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KatyJaneD's Achievements


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  1. I suppose that 1) I'm trying to decide just how much to engage, and part of this is trying to understand 2) what he might be thinking/feeling when he's so cold toward me.
  2. Thank you for your honest opinion and well wishes Perhaps I can strike a happy medium, and continue to chat when we bump into each other (which is often - though I've considered avoiding him). The trouble with this, is I often can't tell whether he even wants to chat. When I engage with him when we cross paths, I often feel like I'm irritating him (which could well be me projecting my own insecurities and filtering them through his less-than-enthusiastic demeanor). Again, I know every person and every situation is different - I don't want to make any generalizations about those managing depression - but in your experience, when you're not feeling well is it irritating when people try to engage with you, or is it more that it's just difficult to interact in an enthusiastic way?
  3. Thank you for the input :^) I have been forthcoming with him and straight out told him I'm still interested in him. He actually volunteered to meet to talk about it, and when we did meet, he essentially told me he's interested too, but he was ambiguous about whether he felt up to spending more time together. I know dating is out of the question for now, and I most certainly don't think I can "fix" him nor do I see him as a conquest. Until perhaps his emotional availability changes, I'd like to maintain some sort of connection - especially since, despite his distance, he's also communicated to me that he wants that too. But I just feel like I've done all that I can without losing self-respect as well as his respect. I even ran into him today, and he was so... distant. Almost seemed irritated with me. And this is despite a comment he made a few days ago about our situation with each other only being complex if we "allow it to be" moving forward. WTF? I'm so tired of feeling unwanted. And I have decided to stop actively pursuing him. Will distancing myself just lead him to push me away even more? Even if that's the case, I just don't seen any other option for myself right now.
  4. Thank you to you all for your thoughtful replies to this. I've been away without much wifi for a few weeks, or I would have expressed my gratitude sooner. Epictetus, thank you for your detailed insights. It helps a lot. I like (is like the word for it?) your "rock of jello" analogy :o) It's hard - I so want concrete equations to explain and remedy this situation, and like you've pointed out, it's so so messy. 6dantex6 and BeyondWeary, I'm happy to hear that perhaps nudging him is okay. Though, one thing that troubles me regarding this, is often when I see him, he's polite, but doesn't seem to want to engage with me. Consequently, I really can't tell whether I'm irritating him on those occasions, and whether reaching out would be irritating to him. I know everyone is different, but have you found that sort of attention (from someone who is romantically interested in you) unwanted when you don't have much energy? II want to keep some sort of ball in the air with him (even if dating is out of the question right now - I agree with John_in_SF) but I need to maintain my own dignity. on the one hand he tells me that he's "reactive" but not "proactive" as if he's prompting me to nudge him (and I don't mind being more patient with him) but on the other hand, I just can't do all the work and feel good about myself doing it, plus I really can't tell whether he even wants me to reach out. Sorry - this turned into rambling a bit. Thank you again, everyone - I appreciate that strangers have taken the time to help out some anonymous interloper :o)
  5. Hello again to this kind community. I’ve posted a couple of times recently about a man I'm pretty crazy about who suffers from depression. A couple of days ago we met and talked about our confusing involvement that took place about a year ago, and the subsequent awkward push and pull between us since then. He told me that the reason he’s been distant and hard to read is related to feeling poorly emotionally and like he hasn’t had anything to give. We didn’t come to any conclusions about whether we’d start seeing each other again; it was clear that it wasn't something to ask for an answer about at the time. He talked as if this thing between us is not over, but said nothing explicit about dating or making plans to do things together. Despite this, it was an important conversation, and I deeply appreciated that he made the effort to talk with me in person about this - in fact, I did not ask to meet; he volunteered that we meet after I’d candidly texted him to inquire about where we stand. What I’m here to ask about is input on how much to nudge him to spend time with me vs letting go for now. I’m working with mixed signals from him and limited knowledge of what his behavior and words may mean about what he needs and wants: He’s often sweet and flirtatious with me and demonstrates his continued interest, but can also go awol for days and usually need prompting before engaging with me (me texting him, or us crossing paths in town). I’ve come to not take his leaves of absence from text communication personally. Same goes for delays or absences of any other sort, for that matter. One thing that really has me puzzled is that twice recently, (both times alluding to our involvement with each other) he’s made a point of telling me that he’s "not very proactive” but that he’s “responsive” - meaning he’s there when people reach out. Also, he told me that he’s “good at being attracted to someone without acting”. I wonder whether I should take that to mean that he’s asking me to push to spend time with him. I genuinely don’t know, and I'm not sure whether I should assume that him not reaching out indicates that he's not interested enough to, or whether it's the much more complicated effects of depression. I would assume the latter, but I just can't be sure about anything here. And regardless, I don’t mind being extra patient and taking more initiative than I would with most men, but I also need to be met part of the way there and not have to jump through hoops. Any thoughts on all of this? It’s all quite difficult to navigate.
  6. Thank you, GlassIsEmpty. I've wondered this, and it puts me in a bind because I want to be patient if that's the case, yet I can't keep letting myself be strung along (even though I do not believe that's his intention).
  7. I have wondered what role anxiety may be playing in all of this, like Acarlay and BeyondWeary have suggested, and if that is the case, it puts me in a weird bind because I want to do what I can to facilitate contact with him, yet I just can't let myself be strung along.
  8. Thank you all very much for these replies. I appreciate all of them, and read each shortly after they were posted - I just haven't replied until now. Thank you to MarkintheDark for your candid input. I agree that it's likely he's just not emotionally available. I've never felt that I can "fix" him or that being with someone would make his depression better, though thank you for the warning. I'm starting to think that at this point, I've done what I can to communicate my interest, and if things change for him in the future, hopefully he'll reach out. He did reply to my text and told me he'd love to talk about it and that we should get together soon, but after a week, he's not tried to make plans. He texted me once (last night) essentially to say hello. It was sweet and flirtatious, but while I don't think it's his intention, I feel strung along. Apart from not trying to make plans, but telling me he'd like to, his signals are always mixed; on the one hand, there are the occasional sweet (often slightly flirtations) texts, and sweet conversations when we see each other in passing, and on the other hand, sometimes I see him and he appears to be in the absolute dumps, and sometimes he straight up pretends to not see me when we're in the same coffee shop. It just sucks. I do not believe that he's intentionally leading me on, but obviously, this can't go on like this.
  9. Hi all. I came here a few days ago with some questions about depression and about someone I care deeply for who struggles with with depression, and I received some very kind and helpful replies from this community. Thank you. I'm back now with more confusion... I've had a confusing involvement with a very special person who struggles with depression. (We're both 30, if that matters.) He told me about his depression early on after we met. He has never explicitly told me: I act distant and uninterested sometimes because of it, but I've assumed this to be the case. I'm fairly informed about how depression can complicate dating and relationships, yet I still have trouble wrapping my mind around it. After spending some time together a few days ago and feeling very confused about mixed signals from him, I texted him yesterday to tell him (patiently and kindly) that, while we've lost contact a bit this past year, I'm still interested in him, and that it would be helpful to know how he feels too. He hasn't replied to this (it was only a little over a day ago, but certainly that's the sort of message that requires some attention). I expected this, yet I still can't wrap my mind around his lack of reply. What kinds of thoughts and feelings tend to be involved in this sort of avoidance?
  10. I get the most mixed signals from him (he'll seem very happy to see me, send me sweet texts one day, and then be non-responsive for days on end) and so I'm never 100% that I'm not being rejected and that reaching out would even be welcome. For example, I asked him (via text) a few days ago whether he'd like to hang out. He enthusiastically replied yes, but then when I asked him when would work well for him, he's disappeared. Maintaining my own emotional health is certainly what needs to come first - thank you to those who mentioned that. I figured I would be okay knowing that he's in pain and so I shouldn't take his behavior personally, but I find myself constantly questioning his interest.
  11. I never thanked you all for your thoughtful replies. I appreciate them.
  12. I hope I'm not interloping on this sub-forum, since I don't particularly deal with depression myself, but rather, this question is about depression in general. I'm trying to better understand someone I care about who struggles with depression. Specifically, I wonder whether depression can cause very inconsistent behavior, and if so, whether I should give him space or keep engaging. I [30F] care deeply for someone [30m] who has dealt with clinical depression for quite a while. We dated briefly about a year ago, and then things sort of fell apart when he hit a particularly dark patch. Since then, I've given him space - engaging when we cross paths, but not texting or trying to spend time with him. I would still very much like to try to date him, and I'd like to ask him to spend time with me, but he's profoundly confusing. When we cross paths, often he seems quite happy to see me and seems flirtatious (I think). But other times he's very withdrawn, engages with me minimally, and sometimes he downright pretends to not see me. When this happens, I feel like he doesn't care at all about me. It's incredibly hurtful, though I don't think he intends for it to be. My questions are: Can depression underlie very inconsistent behavior toward friends, family, etc? If so, how can I help? Does he not want to talk to me, or should I put forward more effort to let him know I care about him?
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