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  1. I keep having this ongoing emetophobia, i.e. fear of vomiting, ever since I was a small boy. I used to get all sorts of gastroenteritis, stomach virii, etc., which caused me to vomit way more than the average person does. Even as a teenager this emetophobia lingered. When I was 21 I almost died due to having a bad reaction to caffeine pills, during which I vomited over and over. A month after, I somehow caught viral labyrinthitis, causing me vertigo and severe nausea, where I vomited over and over uncontrollably. Since age 23, I ended up with chronic acid reflux and indigestion with caused me a lot of bloating and nausea, which more or less continued steadily until I was almost age 29. For some reason, my emetophobia goes way up when I am alone and away from my parents. I really am not sure what to do about it. If I ever see or hear anyone vomiting, I can get seriously anxious and probably would come close to a panic attack. Even though I am 30, I still have terrible flashbacks to when I was 6, 7, 8 and various points of my childhood where I vomited for example in the classroom or in public places, humiliating myself. Hearing about norovirus and that stuff causes me to be paranoid about this. I am also scared sometimes that if I eat something I could end up with food poisoning. I was wondering if anyone here had emetophobia due to their past and how they got it under control.
  2. This situation seems so unbelievably embarrassing that I doubt that I can even tell my (female) doctor about this. I am pretty sure that she knows that I have zero relationship/sexual experience since each year I have to tell her that I am not sexually active and thus do not need to take blood tests for VD. Since I have had digestive motility problems in the past, I take amitriptylene each night. It is supposed to also help me sleep and be less anxious. However, I just feel like sh*t on a daily basis.
  3. I look in the mirror sometimes to test my gestures, and I do seem to look awkward even to myself. I am still trying to fix it, but it is kind of one of those problems that seems to create newer problems. So keeping up with making new solutions is quite tiring.
  4. Alright, well, the issue is the same as usual. I have a few threads that I had opened a few months ago concerning them. They mostly deal with my having turned 30 last October still being single/virgin. It really affected me then, but lately it has caused me a lot of grief more than usual. Usually I get made fun of for this issue. I really am not sure how to alleviate the feeling. I imagine that my status would have to change in order to stop feeling this way, but in the meantime it seems like it comes and goes bothering me a lot. However, lately this affected me probably the most it has done in my entire life. That makes it hard to function on a daily basis. I can try not to think about it, but then I still end up thinking about it. Or even it comes to me in the form of dreams/nightmares, if I do manage to sleep a bit more than intermittently.
  5. I did not mention the issues because every time I do I get lambasted, made fun, ridiculed, etc. For me, whether it is anxiety or depression it does not matter--both cause me to lose my appetite. This has lasted basically since Christmas.
  6. I am not going to discuss the issue(s) that have been bothering me for the past month or so, in order to not be made fun of and/or berated. But I usually do not have depression. I have anxiety and self-esteem problems, but depression does not usually happen to me. However, I have sunk deep into probably the worst depressive state of my life, even worse than in 2016 when I got so depressed that I lost almost a third of my entire body weight. I feel dejected to the point that I am having problems eating again. It does not help that I often have acid reflux and indigestion, but the depressive state also affects my appetite a lot. I lost interest in almost all of my hobbies. I can barely have a conversation nor concentrate on simple tasks because I feel hopeless. Not like it matters, since people say that I look so mean and unapproachable that many do not even want to talk to me. Instead, I feel tense and a very high heart rate, which is exacerbated by my chronic hypertension. The home blood pressure machine that I have is showing my pulse almost always over 100 at rest, plus blood pressure averaging around 155 systolic. Headaches and muscle stiffness almost all day. I cannot sleep well due to ruminations, tossing and turning and just intermittent sleep. Often I just feel like I am sick of life, despite having turned 30 a couple months ago. Are these things usually temporary? Each day is a hard. How does one usually get out of these depressive states?
  7. Thanks for your response. I fell really deep into an abyss of depression these past two weeks concerning this issue, so it is a bit comforting to hear that. Perhaps my area has been the problem all along. On the few dates that I have been on, 100% of the women have brought this up or asked me either directly or indirectly about my relationship/sex life. I am not good at body language, but from whatever I can read, I take it that none of them were pleased when they found out about my status.
  8. Sometimes I feel like I am irreparably awkward to the point that it is too off-putting.
  9. I would love to live in the 1960s and 1970s, when people were less superficial compared to now. Life was simpler. I would accept having no Internet. Internet all over the place is a blessing and a curse. For me, however, it seems like a curse.
  10. Due to being unable to afford sessions with an OCD therapist since 2015, I got some OCD workbook thing. I forgot who wrote it. But still the ruminations happen due to negative moments in life.
  11. I got some nasal viral infection last morning from being depressed about this. Every time I get very depressed, it lowers my immune system. So it probably screwed me up with virii. I honestly do not think that I should keep getting my health messed up due to ruminating like this. But I do hope that this new year I have better luck.
  12. I have had OCD since I was a small boy, perhaps since even age 4 or 5. But the Pure O part where it manifests itself as ruminations, then turning into depressive feelings, occurred much later. So basically as you know I think a lot about how I missed out in my 20s on dating and social life. For around 40 seconds of every minute that I spend awake, I have been ruminating the past week about issue, especially the dating part. I keep thinking, "Could I have done something different or better so that I would not be single all the way until age 30?" and over and over I think of maybe I could have tried to at least pretend to be more normal. Another rumination is feeling despair, because I feel that it is not getting easier--rather it is getting harder. I am 30, and many people already are married, have a family, or at least have a girlfriend. I am stuck in a rut, like I cannot get out. And I feel like the meetups are not helping. I have zero friends, plus finding a girlfriend seems like way above my capabilities. It seems like doing this at 30 is way harder logistically than at 20. When I ruminate about this, I feel a sinking feeling in my stomach and chest. It does not help that I had been diagnosed with chronic hypertension at age 26. My doctor told me that 26 and hypertension is extremely young and very rare. And I was told that my anxiety and other mental problems are ruining my blood pressure. So, the ruminations I try to stop, to help my blood pressure. But all of these feelings cause even more depressive feelings, because I analyse about how to improve, but I seem stuck in a place, both physically and abstractly, where it seems like I am so far behind everyone at my age. When I meet a 30 year old with a wife and career, I think of my own 30 year old self, stuck with no girlfriend, no friends at all, plus basically doing minimum wage stuff. Ruminating about this over and over turns into depression. I never heard of OCD meetups. I have never heard anyone here in San Francisco mention it to me. I try to keep up with my hobbies. I am a very stoic, serious person, and anyone who knows or meets me can see that I very rarely show emotions nor body language. I have a "poker face" naturally, and do not wear my heart on my sleeve. But often, like right now, I just sit at my desk, clasping my head with both hands trying to think positive. And trying not to think of missing out on love in my 20s, which can easily lead to crying, something that I very, very rarely do in the first place.
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