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About BWallaroo

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  1. I just needed to vent a bit, I don't really have anyone to turn to since I get on everyon'e s nerves with crying,being sad and negative about everything: It's been a very very bad week: taxes are due and I know I will owe a huge amout to pay things off...I feel like an idiot, I am so lucky to get money and I try so hard to save, but with rent, bills and groceries it all added up...plus, I paid for a course and a holiday (not even a really big one)... I started smoking again, after not smoking for years. I'm doing a vet nursing course that I really enjoy, with it I need to work or volunteer at a real clinic to gain exerpience...since I'm too old (here you have to be paid over a min wage after a certain age), nobody wants to hire me as a beginner , so I only get volunteer positions (it sucks so bad: I see younger nurses starting out the same course, with no experience and I already have so much more to offer). Not to mention its an online course, and even though I keep up with studying and work hard because I love it, the pratical side makes me so nervous as I am only allowed to volunteer once a day (I already asked for more days but they can't offer. I already changed over from another 2 clinics because one I wasn't even allowed to watch surgeries and wait 4 hours and do nothing, the other the manager told me she didn't want me to do anything anymore because she wanted the work to be saved to train the people she is newly hiring). Tomorrow I volunteer and so nervous when they ask me to do practical stuff again and fail... I feel so lonely an frustrated, my partner is happy and comes home from work and talks about his day, but its gotten to hte point he has had enough of listening to me and doesn't know how to cheer me up (or he has problems of his own getting used to night shift work again)... I have been trying so hard for the last few weeks to find a job, nothing I am qualified for with just 2 years customer service experience that not a younger, cheaper kid can do...and then I have a bachelor degree of arts which I can't seem to get into with anything because my art isn't good enough (I tried so hard getting into graphic design, I just don't "get" the commercial side of things, the vector art...mine is all hand drawn and "messy"...)... I'm starting to loose hope. Last night when my partner went to work and I went to bed, I prayed for the first time in years, wishing I could finally find something i was good at and make a living out of, and that my partner gets used to his night shift easily and keep up his good health... I am so sad about everything, and want help, but can't afford it or ask anyone because everyone has had enough to try and "cheer me up".
  2. Thank you so much for the welcome, I've been pretty good, for years I haven't had a depressive outburst and keep getting better and better. The best way is usually, I do tell myself that it is a disease, what I am thinking is not right, it is part of the insanity and that I will hurt other people if I keep letting out burst of anger. When I do talk to people, I tell myself aswell to give in to my ego, they are right in what they have to say. I tried to keep calm and burst out crying and we have had a long talk about how I'm feeling, I was being idiotic again with my feelings, that they were not true. We are going to work on a meal plan on Sunday and see how I go, I put my ego aside and accepted I needed help to loose weight and thankfully my fiance is there to help me... I'm trying to take it as a "bad day" and give myself a week to heal, just do more things that make me happy and not ask too much of myself to do at once...see how'll that go...
  3. I have a serious self-esteem issue: I am overweight but have been trying so hard to work on it (running 2 times a week, working up to running an hour; walk for an hour most days; and eating 1200 calories a day, I'm very short so this still doesn't let me loose weight easily). I have a So but he doesn't give compliments, he doesn't really understand and I can't make him tell me I look beautiful because I know its not what he really thinks. Now I've been working as a volunteer in an online course, the problem is I don't get practice with things so I only learn when people at my volunteer job have time (not a lot), and I'm doubting I will find a job with it... Everyime in social situations, people talk to my SO and I have such trouble keeping people engaged... So I get bored because I talk about things they love and I feel like ceap because no one remembers me or asks anything about my life... I feel like I have no value anymore since my looks faded, I was beautiful and people didn't care what I had to say but were desperate to include me. But back in school I was still the fat weird kid...when I lost loads of weight from binge drinking and smoking, I had my early 20's fun of being beautiful, now I don't have that anymore... Plus, I am so obscenly clumsy, I keep dropping things, getting things tangled up... I just don't know what to do, I went to see a professional 5 years ago but he kept trying to prescribe me meds and more on top everytime I complained of symptoms. I kind of just stopped and hsd fun but gained weight because I enjoyed food so much to relax! I haven't felt this depressed in years..we just came back from a holiday, I decided to apply for a job but heard now that the one I was looking at would leave me alone to handle a retail shop and having to stress over reaching sales targets... Usually I would go and draw, but that has gone down too lately because nobody cares about my art or enjoys it. I'm not angry at people for not liking it, I mean everyone has their own opinion, but it saddens me still since I worked so hard at it... I haven't been working a while but I'm scared, anxious, stressed and depressed right now going to my volunteer position and feel like I am just going to let out my anger and unhappiness out on other people...
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