Okay so basically, my life is in turmoil and I really can't do anything about it. Okay so basically some background. I'm actually quite young which makes me worry about this even more. I think it started nearing the end of fifth grade. I started to have no motivation to go to school and missed many days along with the fact that I started crying every week. It stopped and I didn't think much of it, but it started happening again in sixth grade (multiple times) where I felt useless to my mom and everyone around me and that's when my suicidal thoughts started coming in. I mean sometimes I would even just stare at my stairs contemplating on whether I should jump or no. I even started to think about ******* other people, and I wouldn't understand why people complained when they got hurt, because I would just get up again and walk it off (I have sickle cell, so its not like I could have ice). Then I discovered I had some sort of empathy problem for sure. I mean I don't really care for other people's emotions and only want them to understand how I feel and how I want them to interprete my feelings. In fact I really don't cry other than for myself or fictional characters than aren't real, which again the crying is caused because my feeling are being hurt not because the other character or person is being hurt. Then a year later my mom started scolding for not doing basic things like taking a bath and even just brushing my teeth or simple things like that. She said I had a problem with self care and I believed her, but for the wrong reason. I thought that I wasn't motivated because I was a horrible person that didn't care about me hurting other's. Because I'm a fairly good child I barely lie and I get good grades, I mean I'm even in IB. But I decided to look it up and found out that it was a symptom of depression that most depressed people had. I mean I wasn't oblivious to the idea that I may have had depression. I even took many depression test and they said I have moderate depression, but I didn't think that was enough to "diagnose" me . but whenever I go to the doctor they think I'm a fine and happy girl, so it's hard to bring the topic of (I've been going there for 8 years). But about 6 months ago my mom found out I stopped taking my medicine for sickle cell for about half a year and she got angry and asked my if I valued my life at all and if I wanted to die. At that moment I wanted to tell her everything, but I knew she wouldn't respond well so I just said no and that I wanted to live. After that she monitored me and I had to go to the hospital for an emergency check up. Everyone there was concerned for me especially since I was lucky enough to not have painful episodes like most sickle cell patients and once I got to my main doctor she asked me if I felt depressed in any way and my mom responded for me saying oh no she is doing well in school and is very active (none of those statements were true) and they proceed to laugh the idea off and move onto a different topic. At that moment I was even more scared to ell anyone and I proceed to keep hiding it. But I think that now I am in another episode my mom has been noticing and asking me if I'm okay, but I keep telling her I'm fine. But other than my self care problem the most important to me right now is my social life. I mean I have plenty of "friends", but in reality they aren't significant to my life at all and once I get homes I get on my phone and fade into my own world, I BARELY even n talk to my own family and somewhat despise my grandmother. I feel like everything in my life is fake, even my emotions and whenever I actually talk to people or my friends I end up just adapting to their likes and needs in order to fit in and even fake my interests. And whenever I try to "be myself" I always end up acting like a female dog to everyone and so I just resort to my old ways :(. The worst part is that whenever I decide that I have depression I immediately tell myself to "stop acting", as if I'm doing it for attention because I'm a selfish child and when I get emotional it just feels like I'm dong it so I can "feel normal", which makes me cry even more and think of have useless I am. I feel like I started to do better before this episode, I stopped being suicidal and decided that I won't **** ever myself. But instead I wish that someone would **** me instead, but not particularly its just that I don't see that much value in a human life and would be fine with it if I just died right know. I thinks that's why I don't have motivation to take my medicine (even though I remember to everyday I just don't feel a need to, even though I know I could die) and do basic human functions. But yeah that's all that I wanted to say.
So if you had the time and patience to even read this thank you, it means so much to mean and some advice would be appreciated. But I don't think there would anything straightforward for my mess of a life. ❤️