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About cayllin

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    gaming, books, music, dogs

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  1. I just need to talk. I had a really bad year, probably the worst I remember having, where I was just so damn close to ending it all. I had it all planned out. And then things started looking up a little bit again, but now they're nosediving fast. I'm so tired of fighting. 20+ years....I just can't keep fighting. I'm so tired. People don't care. They all say come to us if you need help or if you see someone that needs help, reach out. I don't know how someone can look at me and not see someone in so much pain. I'm good at hiding it, but I don't think I'm that good. Especially now. I was triggered last night. I didn't want to be touched, and hubby did it anyway. Then he pushed me down on the bed and I felt so violated. I feel like he thinks he owns my body because we're married. No amount of telling him no, or that I don't like something, stops him. "But I'm your husband" is always his reply. It doesn't even pay to talk to him about anything anymore. He never listens. It triggered me last night because an ex assaulted me. It just slammed into me... I'm just sick of everything. How do you keep fighting when the pain just doesn't go away? Why even fight? I don't want to be here. I'm still here because I put other people before me...they'll hurt because I'm gone and I don't want them to hurt, so instead, I'm hurting so they don't.
  2. cayllin


    I discovered I Prevail recently. I've heard their music for awhile now, but never really listened to anything that wasn't already on the radio. They are amazing. I think their music speaks to me in ways that no other band really does. I'm looking forward to seeing them this summer. When I listen to a lot of their music, I see myself. I see the struggle with depression. I see the struggle with figuring out where I belong in the world. I'm seeing them at a rock festival this summer, and they weren't one of the bands I was looking forward to seeing. Until now. Now, they're one of the bands I look forward to seeing the most. I would love to be able to meet them and just tell them how much their music means to me, especially right now at this moment in my life when everything seems completely hopeless. Right now, I need their music a lot. Every day feels hopeless. My mantra repeats in my head (it's not a positive mantra, and I don't know what else to call it) "Only a few more months, only a few more months." FYI: this part might be triggering. Since December I've been planning on leaving this world. August would be a good time because my husband will be out of town for a few days, and it gives me time to get everything in order. I don't want to live anymore. I am not really living. I'm wading through the murk of existence. All that is keeping me going right now are books and music. Honestly, I never imagined I would live to be 33. I've tried, and failed, a couple of times to just end. But dying is another thing I just really suck at. It's not something I'm afraid of. I want this. Anyway, right now music has a lot of meaning for me. It helps me get my frustrations out. It helps me relate and connect. I'm having a really hard time coping with life, and music is helping. I feel like those amazing artists are speaking right to me, telling me I'm not alone.
  3. I wish I could go back in time. I'm sure everyone does. I know it wouldn't change my depression. But maybe it would change where I am now. I like where I live, but I feel trapped. If I could go back in time, I'd go back to college and major in something else. I'd change where I went to college. Even though the college I went to sent me to Alaska twice (which, by the way, is my favorite place in the world), and I probably never would have gone had I not gotten an internship, which led me to a job in Alaska for six months, I feel like going where I went was a mistake. I loved the area. I went to a college in Northern Michigan. It's a beautiful area. I used to love being outside, and this was a great place to go. But if I went to a different college, it's unlikely I would have ended up on the same path that led me to where I am now. Now, I'm tied down because I'm married and I can't choose where I want to go. I would probably move to Alaska if it was my choice. Or somewhere else out west. If I could go back in time, I would have never tried a long distance relationship. He was my first boyfriend. I thought I loved him, and to be honest, he was probably the only one I ever loved. But I found out really quick that he wasn't what he seemed. He raped me. At least I was at a point in my life where I didn't have so much fear. I broke up with him, but I never reported what he did or told anyone. I lived with that for six years before I tried again. My second relationship, I think I was just so desperate for connection and I was so lonely that I chose the wrong person. He was nice, but he was even more damaged than me and a serial cheater. He cheated on me. I was stupid and gave him another chance. I ended up breaking it off six months later. Now, my third relationship and husband...I really wish I could go back in time and change this. I did love him at first. But now, I know it was once again desperation for connection, fear of loneliness. Now, I feel trapped. My first two relationships led me down this path, and I wish I could change that. I will start off by saying HE IS A GOOD PERSON. He is. He would never cheat on me (even though I really, really wish he would, because then I could find the courage to leave him.) He makes me so unhappy and I feel so selfish to have someone who has put me on a pedestal. He loves me so much and I don't know why. I'm not special. I'm cold and distant. I married him because I didn't want to be alone. Unfortunately, I feel even more alone that I ever have before. After we got married, I started to feel even more suffocated, trapped, weighed down by everything. I don't communicate well. I don't do well with conflict. So I stay. He taught me how to be more financially responsible. And being married to him, to me, is financially responsible. He has good healthcare, which I benefit from. We share rent/utility payments. Other than that, we don't share money. He has a good family and I like them. But he can also be mean. He gets mad at me for the smallest things. Once, I suggested he take salad to work (we had a giant tub from Costco) and he yelled at me and wouldn't talk to me the rest of the night. When I got my tattoo a week ago (he knew I was getting one), he came home from work, wouldn't even look at me or talk to me the rest of the night. The next day, I felt like he was still angry with me because he came home from work and spent the night in the garage. He doesn't help my anxiety. He touches me constantly (I really don't like being touched unless I give permission for it, and he knows this!). He pinches me and slaps my ass (I have told him so,so,so many times that I don't like these things and they make me uncomfortable. His response, "But you're my wife."). He is like a tornado and leaves a mess everywhere, and when I ask him to pick it up, "Why do you constantly nag me?" Every thing I say or do, I'm always nagging him. Always nagging. Nag, nag, nag. So, now, I don't bother talking. He has had clean laundry in a laundry basket in the hallway (spilling over the basket) for three weeks. His dirty clothes are piled by his side of the bed. His shit is everywhere and I'm so overwhelmed and stressed out about the mess. But god forbid I ask him to pick it up. Since marrying him, I've questioned my sexuality. I always knew I was attracted to men and women, that's not the issue for me, even though I'm not out to anyone. I never felt the need to tell people, and I never really shied away from announcing my attraction to certain men and women. I've fairly recently (over the last year or so), discovered asexuality, and that was like a light bulb going off in my head. I don't like sex. I've disliked it since I lost my virginity. I always thought it was part of relationships and just dealt with that, even though it made me feel disgusting. Now i"m married and I have no idea how to tell him I'm asexual. How do you tell your husband you don't like sex? Ugh. I just wish he would leave me, cheat on me, something! We have sex once every two weeks or so. I'm not even sure he knows I don't enjoy sex. I just really wish I wasn't married. I wish I could go back and fix that. Then I wouldn't feel so trapped. I know I'm a terrible person for not talking to him about these things, but I feel like I can't talk to him about anything. He gets mad over the smallest things. He won't hit me, but it's not the physical that hurts. It's the looks he gives me, the anger in his voice...I feel so trapped. I don't know if I can leave him. I don't know how. I think about money and being alone, and that even though I feel so completely alone and lonely in my relationship, at least I have some human interaction, because otherwise I'd have very little (just what I get at work). At least being married, I'm financially stable and have good health insurance. Car/renters is cheaper. On my own, I'm not sure I can cut it. At least staying married to him, I won't have to worry about not having enough money to retire (although I don't even want to get to live that long). I'm such a selfish and terrible person. I feel sick about myself.
  4. Hello and welcome. You're not alone. I completely understand where you're going through. I've had depression for most of my life and some days have been better than others, also going through a really hard time for a year now.
  5. Hello and welcome. Meds didn't really work for me, nor did therapy.
  6. I'm not a parent and I can't honestly speak from a parent's perspective, but I can speak from a child's perspective. I told my mom, when I was 15ish, that I was depressed and I didn't want to live anymore. I told her I hated my life, I hated myself, that I didn't see a future. My parent's hospitalized me for a week with random people. It was almost traumatizing to me. I have very bad social anxiety and meeting new people is terrifying for me. Just having small talk with people is really difficult and I avoid things that most people wouldn't, like haircuts and massages, just so I don't have to talk to people. After, they sent me to a psychiatrist, a family friend of theirs and the wife of their minister (I'm Atheist, btw), so that wasn't helpful. I didn't feel like I could really talk about things with her about anything. I know my parents meant well. They were scared. But I wish they wouldn't have pushed me into those situations, and instead I wish they would have talked to me openly like you did with your daughter. I just want to say your daughter is so lucky to have you in her corner. She was really brave to talk to you about those things, and you're amazing to be able to listen to her and talk to her. I don't really know what to do, but just continue being there for her. Continue listening to her. Don't force her into something she would be uncomfortable with.
  7. Yes. I've tried opening up to people and learned that it only makes things worse. I have zero trust in people. I have no one to turn to. I've been abandoned by people I opened up to and it's devastating. Family and friends don't understand, and over time I've distanced myself from everyone. Especially now when things are so dark. The people closest to you are supposed to see these things right? They don't. No one really wants to know how you're doing. I have been miserable, one of my worse depressive states in years, for nearly a year now, and it's harder and harder to hide. I'm honestly not sure how people can't see it. Or I'm just that good at hiding it. It's just easier to let everyone live oblivious to what I'm feeling. Like I said, abandonment is devastating.
  8. I'm feeling like I'm falling apart more and more every day and I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this. I keep having this mantra in my head "only a few more months, only a few more months" but that mantra isn't a positive thing...I'm just so tired of pretending everything's ok. I feel so weighed down.
  9. You're definitely not alone . I think some of us are just cursed with this ugly disease. I think my depression reared it's ugly head in middle school as well, and I'm 33 now and it has never gone away. I was never a social kid, didn't like being touched, and I was very sensitive to other people's opinions about me. I'm very much socially awkward and I have anxiety when it comes to certain situations that "normal" people wouldn't be anxious about (like small talk when getting a haircut...I avoided haircuts for 6 years :/) No amount of therapy or meds could make things better. I'm not sure therapy/meds are for everyone. I only found therapy to help me once in my life, and that was during college and it was a very dark time for me. I think you should try to find a different doctor or councilor. My college offered it for free since I was a student. It' can't hurt to try. Some doctors have different methods and approaches and maybe something will help. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Something I've found a little helpful is writing. No one has to see it, but if you have things to say, write it down. I've also tried finding things to occupy my mind so instead of thinking ugly thoughts, it's busy with other things. I read a lot. I've read over 100 books since January 1st (143 actually, plus a few others I read before I started my tracking). I also play a lot of WoW. Those little things help. I really wish I was good with advice and knew what to say, because you're so much like me in this. It's so hard to talk to people when people doubt you. My friends have doubted me and accused me of using depression as an excuse. My boyfriends have looked me like my depression was a temporary thing and I don't think they even tried to understand. My parents, I love them, but they never understood either. My sister might understand, but I'm terrified of talking to her about it. But she's the ONE person in the world that might be willing to listen and let me cry on her shoulder. Maybe there is someone like that for you? I can't say run off and tell them, because I haven't gotten to guts to talk to my sister, but if there is one person you think that might be willing to listen, maybe you will eventually find the courage to talk to them (like I'm trying to find the courage to do as well). So this is a lot, and I have a bad habit of writing too much, all the time. I want to say more, but it's overwhelming enough. If you ever want to talk, you can message me. I think people can do that here...I'm new as well. I just want to give you a big virutal hug.
  10. Thank you for the welcomes. It does feel good that there are people who understand and are willing to listen. And hi, Melissa, I'm sorry you went through those things too. This is my second tattoo. My first is a dragonfly I got to signify growth and new beginnings when I was 18. I got it with the intention that when I looked at it, it would be a symbol to myself that I could step out of my comfort zones and maybe make friends and maybe figure out what I want to do with my life and maybe find happiness and control my depression. I'm not so sure it worked haha, but I do love dragonflies so there's that too ๐Ÿ™‚ When I met my husband, he said he hated tattoos but he could deal with the dragonfly because it was on my leg and not something he'd see all the time. This one I got on my forearm and it's very colorful. I'll post a picture. I want another one on my other forearm that's music related. The one I got last week is a book tattoo. Books are my escape. They keep my mind occupied and, maybe it's cliche, but transport me to different worlds. I wish I could be the characters in some of the books I read, or at least have a life like they do, find that kind of magical love they do. It's all fantasy, but I like being in that fantasy. I am a voracious reader ๐Ÿ™‚ Anyway, I love tattoos and I find them a good form of expression. They don't hurt so much and I actually like the small amount of pain they cause because something beautiful comes out of it. https://www.depressionforums.org/forums/gallery/image/9587-my-new-tattoo/
  11. Hi, TLDR...Hi, my name is Amanda, and I have depression. It's really bad and I've had it for just about my whole life and the darkness just won't go away, no matter how much help/meds/hospitalizations I've had/tried. (3/3/1 btw). I signed up awhile ago, but haven't really gotten the nerve to write. I've had depression as long as I can remember...at least since middle school. I'm 33 now, so a long time. I've been in a very, very dark place this past year. Thinking of dying is the most comforting thought I have. I'm so miserable and unhappy and I honestly don't think I ever remember a time in my life where I was happy. I don't trust anyone in my life. It isn't that I have a bad family. I don't think they understand. I don't really have friends, because I'm shy and awkward and anxious. There were times I trusted, and I got hurt. In highschool I tried to commit suicide and some friends found out and accused me of trying to get out of classes. In college, my best friend, the person I trusted with everything..he knew I had depression and he supported me. Until one day he didn't. I still have no clue what happened. One day he was there, the next he walked out of my life. I tried to get answers but he never responded. I was devastated. That same year, another friend of mine (a psychology student) accused me of trying to get attention by using depression as an excuse. How disturbing is that, that a psych student doesn't believe you? A year later, my boyfriend raped me. It took me six years to get past that, and then the new boyfriend cheated on me. I learned that trusting just gets you hurt. I'm married now, but I can't even talk to him about anything. I've tried, but he pushes it aside like it's nothing. I should have stayed single. I hate my life. I hate my marriage. I hate everything about me. I don't know who I am, I'm different around different people. I've learned to be what people want me to be, and it's been that way since I was a child. I have no passion, no talents, no dreams...I can't see a future. I honestly don't want a future. I've tried getting help...but that has never gone over well. Half the time I feel like I shouldn't be so miserable and depressed. Other people have been dealt hands a lot worse than me. I wasn't bullied. I remember times where certain people in my extended family said things to me about my appearance or my personality, but I'm not sure I ever really took those to heart. I'm not close to them anyway. I recently got a tattoo, the ONLY thing I've been excited about in the past year,and my husband wouldn't even look at me, like I disgusted him. I was so upset about this that I told my sister about it and now I'm pretty sure I have created a rift between her and my husband. Is it pathetic and sad that I want my husband to cheat on me? I want him to leave me, because I don't have the strength to leave him. I don't love him. Not anymore. He has beaten me down, not physically, but emotionally and I'm exhausted. But i don't want to hurt him by leaving him. Am I pathetic or what? We don't have sex, which I'm really ok with, but I know it bothers him. I've been struggling with my identity and sex is a big issue with me, meaning I don't want it, I hate it, and I feel disgusting when I have it. Those nights are among the worst for me. I get this feeling of hopelessness and I feel like I'm just a tool to use. I've recently identified myself as asexual, since I've never enjoyed sex and I have no desires for it. I know this has been hard for me to deal with, being that I'm married and he expects sex. Nights just in general are the worst. i don't sleep well anymore and my husband thinks it's because we don't have sex. Nights are when I don't have anything to keep my mind occupied and it drifts off into the territory of...I wonder how much this would hurt or how fast this would work to end my miserable existence, among other ugly thoughts. I've written a lot, doing my best to condense it so it isn't too terribly long, and my journal is pages and pages and pages of things that I've written about (sadly, most of it is one big suicide note) and I don't want to subject people to that. I know this is an introductory thing. I'm sorry if it's too dark or long. Sometimes I start writing and I struggle to stop writing.
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