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emptyman

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  1. Bad. I mean it. Don't want to get into details. Took my meds early today hoping to numb the pain and trying to keep on working. I really need to find something to keep me going, yet everything I try I just give up on after 30 min total (usually it takes just a few minutes). Tired of things I used to like, nothing new seems to work either. Feeling alone in this world yet I have no clue how to properly interact with people so they stay not leave. I failed again I guess. Really wish I could end myself, but I'm too much of a coward.
  2. I feel restless and at the same time I want to do many things but I end up doing nothing because my mind is busy finding out what the f it wants. Sick of myself, getting bored with everything before I even start. I found some meds I thought I've run out of, but I guess they are pretty much useless anyway.
  3. So, I thought I had much more medication supplies than I needed. Seems I do have more than I need, but only some types of them. No sertraline left, 1 pack of aripiprazole, just lots of mood stabilizers (which always kinda keep the mood stable, but low, lower than "normal") and plenty of the other antipsychotic. I guess I would not let that happen if I cared about myself, but I do not. I wonder if I'll make it till the end of work or just give up in a few minutes, I'm so sick of it.
  4. Sick of myself, sick of work and making all those ugly websites (on customers' demands, mostly).
  5. I feel a little better. Had a night drive in my youngtimer. Wish I could feel better when interacting with people instead of things, but seems it's not going to happen. And I don't blame people, I blame myself for that. I also started splitting my antipsychotics doses so I take part of them before leaving work to avoid the anxiety or panic attacks. It works somehow.
  6. Afraid of life, afraid of death. Stuck in this pointless existence. Been reading some "guides" on ending this, ended up with "there is no suitable way for such a coward".
  7. I want to die. Wish my panic attacks could lead to that, not just feel like it. Took my meds already, today that is not enough as I still wish I was dead and it's the only thing left in my mind. I am so tired of myself. I'm not capable of doing any harm to myself, though.
  8. Useless, worthless. I actually don't "feel" like that, I just know it's true. Would be better if I disappeared.
  9. Exhausted after the worst panic attack I had in months. Short but nasty. I could barely breathe, so guess what, I started walking faster so it felt like I was going to suffocate, yet I could not stop. The anxiety is still here. Taking my meds right now so I can calm down.
  10. So I am awake, after quite a few (too many) more mugs of coffee. I don't mind taking meds, but that morning struggle to keep awake is overwhelming sometimes. Maybe that's because of higher dosage of one of the antipsychotics, but it was increased for a reason and actually helped me survive without the need to be hospitalized again - so far. At least I had no paranoid thoughts today. I hear some echoes or whispers, though. That's why I have my headphones on almost the entire day.
  11. I'm not fully awake yet, even though I woke up like 3 hours ago and managed to get to work. 2 mugs of coffee didn't help much. So here I am looking at a 9-page document of fixes to make to a single website, wondering how the f am I supposed to do it.
  12. Got paranoid a few more times today. The meds are slowly making me sleepy and my mind is going blank. Sometimes I fight the meds just to stay awake and feel that peace instead of falling asleep and going through the portal to another day of my life.
  13. Hearing echoes of my thoughts again. Restless inside, paralyzed on the outside. Trying to survive. Can't wait until I take my evening meds so I can find some peace, even if it's just chemical. Also trying to identify the source of that phone dial sound I hear every day at work even when there is nobody else out there. Making me a bit paranoid about my employer.
  14. I saw my favourite band's live performance and it was a m a z i n g. Then I had to go to work and it was pain. Anyway I survived yesterday and today I'm not feeling that bad. I know my mood might collapse anytime, though.
  15. I was supposed to work today, but I was not even able to start. After a few hours of being haunted with those visions of self harm I went cycling for an hour or so, but the wind was pretty nasty, so ~16 km was all I could do. At least I got rid of thoughts for some time, I was too exhausted to think about anything. Feels a little bit better now, except for the fact I cannot focus on anything. I feel restless inside while my body feels exhausted, so I'm kind of trapped.
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