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  1. I don't mind you asking at all, We have two children, and after my first child I kind of lost my wife, back then I was late 20's and I had hormones of a humping dog but my wife, understandably lost her desire for being physically and it became a chore for her (in my opinion), if we did have sex it was always "I am not in the mood, but if you're quick".. basically this went on for years. For about a year, I signed up to one site, then started looking at others, I never engaged with any other person at all from the sites, but used to love looking at profiles and imagining what it would be like if I was single and using online dating sites. Like I said, the phase only lasted about a year. I went onto these sites when my wife went to bed, as for around 5-6 or 7 years, she was falling asleep by 9pm, which left me in front of the tele by myself which used to frustrate me a lot. Like I said, I would never cheat on my wife, but when you're in a sexless or emotionless sexual marriage, I found it very tough. Although our girls are older now and we do have a sex life again, its never returned to how it was before kids. Its very robotic. There's lots of things that can contribute to the feeling of (in your words) "being put aside". As I am currently finding out, marriage is extremely tough, and living with someone is even harder. Lots of effort has to go into it to make it work. I have found myself drifting away, and even my wife has admitted 2 nights ago that 80-90% of her attention is for the kids now, to me this hurt and it's going to be the main driver that I move out of the house and be on my own to find myself again. I know exactly how you mean about the ugly feeling, I look in the mirror now and I get disgusted with myself, strange how people can make you feel this way. You need to love yourself and have PMA. I am 13 years older now being 42 so my desire has changed a lot, fortunately, so if I do become single which is looking very likely, I want to find myself and sort my head out. Hope this helps.
  2. Its hard to say exactly what's going on with him, but I would sit down over a cuppa tea and speak with him honestly and calmly and literally just talk it through. As dumb as this may sound it might be totally innocent, and try not to worry until you know exactly what's going on. Give him an opportunity to say how he feels and let him get things off his chest. I would rather know what's going on and deal with the pain, than not know and it be done behind my back. As tough as that seems. So my plan would be to put him into a sense of comfort that's its ok to talk about things, like a detective would do. I must tell you, I have been with my wife 20 years, and I signed up to over 10 of the dating sites. I never actually put my credentials on them, but I was always looking and to be honest got a little addicted. I am the LAST person who would cheat, and I would never do that to her, but I was curious and found it fun as it lets you fantasize. Rightly or wrongly. But give him an opportunity to explain, once he opens up you will find he wont be able to stop. the biggest thing for you to do is STAY CALM, don't turn it into a fight (as hard as that sounds). This way you get to know where you stand, you don't want to be in a cheating relationship, you deserve better than that, and you certainly don't want it to cause you further anxiety issues. Hope this makes sense.
  3. I hear exactly where your coming from, I cant take the way my wife deals with the kids, always screaming at them, and it literally goes through me like a cheese grater. My wife is blaming my "mental state", and will not communicate with me so its really tough. At least you don't have kids as that can be the reason why people staying unhappy marriages and its not good for them, just makes it a lot harder.
  4. I know how you feel about talking to others about it, it feels like everybody would run a mile. I have an issue with my relationship at the moment, which also I would never talk about, but as soon as you do release, its like opening up a floodgate, I literally cant stop talking about it and its funny the moment you do start its a huge relief. Its amazing how many people suffer from mental health and that once given an opportunity to speak its like a weight off your shoulders. I strongly advise try and slip it into conversation with close friends and you may be surprised how many people a desperate to talk. I have recently met a guy that was into cars (like me), and since hanging out with him I find out he suffers with mental health and we now have so much in common. Its been a huge help for me having someone who is going through it. The saying goes "its good to talk"
  5. I had the rug pulled from under my feet years ago, my ex girlfriend at the time. I was incredibly involved emotionally with her and it destroyed me! Day by day I concentrated on other things, it hurt so much, but gradually got better over time. I am such a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, and know that you will be happy again, and something better is coming your way. Don't let you head down too much and stay strong, it just takes time and will feel life a ton weight is crushing you down., but you will look back and think "I am better now"
  6. What's your relationship like with the other people in the house, any cool people that you could ask to go to a local bar and sit and watch the world go by. When I am alone, I grab a mate and head on to a café which is down by the river and sit and have a coffee and just chat for an hour. People watching and chatting comfortably does amazing things for my head. It will break the week up as well. Its perfectly normal to have a couple of nights in by yourself in front of the TV but you could try exercise as well?. I find getting home from work and doing an hour activity like tennis, cycling, jogging and by the time you've had a shower, eaten its already bedtime. Keeping your mind busy will keep spirits high!
  7. Hey Bluetile, I am new to the forum as well, and my reason for joining this forum seems to be the very reasons why you have. I cant help you from a point of view of coming out of the other side and can provide advice as I seem to be in the exact same situation as you. I have been with my wife 20 years, and married 12, but from early on started to suffer from panic attacks and anxiety. I feel this has gone on for far too long and now the past couple fo years seem to be slipping into a horrible state of depression. I am considering separating at the moment, as I don't know deep down why I am so unhappy, but feel that separating make makes things easier for my recovery because the added stresses that living with others can bring. Can I ask, do you have children?, and what financial restraints would present if you were to separate. We might be able to help each other out?
  8. I understand exactly where you are coming from, as you explain my last few years perfectly, feeling useless, no value, and just at the bottom of the pile. I am not as good as doing as I preach 😀 Asking friends what your strengths are is a tough one to put on people, as no one will truly know. And to be honest If I asked MYSELF that same question, I wouldn't know how to answer it. I think getting through life isn't concentrating what a strengths we have but asking yourself what you enjoy doing personal and work related. I have a high profile job, top of the food chain, and I am in way too deep now to change it as I have 100's of people depending on my success, but if you were to ask me my strengths I would say teaching people, (for the record this isn't what I do now), not because I am great at it, but I really really enjoy it. I would give up my full time job in a heart beat to go teach people how to ride motorcycles!.. It would be a dream job for me, but I just cant financially. So my point is, fantasise about what you truly love to do, even if its going for walks in the forest/mountains, going for bike rides and this can lead on to every thing in life. answering phones, data entry are not the right job as these a usually fill in jobs and would be boring over time, but working with elderly is amazing!. this is giving something back. I call it a satisfaction job. I used to be a volunteer firefighter, we used to get paid for it, but I would have done it for free as I LOVED it so much, this is the energy you need to find. Find out what you love to do, and see if you can adjust your life slowly.
  9. Hey WDIS I have just started Therapy, so cant comment on how its going to make me feel, From what I get from your post is you feel low, and unfortunately this is the hardest cycle to break. People feed off our energy, and if we send out positive vibes then we get positivity returned. We have the power to go get anything we want, the hardest bit is our attitude towards life in general and our motivation. When we are suffering it makes us lazy, un motivated and this then spirals into feeling rubbish. I have started up a new company, and today I was at work with a huge positive attitude and the amount of work I got done was incredible, however I came home and my personal life issues started to bother me and three hours later I just want to curl up and rot!. Our minds are very powerful. Someone said to me recently "What ever we send out, we get back in return" For example, if we bounce around happy then the people around us will do it back. I have two great examples of this, and without knowing your situation, I will use my experiences as example. 1). My kids, 10 years old, if I run down stairs and start chasing them around, playing tag and jumping up and down on the couch signing a verse of spice girls, I can GUARENTEE they will get all hyper active and start playing with me. 2) If I start excitedly start calling a dogs name and running up to it and puffing about happy and throwing a ball, you watch how the dog reacts to our energy. Now, this hardest bit is making yourself in that "playful" mood in life!!!!!! its something I cant break yet as feeling like that goes against my mind and my mind is saying "stop it, we are unhappy remember!" and it feels wrong somehow. This probably doesn't help much, but all I can say, try being positive, one thing at a time, and the world will respond around you.
  10. Hello, You are in a very difficult situation, and the relationship sounds (from your post) very toxic. You will begin to fall out with yourself when you are beaten down, even verbally this can be very toxic and the moment you look in the mirror and can not be happy with yourself, then its hard to love others. I know, because I am in the situation, I cant even look in the mirror without being disgusted. I would never tell my wife she is fat, this for me is the lowest, and technically bullying. I can 100% tell you, that you don't need to be around that, and it may hurt and be the toughest thing you will ever do, but by breaking free you will rebuild your life and meet someone who loves you unconditionally. You deserve it!
  11. Hey Lilly, Once again thanks for your input, it really helps. I had a rethink about the "list" and knew it wouldn't be the way forward. The night before we had a very emotional conversation about the marriage being beyond repair and she actually said to me she broke down at work, and as she is a nurse the clinic had to cancel all of her appointments and put her on an admin day! This makes me incredibly sad and I hate seeing her hurt, and I know I am causing this. Instead of the list, I introduced a list of my feelings and what's going on in my head. The conversation remained very calm, only at one point it did appear to go "south", but I got it back on track. After a couple of hours we have agreed to play it out day by day trying to make adjustments. It also turns out that I do stuff that annoys her, which is amazing as I never realized some of it. I think if I recap, our communication is at fault, we have drifted apart and are taking each other for granted. Whether I can repair my feelings, as we ended up having sex and it felt great, but this morning I have woken up and cant stop getting upset, if I am honest, I think there is other demons in my head and the issues go so much deeper. We have agreed to give it time, allow me to get counselling sessions to see if I can unlock this "resentment" feelings, and move forward. If not, then we can both be at peace that we gave it ago and end up being best friends, as much as that will **** me, it has to be the best for both. I have never known any other (proper) relationship as I met her when I was 22 so this feels really alien to me. I like your idea about trialling tasks for each other, I will definitely suggest this!
  12. Hey Lilly, Thank you a lot for your reply, it means a lot, and I like your point of view. The thing I am very grateful for is no one has cheated and there is 100% no violence (ever), we are very close and get on, in 20 years we have never had an argument (not a proper one, little hissy fits maybe) I know what your saying, its good to hear from someone else's perspective, we have tried the cleaner route but she always "sacks" them for certain reasons, like "I can do it better myself", she will then blitz the house and omg she can clean, the house looks amazing, when she does everyone else in the house makes an effort, even my 13 year old!!! she will put her plates in the dishwasher! lol but as soon as my wife lets go, then so does everyone else because it becomes impossible. Just for the record, I am not too hung up on this, this was just one thing that bugs me as I am quite a tidy and clean person, I have an OCD. Do you think that I need to let her know the "list" to make it work?.. I am so scared of her feeling targeted
  13. Hello, I am new to the forum, but I came desperately looking for answers and found this place. (sorry, clicked submit before I typed the rest of the message) I have been with my wife for 20 years, and married for 11. We have two daughters 13 and 11. The girls are amazing, but of course at their age bring their element of stress levels as you can imagine. We live in a lovely house, have everything we want as I support the household 100% financially. I have suffered with panic attacks and anxiety for 15 years which has put a massive strain on the marriage, as its been very limiting in what I will allow myself to do. Now I feel I have fallen into a severe depressive trap. I feel so low that EVERY one around me can see it. I even talked with myself last night about suicide as this seems the easy option out of the hole I have found myself in. So, I hit 40 two years ago and since then have (what I call) a midlife. I have personally been very unhappy in the marriage for I would say 10 years, becoming extremely disconnected with my wife as since the first child came along, the first few years it took my wife time to recover, then the second came along who wouldn't sleep through the night for years so made my wife very tired. Our love life had become very "robotic", meaning the sex was always one way and occasional. In the beginning I would always come on to her, but to be pushed away if she wasn't in the mood, we still had sex about once a fortnight, but this became more of a release for me, rather than making love. This, in my opinion has caused the start of resentment, I stopped kissing her in the morning because I would feel like why should I give her that small bit of affection if she is always pushing me away. The flirting stopped from her totally, and to cut a long story short we are now "mum & dad" rather than husband and wife. Over the years there a few other things that cause me stress in the relationship, like her tiredness, she will go to bed at 9pm watch her programs and then fall to sleep within a couple of minutes meaning we don't get to even sit with each other. If we start watching a movie she will go on her phone or again fall asleep. She has always been very lazy as well, meaning the house is a bomb site. It gets so messy that I refuse to walk around cleaning up after her, again this resentment is back. She isn't very career driven, she has a good job, but doesn't have desire to move up and onwards meaning I am the major breadwinner and she is waiting to give up work as soon as she can. Her motivation is very low, she was very active at the beginning, and I know we aren't getting any younger and she says she has anxiety over her body, so hasn't got confidence. She doesn't suffer from depression or stress (so she says), but she will put her self on a diet or go to a gym class once and then it stops. Now I don't have any issue with her body changing, I support her with what ever, but when she is motivated everything else seemed to slot in place. (this was before kids). I opened up to her about my depression and unhappiness two nights ago, but I haven't listed the things that bug me as I don't want her to feel that I am pointing a finger and making it all her fault, so I have said that I cant continue in the marriage the way it is because I am very low. She is advising me to get help, like counselling, (which I have started), but I fear that I am just at the end of a long bit of rope but didn't reach the ledge. At the end of the day I want to be happy, but I am so scared of breaking the marriage and not living within a family unit and I desperately don't want to cause her any pain. I fantasize about an active lifestyle with someone, go walking/cycling, car meets, getting on my motorbike and going to Europe. but my wife doesn't share any of my hobbies AT ALL, and I would much prefer to do these things with other people. I also don't want to see her in pain as she doesn't want to split, I asked her last night to go and cheat on me to make it easy lol Sorry for the long post, my question is: is going into my own domain the right thing?.. do I separate to find myself again? I know I will be lonely as I am useless with meeting women, but seeing my future with a motivated, active, goal driven person excites me, this will probably stay as a fantasy but living in my current house is tough and I seriously cant go on with the next 10 years, let alone my life as I will look back and regret it. Do I talk with her about my unhappiness list, or will she feel I have attacked her and its all her fault.. how do I approach this? please help!?! thanks in advance
  14. Thank you very much for you guys for responding to my post, it means a lot. My feelings are so bad, that one minute my head is saying that you're happy, and another part of my head says "why are you trying to be happy", and it makes it feel unnatural and going against what I should be feeling, if that makes any sense. @Tim, I haven't tried medication yet, I kind of refuse to, as I am a very nervous when it comes to tablets and have never liked taking them. In my mind its like sweeping under the carpet. Like if you want to go on a plane, you take a "calms", this may get you through the flight, but the reason never cures, am I right in thinking the same with depression tablets. It may give you a boost but never cures the issue? Thanks again to the others who have posted, It makes a big difference being able to talk to people, even if not in person. I tried talking to my wife last night, and the subject changed so quickly. "Normal" people just get so nervous when speaking to people with issues. pffff
  15. Marriage counselling will help I think, the problem in my relationship is communication. My wife is very distant with me, and its all or nothing and I don't want to pressure her by nagging, and I know she wishes I took the lead. But in my case, I was pushed away for so many years, "don't touch me" "I am too tired" etc etc, that in the end you feel like you don't want to cross a line and get rejected. With me, I miss the flirting, I miss the messing around which in turns you miss the closeness. My words maybe way off your situation, but my point is, getting support could really help, as the communication will be extracted by a professional, rather than you sitting down and both sides not saying what they really want without sounding "mean"
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