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emptyman

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  1. emptyman

    Here we go again?

    Seems the voices are back. As well as some sort of depression. Those were always related in my case. Might be schizoaffective disorder, not my "official" diagnosis (schizophrenia), but I don't really care, that would not change a thing. The voices keep whispering, telling me what to do, making comments, repeating my own thoughts. I have no trouble ignoring them in most cases. It's not that bad they tell me to commit suicide, as it is just some artificial creation of my brain - not scared or anxious in that case. Feeling that I really don't want to live is much worse. I consider it as a constant, personal opinion. I can't remember a time in my life without such thoughts somewhere at the back of my head. I hate myself, hate my mind, looks. Even when such thoughts are out of focus, I consider that an illusion. Feels like they are always with me, as I mentioned. I cannot move on with my life. And I don't think I really want to. I'm seeing my doctor in a couple of days, but seems all I will get is another pointless advice like "you seem to feel lonely, try to find someone". So I'm totally sick of myself, sick of the world and life, and then, when IF I find someone I'm instantly cured. Seems perfect, I'm in. Oh, wait, I actually tried that. Even girls with similar disorders, depressed, taking meds, would get sick of me in just a few months (if not weeks). And the reason would be they could not stand how depressed I was, how ironic. I should fix myself and then try any relationship, in that order. Not sure what I wanted to achieve with this post. No relief. Thanks for reading, if anyone.
  2. Music helps me too. Sometimes just listening to it and sometimes producing my own. Well, at least trying to do so - regardless of the results, it just helps a lot, it's one of my favourite 'time killers'. Other activity that affects me in a positive way is cycling (especially helpful when I just feel like I want to leave all behind - I ride up to 100 km in terms of distance, but only when I have time for that). I am also lucky enough to finally have a job that maybe isn't well paid so far, but at least I really enjoy it, except when I have to deal with a difficult customer - that may make me stressed sometimes. I create websites (as some sort of junior front-end dev, not a big company at all) and there's something enjoyable for me in looking for bugs in the code and then finally getting a decent solution. I often take care after some more 'creative' parts of my work at home, then just implement it and fix bugs when I'm at work.
  3. @sober4life, I didn't intend to sound any "unique" about that and I do know other people suffer, and that there is a large number of people who suffer much more than I do. I often get paranoid and misunterstand what other people say - just ignore my answer if I just did that. @Tim 52, Thank you for answering. I'm on quite a few medications. 2 antipsychotics (olanzapine, aripiprazole), 1 antidepressant (sertraline) and even a mood stabilizer (although not prescribed for this purpose - I got it from a neurologist as I had a few seizures in the past - it's also an anti-seizure medication). I'm not sure what else could be done about that. In the past one of my doctors suggested prescribing me some anxiolytics to use just in case of feeling like that. I refused, as I was very afraid of becoming addicted to them or misusing them generally.
  4. ***POTENTIAL TRIGGER*** Hello, I'm not sure where to post this or if there has already been a thread like that, but I could not find one. Also not sure if the "potential trigger" is needed in this case - please correct me if I'm wrong. I could not find better words for describing the state in the title, so let me clarify that. I would say both of these feature a mismatch between the state of my mind and the state of my body. The first state is when my mind seems empty, but my body is agitated, so it ends up walking around, trying to get rid of the agitation (akathisia?). It feels quite nasty. The second state is when my thoughts are racing, but I simply have no energy. It ends up trying to pick up some activities, but none of them lasts too long, because I cannot focus. It doesn't matter whether an activity requires a "completion", is productive or not - even the activities meant to pass the time are being abandoned very quickly. Sometimes there also moments when my state of mind matches the state of my body. I would say the times with racing thoughts and agitation at the same time are the most "dangerous", while I feel "bad but safe" when my mind is empty just as my body has no energy. But whether it's the "empty akathisia" or the "racing without energy" mentioned earlier - they make me feel very unsafe as well - they bring ideation of seriously hurting myself or suicide ("luckily" I'm still afraid of even trying). It's like I feel so off that I want to "get out" of my own body. I still manage to survive these things somehow, but if anyone has any idea about how to get rid of that when it comes back instead of just "waiting for the end", I would really appreciate any advice. I'm free from those feelings right now, which is why I even managed to post this, nevertheless I would rather be prepared, because it's just a matter of time when they occur again. Best regards, emptyman
  5. Thank you all for giving me a warm welcome I felt kind of better for 2 days or so, at least at work (then it was a nightmare again at home). Unfortunately, today I didn't manage to go to work, I just feel unable to put on my mask and pretend everything is alright. Maybe tomorrow I will manage to do so, again. Right now I'll just focus on trying to survive another day, I guess. I suppose I should not turn this thread into a kind of blog, so I'll move on to the other sections of the forums soon, but slowly, because I just feel a bit overwhelmed with so many parts of the forums to explore. Once again, thanks for all the kind words.
  6. Hello, I'm new, but I've been struggling with mental disorders for 10 years already. I am diagnosed with schizophrenia, but it's mostly the negative symptoms or maybe it's just the way I am, I don't really know. I feel like there is always the "I don't want to live" part of me somewhere in the back of my head, waiting for the moment I realise it still exists. It feels like it's the only "true" part of my personality - would it really come back so often if it was "just" depression? I'm on fairly "modern" kinds of medicines, both for the psychotic and depressive symptoms, but still there are moments like now, when I just want to leave life for good. The "good" thing is that I am very unlikely to do so - too afraid of pain and of what's next - if anything. Yeah, that selfish, suicidal part of me just doesn't care if I do any harm to others with such an action, and that makes me hate myself even more, and I do know how ridiculous it sounds. I used to enjoy a few activities, but not now. My work used to distract my attention from the whole mess in my head, but recently it just fails to do so. I constantly feel like I do not fit anywhere, like I cannot communicate, interact with anyone. Now it seems like I have no control over my thoughts or as if they didn't exist, my mind seems empty to me. If some parts of my post are confusing, it may be either due to my disorder, or because of the fact that I'm just not a native speaker, just so you know.
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