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About thecolorgreen

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  1. I also have an emotionally abusive mother (who is also a religious addict). Emotional abuse is scary. Reading your post brought back some memories of similar ways my mom would treat me.... I have been away from my mother for about two and a half years now, and was only able to recognize the way she treated me as emotional abuse after I left because I was so "well adjusted" (which really means completely broken) to that uncomfortable environment, there was no way I could even think it was abnormal, until realizing it was when I began living in a normal environment. The sad thing about emotional abuse is that the abuser is often hurting in some way too. And this can suck you back in sometimes, to want to cater to them and help them, but it never rewards you. If you really want to continue living there, or need to for the time being (but start developing a plan to leave), you have to come to terms with the fact that this person is not going to change. You can not express your true feelings to this person, it will almost always make the situation worse, in one way or another. They will never understand you. They may pretend to sometimes so that they can manipulate you, but they never actually do. They will say horrible things to you, make you feel guilty, and bring out the worst in you... and then convince you that you are this horrible person only they bring out. If they are religiously addicted, they will often use this as a scapegoat to cover up and justify any of their behavior and to criticize yours. It is important to remember that you are normal. Do not let this person make you feel like you aren't. It is hard and can often only be done with the least amount of interaction with them, or just playing the part you think they want you to. Stay strong.
  2. I'm glad to have found this forum. The last time I had depression bad enough to seek a forum was three and a half years ago. I tried going back to that forum just now and it was very inactive, sadly. I'm glad to have found it here. Hello. A short background... I noticed my depression really coming back about 5 months ago, so I sought treatment. There were a genuine two years that I felt just fine, and about a year of a slow downward spiral. The last time I had depression which lasted a dark two and half years, I cured it by by moving and making many major changes in my life, but I am now in a situation where that's not really an option... I have trapped myself. I do feel the desire to escape in order to fix it, but I feel this time I have to look deeper within myself instead of running away. I struggle with anxiety as well, and have developed a horrible coping mechanism: a shopping addiction. I am currently not on medication. I am struggling to find affordable therapy that fits my schedule in my small town. My insurance sucks and the therapist I found is barely covered and charges a lot, but I can go to her after work. But I am only able to see her once a month now and even that is a strain on my finances, which is a large part of my worries due to the shopping. My depressive feelings are rooted in loneliness and struggling to connect to people even when I really try. I have extremely low confidence and self esteem, mainly in my abilities relating to my career and it really worries me. Five months ago my mother came to visit me for the first time since I moved, and for the first time I realized that she has been emotionally abusing me my entire life. This is the event that really triggered my depression again; it was shocking to finally define something that made me feel so abnormal for so long. And I have come to realize I learned to have low self-esteem from her, as well as a plethora of other personality flaws (which now I realize came from coping with how she treated me), particularly in the root of people-pleasing tendencies. I feel like I have neglected myself for a long time, I let myself take a job and feel trapped in a toxic work environment where people emotionally manipulate me as well, I struggle to make friends, and my hobbies have slowly broken away. I feel scared to create anything again because I hate myself so much, so instead I would rather be bored and do nothing, like literally just sometimes stare at a wall... And sometimes instead I then just shop to take my mind off of everything, and put myself in an imaginary world where these things I convince myself I need tell me I am confident. I would be interested to hear if anyone else has depression that comes in waves like this, and if you've ever struggled with a shopping addiction or other dangerous coping mechanism, and perhaps even what kind of trauma you may have experienced in your formative years that has contributed toward low mental health.
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