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About Derendia

  • Birthday 09/08/1990

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Missoula, MT
  • Interests
    Video games, anime, reading fantasy books and some movies

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  1. It seems no matter how I try to improve myself and my mental health it just winds up worse than before, it seems like nothing ever goes right for me. I had a friend for a while but turns out they were just using me because I’m too nice and people take advantage of that all the time, had a girl I thought liked me and was going to go out with her but she ignored me every time I tried calling her on the weekend and if I even see her anymore she just seems mad and sick of me and I’m not sure why. I’ve also had a problem with a wisdom tooth and tried to get it taken out but the numbing stuff didn’t work and it really hurt when they tried to take it out so I set up an appointment with an oral surgeon but the corona stuff started then and I couldn’t afford it anymore so I’ve been suffering from massive tooth pain for weeks and am just now being able to afford getting taken care of, and I finally paid for a therapist but of course I wind up having to work on that day now even though it’s supposed to be my day off...in short seems like everything is just out to spite me and never goes good and I’m tired of it. I’m almost 30 and never had a significant other or whatever and only 1 real friend, who was also just using me for years and never actually cared about me. People always say things will get better if you try or they get worse before better, but it just gets worse for me and never better no matter what I do, it’s all building up and becoming entirely intolerable I can’t stand this anymore. I’m sick of fighting and each day get closer and closer to completely giving up fighting at all, it’s just pointless. I know a lot of it like the therapist thing can be rescheduled but I’m just getting beaten down bad by the constant bad stuff happening to me. I’m sorry for the rant, I just had to vent and I’m not expecting any responses or anything, I’m more than used to being ignored and pushed aside
  2. There must be something wrong with me. I’ve been trying really hard to talk to people more and be friendlier since normally I barely speak to anyone so I could hopefully make friends, but after months of trying still no matter what I do people just want nothing to do with me. Was getting to know someone and thought things were going really good, she even brought up hanging out herself and I gave her my number. She said she would text me to hang out last weekend but never said anything and said she forgot, but after she stopped talking to me nearly completely and only answered me if I started talking to her. I also had someone I thought was a friend but he just doesn’t talk to me anymore either...what’s the point in trying to make things better if no matter what I do it just stays the same? At this point I’m entirely convinced that I was right and I really am just a worthless waste of space and there’s really no point in me even being around, like why try if all it is is just never ending failure and loneliness? I turn 30 very soon and even though I’ve been trying for the last 5 years to actively make my life better I’m stuck in the same rut I have been and just can’t make friends no matter what I do, let alone love....so in short I feel utterly useless and absolutely tired of just everything and want everything to just stop, fighting is too hard and I’m so tired
  3. I’ve been doing a bit better usually, works going well but other than that I’m still entirely alone regardless of trying to make friends at work. I don’t post much, but I really like how caring this community is and read through things when I’m done and it’s nice to see people caring and being nice for no reason other than just to do so, I’m glad I joined this forum. Also kitten I got is more grown now and such an adorable goof he makes me laugh which I haven’t done in years
  4. I’m doing worse than usual because of problems at work and spending the holidays entirely alone since no one wanted me around but I got a kitten and he makes me feel better and gives me a reason to stick around, even if I’m still extremely depressed to the point I spend most of my time not working doing absolutely nothing
  5. I feel awful miserable and alone I’m so sick of trying and trying but nothing ever gets better...no matter what I do I canr make friends and no one ever seems to like me, and no matter how hard I try or work I’m just a failure and always mess everything up..sorry if this isn’t the right place to post this but I don’t know how things really work here I jusr need to vent a bit
  6. Where would I post other things? I don’t really know how forums work. I appreciate all the people that read my spiel though, it’s nice to let that out without being judged, though I’m not ready and still too scare to admit it in person to anyone...I just don’t reallt know what to do with life I’ve been drifting through and going with what happens...it’s not that I’m tough at all though in reality I feel like I’m barely hanging on, and anymore I just don’t care about anything anymore especially life or anything I used to
  7. Hi, I’m new to this kind of thing and not exactly sure what I’m doing or supposed to do...but I guess I’ll just say some things about myself. I’m 29 years old and near constantly depressed for a multitude of reasons, mostly stemming from the fact I’m incredibly lonely and have had a rough life which has never really gotten any better, regardless of how I’ve tried. Growing up I was beaten pretty regularly by my step dad who seemed to hate specifically me, since he never beat my siblings so much. I managed to get a full time job and support myself, but that’s really all I have. I don’t have any friends, and my family has never really been a family, I have utterly no idea what it’s like to have a loving family or feel like someone actually loves and cares about me. I’ve been trying a lot harder to make friends or find a significant other so I can not feel so lonely but it seems no matter how I try people just seem to never want me around and never want to spend any time with me outside of work. Other than that I feel like a complete and utter failure and like I can never do anything right, since I’m constantly messing everything up and I’m really worried I’m going to get fired because of it, and I have never talked about it to anyone or mentioned it before at all but there’s another big reason I’m always depressed...I’m really nervous to mention it since I’ve never told anyone but I really want to express it since this place seems so nice...Im a trans gender male to female person and have been pretending to jusr be a normal man for a long time and hate it but I just can’t make myself ever tell anyone or act how I want. It’s just depressing that I can’t truly be myself without fear of being ridiculed or made fun of, and even if I manage to get the money for surgery or something I’ll still never feel whole as I really want to be a parent and have kids of my own which would be impossible...anyway, sorry for the long rant and how it’s just s random jumble, I just really needed to tell someone about how I truly feel and figured this was the safest place to do so....I’m so depressed lately all I do is sleep and work and want to get help from a therapist or something but I don’t have the money for that, so this is the next best thing I think. Thanks for reading if you got this far, I appreciate it
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