as long as I can remember. Love is fake, family is just your ancestors blood and flesh passed down from generation to generation. I believe emotions are nothing but bullshit. Emotions for me are just wired connections in your brain and chemicals, the same goes for your conciousness. Just a bunch of electrical signals with no meaning. I believe after you parish you go somewhere that you yourself imagine. I cannot wait until my death date, where I will be free of this curse and move on. I don't know if a soul exists or not, but I do believe that something else wonders on. I believe your subconciousness wonders on. That is our real conciousness, our soul. Scientist say that your subconciouness stores data and controls your own emotionalized thoughts, hopes, and desires. But what if you don't have any of those? What have you achieved? You my friend have achieved the true understanding of life. That nothing matters because eventually we will all perish. People also say that our eyes is the key to our soul, and I live by that. If you look into someones eyes you can always tell what they are feeling, but when people have looked into mine I've always seen a face of disgust. I don't know if that's because I'm ugly or that my eyes are blank, probably that my eyes are blank because they are. I believe that once you've accepted yourself and cleared your head and realized what I have just been saying, you're let go. You are let free. That is when your true concioussnes will awaken, because then the soul aka your subconciousness can go to rest and wait for you to die and you'll be taken somewhere else. I don't know if a god or higher lifeform exists so I can't say for certain, but I don't think you get taken to a paradise of some sort. I believe you are taken to somewhere where you can chose your next life. I want my death quick so I can forever dream and create my ideal world, I know my death will impact alot of people and all that. This next phrase I am about to say will sound selfish but I think it's true for every human. "Your death date is the only time anyone will care about you, no wait, that was an understatement. Your death date is when someone will regognize you." I live my life day by day and I had dreams about a school shooter or something comes into my classroom, I've always been prepared to be killed by one, I will try to look like I am defending my class mates when in reality I am planning my own escape from this world. A certain someone said this to me once: "You know, this world is not always for everyone. I can't help your further. Sorry."
I'm free to open any questions regarding my life. I feel like noone understands me and I am here to find someone who can truly understand me.