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emptyman

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  1. Had to send an embarassing message to my employer this morning - overslept 4th time this week and felt horrible. I could barely work, then decided to 'rest' a little after a few hours, but it did not help - I just can't rest. I've been fighting myself not to use any sharp objects on my skin, anyway I've been hitting myself with my own hands, laying down on the floor and doing some other weird stuff. I tried to exercise instead, failed. Currently 'enjoying' a brief moment of peace. I mean, until my mind decides to haunt itself again, and I feel it coming already. I wish I could make this end.
  2. I'm not sure I have any hobby right now. I used to like some activities, but it's all about finding anything that keeps my mind busy while not making me frustrated, it's been like that for a few years. I liked planespotting, flight simulators and aviation in general, enjoyed making music for some time, but then it became frustrating as I didn't have enough patience to become better at it, so I made almost no progress in a few years. Some technical stuff, coding, sometimes works, sometimes it does not. Used to like drawing, especially some kind of complicated patterns just using a black pen. Cycling worked for me as well for some time. I'm afraid I will never find anything that would make me really enjoy it anymore. I can only pick something that might keep me busy for a while. Wonder how long will I manage to keep on finding anything for my broken mind that is actually just waiting for the end.
  3. I was somewhat productive, stressed as hell, though. Need to get back to my meds, I've been too lazy to take them for a few days, to be honest. Still, I managed to be late for work and had to do it remotely. Luckily I have the opportunity.
  4. I managed to keep my mind busy yesterday at work. Actually today I'm busy too and the weekend is going to be the same, extra-paid work. Being busy is the only thing preventing me from all those thoughts. Sometimes I don't even want to be busy at all, though, so I sink into myself instead.
  5. I feel like crap. Each time I feel different it is only an illusion and then I regret believing it would last longer than a day or two. I hate myself. My mind keeps spamming itself with all the pictures of any possible self-harm, but that won't happen as I feel it's as pointless as my life.
  6. Starset - Dark On Me There’s no hate There’s no love Only dark skies that hang above I call your name as I walk alone Send a signal to guide me home Light the night up, you're my dark star And now you’re falling away But I found in you what was lost in me In a world so cold and empty I could lie awake just to watch you breathe In the dead of night you went dark on me You’re the cause The antidote The sinking ship that I could not let go You led my way, then disappeared How could you just walk away and leave me here Light the night up, you're my dark star And now you’re falling away But I found in you what was lost in me In a world so cold and empty I could lie awake just to watch you breathe In the dead of night you went dark on me Blinded I can’t do this on my own You are all I’ve got to guide me home
  7. "Sick and tired of being sick and tired." Cannot focus on my work. I almost fell asleep in the bath this morning. Then had trouble staying awake on the train to work. I already missed the station I was supposed to get out once this week. But I guess it is somewhat normal when taking 20 mg of olanzapine mixed with rest of the meds. I don't know how I'm supposed to make it through the day. I mean I probably will, but I wish it was already over.
  8. That is so sad to hear. In my case there is no such risk. The place I would go to is actually kind of "open", I mean you do have a variety of mandatory activities, but then you are free to get out for some time and then come back to sleep there. It is meant to be a place that prevents from relapse, not a regular psychiatric ward. At least that is an option I have here where I live (somewhere in Europe).
  9. I don't know how I feel. My psychiatrist suggested looking for some help, therapy, maybe hospitalization. I could not hide the thoughts I get, although I tried. At least he cares and remembers a thing about me, unlike the previous one. Not sure what I should do. There is one place I could go, but even though I might keep my job (hard to fire someone when he's the only employee you have and you don't even have some skills he does), I'm afraid it would be even worse when I come back.
  10. Feeling slightly better as I found out my favourite band is coming to the city I work in, and it's actually this month! Almost missed it, glad I accidentally found the information while searching for something else. I'll probably be the worst fan ever once I get there (too anxious to do anything other than standing and listening during such events), but that's something I cannot get rid of right now and I doubt I ever will. I don't think the better mood is going to last much longer than till the day of that performance, but still that's better than nothing.
  11. And I failed, I guess. Stuttered a lot when had to speak English, the other parts went decent, but it doesn't matter now as I messed everything up with that stuttering. Tired as hell after that call and I still need to get back to work.
  12. Anxious as I'm going to answer a long call from potential employer. I don't think I'll be lucky enough to make it through all the recruitment phases, anyway I think I'd even be less anxious if it was a regular interview and not a phone call.
  13. I hope it helps, take care. I totally understand the anxiety, I felt the same when I had to go to such place. Even considering staying at one particular place myself again, although it could mess up with my "career".
  14. Sick of my job, sick of my pointless efforts to find another one, sick of employers paying only the absolute minimum (when they get quite a lot of benefits due to my disability). Sick of myself. There is no escape, I just wish it would all end. I also feel as if I were only a spectator, watching myself even thinking(?). I kind of feel as if I didn't exist at all. I don't know why do I even care about what's going on then. Not sure when was the last time I had some similar thoughts, but the fact that I remember having them around 2016 during my hospitalization might not be optimistic. Might just be some derealization and/or depersonalization, might be a sign of incoming relapse as well.
  15. Hey, thanks. I wish it was a medication side effect, but I am actually diagnosed with schizophrenia. It might not be 100% accurate, but it's a diagnosis that makes the meds I need much cheaper to purchase where I live. Some psychiatrists say it seems like schizoaffective disorder. I experience both psychotic (less) and depressive symptoms (much more of these), anyway.
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