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About koikoi

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  • Birthday 04/22/1996

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  1. Hey. My friends who somehow knows how i feel like keep recommending me like finding a pro - help from a therapist or they're like "i'm here for you" bla bla bla bla. And like i'm so sick of hearing all the basic wiki-how:to-save-your-friend-from-suicidal-thoughts bullshit. Don't get me wrong, i like my friends and i know they mean it well, but...To be honest, i really regret telling them at the first place - no i actually hate the fact they know. Because somehow it seems so selfish from me, to just occupy their minds with my stuff. I hate the fact, i'm forcing them to think so hard what to write back, because i will never apreciate anything they would write. I just can help myself - everytime i hear/read/whatever some kind of emotional support from them, it makes me just angry and disgusted. But once again, i like my friends and i don't want to be mean to them. But, i don't believe there's anything they could do for me. Because what i realise - why nothing helps and why i will never go to a therapeut - is that i actually don't want to be saved. I don't want help. I just want to end it. I'm tired. Of trying. And my sick mind is convinced (yea i actually realise, how absurd this is and that it's not true at all), that if i'm not able to save myself (like by my own, without help) and deal with my problems alone, then my life is not worthed. My existence is worthless in that case. Because you can have so many people in your life or you can be a loner, but after all it's always just you. You have to live with yourself. And that's why, i don't believe some other help could...like help me. And you know, i tried. I think i feel like this ...i guess from the age of 15, in April i'll be 24. So..idk. I lost all my motivation, but i tried. My "sad" period always switch back to "normal" in quite a short time, but this time i think it got so much worse, because this time i have no mood switch anymore, i'm just sad like...2-3 months straight now. I'm not even longer able to "fake it", you know..before my family or co-workers, i'm not able to hide it, so they'll immediately know and keep asking like what's wrong and why i look like that. So anyway...i pick a deadline (pun not intended) for myself. By the end of the year 2020, if everything will still suck and i won't be able to acknowledge any change, i will finally do it. So this is my last try to save myself. I'm sorry, i got carried away. Back to my friends, any suggestion what to do with them? Because like i seriously don't want to be mean to them and i don't want to annoy them or ruin their lives with my permanent dark mood. But at the same time, as i said, i'm really not able to fake it anymore and i don't want to lie to them about my condition. Also if i actually will **** myself , i just want them to know - because they're mostly like...online friends you know and i think that the possibility they would think, that i stopped being friends with them or that i'm just ignoring them is worse than knowing that i'm actually dead. Even though i have some friends and some family members i don't...despise (?) which i like, there's no single person in my life, for who i would like to survive. Or live for...i mean like, there's nobody who can change my mind. I know it sounds kinda shitty. I'm actually really sorry about that and i wish i could have someone like that in my life, someone who i will love so much, but i just don't and i just don't feel it. But all of this doesn't mean, i want to hurt them. Ok, so...this text is probably very confusing, i'm trying to focus, but it's hard for me lately. So i try to sum up everything: I wanna die and i don't want to be helped. I just want to deal with that by myself. I don't want to hurt anyone, but i don't know how to stop to be selfish and mean. So this is it, i quess. Thanks for the possibility to share. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PS: for grammar nazi, i'm sorry..there's probably like tons of mistakes, not a native speaker, but i tried.
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