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Everything posted by Lundi_Hvalursson

  1. I keep having this ongoing emetophobia, i.e. fear of vomiting, ever since I was a small boy. I used to get all sorts of gastroenteritis, stomach virii, etc., which caused me to vomit way more than the average person does. Even as a teenager this emetophobia lingered. When I was 21 I almost died due to having a bad reaction to caffeine pills, during which I vomited over and over. A month after, I somehow caught viral labyrinthitis, causing me vertigo and severe nausea, where I vomited over and over uncontrollably. Since age 23, I ended up with chronic acid reflux and indigestion with caused me a lot of bloating and nausea, which more or less continued steadily until I was almost age 29. For some reason, my emetophobia goes way up when I am alone and away from my parents. I really am not sure what to do about it. If I ever see or hear anyone vomiting, I can get seriously anxious and probably would come close to a panic attack. Even though I am 30, I still have terrible flashbacks to when I was 6, 7, 8 and various points of my childhood where I vomited for example in the classroom or in public places, humiliating myself. Hearing about norovirus and that stuff causes me to be paranoid about this. I am also scared sometimes that if I eat something I could end up with food poisoning. I was wondering if anyone here had emetophobia due to their past and how they got it under control.
  2. This situation seems so unbelievably embarrassing that I doubt that I can even tell my (female) doctor about this. I am pretty sure that she knows that I have zero relationship/sexual experience since each year I have to tell her that I am not sexually active and thus do not need to take blood tests for VD. Since I have had digestive motility problems in the past, I take amitriptylene each night. It is supposed to also help me sleep and be less anxious. However, I just feel like sh*t on a daily basis.
  3. I look in the mirror sometimes to test my gestures, and I do seem to look awkward even to myself. I am still trying to fix it, but it is kind of one of those problems that seems to create newer problems. So keeping up with making new solutions is quite tiring.
  4. Alright, well, the issue is the same as usual. I have a few threads that I had opened a few months ago concerning them. They mostly deal with my having turned 30 last October still being single/virgin. It really affected me then, but lately it has caused me a lot of grief more than usual. Usually I get made fun of for this issue. I really am not sure how to alleviate the feeling. I imagine that my status would have to change in order to stop feeling this way, but in the meantime it seems like it comes and goes bothering me a lot. However, lately this affected me probably the most it has done in my entire life. That makes it hard to function on a daily basis. I can try not to think about it, but then I still end up thinking about it. Or even it comes to me in the form of dreams/nightmares, if I do manage to sleep a bit more than intermittently.
  5. I did not mention the issues because every time I do I get lambasted, made fun, ridiculed, etc. For me, whether it is anxiety or depression it does not matter--both cause me to lose my appetite. This has lasted basically since Christmas.
  6. I am not going to discuss the issue(s) that have been bothering me for the past month or so, in order to not be made fun of and/or berated. But I usually do not have depression. I have anxiety and self-esteem problems, but depression does not usually happen to me. However, I have sunk deep into probably the worst depressive state of my life, even worse than in 2016 when I got so depressed that I lost almost a third of my entire body weight. I feel dejected to the point that I am having problems eating again. It does not help that I often have acid reflux and indigestion, but the depressive state also affects my appetite a lot. I lost interest in almost all of my hobbies. I can barely have a conversation nor concentrate on simple tasks because I feel hopeless. Not like it matters, since people say that I look so mean and unapproachable that many do not even want to talk to me. Instead, I feel tense and a very high heart rate, which is exacerbated by my chronic hypertension. The home blood pressure machine that I have is showing my pulse almost always over 100 at rest, plus blood pressure averaging around 155 systolic. Headaches and muscle stiffness almost all day. I cannot sleep well due to ruminations, tossing and turning and just intermittent sleep. Often I just feel like I am sick of life, despite having turned 30 a couple months ago. Are these things usually temporary? Each day is a hard. How does one usually get out of these depressive states?
  7. Thanks for your response. I fell really deep into an abyss of depression these past two weeks concerning this issue, so it is a bit comforting to hear that. Perhaps my area has been the problem all along. On the few dates that I have been on, 100% of the women have brought this up or asked me either directly or indirectly about my relationship/sex life. I am not good at body language, but from whatever I can read, I take it that none of them were pleased when they found out about my status.
  8. Sometimes I feel like I am irreparably awkward to the point that it is too off-putting.
  9. I would love to live in the 1960s and 1970s, when people were less superficial compared to now. Life was simpler. I would accept having no Internet. Internet all over the place is a blessing and a curse. For me, however, it seems like a curse.
  10. Due to being unable to afford sessions with an OCD therapist since 2015, I got some OCD workbook thing. I forgot who wrote it. But still the ruminations happen due to negative moments in life.
  11. I got some nasal viral infection last morning from being depressed about this. Every time I get very depressed, it lowers my immune system. So it probably screwed me up with virii. I honestly do not think that I should keep getting my health messed up due to ruminating like this. But I do hope that this new year I have better luck.
  12. I have had OCD since I was a small boy, perhaps since even age 4 or 5. But the Pure O part where it manifests itself as ruminations, then turning into depressive feelings, occurred much later. So basically as you know I think a lot about how I missed out in my 20s on dating and social life. For around 40 seconds of every minute that I spend awake, I have been ruminating the past week about issue, especially the dating part. I keep thinking, "Could I have done something different or better so that I would not be single all the way until age 30?" and over and over I think of maybe I could have tried to at least pretend to be more normal. Another rumination is feeling despair, because I feel that it is not getting easier--rather it is getting harder. I am 30, and many people already are married, have a family, or at least have a girlfriend. I am stuck in a rut, like I cannot get out. And I feel like the meetups are not helping. I have zero friends, plus finding a girlfriend seems like way above my capabilities. It seems like doing this at 30 is way harder logistically than at 20. When I ruminate about this, I feel a sinking feeling in my stomach and chest. It does not help that I had been diagnosed with chronic hypertension at age 26. My doctor told me that 26 and hypertension is extremely young and very rare. And I was told that my anxiety and other mental problems are ruining my blood pressure. So, the ruminations I try to stop, to help my blood pressure. But all of these feelings cause even more depressive feelings, because I analyse about how to improve, but I seem stuck in a place, both physically and abstractly, where it seems like I am so far behind everyone at my age. When I meet a 30 year old with a wife and career, I think of my own 30 year old self, stuck with no girlfriend, no friends at all, plus basically doing minimum wage stuff. Ruminating about this over and over turns into depression. I never heard of OCD meetups. I have never heard anyone here in San Francisco mention it to me. I try to keep up with my hobbies. I am a very stoic, serious person, and anyone who knows or meets me can see that I very rarely show emotions nor body language. I have a "poker face" naturally, and do not wear my heart on my sleeve. But often, like right now, I just sit at my desk, clasping my head with both hands trying to think positive. And trying not to think of missing out on love in my 20s, which can easily lead to crying, something that I very, very rarely do in the first place.
  13. Usually in the past I was too naïve and would answer honestly. Even when I stopped revealing information like this, gossip had already spread. Thus many started to know anyway. I think that I did allow it to define me, and put me in depression. It matters in my own case in that I feel like I have missed out on a lot about relationships, especially in my 20s.
  14. I think that what people refer to as "mainstream" is extroverted neurotypical with no social awkwardness. Personally I do not think that "mainstream" should be the standard by which everyone is judged, but I do not make those arbitrary rules. I think that most people do not understand OCD or anxiety or anything that is not "normal", full stop. I think that my character can shine through despite my faults. But the two are usually intertwined. In your example, if you are talking about myself personally, yes I would accept someone like that with Tourette's Syndrome. However, in meetups when I meet people, I would estimate that the vast majority of people whom I have met would never accept such a person. They cannot even tolerate me and my social awkwardness, and I do not even have Tourette's Syndrome.
  15. For close to my whole life, I have had moderate to severe OCD, including what they call "Pure O", or just ruminations without rituals. Although I often have rituals as well. However, since Christmas, I felt quite depressed and ruminating about my social/dating life, or better said, lack thereof. I was increasing my self-esteem and self-confidence prior to Christmas, but now my ruminations about having no girlfriend plus no friends at all is occupying perhaps 40 seconds of each minute. I feel a lot of self-shame. It is not as intense as my depression between age 23-25, when I was also very sad about my lack of girlfriend plus friends, and I lost a third of my body weight (80 kg --> 55 kg) because I lost my appetite from depression about this topic. When I used to think a lot about it, I would feel like I had an upset stomach. Right now I think that the OCD is intertwined with my sad feelings. Has anyone had this combination of OCD, especially Pure O, into depressive feelings?
  16. That sounds nice. Last time I was on a train was in Portugal in mid-October. Nice sights, but again, I was alone and had no one to talk to. I have a little souvenir journal where I write my thoughts. Sometimes it feels like since I have no one to really talk to, I just write in my journal.
  17. Usually when my grandparents were alive, we used to have a fairly nice Christmas. Family together, presents sharing, Christmas tree, music, etc. However ever since my terminally ill grandmother died last year, my parents and I really do not celebrate Christmas much. This Christmas, I essentially was alone throughout the day. I just went into the Japantown of my city, ate in a restaurant alone, and walked around alone. Of course people stared when I ate alone, like usual. I saw a lot of couples walking together, although most of them were tourists from countries such as South Korea, China, Hong Kong and of course Japan. Even so, it made me feel even more lonely. Ever since this Wednesday, I feel like I fell into a bit of a mini-depressive state. It made me feel like life is changing, and it is only getting lonelier as time passes. I was doing alright before, having my self-esteem and self-confidence slowly increasing. But these past couple of days I have been feeling quite sad. I guess that many already know about my having turned 30 and being single/virgin, etc. But this decade is coming to a close soon, and the New Year is next Wednesday. I feel a mix of anxiety and a bit of depression looking back now at my life how in my 20s, I did not accomplish a lot of what I wanted to do. In effect, as of right now I have zero friends and barely any acquaintances. Perhaps one or two acquaintances from social gatherings/meetups, but they are distant acquaintances, not close ones. If I go out, I usually go out all by myself. Others have a girlfriend, or a wife, plus friends. Is anyone in a similar situation, and what did you to at least make your holiday season a bit more pleasant?
  18. I have had a lot of self-esteem problems over the years, although in the past couple of months I have regained a lot of it. But I still have doubts about how I look to others, specifically women. In my past, there have been moments where sometimes a woman has straight told me that I was unattractive or ugly physically, that I was too ugly for any girl to like me, and/or looked awkward/weird. So I was wondering if any female members would like to take a quick look at a face portrait of me and give me a rating on the 1-10 scale or just written feedback in general if I really look ugly and/or weird. It probably would have to be via PM, instead of posting my photo publicly here. I am a bit paranoid that anyone whom I may know in person might somehow see a photo of me and immediately identify me. Thanks a lot in advance.
  19. I have noticed here that a lot of people on this forum, especially males, are single/virgin to an older-than-average age, such as in their 30s, 40s, 50s or older, despite not choosing to do so, but rather due to having trouble in the romance department. And that this is a societal taboo, since the rules are usually made arbitrarily. Since these rules are more or less in place, people often shame, bully and make fun of those who are single and/or virgin, whether or not they have ASD. It is known that socially awkward people, especially those with ASD, generally have more problems in finding partners than neurotypicals and naturally social people. In countries like the UK, there are very strict rules regarding bullying, even just written or oral bullying. "Free speech" is not a valid defence in these cases, and people can go to gaol even, if I understand correctly. In countries like USA, which take free speech to an extreme, I doubt that this happens. At least, bullying and shaming single/virgin people seems to be quite common in USA. In countries like China or Iran, there are generally heavy restrictions on what one can say, and I would guess that shaming/bullying could easily end up being criminal offences. Should the governments of countries introduce legislation to categorise shaming people for being single and/or virgin as hate speech such that single/virgin shaming is a medium-level criminal offence? Following UK bullying laws, the penalty could be spending a year or so in gaol, or paying a fine, or whatever.
  20. I have usually been made fun of and called "retard" throughout my childhood as well as adult life, but when I look at how I act in public, I do act quite awkward. I tend to act so painfully awkward that people stare at me, and even make comments about me to others or even to me myself. I have OCD, several types of anxiety, hypochondria and Asperger's. Some examples of what I mean by "socially retarded": -Often when offered a handshake, my hands simply stay at my sides and I give the person a blank look, i.e. blank facial expression. Often this angers or irritates people, and they make comments about me for it. -Although I am not mutistic (at least not chronically), if someone asks me a simple question like, "What do you do for fun to relax?", I would look at them with a blank facial expression and just say nothing, or stutter with gibberish sounds like "eh", "uh", "oy", etc. Then after around five seconds I would answer, but I would answer stuff like, "Watching war movies like Platoon (1986) or Casualties of War (1989)." Then they would look at me as if they had a "wtf?" facial expression. -I often am a bit worried about coming into contact with other people's germs. Sometimes I put the lower part of my face inside the upper part of my shirt when in a group of people. If I have to drink beer from the bottle of wine from the glass, often I tilt it so that the liquid enters my mouth, without my mouth actually touching the bottle or the glass. I often get weird looks for this. -For some reason sometimes my balance is off, plus I am very clumsy; I accidentally tilt my torso backwards or forwards almost to the point of falling down. -I absolutely need to eat finger foods with a fork or spoon. Thus, you often see me eating popcorn, chips, crisps, chicken wings, etc. with a fork or spoon. -Since I have no natural instinct or notion of flirting, either I say nothing or say something idiotic. For example, either I tell a woman nor give hints that I like her, or I just blurt out straight, "I like you". -I usually have had no body language or hand motions whilst talking. Lately I tried talking with my hands. However, my hand motions are often disjointed, causing me to accidentally knock glasses of wine and beer down without noticing. When I was a child and teenager, on and off I went to psychiatrists to try to work on socialising and my anxiety. Nothing really worked, but I do have a history of having problems with social stuff. Do these traits make me essentially "socially retarded"?
  21. Much has been said on the topic of dating as an Asperger male, but I think there is not much said about one's dating reputation. In my own case, being a 30 year old virgin male who has always been single and never had even one girlfriend, I notice that in the past whenever people found out, their opinion of me changed. My reputation was essentially ruined permanently. Whether it was amongst fellow males for friendship, or amongst females for dating/courtship, both usually ended up dropping whatever positive opinions they had about me and it changed to very negative. As in, in the past, when people asked, and I revealed to them my situation, they would usually gossip amongst others. Word spread like wildfire amongst my social communities, and people usually thought of me as "defective" as a person, viz. a "reject". I did not really care if males did not want to be friends with me because they thought that being friends with a virgin like me was beneath them, but it really hurt when females had in their mind that I was a "reject". It made it hard not only to date the women who knew, it also made it hard to date the other women who found out via third parties (gossip). As a male with Asperger's how did you fix your dating reputation? I turned 30 in late October this year, and my dating reputation is more or less ruined in this city. I am sure that any women who newly emigrated here might possibly know from gossip from some of my acquaintances. And it seems like when women find out, even if it is unconfirmed gossip, questions seem to raise in their head about my viability as a potential boyfriend given that I am single/virgin this old. Of course, this does not have anything to do with my own self-esteem. I am raising it by myself. I am referring to my dating reputation as a whole in women's opinions, regardless of how I feel about myself.
  22. Maybe not volunteering, but I am considering joining soon the campaign of a certain working-class presidential candidate. Perhaps I would be more accepted there, given that I am not making six figures or higher like people whom I meet at meetups. I get comments from others saying that I am like a cruchety old man. So I probably would get along with seniors. My demeanour is more akin to that of a 70 year old man than a 30 year old.
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