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Blue Giant

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Posts posted by Blue Giant

  1. My depression has caused addictions in my life, mainly sex and eating and both are getting out of control. Sex just started with myself but now has expanded to dangerous areas and every time I try to go cold turkey I get pulled back in and I'm getting scared. Eating started with just enjoying some chocolate but now it's like I have convinced my brain that I can't function without it. I had a bad night last night in both areas so today is the day I hope to put things back on track, it's only the 674th time if tried, wish me luck. 

  2. My food addiction is chocolate, I do enjoy all kinds of comfort foods but don't crave them, I have to have chocolate everyday. Moderation doesn't work for me, I went cold turkey once but it came back. Stress is a also a huge trigger for all my addictions. 

  3. Thanks for the encouragement. I know what you mean by the "abusers see", it's like I got a target on my back. How is it every place I end up in I'm the one who gets pick on. It's sad to say but I like these pandemic lockdowns, gives me an excuse not to be social, which I know is  wrong but it feels safe. 

  4. Is there a way out of this cycle of darkness? I don't do the things I know I should and continue to do things I don't want to do knowing they will cause me pain and shame. This cycle of addiction to mask my depression spins so fast it seems the next cycle is beginning before the first one stops. While the shame sets in from the first addiction I'm thinking about the second to make me feel better. It is kind of like paying of my first credit card with my second credit card but it always ends with me lying in bed staring at the ceiling thinking why?

  5. This is how my heart feels, I want to love everyone but am so scared of getting nothing but rejection in return. To me this heart looks scared. So instead of taking a chance I pull away from everyone, if I don’t take a chance I can’t get rejected. Now I’m 45 years old and have no close friends but how do I reverse this now, people my age don’t make new friends they already have a full life full of people. My loneliness is ******* me. I don’t know what I’ll do when my boys move out of the house. Of course this fuels my depression and makes me pull away even further from society, how do I change this terrible cycle.




  6. On 4/8/2021 at 6:59 PM, sober4life said:

    I think every single person ever goes through what you're going through in your mind.  It's because there is such a fear in being ourselves in this world or I'm beginning to think it's all in my head.  The people around us don't care who we are or what we do.  All they really want is for us to not get into trouble especially trouble they have to clean up.  Beyond that I think people just show up to the "party" with only themselves and their issues and desires on their minds.  So try to take away the fear and just do whatever you want in the moment.  Most of us are bored most of the time and can't really make any sense of any of this.  Life seems to be mostly doing whatever we have to do to cope with life.

    Thank you for your kind words. 

  7. Who am I? I don’t even know, how could I be alive for so long and not even know who I am. I am so mixed up in;

    Who I think I am

    Who I think others think I am

    Who I want to be

    Who I think I should be

    Who I think I can be

    Who I think others think I should be


    They say to be yourself but what if you’re not happy with yourself? Do you change yourself? What do you change yourself into? Will this make things worse by being someone you are not? but if I keep going on being myself in I will never be happy. Why is this so confusing?

    How do in find out who I am? How do I change into a person I think will make me happy? How do I stop myself from doing the things that make me unhappy? When do I start making changes? Does that make me someone different or am I the same person just doing different things? What makes a person? The things they do or things they think or the thinks they say? What is going to happen if I don’t don’t change things?

    What is wrong with me?

    Why is this happening to me?

    How can I keep going on like this?

    When will this end?

    Who am I?

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