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Seeker206

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  1. Worried about conflict with roommates and a talk tomorrow, but remarkably calm. I've been taking steps to feel better, and am continuing to do so. Trying to stay on track.
  2. Thanks for posting this. I was brushing the whole thing off until a couple of days ago. It has been worrisome, but the information you present here is very important to bear in mind. The fatality rate of this illness is quite low. Most of those who contract it do recover. And even among those who develop symptoms, most symptoms are very mild. One concern that's really been plaguing me is the ability of our healthcare systems to respond to those who do develop severe symptoms. What if the influx of even 2% of 331,000,000 people into our hospitals causes severe problems? And how will that affect those who need treatment for other things? How will it affect supply chains? China and South Korea responded very aggressively, and their citizens take the warnings of their governments seriously. I don't trust the US to do the same, or our citizens to respond in kind. Also, the cost of living in the west is so high that I doubt many people could afford to self-quarantine for long. I know I couldn't, if circumstances required me to. (Though I'm already in a kind of unwanted isolation due to poverty and sickness, my family members aren't and won't be--and neither will my roommates.) I also live far from my family, and if there is some kind of mandatory quarantine put in place, I want to be near them when it happens, not trapped here.
  3. I've always had the same mindset. It definitely doesn't attract people. I'm also working on not expressing it so much, and it's *really* hard reining myself in because sometimes, I'm honestly just looking for some support, but a lot of people are put off even by that (or by seeking it in that way). People are noticeably more pleased with me when I drop the negativity...unless they're negative themselves, and then it's often a relief and tend to get along well. lol. When the tables are turned and someone's negativity is so much worse than mine that it drags ME down, I see the point and hopefully become more considerate of "positive" types. Internally it's another story because, for me, a lot of it has to do with PTSD and my need for security, to filter out threats. I can see that every time I've applied "positive thinking" as a policy, I've gotten into terrible trouble by making irrational choices, refusing to see the realistic, practical, or negative. Reality demands neither positivity nor negativity but rather sobriety, and courage to acknowledge the black, the white, and the colors. Still, I'd personally rather err on the side of safety in certain matters. My two cents.
  4. I've maybe never been so humiliated in my life. I'm terrified I'll be homeless within the next few days. -- I discovered something so humiliating...-- I've been so eager to get out of here, but I don't have any money yet. I'm too ashamed to call my mother and tell her what a mess my life is. She thinks I'm doing well and said she was proud of me...I really don't know what to do.--
  5. Hurt, worried, lonely, and sad. I don't know how to correct a wrong impression that I gave, possible hurt feelings in others, and now, their comparative withdrawal from me. I feel disappointed and upset with myself for having given that impression in the first place. I wish I could take it back, edit my RL responses. I'm so awkward and go into a kind of autopilot mode when I'm nervous, not carefully weighing things before responding...Ugh. I just feel bummed and down, and I don't know what to do about it. I want so badly for things to change, but right now, I'm not sure how to get things to that point.
  6. Down. I feel like my mom doesn't want me to come visit that much, even though it's been a decade. I feel cold and discouraged, even though I'm sure I want to move back to my hometown for a lot of reasons. Even if my family helps me, I just feel embarrassed and foolish. Like I'm not all that wanted. Maybe this is irrational or jumping to conclusions based on my depression, current highly uncomfortable living situation, or some such. They do give me a lot of verbal and other evidence of caring, they say they love and miss me. I just feel uncomfortable, and I want clearer signs of them wanting me around instead of this hands-off type of approach, which was basically why I felt like no one really cared and why I terminated contact for 10 years.
  7. @sober4life I've been starting to go a little nuts wondering why. Why would she not even answer my text? It was very polite and respectful, I thought. Just a simple inquiry. I'm worried about more conflict when she gets home, though I don't intend to recriminate. I just can't understand the dynamics in this house. Some people are psychologically impenetrable to me, I guess. 😞
  8. Worried and upset. My roommate completely blew me off. She had promised repeatedly to take me to the bank by the end of today, but she didn't even answer my text, and never came back to the house. I didn't even ask her to take me, she offered, and had the printout of the form I was supposed to turn in. Ugh. I assume the bank is either closed or about to by now. Just feel sick and wondering why. What now? Out of habit or from the PTSD, I guess, I keep wondering miserably if I did something to offend her or if she got irrationally annoyed with me for something I'm not even aware of again. I really needed to get this done today. She knew that. I don't understand. So many things like this have happened. I can't wait to move on from here. 😞
  9. I'm in a similar boat. I live far from my family, and even when we text or talk, it's hard to get over the walls that seem to be in the way. It's always awkward, and that hurts and worsens my depression. I feel mostly ignored by my roommates and uncomfortable in general where I live. This forum seems great so far, and there are so many subtopics I haven't even explored yet. People seem friendly and nice, so don't be afraid to explore. I hope you have a good experience with it, too. :)
  10. Stressed out. About relationship dynamics with my mom - we run out of things to talk about, and then it gets awkward. She can be abrupt, too, sometimes. She's elderly now, though, and not used to texting, so that could be part of it. I'm also stressed about how to tell my family I'm becoming more and more sure that I want to move back to my hometown to be close to them, when I basically threw out an arm to prevent them embracing me too fully the first time we spoke. (From habit/fear, and I've been kicking myself for it ever since.) I'm shying away from applying for jobs because I feel like I don't have enough information yet. About dates, etc. But I need to start putting out the feelers, obviously. It's tricky applying to jobs in another city, never mind out of state.
  11. Violated and worried - I think one of my roommates looked at my computer while I stepped away! UGH...I did have a feeling I should close it before I went to the kitchen. I usually do, but there was nothing on it except a couple of post-it notes. One of them mentioned applying for jobs, things in other cities. I really hope and pray she doesn't try to start new trouble based on this...just when things were calming down. I'm so upset, but also with myself for not closing the computer. I obviously cannot get out of here fast enough! As soon as I have enough money. I need that student loan to come in quick...Please, God, keep me safe until then, and show me the way out when the time comes...
  12. Woke up this morning to a charge on my account from something I'd intended to cancel, but they sent no notice saying I was about to be charged. UGH. Trying to dispute with bank, but they said I have to wait until it's posted! Meanwhile my account is below zero...
  13. Thank you! I need all the prayers I can get! I do believe it's coming, though. 🙏 Everyone on DF is included in my prayers every day. I consider this place such a blessing. Suffering people who can truly empathize with each other's pain trying to support one another...sometimes you can only understand someone's pain if you've been through it yourself. I know IRL I don't have anyone else who really understands, at least no one I can talk to openly. Without the pressure or the stakes. The anonymity of the internet can be a force for good as well as ill, apparently. :)
  14. I'm so glad you made it out! Gives me hope. The eggshells are enough to drive anyone nuts. But when we're already dealing with mental health issues? Forget it... I hope you're doing better now. May I never forget the value of peace after this!
  15. Slept too little. At least I got my dratted tax returns in the mail. Praying the money goes to direct deposit as planned, and they don't send anything to this divided house. I can't wait to get an income, settle my accounts, and ship out for more harmonious harbors. There's so much passive-aggressive, grudge-bearing miscommunication here. I've never had this close contact with the personality types involved. I never set much store by personality typing, but there's something to it. I always knew those types tend not to get along with my own type, but it was all abstract until I encountered their ways up close. I know I have my own issues with communication, but so many assumptions, projections, jumping to conclusions, reading blame/bad will/whatever into simple statements of fact...they turn around and busy themselves with something, responding in flat, disinterested tones when I try to open up to them, and then turn around and accuse me of not communicating when I clam up...They flat out deny so many things that they've said before, claiming things happened differently. It always has me on edge. I can't even ask a simple question without them getting angry and offended--everything is connotations instead of denotations with language. I've never dealt with so much useless, destructive emotionalism before. The assumptions get to me the most. I'm afraid to open my mouth. I feel like I always have to walk on eggshells. And now I feel guilty for speaking ill of them, even though none of you will even know who they are...but I just know it's best for everyone if I leave for a more familiar environment after we settle accounts between us. It all rides on getting this student loan, and I'm on tenterhooks until I do. 😟 So tense! God, give me peace!
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