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Blue Giant

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About Blue Giant

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  1. My depression has caused addictions in my life, mainly sex and eating and both are getting out of control. Sex just started with myself but now has expanded to dangerous areas and every time I try to go cold turkey I get pulled back in and I'm getting scared. Eating started with just enjoying some chocolate but now it's like I have convinced my brain that I can't function without it. I had a bad night last night in both areas so today is the day I hope to put things back on track, it's only the 674th time if tried, wish me luck.
  2. My food addiction is chocolate, I do enjoy all kinds of comfort foods but don't crave them, I have to have chocolate everyday. Moderation doesn't work for me, I went cold turkey once but it came back. Stress is a also a huge trigger for all my addictions.
  3. Thanks for the encouragement. I know what you mean by the "abusers see", it's like I got a target on my back. How is it every place I end up in I'm the one who gets pick on. It's sad to say but I like these pandemic lockdowns, gives me an excuse not to be social, which I know is wrong but it feels safe.
  4. Is there a way out of this cycle of darkness? I don't do the things I know I should and continue to do things I don't want to do knowing they will cause me pain and shame. This cycle of addiction to mask my depression spins so fast it seems the next cycle is beginning before the first one stops. While the shame sets in from the first addiction I'm thinking about the second to make me feel better. It is kind of like paying of my first credit card with my second credit card but it always ends with me lying in bed staring at the ceiling thinking why?
  5. I'm new here but wished I'd joined 20 years ago.
  6. I have the same problem, it's 3am before you know it. I sometimes listen to music with headphones and that helps clear my head.
  7. Blue Giant

    Let it go

    I could write this today. You feel exactly how I feel. You just have to keep trying, I've said today is the day probably 1000 times.
  8. Blue Giant

    Hello

    Bullied a lot as a child and also seem to be the target of being made fun of as an adult. Mom suffers from manic depression and stopped being my mother around 17 or 18 years old. - missed helping me dress for first big job interview - missed my wedding I suffer from serious depression which seem to really started when I was around 20 years old. Got married at 28 years old after many years of complete loneliness and am a father to 2 boys. Due to my depression I have struggled with my weight and procrastination, the procrastination added lots of stress to my job and home life and the more stress that was added the more I ate and just wanted to sleep. And of course people would pick at my weight causing even more depression. At 39 my wife left me because of the above reasons and started the worse 2 years of my life. The only person who ever loved me was now my enemy as we proceeded through a hate filled separation with no chance of giving me a second chance. At 41 my wife passed away with cancer that she had been struggling with for the last 1 ½ years of which I did not know. Now the only person I ever loved was gone forever and she hated me right up to the end. Now at 46 as a single father I suffer even more greatly with depression with medication doing nothing and my struggles with over eating and procrastination are even worse causing extreme stress on my life. I can’t get anything done and my boys are suffering. I am the odd man out no matter where I go in my life. My in-laws have accepted me back but I know it was for the boys, was even told “I guess if we want to see the boys we have to see you”. I’ll always wonder what they are thinking. In my work there is 3 of us who have been there a long time, the other 2 were given the promotion. They deserved it as my procrastination hurt my production but now it’s a daily reminder of how much of a failure I am. I have some friends but no best friend, no group of friends that I belong to completely, I’m always the other guy, last to get invited. I know this is also my fault as I’m not social of a person so it’s just another reminder of what a loser I am when I don’t get invited. I know how to fix all these things but my depression just won’t allow me to catch up in life. It’s like telling an overweight person to stop eating so much and start to exercise, they know what they need to do, it’s nothing they don’t know but they just can’t do it. I just can’t do it. The worst is that everyone I know would tell you that I am a really nice person but no one wants to be with me, I don’t know why people don’t like me. So I’ll die alone, I don’t even know where my grave site would be put. Sometimes I wish I had died and my wife had lived.
  9. This is how my heart feels, I want to love everyone but am so scared of getting nothing but rejection in return. To me this heart looks scared. So instead of taking a chance I pull away from everyone, if I don’t take a chance I can’t get rejected. Now I’m 45 years old and have no close friends but how do I reverse this now, people my age don’t make new friends they already have a full life full of people. My loneliness is ******* me. I don’t know what I’ll do when my boys move out of the house. Of course this fuels my depression and makes me pull away even further from society, how do I change this terrible cycle.
  10. Who am I? I don’t even know, how could I be alive for so long and not even know who I am. I am so mixed up in; Who I think I am Who I think others think I am Who I want to be Who I think I should be Who I think I can be Who I think others think I should be They say to be yourself but what if you’re not happy with yourself? Do you change yourself? What do you change yourself into? Will this make things worse by being someone you are not? but if I keep going on being myself in I will never be happy. Why is this so confusing? How do in find out who I am? How do I change into a person I think will make me happy? How do I stop myself from doing the things that make me unhappy? When do I start making changes? Does that make me someone different or am I the same person just doing different things? What makes a person? The things they do or things they think or the thinks they say? What is going to happen if I don’t don’t change things? What is wrong with me? Why is this happening to me? How can I keep going on like this? When will this end? Who am I?
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