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About Lundi_Hvalursson

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  1. I am not going to discuss the issue(s) that have been bothering me for the past month or so, in order to not be made fun of and/or berated. But I usually do not have depression. I have anxiety and self-esteem problems, but depression does not usually happen to me. However, I have sunk deep into probably the worst depressive state of my life, even worse than in 2016 when I got so depressed that I lost almost a third of my entire body weight. I feel dejected to the point that I am having problems eating again. It does not help that I often have acid reflux and indigestion, but the depressive state also affects my appetite a lot. I lost interest in almost all of my hobbies. I can barely have a conversation nor concentrate on simple tasks because I feel hopeless. Not like it matters, since people say that I look so mean and unapproachable that many do not even want to talk to me. Instead, I feel tense and a very high heart rate, which is exacerbated by my chronic hypertension. The home blood pressure machine that I have is showing my pulse almost always over 100 at rest, plus blood pressure averaging around 155 systolic. Headaches and muscle stiffness almost all day. I cannot sleep well due to ruminations, tossing and turning and just intermittent sleep. Often I just feel like I am sick of life, despite having turned 30 a couple months ago. Are these things usually temporary? Each day is a hard. How does one usually get out of these depressive states?
  2. Thanks for your response. I fell really deep into an abyss of depression these past two weeks concerning this issue, so it is a bit comforting to hear that. Perhaps my area has been the problem all along. On the few dates that I have been on, 100% of the women have brought this up or asked me either directly or indirectly about my relationship/sex life. I am not good at body language, but from whatever I can read, I take it that none of them were pleased when they found out about my status.
  3. Sometimes I feel like I am irreparably awkward to the point that it is too off-putting.
  4. I would love to live in the 1960s and 1970s, when people were less superficial compared to now. Life was simpler. I would accept having no Internet. Internet all over the place is a blessing and a curse. For me, however, it seems like a curse.
  5. Due to being unable to afford sessions with an OCD therapist since 2015, I got some OCD workbook thing. I forgot who wrote it. But still the ruminations happen due to negative moments in life.
  6. I got some nasal viral infection last morning from being depressed about this. Every time I get very depressed, it lowers my immune system. So it probably screwed me up with virii. I honestly do not think that I should keep getting my health messed up due to ruminating like this. But I do hope that this new year I have better luck.
  7. I have had OCD since I was a small boy, perhaps since even age 4 or 5. But the Pure O part where it manifests itself as ruminations, then turning into depressive feelings, occurred much later. So basically as you know I think a lot about how I missed out in my 20s on dating and social life. For around 40 seconds of every minute that I spend awake, I have been ruminating the past week about issue, especially the dating part. I keep thinking, "Could I have done something different or better so that I would not be single all the way until age 30?" and over and over I think of maybe I could have tried to at least pretend to be more normal. Another rumination is feeling despair, because I feel that it is not getting easier--rather it is getting harder. I am 30, and many people already are married, have a family, or at least have a girlfriend. I am stuck in a rut, like I cannot get out. And I feel like the meetups are not helping. I have zero friends, plus finding a girlfriend seems like way above my capabilities. It seems like doing this at 30 is way harder logistically than at 20. When I ruminate about this, I feel a sinking feeling in my stomach and chest. It does not help that I had been diagnosed with chronic hypertension at age 26. My doctor told me that 26 and hypertension is extremely young and very rare. And I was told that my anxiety and other mental problems are ruining my blood pressure. So, the ruminations I try to stop, to help my blood pressure. But all of these feelings cause even more depressive feelings, because I analyse about how to improve, but I seem stuck in a place, both physically and abstractly, where it seems like I am so far behind everyone at my age. When I meet a 30 year old with a wife and career, I think of my own 30 year old self, stuck with no girlfriend, no friends at all, plus basically doing minimum wage stuff. Ruminating about this over and over turns into depression. I never heard of OCD meetups. I have never heard anyone here in San Francisco mention it to me. I try to keep up with my hobbies. I am a very stoic, serious person, and anyone who knows or meets me can see that I very rarely show emotions nor body language. I have a "poker face" naturally, and do not wear my heart on my sleeve. But often, like right now, I just sit at my desk, clasping my head with both hands trying to think positive. And trying not to think of missing out on love in my 20s, which can easily lead to crying, something that I very, very rarely do in the first place.
  8. Usually in the past I was too naïve and would answer honestly. Even when I stopped revealing information like this, gossip had already spread. Thus many started to know anyway. I think that I did allow it to define me, and put me in depression. It matters in my own case in that I feel like I have missed out on a lot about relationships, especially in my 20s.
  9. I think that what people refer to as "mainstream" is extroverted neurotypical with no social awkwardness. Personally I do not think that "mainstream" should be the standard by which everyone is judged, but I do not make those arbitrary rules. I think that most people do not understand OCD or anxiety or anything that is not "normal", full stop. I think that my character can shine through despite my faults. But the two are usually intertwined. In your example, if you are talking about myself personally, yes I would accept someone like that with Tourette's Syndrome. However, in meetups when I meet people, I would estimate that the vast majority of people whom I have met would never accept such a person. They cannot even tolerate me and my social awkwardness, and I do not even have Tourette's Syndrome.
  10. For close to my whole life, I have had moderate to severe OCD, including what they call "Pure O", or just ruminations without rituals. Although I often have rituals as well. However, since Christmas, I felt quite depressed and ruminating about my social/dating life, or better said, lack thereof. I was increasing my self-esteem and self-confidence prior to Christmas, but now my ruminations about having no girlfriend plus no friends at all is occupying perhaps 40 seconds of each minute. I feel a lot of self-shame. It is not as intense as my depression between age 23-25, when I was also very sad about my lack of girlfriend plus friends, and I lost a third of my body weight (80 kg --> 55 kg) because I lost my appetite from depression about this topic. When I used to think a lot about it, I would feel like I had an upset stomach. Right now I think that the OCD is intertwined with my sad feelings. Has anyone had this combination of OCD, especially Pure O, into depressive feelings?
  11. That sounds nice. Last time I was on a train was in Portugal in mid-October. Nice sights, but again, I was alone and had no one to talk to. I have a little souvenir journal where I write my thoughts. Sometimes it feels like since I have no one to really talk to, I just write in my journal.
  12. Usually when my grandparents were alive, we used to have a fairly nice Christmas. Family together, presents sharing, Christmas tree, music, etc. However ever since my terminally ill grandmother died last year, my parents and I really do not celebrate Christmas much. This Christmas, I essentially was alone throughout the day. I just went into the Japantown of my city, ate in a restaurant alone, and walked around alone. Of course people stared when I ate alone, like usual. I saw a lot of couples walking together, although most of them were tourists from countries such as South Korea, China, Hong Kong and of course Japan. Even so, it made me feel even more lonely. Ever since this Wednesday, I feel like I fell into a bit of a mini-depressive state. It made me feel like life is changing, and it is only getting lonelier as time passes. I was doing alright before, having my self-esteem and self-confidence slowly increasing. But these past couple of days I have been feeling quite sad. I guess that many already know about my having turned 30 and being single/virgin, etc. But this decade is coming to a close soon, and the New Year is next Wednesday. I feel a mix of anxiety and a bit of depression looking back now at my life how in my 20s, I did not accomplish a lot of what I wanted to do. In effect, as of right now I have zero friends and barely any acquaintances. Perhaps one or two acquaintances from social gatherings/meetups, but they are distant acquaintances, not close ones. If I go out, I usually go out all by myself. Others have a girlfriend, or a wife, plus friends. Is anyone in a similar situation, and what did you to at least make your holiday season a bit more pleasant?
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