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leopard13

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  1. Hello, I’ve never really wrote anything like this or reached out to anyone for advice on these type of things as whenever I have no one really understood. I used to years ago have very bad depression and self harmed a lot, had a few suicidal thoughts and attempts but I managed to find the good and escape it with the people around me supporting me in ways they didn’t even realise. However I still find after 3/4 years I have very bad days and anxiety. Especially over the last year, closer to 2, when my first boyfriend broke up with me and cheated on me, I got over it. I am over it now (happened when I was 18 I am now 20). However I never trusted him enough to confide my past with him. Since I have dated on and off but not got into another serious relationship. I also then was taken advantage of by a boy I did not know very well or trust. We had sex but was non consensual (I have dealt with it and with authorities). I have lost several family members over the years all which have taken a deep loss in my family and affected me deeply. Again I still get on cause I have to. Recently about 2 months ago I met this boy and he’s everything I could ask for in man. I trust him more than I thought and in such a short amount of time. He understands me as he’s been through very similar situations like me which I described above. Both having the confidence to open up and talk about it with each other. There is such a deep level of connection with us and sexual attraction. Within these 2 months I’ve been with him almost every day. I have very deep feelings for him and I can see he has same for me. We started as friends but it all slowly progressed into more which both of us were happy with. He’s been in bad relationships before that have negatively impacted his mental health and recently about 4/5 months ago broke up with his ex. Who was not the best for him which he sees and realises now as she did not have the understanding or compassion as to what he goes through like me. But some recent events have taken place in his life before meeting me such as his parents recently discovered (dad had a 6 year affair) but is still coming home to the house and causing a lot of tensions. He got robbed of 10 grand, witb his business on a hiatus so not got a constant good income which deeply affects the things he wants to do. As he’s in a band and loves music wants to progress with it go to gigs etc but needs money for it. There’s more but that’s the basics. Due to this his depression has been on and off. We are going so good on the same page taking things slow. But recent about a week ago says he need space as he’s getting bad and needs to sort stuff out alone and doesn’t know if the pressure of us is making it worse. Him saying this but then he still made the effort / time to see me again most days like before just for not as long. And slightly pulled back as didn’t want to be so lovey dovey kiss me lots etc. So I understood respected it and would ask for a kiss etc but not smother and only be lovey if he wanted or initiated it first. A couple of nights ago I was sleeping over at his like the normal it’s become. He said I really wanted your cuddles tonight and to feel you close, I’m sorry I’ve been distant and not as ‘cute’ also his sexual drive being near to none which is very challenging cause it is normally very high. Proving very much he is in a bad place again I’ve respected only things happening if he initiated it but still not sex as he’s too ‘lazy’ for it. He continued on to say he thinks the pressure of getting into a relationship right now is not what he needs, his head needs to be sorted and he doesn’t want me to wait around for him cause he doesn’t know when it’s going to happen. But I’m the only girl he’s interested in, likes, still wants to see, like be with essentially. That it’s too do with him and his mental not me cause I’m the best thing that’s happened to him and I’m amazing. He said he’s realised I’m not making his mental health worse but better and without me he’d be in a very low suicidal position but me being around and there for him/caring is all he wants and needs right now. But then again when I’m with him he still wants to cuddle me at night, like slap my ass, pick me up, lightly flirt, compliment me etc but when I asked for a kiss he said no and he’s sorry but he’s still in a weird place he can’t. And a couple times since then when I’ve asked he has or he says no. I can never tell which way it will go. Is that normal for a depressed person? Like I want to stick by him and still be his girl essentially wait it out and be with him. But it is hurting me when all I want to do is kiss him and be all over him technically like we were before like feel that attraction and lust but he doesn’t. Makes me feel like it’s me, I’m doing something wrong or not attractive enough. He’s worth waiting for. He’s said he never wants to hurt me or loose me his life regardless a relationship or friendship and he’s said I’m not friendzoned which his actions do prove like I said before. As well thought I can see him talking to other girls / lightly flirting so I just don’t know. Basically everything with us is the same 95% of the time just he’s not kissing me, nor having sex and I’d say slightly less lovey dovey in person but not drastically like he does still want to touch me playfully etc. However we did have sex a few nights ago but only once over me staying at his for 4 nights and we were both slightly drunk so I don’t know what that means. But he was very much in it and enjoyed himself, and again since then though hasn’t kissed me. I have spoke to him about it slightly asking if in general it is me or how he is feeling and he just said it depends on the day and how he feels whether he wants to kiss me etc. I guess I’m looking for some advice what to do on the situation and whether this is all normal? Should I pull back maybe more from him give him some time to miss me technically or would that be worse? Or just any insight maybe you could give me on the situation I guess. Thank you for your time.
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