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SShadoww

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About SShadoww

  • Rank
    Newbie
  • Birthday March 3

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    KCMO
  • Interests
    My ESA cat, Ghost. Music, Norse Paganism. I'm a Pagan witch who worships the Norse Gods/Godesses. I also am into Native American beliefs along with that. I'm an Empath, and I generally work with white magik. I use my energies towards healing and creativity. I'm very much a lone wolf type, who has understandably serious trust issues with people. I'm physically disabled, and live in a lot of pain, still, after 4 back surgeries. I'm mostly bedridden or in my power wheelchair..have been this way for almost 6 yrs now. No accident or anything, just gradual increase of pain in my back for 2 yrs until I couldn't walk 2ft without back siezed up. Neurosurgeon said back was unstable and100% chance within a yr never walk again, ir 50% chance of surgery helping. I can walk some, but not far and painful beyond my normal level 8, 24/7 pain. I have had anxiety disorder, since late teens. And as I got older PTSD too. Also classified as disabled mentally over all that. I have sleep paralysis, flashbacks, and panic attacks..like 6 to 10 a day. Disability doc said bipolar too, and I've also been diagnosed as mood disorder, and since my physical disability and all of the crap I went thru for 2 yrs overturning denial of SSDI while I'm disabled and without psyche meds. Since then, I've ejected most of my family and many frenemies from my orbit..all of whom either dissapeared or ripped me off or took advantage of me while I struggled. My long term 5 closest friends died over the 1st 6mo after I couldn't walk and didn't know why yet. I am not looking for new friends either. I realized that a big part of the reason that people treated me with disrespect, and were fake friends, is because I'd retired from my rougher and meaner life of my youth, and therefore was overly forgiving and too kind, and I not only let them..I taught them that it was OK. So, after surviving them and rebuilding every aspect of my life from the point of living in my SUV with my cat in 16below° winter while I was still recovering from 3 in 1 back surgery to put in a titanium bracket, do a laminectomy, and a bone fusion...I made myself a promise there and then..that if I survived this..and managed to rebuild my life as much as possible for a disabled person, that I deserved to be treated, as well as I treat people.
    My 2nd job was working as a caregiver for disabled people, and I did way more than the light housework PCA'S are required to do. And, now I'm needing care. And
    if people around me don't care..then I'LL CARE FOR ME. Screw it..I'll go it alone!
    I insist that my needs come first, now. And those who don't agree with that, and aren't part of that solution, are in my way. They're quickly ejected from any and all access to me and my orbit, and never thought of again. I'm busy saving someone who's the type of friend that I wish I had...me. And, I now have friends and family that I'm still ok with, that I can count on 1 hand. And, I've created a very Zenlike and beautiful space in my studio apt. I'm now in after a long waiting list. And, I've got wheels, and used furniture, and clothes, and meals on wheels, an above average PCA set up. And I've set up a better network of doctors, along with food stamps, and medicare, and medicaid. I've reversed the SSDI denial, and get a VERY LOW (less than 850/mo) SSDI income..because I became disabled so young..50yrs old. So, learning to be poor and certifying, and then recertifying every 9mo, are also my new hobbies.
    I'm now agoraphobic, and I absolutely find leaving my apartment horrifying. And, I don't have people over. I'm still working on trying to get my pain managed without pain meds. I'm scheduled for a burning of my pinched off spinal nerves on 01/29/20. I'm back on some of my anxiety and PTSD psyche meds, but can't be prescribed all of them..the most effective, alprazolam..cannot be mixed with pain meds, and as it stands..if I want to walk more than 100ft, or sit up or stand for more than 15min..pain meds are the only thing that allows that. So..I struggle still. And, I'm becoming obese. I used to weigh 138...now I'm 243. I've also not even considered dating since my disability. Pain levels make ne wake with a yelp just turning over, so yup...no more mating. So that's me..I'm a cranky, pain ridden, soloist survivor empath/witch, who has an ESA cat.
  1. Currently, the most effective 3 weapons in my arsenal against my anxiety are: 1) My ESA cat, Ghost. 2) My beautiful living space, I decorated to be calming and healing, via soft lighting, scents, music, privacy and security. I don't have people come inside it. It's my controlled environment. 3) The best advice a therapist gave me. He said that whenever I'm worrying over something..to stop and ask myself if there's something that I can do about it right that minute. If there is, then do it. If there isn't, then make note of the time there will be and give myself permission to only worry about it at that noted time. It was so simple..yet it helped..but then again, I'm weird. I've also heard recently to do the (Find 5) exercise. Find something to look at, Find something to touch, Find something to smell, Find something to hear, Find something to taste. I've kinda shortened that one to Find 4, cause I don't see or hear well in panic attacks. So, the 1st thing I grab is my brown paper sack to breathe into instead of looking and hearing..and then I do the touch, smell, and taste thing to reground.
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