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Infinite Sequence

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About Infinite Sequence

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  1. I’m trying to have a goal to get back to uni. There was a past system who finished the bachelor degree but now I’m in this other system that cannot finish the masters, due to being different systems. I’m on disability right now, and of course I want to be able to be like a normal person to do that. I’m a bit confused with DID, OSDD and DDNOS. In therapy my past T told me I had a child part popped out during therapy without control or trigger to keep it back in. That would be DID right? I don’t have co-con, but do lose time. Like forgetting most stuff daily of what I’ve done. That old T was not letting this little one go out without an adult present at the end for safety concerns. He seemed like he doesn’t know much about fragmentation, but how is full integration and not, affects functioning?
  2. I desire to answer to one name in therapy despite shifting fragments. Not sure how it will go for this Friday’s appointment with my psychiatrist. I’ve requested to resume meds and start psychotherapy. Not sure how he would react. To my main point here. I’m a teenage boy within the large scaled DID systems we live in. I hate my lady boobs. I have flat chest and a male genital. I know this was forced upon me with dissociation from my feminine gender to feel less targeted and thus safer. I don’t like being treated like a girl. I tend to use singular form to mask my plurality. I try my best to look like one person. This doctor has not diagnosed me with DID yet, but I had diagnosed with this in the past but not him yet and, I wish not to. If I tell him how much memory loss I have daily, and all the communication back and forth with my alters, he might diagnosed me that. Don’t want it actually. I did got C-PTSD though. I want to go slow and don’t want to alarm him too much by the ritual abuse stuff. I want to build trust with him and see how it goes. Since I’ve been to quite many therapists recently who were uncomfortable to treat patients like me with SRA backgrounds. It would perhaps be confronting to tell this doctor, about myself being fragmented at birth, poly-fragmented by the age of 7, complex poly-fragmented by age 15, exponentially complex poly-fragmented systems by age 20 and by age 24 now is an additional “infinite” to that. All were done by calculation via the level of fragments that were splitting at minimum per second, halve, quartered or less. I think I will go low class this Friday. I know no therapists are perfect. That’s why I negotiate this time.
  3. I don’t know what helps but my past T was asking me to point out three things that I can observe to stay grounded and present. She would ask me to mimic her movements. She would tell me I’m in a safe place during therapy to make me feel more comfortable.
  4. I want to have a voice. I want to have some power in my voice as a ritual abuse victim. I want to know that I matter. I want others to understand the weigh behind what I’ve gone through. I want others to not only look at someone else who looks like they’re worse than me. It turns me off when I had no one to validate my own trauma history. It was also extreme. I want love. I was told that I was loved but I haven’t seen true love yet. I hope my wait is not pointless. Those other victims got all the attention. I had none. They were validated again and again and I got none. They were loved again and again to be healed of their pain but I got none. I don’t know why. This always reaffirm me as though I don’t matter. He said he loved me. How? I want to see actions. I’ve been more than faithful. I was ritualistically abused my entire life and got the perception of love twisted. Loving this other victim is the same as loving me? I don’t know how to receive the care that I need, when it was directed to her instead. I never was having direct care. Even after I’ve attempted suicide thrice and survived recently, she was still being taken care of and I never got the same care. In fact, I had none from him. Why am I despised all the time? A man of sorrows? I’ve been abused enough and I got rejected of help. She kept smiling and being grateful for the help. I wished that I could smile by being helped also. She is lifted up in my eyes. She made herself centre stage and I’m always in the background. I’m always the unknown, the unseen. Like a veil of the bride, I’m formless and invisible. I’ve been humble. I believe the humble will be supported soon. The attention of him will be moving from her the older, L by initial and to me R, by initial the younger.
  5. I went to a psychiatrist yesterday. He does psychoanalysis. I was referred by a team of psychologists to see him, due to the complexity of my presentation and was told that he’s not seeing me for the second time. I’m wondering whether it’s the standard of psychoanalysis, that he acted this way? I was having eye contacts. I sat and not lying down on the couch. I never have seen any mental health professionals like this. He had absolutely no eye contacts with me the entire session. He remained in a near foetal position. I wonder. He’s a doctor and I’m a patient. It feels like he looked depressed, when additionally he also spoke in very low tone I had to repeatedly ask him to repeat his saying. Second time I was told my case is complex in a way that is beyond their level of comfort. I have no psychotherapist at the moment. I’ve been told by a psychotherapist in the past who specialised in treating ritual abuse cases that only a psychotherapist and not a psychologist can help my case. He then told me I need a team of professionals, and not just an individual therapist. He said he’s a one man person and cannot cops with treating me who has complex dissociative identity disorder and complex post traumatic stress disorder. A team that includes a psychologist, psychiatrist, a case manager and other mental health professionals at the same time to help me. He said he does not agree that psychoanalysis of a frequency of 4-5 times per week sessions or 2-3 times is something suitable for me, for the nature of the psychodynamic therapy is to let out one’s thoughts freely. He said I’m so distressed and suicidal and fragmented, that it seems like it’s the opposite of what I need. I have not the sense of safety to keep disclosing my trauma history nonstop, as it would only re-traumatise me as he said. I went to a psychiatrist was for financial reason, as it has lower cost than seeing a psychologist for psychotherapy. Also, they have a clinical side to support me clinically.
  6. Yes. I’m starting with a new T just yesterday. It has been very hard to find someone who specialise in ritual abuse cases, complex dissociative identity disorder co-morbid with complex PTSD. She has been my 4th one, but I do hope i will find one suitable. actually the first old T got confused of my complex dissociative presentation, so I got derailed out of therapy. The second old T and third were both trained in complex trauma but not DID, and the fourth now has cost concern who is trained in both like the first, but does not accept disability pensioner like me who pays low cost fees. So I’m possibly finding the fifth T. It’s a hard find due to my complex trauma background and needs.
  7. I have only known pain and humiliation my entire life. My abusers who have relentlessly raped and molested me, have perverted my perception of the meaning of love. Being loved is very frightening, joy is very new and healing is extremely excruciating. They have erased my understanding of what is love, that my therapist during psychotherapy has told me that I am only capable to take little doses of being loved right now, gently, for being loved by others was hurting me. I was self-harming myself, cutting both arms and legs to bleed all over the floor. I have survived multiple suicide attempts, all in July 2019. My abusers, especially A, has intentionally created pain and recurrent exacerbation of major depressive episode on a chronic background of dysthymia, in which I have been suffering from. Without him, darkness would not have happened; the pain that I have coped with was beyond normal human capacity, creating sub-rooms or sub-layers, doors and hallways, where countless of my little ones self-state alters dwell.
  8. For the entire 24 years of my life, I was splitting nonstop every second at a minimum rate, sometimes it has been halved of a second or quartered of a second, producing rapid dissociation, when I was being raped and molested repeatedly by countless of abusers under extreme ritual abuse. I kept dying nonstop in trauma, is what I would label it as “eternal deaths.” I do not believe anyone would want to take my place and to go through what I have gone through. There was no more substance left in me as a proper human; an existence that has not been developed yet. Outsiders cannot base on face-value to discern the level of fragmentation within me, that was caused by my abusers. The trauma was deep enough, it is a feeling of being stuck at conception. I felt like I was being struck by lightning, a sensation that made me float oftentimes, that even the worst earthly pain cannot be compared to what I have suffered.
  9. I am a male, this is what I am feeling inside, despite with a female body outside. This dissociation has been forced upon me to make me feel safer and less targeted. It has protected me. I was mercilessly raped and molested by my abusers, so much that I felt like a toy that they own, an object that is branded worthless and nothing but their plaything for sexual purposes only. They have made me mentally and intellectually disabled, which I would regress into a childlike state in my presentation to others, but outwardly is an adult body. I was crying so much in the dark at night, wetting my clothing, feeling as though no one has seen my tears. I felt very cold inside, extremely humiliated and eternally forsaken. It is a void that is ever-expanding to infinity without end point.
  10. I’m sexually dysfunctional, due to my extensive trauma history. I had no sexual arousal even when seeing complete nakedness during sex. I said I don’t understand what sex means as an adult. Every time when there’s sexual intimacy, I feel extreme humiliation all over again, as though the abuse was happening again. I was abused from age 1-24, suffered extreme sexual, physical and psychological ritual abuse. Plus, I always have the tendency to feel forced during sex, resembling rape, with my partner. The inclination to wanting to feel forced in everything sexual, was programmed by my past abusers. I couldn’t seem to be natural.
  11. I’m currently on disability, too mentally disabled that I’m home bound most of the time, with lack of relationships and friendships, due to my deep seated mistrust, as directly birthed out of very extensive traumas and, cannot attend university, due to being intellectually disabled by my abusers. I’m in a mess right now, as though there’s no hope. I’m coping with RA flashbacks still, which froze me into my traumatised position day in and out.
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