My world will never be the same, and I am so terrified for my children because I don't know what the future holds for us. Three days ago, I found a link to a dating site in my email inbox. Naturally, I thought that it was some weird spam or junk mail that somehow made it into my folder. As I went to delete it, I see my husbands name and a confirmation number to confirm email address. When I finally got through the doubt and shock of seeing this, I went back in. In hindsight, I shouldn't have. We share the same email because of our busy lives and the three children that we have. Keep in in mind that he is not a technical guy that knows a lot about linked emails and backup emails. Anyway, so I go into the site and request a password reset to get into the profile. Sure enough, my worst fears were confirmed. HE had a profile set up to meet singles in the next town over 😞 along with his physical information. I went back into our email and searched everything. I found at least three other sites that he had sighed up for and was receiving updates all the time! They were showing up in the promotional and spam folders. Until that day, I have never even once looked at these folders because that's all supposed to be ''junk mail'' right? I was only able to get into the one site because of our shared email addresses, but there was enough info there to confirm.
He and I have been together for almost 12 years, married for five of them. We have been having trouble in our relationship that started in January. He went to a three-day conference for his new job along with five other coworkers. While he was gone, I could not get a hold of him the second night. He established before he left that he had to be in bed early so that he can make it to the conference that started at 6 am, which I respected. The second night that he was there, I decided to call him against my better judgment at the time. Our youngest wanted to talk to her father, she would not go to sleep, so I called his room at 11 pm. and his roommate answered and told me that he was not there and neither was he there the whole night before! Long story short, my husband convinced me that I was delusional and overreacting to the entire thing. Our relationship was never the same since then. Since then, there was always this doubt in my mind that something was wrong, but I kept pushing it away. What's most astonishing to me is how he could act as if nothing happened and that I was the crazy one. I ended up in the emergency room after I found a text that his male friend from the conference that did not coincide with his story. It was something about an after-party and dating SMS? I still don't know what that means. His friend was trying to persuade him to bring his SMS. It's hard to understand, but, I believed him when he told me that it was a misunderstanding. After that ER visit, I was put on antidepressants, which seemed to help to a point. I'm still on them, and they seem to take the sting out of my situation until I found the dating sites.
Today, six months after my ER visit, I don't know what to do, my thoughts that he's with someone one at that exact moment is what gets me 😞 I understand that there is no simple answer and that it will take time or day to day intervals to recover and move on, but I'm only on day three. I have not been eating or sleeping for three days. I go back to the Doc in a few days to up my antidepressants, but I would hate to do that. I'm not a medication type person, it took me weeks to adjust to the meds, and I don't want to go through that again with the increase.
I have no one to talk to or confide in except for my sister-in-law that seems to be shielding him and faking comforting me into thinking that I am wrong! This is why it is so hard to write this, I have not confided in anyone, even my family, until now. I feel a real sense of embarrassment about my situation at this point and would rather not talk to family about it. I'm simply not ready. This platform is my first step in expressing my thoughts and fears about what's about to come and what has already happened. I would love to hear some helpful objective words right now.
As of today, he is still in the house, and everything at this point is purely practical. Meaning that we are not together the way a wife and husband should be. We did separate for a couple of weeks until we decided to stay for the time being, for the kids. I agree with this because they were miserable. My youngest 6, already showing signs of anxiety. During our brief separation, she would wake up crying or persistently ask about her father. My oldest 13, was always mad at me for kicking him out of the house, he does not understand the whole situation, though he does know about the dating sites as he was home when I discovered them. He overheard me, asking my husband. This kills me! It's also the only reason he is in the house now.
Long story, I know. I just want to feel better and start the healing process alone. How does one move on after a situation like this? I have never felt so lonely and scared in my life 😞 Thank you for reading.