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About cayllin

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  1. cayllin


    Most of my session today was about identity. I'm struggling to find where I fit in under the ace-spectrum. As part of my therapy, she is helping me find my term(s), although labels aren't necessarily important, I would like to find mine. I know I'm ace. I figured that out a few years ago, when I really started to question why I didn't like sex, why I never wanted sex, why it grossed me out. I found the term "asexual." It's tough being married and learning you're ace. It's also hard to find my identity when I'm married and can't exactly go out and explore. I know I'm bi, but I've never been with a woman. My therapist asked if maybe gender mattered in terms to sex. I don't know. I don't think it matters. I'm attracted to people, not sex. Honestly, the parts are attractive, but what we do with them are not. That's how I feel right now. I know that in the beginning of relationships, I was attracted to the person and wanted the romantic attraction. I had sex, though it wasn't a necessity for me. Over time, in my relationships, that feeling fades. So I thought maybe I was fraysexual. Today, we decided to add frayromantic, and I think that fits more. Right now, I like to say I'm gray-ace, because it's an umbrella term. There are so many terms, it's overwhelming. Every time I start looking at them all, it gets frustrating. My therapist is helping me work through the list, crossing terms off that don't fit, and finding terms that we can explore more. I also have to start finding something I like about myself every other day. This is hard, because I've hated myself my entire life. And before every session, she asks me what my feeling word is, meaning how am I feeling today. That's hard too. I've always been that person that says "I'm fine" or I"m ok." I've never said to someone how I really feel. Do people really want to hear you say "Actually, thanks for asking. I'm having a bad day. I feel like shit. I hate myself. I want to die." No. Not really. So it's difficult for me to find words to describe how I'm feeling and actually voice them. Sitting here, I think, "I'm good today." But am I? I don't feel super negative about myself. I don't feel super depressed. I'm tired. I have a bit of a headache, but overall I'm not down and sad. But am I good? Who knew feeling words would be so hard? And, finally, I was assertive. This is something my therapist wants me to work on. I generally back down from people, trying to avoid arguments or any kind of confrontation. I let my husband get away with leaving his shit everywhere and not helping me do dishes, etc, because he gets crabby with me and says I nag him too much (which isn't true, when I ask, maybe once a week, for him to do dishes). Well, last week he was working from home and I got home from work and he told me I would have to leave because he had a meeting. By leave, he meant I would have to go into the bedroom. When he works form home, he works in the living room. We live in an apartment, so it's open concept. We have a spare room (which has his desk, his PC, and basically a lot of shit...we call it his room, because my computer is in the dining room, which is open to the living room.) and our bedroom. I told him he needed to take his phone call into the spare room because he has a desk in there and I have no where to go. I'm not sitting on our bed for an hour, waiting for him to get done with the meeting, when he could take his meeting at his desk, in front of his PC. He wasn't happy, but he did it. I was proud of myself for putting my foot down and being assertive, even if it pissed him off. Oh, I forgot. My homework was to tell my husband that I have depression, that I am seeing a therapist, and that I'm on medication. I did these things and he was supportive. He asked me a few questions, but he didn't judge me and he told me that I could talk to him about these things. I also told him I have social anxiety, though it's possible I might get tested for asperger's (due to some of my social hang-ups and issues with touch, and being ace, and this chameleon affect autistic women have sometimes...a friend suggested this because she has asperger's and she sees similarities between us. I think I have social anxiety, but it doesn't hurt to get tested), because social situations, meeting new people or even spending time with groups of family, freaks me out. We are going to his dad's this weekend to help him move, and some of our MIL's family will be there. He asked me if I would be ok. He has never done that before. So, it shows that he actually listened. Maybe he will finally start listening to me more. I'm hoping.
  2. My therapist encouraged me to journal. I literally just finished my session, and I want to unpack it a little. She asked me about how I do with conflict, we talked about fear, about having opinions and it's ok for people to disagree with me. She encouraged me to journal for me, not for others. I don't feel like I journal for others. This is a convenient place for me to do so, so this is where I write. My homework is to talk to my mom about depression and, possibly, my sexuality. I am afraid for her reaction. But she encouraged me to have my sister there as support. It's scary. I don't think my mom will have an issue with my depression. It's possible she might question it, she might be disappointed that I want to end my marriage. She will probably tell me that couples fight and marriage is hard but you have to communicate and work it out. I don't know if I want to work it out with him. He makes me feel trapped. I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells around him. I feel like such a simple name he calls me ("nag), elicits so much hurt and saddness in me. I don't know why he calls me that, when I only ask once. When I worry about his safety, ie: he got drunk and almost fell into the fire when we were camping, so I told him to be careful and he told me not to start nagging him. I wasn't. It hadn't even crossed my mind to nag him about safety or drinking. I literally just asked him to be careful around the fire. But he hurt me with that simple statement. These things happen all the time. Another one of my pieces of homework is to state my opinion. We talked about my husbands need for a cruise every year, and how my vacation ideas are always shot down. Another simple thing. My husband likes cruises. I like them too, but not as much as he does. I want to try doing something else. I would like to go somewhere that isn't the Caribbean for a change. Every year, we go on a cruise. Every year, we go to the Caribbean. I would like to see new places. My husband always tells me that every island we go to is a new place. To me, they are all the same. They are a tropical island. I'd like to do something that isn't hot, sandy, humid, and on the ocean. And, most likely, my cruise in October will be canceled and it's a good opportunity for me to suggest something else. My therapist wants me to bring this up. Since it's a source of conflict that I shy away from, she thinks it will be something that, essentially, the worst that can happen is my husband says no. We talked a little about this past weekend, where I went camping with my husband, my sister, and my sister's boyfriend. We talked about my husband's drinking. He was the only person drunk. He drank 1/2 of a 1.75L bottle of vodka, as well as several beers. In one day, he had most of a 12 pack of beer, and 1/2 of a 1.75L bottle of vodka. One. Day. Seems like a lot to me. And the rest of us were totally sober. We talked about how he made me uncomfortable around my sister's boyfriend. I just met him and he was telling me how much he liked her, and he wanted things to work with her. And my husband basically said my sister was a bitch. I didn't know what to say, he was drunk, and he was out of line. I told him that I wasn't going to say anything bad about her because she's like my best friend, and I love her. My husband basically rolled his eyes and gave me the "you know I'm right" look. It was awkward and embarrassing. So, my homework is to talk to my mom, and to talk to my husband about a different type of vacation, since our cruise is likely going to be canceled. Seems easy, right?
  3. The past few weeks have been good for therapy. My therapist is trying to help me learn to be more assertive and to not take husband's moods personally. She says husband's moods are his, and he's responsible for them, not me. He has not been good about respecting my boundaries (slapping my butt, pinching my nipples), and as many times as I've said no, stop it, I don't like it, he hasn't stopped and he laughs it off. So my "homework" is to reinforce those boundaries and try to be more assertive with saying no, and saying it with a straight face. So far, he hasn't been too happy about it. One day he said, "You used to be fun." Since when is not respecting my boundaries and not respecting me when I say "No" and when I say "Stop it" and when I say "I don't like that" fun? Am I only fun because he likes to do those things? My sister mentioned to me when we went camping with her and her boyfriend, that Bryant slapped my butt and I had gone to block it (because I really hate it) and it caused my wrist to twist at a weird angle. It ****ing hurt. Instead of apologizing, he laughed and said that I shouldn't have put my hand there. There's a reason I put my hand there. I DO NOT LIKE BEING SLAPPED. I don't know how many more times I have to tell him I HATE it. I have NEVER liked it. I will NEVER like it. Also, with assertiveness, I have to try to not let him off the hook with things like cleaning. I don't remember the last time he cleaned anything. He is a messy person, leaves piles of junk everywhere, and is a packrat. It causes me anxiety, which I've voiced before. The whole "Stop being a nag" thing comes out of his mouth when I ask him to help me clean, or do anything really. Even if I just ask once. So, my "homework" is to be assertive and not let him off the hook. My therapist thinks he's figured out that if he calls me a nag, and I let it drop, he knows it works and he gets out of helping. Which makes sense. I also need to tell him I have depression, that I'm seeing a therapist, and that I'm on medication. So, that will be fun. I gave myself that homework. I've been seeing my therapist for a month now, had depression for most of my life, and I've been on meds for a month now. He is my husband, so I should tell him. I have a hard time communicating with him about anything because his reactions aren't always what I would expect. A lot of the time, he gets defensive. It could be about anything, or nothing at all, he'll get defensive. I don't know how he can make my depression about him, but if anyone can do it, I'm sure he can. I still want a divorce. Part of the reason I wanted to see a therapist was because of this. Most of it was because my depression was getting to a point where I was planning suicide. I was constantly hating myself, hating my life, wanting to die. I still don't see a future. It's hard to see anything past tomorrow. But I'm taking it one step at a time. I started on Lexapro. We'll see how that goes. So far, I haven't noticed any side effects, and my mind is less "You suck," "I hate myself," "I wonder if I drive 100mph and crash into that guardrail if it'll be enough to die" type of thoughts. The other reason I went to see her was because I need help learning how to talk to my husband, because I want a divorce. There's a chance it could work out, but I'm really unhappy in my marriage. And I don't know how to approach it. I'm someone who DOES NOT do well with conflict. I don't trust him enough to talk to him about anything personal/important. I feel like he doesn't respect me (ie. boundaries). When I came out as ace, he told me there was something wrong with me. He calls me a nag all the time, and it sounds like something stupid to get upset over, but it hurts. I don't nag. I ask once, and then I give up and just do it myself. I guess I SHOULD start nagging about some stuff. He gets mad at me over little things (ie. I got a tattoo, one he knew I was going to get, and he wouldn't talk to me the rest of the day after I got it, because he doesn't like tattoos. Or, one time, I asked him if he could take some salad to work because I didn't think we could eat it before it went bad, and he got mad at me and didn't talk to me the rest of the night. Or, when I asked him to take a cooler to the garage, since he was going there anyway, and he flipped out and told me not to start nagging him.) I never miss him. EVER. If he's gone a week (which he has been), I wish he would be gone a week more. He feels suffocating. So, that's where I'm at. I think, right now, my therapist is just trying to help build up my confidence a little more, and help me learn new ways to say things so they're taken more seriously instead of being brushed off.
  4. I finally found the courage to reach out for help. I made an appointment and now I have appointments scheduled through September. She suggested journaling. It's something I've tried before, but never kept up with. Maybe I will try again, through here. I don't know. She diagnosed me with severe depressive disorder with anxiety. I already knew that though. I don't think I was ever officially diagnosed. I've had depression since as long as I can remember...at least since 7th grade. I'm almost 35. I've always done it on my own, and I just can't anymore. I'm falling apart more and more. So, we will see what medication they will put me on. I am ready to try anything because I can't live like this anymore. I almost bought a gun. There is so much pain. I'm so exhausted. I'm so ready to just be done. I'm struggling. Anxiety. Depression. Stress. More anxiety. I want to, and need to, get divorced, but fear is in my way. I'm hoping she can help me through that. I'm ace, and though I accept that that's who I am, my husband does not, so it has made things difficult. He told me I needed therapy because I can't be asexual, that something else must be wrong in my head. It's really hard to hear that my sexuality isn't valid. To him, it's ok that I'm bi, but asexual is not ok. I know he's upset, but instead of talking about it, he's insulted me. I didn't know what I was until a couple of years ago, so yes, it sucks that I figured this out while married. I am still trying to figure it out. The fact is, he knew certain things about me when we got together. He wanted to marry me. Did he think he could change me? Was he that desperate, that lonely, that he thought I would be enough? I don't know. But it's ******* me. And I don't know how he can be happy either. There are other issues in my marriage besides my sexuality. He doesn't respect me. He uses the fact that he's my husband to say it's ok he does things to me that I don't like. I say no. I tell him I don't like it. But he still does it. Still tells me he's my husband and it's ok. Still tells me that "love hurts." Still tells me that he thinks I actually like it. Bullshit. He doesn't help me with anything. If I ask him to do something, just once, he calls me a nag. He snaps at me and says to stop nagging him. I don't like confrontation. I only ask once and if he ignores it or says no, or whatever, I just do it. I don't have the energy to fight. I don't like fighting. He drains me. He sucks the life out of me, whatever life I have left in me. I don't feel like I can talk to him about anything, because he thinks it's all about him. I didn't tell him I was getting therapy. If I did, somehow, he would think I'm blaming him. He's part of it, but he's not all of it. I have issues that go very deep, and he's just a part of it. I can't confide in my own husband...that doesn't seem right. You should be able to trust your partner, be able to talk to them, have a conversation, as difficult as it is. He always shuts down. Gets mad. Won't talk to me. He likes to say he can read people because he has a degree in psychology. Well, he's a shitty psychologist. Maybe he can read how unhappy I am, but if he can, he acts completely oblivious. I finally opened up to my sister. She didn't judge me at all. I told her about my diagnosis. I told her about my asexuality. She hugged me and said she loved me and she's completely supportive. I don't know how I'll tell my parents. But at least I have one person in my corner. I'm tired of crying. I don't sleep. My mind is always working. I'm always running through pros and cons of divorce. I've been told by a few people now, that we are not right for each other. That I can do it on my own. My sister reminded me that I did it on my own before him, I can do it again. I know all this, but it's hard. It's scary. It's what I've known for the last 7 years (we've been married 4 of those). But I'm so unhappy. Is it better to be lonely in a marriage or out of one? I don't know. I know I feel trapped, backed into a corner. Here's my list, so far. Pro for divorce: I feel like maybe I would be able to breathe again, not worrying about if I say or do something that will trigger him to get mad at me. He is not physically abusive. He gets mad and ignores me. I have never been called a nag so much in my life. That is not who I am. Obviously, my sister, my therapist, you...you are all getting my side, one side of the story. But I am so non-confrontational. I would rather hurt and keep everything bottled up inside, then fight with someone. I don't ask twice. I never have. Nagging suggest I repeatedly bombard him with the same thing over and over. I have never heard him apologize to me for anything. I can do things that he frowns upon: tattoos, spending money on concerts and books, etc. I never miss him. Ever. I have never once missed him when we were apart. I'm not sure what that exactly means. I love him, in my own way, but I don't think it's the type of love it should be. I think maybe we would be better as friends. Now, I feel like we are roommates who share the same bed. When I go home at night, after work, I feel anxiety. I should be able to go home and feel relaxed. I get stressed out. Would I be happy? Or happier? Maybe happy is too strong. Content? Cons for divorce: As shitty as it sounds, his health insurance is amazing. As shitty as it sounds, when we retire, we'll be comfortable. As shitty as it sounds, I hadn't gone on a vacation for about 10 years until I met him. Now I go on one every year. It's nice to share expenses. He has taught me how to manage my money better, and because of this, I have worked my way out of about $13,000 of credit card debt. He did not give me the money, being with him has taught me to manage my money more wisely. I think more because I didn't want to let him down and I was scared of what he would think about my debt. He does love me, I know. He would drop anything if I needed help. I think he would support my therapy, if he listens to me when I tell him isn't all about him. Like my last point above, would I be happy if I stayed in my marriage? As I work on this list...it's becoming clear to me. I should not stay in this marriage. Money is nice to have. I know I will struggle on my own. I have student loans. I have debt. I am much better with money than I used to be. But it's still scary. I'm scared. I have a tendency to ramble and I don't think I can write more. My heard hurts. I think this might be a good outlet for me. I think I should try. I made the first step to get help. I want to get better. I can't live like this anymore. I will die if I keep up like this. I have tried before. I planned it last year. I nearly bought a gun a month ago. I can't keep going on like this.
  5. I just need to talk. I had a really bad year, probably the worst I remember having, where I was just so damn close to ending it all. I had it all planned out. And then things started looking up a little bit again, but now they're nosediving fast. I'm so tired of fighting. 20+ years....I just can't keep fighting. I'm so tired. People don't care. They all say come to us if you need help or if you see someone that needs help, reach out. I don't know how someone can look at me and not see someone in so much pain. I'm good at hiding it, but I don't think I'm that good. Especially now. I was triggered last night. I didn't want to be touched, and hubby did it anyway. Then he pushed me down on the bed and I felt so violated. I feel like he thinks he owns my body because we're married. No amount of telling him no, or that I don't like something, stops him. "But I'm your husband" is always his reply. It doesn't even pay to talk to him about anything anymore. He never listens. It triggered me last night because an ex assaulted me. It just slammed into me... I'm just sick of everything. How do you keep fighting when the pain just doesn't go away? Why even fight? I don't want to be here. I'm still here because I put other people before me...they'll hurt because I'm gone and I don't want them to hurt, so instead, I'm hurting so they don't.
  6. cayllin


    I discovered I Prevail recently. I've heard their music for awhile now, but never really listened to anything that wasn't already on the radio. They are amazing. I think their music speaks to me in ways that no other band really does. I'm looking forward to seeing them this summer. When I listen to a lot of their music, I see myself. I see the struggle with depression. I see the struggle with figuring out where I belong in the world. I'm seeing them at a rock festival this summer, and they weren't one of the bands I was looking forward to seeing. Until now. Now, they're one of the bands I look forward to seeing the most. I would love to be able to meet them and just tell them how much their music means to me, especially right now at this moment in my life when everything seems completely hopeless. Right now, I need their music a lot. Every day feels hopeless. My mantra repeats in my head (it's not a positive mantra, and I don't know what else to call it) "Only a few more months, only a few more months." FYI: this part might be triggering. Since December I've been planning on leaving this world. August would be a good time because my husband will be out of town for a few days, and it gives me time to get everything in order. I don't want to live anymore. I am not really living. I'm wading through the murk of existence. All that is keeping me going right now are books and music. Honestly, I never imagined I would live to be 33. I've tried, and failed, a couple of times to just end. But dying is another thing I just really suck at. It's not something I'm afraid of. I want this. Anyway, right now music has a lot of meaning for me. It helps me get my frustrations out. It helps me relate and connect. I'm having a really hard time coping with life, and music is helping. I feel like those amazing artists are speaking right to me, telling me I'm not alone.
  7. I wish I could go back in time. I'm sure everyone does. I know it wouldn't change my depression. But maybe it would change where I am now. I like where I live, but I feel trapped. If I could go back in time, I'd go back to college and major in something else. I'd change where I went to college. Even though the college I went to sent me to Alaska twice (which, by the way, is my favorite place in the world), and I probably never would have gone had I not gotten an internship, which led me to a job in Alaska for six months, I feel like going where I went was a mistake. I loved the area. I went to a college in Northern Michigan. It's a beautiful area. I used to love being outside, and this was a great place to go. But if I went to a different college, it's unlikely I would have ended up on the same path that led me to where I am now. Now, I'm tied down because I'm married and I can't choose where I want to go. I would probably move to Alaska if it was my choice. Or somewhere else out west. If I could go back in time, I would have never tried a long distance relationship. He was my first boyfriend. I thought I loved him, and to be honest, he was probably the only one I ever loved. But I found out really quick that he wasn't what he seemed. He raped me. At least I was at a point in my life where I didn't have so much fear. I broke up with him, but I never reported what he did or told anyone. I lived with that for six years before I tried again. My second relationship, I think I was just so desperate for connection and I was so lonely that I chose the wrong person. He was nice, but he was even more damaged than me and a serial cheater. He cheated on me. I was stupid and gave him another chance. I ended up breaking it off six months later. Now, my third relationship and husband...I really wish I could go back in time and change this. I did love him at first. But now, I know it was once again desperation for connection, fear of loneliness. Now, I feel trapped. My first two relationships led me down this path, and I wish I could change that. I will start off by saying HE IS A GOOD PERSON. He is. He would never cheat on me (even though I really, really wish he would, because then I could find the courage to leave him.) He makes me so unhappy and I feel so selfish to have someone who has put me on a pedestal. He loves me so much and I don't know why. I'm not special. I'm cold and distant. I married him because I didn't want to be alone. Unfortunately, I feel even more alone that I ever have before. After we got married, I started to feel even more suffocated, trapped, weighed down by everything. I don't communicate well. I don't do well with conflict. So I stay. He taught me how to be more financially responsible. And being married to him, to me, is financially responsible. He has good healthcare, which I benefit from. We share rent/utility payments. Other than that, we don't share money. He has a good family and I like them. But he can also be mean. He gets mad at me for the smallest things. Once, I suggested he take salad to work (we had a giant tub from Costco) and he yelled at me and wouldn't talk to me the rest of the night. When I got my tattoo a week ago (he knew I was getting one), he came home from work, wouldn't even look at me or talk to me the rest of the night. The next day, I felt like he was still angry with me because he came home from work and spent the night in the garage. He doesn't help my anxiety. He touches me constantly (I really don't like being touched unless I give permission for it, and he knows this!). He pinches me and slaps my ass (I have told him so,so,so many times that I don't like these things and they make me uncomfortable. His response, "But you're my wife."). He is like a tornado and leaves a mess everywhere, and when I ask him to pick it up, "Why do you constantly nag me?" Every thing I say or do, I'm always nagging him. Always nagging. Nag, nag, nag. So, now, I don't bother talking. He has had clean laundry in a laundry basket in the hallway (spilling over the basket) for three weeks. His dirty clothes are piled by his side of the bed. His shit is everywhere and I'm so overwhelmed and stressed out about the mess. But god forbid I ask him to pick it up. Since marrying him, I've questioned my sexuality. I always knew I was attracted to men and women, that's not the issue for me, even though I'm not out to anyone. I never felt the need to tell people, and I never really shied away from announcing my attraction to certain men and women. I've fairly recently (over the last year or so), discovered asexuality, and that was like a light bulb going off in my head. I don't like sex. I've disliked it since I lost my virginity. I always thought it was part of relationships and just dealt with that, even though it made me feel disgusting. Now i"m married and I have no idea how to tell him I'm asexual. How do you tell your husband you don't like sex? Ugh. I just wish he would leave me, cheat on me, something! We have sex once every two weeks or so. I'm not even sure he knows I don't enjoy sex. I just really wish I wasn't married. I wish I could go back and fix that. Then I wouldn't feel so trapped. I know I'm a terrible person for not talking to him about these things, but I feel like I can't talk to him about anything. He gets mad over the smallest things. He won't hit me, but it's not the physical that hurts. It's the looks he gives me, the anger in his voice...I feel so trapped. I don't know if I can leave him. I don't know how. I think about money and being alone, and that even though I feel so completely alone and lonely in my relationship, at least I have some human interaction, because otherwise I'd have very little (just what I get at work). At least being married, I'm financially stable and have good health insurance. Car/renters is cheaper. On my own, I'm not sure I can cut it. At least staying married to him, I won't have to worry about not having enough money to retire (although I don't even want to get to live that long). I'm such a selfish and terrible person. I feel sick about myself.
  8. Hello and welcome. You're not alone. I completely understand where you're going through. I've had depression for most of my life and some days have been better than others, also going through a really hard time for a year now.
  9. Hello and welcome. Meds didn't really work for me, nor did therapy.
  10. I'm not a parent and I can't honestly speak from a parent's perspective, but I can speak from a child's perspective. I told my mom, when I was 15ish, that I was depressed and I didn't want to live anymore. I told her I hated my life, I hated myself, that I didn't see a future. My parent's hospitalized me for a week with random people. It was almost traumatizing to me. I have very bad social anxiety and meeting new people is terrifying for me. Just having small talk with people is really difficult and I avoid things that most people wouldn't, like haircuts and massages, just so I don't have to talk to people. After, they sent me to a psychiatrist, a family friend of theirs and the wife of their minister (I'm Atheist, btw), so that wasn't helpful. I didn't feel like I could really talk about things with her about anything. I know my parents meant well. They were scared. But I wish they wouldn't have pushed me into those situations, and instead I wish they would have talked to me openly like you did with your daughter. I just want to say your daughter is so lucky to have you in her corner. She was really brave to talk to you about those things, and you're amazing to be able to listen to her and talk to her. I don't really know what to do, but just continue being there for her. Continue listening to her. Don't force her into something she would be uncomfortable with.
  11. Yes. I've tried opening up to people and learned that it only makes things worse. I have zero trust in people. I have no one to turn to. I've been abandoned by people I opened up to and it's devastating. Family and friends don't understand, and over time I've distanced myself from everyone. Especially now when things are so dark. The people closest to you are supposed to see these things right? They don't. No one really wants to know how you're doing. I have been miserable, one of my worse depressive states in years, for nearly a year now, and it's harder and harder to hide. I'm honestly not sure how people can't see it. Or I'm just that good at hiding it. It's just easier to let everyone live oblivious to what I'm feeling. Like I said, abandonment is devastating.
  12. I'm feeling like I'm falling apart more and more every day and I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this. I keep having this mantra in my head "only a few more months, only a few more months" but that mantra isn't a positive thing...I'm just so tired of pretending everything's ok. I feel so weighed down.
  13. You're definitely not alone . I think some of us are just cursed with this ugly disease. I think my depression reared it's ugly head in middle school as well, and I'm 33 now and it has never gone away. I was never a social kid, didn't like being touched, and I was very sensitive to other people's opinions about me. I'm very much socially awkward and I have anxiety when it comes to certain situations that "normal" people wouldn't be anxious about (like small talk when getting a haircut...I avoided haircuts for 6 years :/) No amount of therapy or meds could make things better. I'm not sure therapy/meds are for everyone. I only found therapy to help me once in my life, and that was during college and it was a very dark time for me. I think you should try to find a different doctor or councilor. My college offered it for free since I was a student. It' can't hurt to try. Some doctors have different methods and approaches and maybe something will help. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Something I've found a little helpful is writing. No one has to see it, but if you have things to say, write it down. I've also tried finding things to occupy my mind so instead of thinking ugly thoughts, it's busy with other things. I read a lot. I've read over 100 books since January 1st (143 actually, plus a few others I read before I started my tracking). I also play a lot of WoW. Those little things help. I really wish I was good with advice and knew what to say, because you're so much like me in this. It's so hard to talk to people when people doubt you. My friends have doubted me and accused me of using depression as an excuse. My boyfriends have looked me like my depression was a temporary thing and I don't think they even tried to understand. My parents, I love them, but they never understood either. My sister might understand, but I'm terrified of talking to her about it. But she's the ONE person in the world that might be willing to listen and let me cry on her shoulder. Maybe there is someone like that for you? I can't say run off and tell them, because I haven't gotten to guts to talk to my sister, but if there is one person you think that might be willing to listen, maybe you will eventually find the courage to talk to them (like I'm trying to find the courage to do as well). So this is a lot, and I have a bad habit of writing too much, all the time. I want to say more, but it's overwhelming enough. If you ever want to talk, you can message me. I think people can do that here...I'm new as well. I just want to give you a big virutal hug.
  14. Thank you for the welcomes. It does feel good that there are people who understand and are willing to listen. And hi, Melissa, I'm sorry you went through those things too. This is my second tattoo. My first is a dragonfly I got to signify growth and new beginnings when I was 18. I got it with the intention that when I looked at it, it would be a symbol to myself that I could step out of my comfort zones and maybe make friends and maybe figure out what I want to do with my life and maybe find happiness and control my depression. I'm not so sure it worked haha, but I do love dragonflies so there's that too When I met my husband, he said he hated tattoos but he could deal with the dragonfly because it was on my leg and not something he'd see all the time. This one I got on my forearm and it's very colorful. I'll post a picture. I want another one on my other forearm that's music related. The one I got last week is a book tattoo. Books are my escape. They keep my mind occupied and, maybe it's cliche, but transport me to different worlds. I wish I could be the characters in some of the books I read, or at least have a life like they do, find that kind of magical love they do. It's all fantasy, but I like being in that fantasy. I am a voracious reader Anyway, I love tattoos and I find them a good form of expression. They don't hurt so much and I actually like the small amount of pain they cause because something beautiful comes out of it. https://www.depressionforums.org/forums/gallery/image/9587-my-new-tattoo/
  15. Hi, TLDR...Hi, my name is Amanda, and I have depression. It's really bad and I've had it for just about my whole life and the darkness just won't go away, no matter how much help/meds/hospitalizations I've had/tried. (3/3/1 btw). I signed up awhile ago, but haven't really gotten the nerve to write. I've had depression as long as I can remember...at least since middle school. I'm 33 now, so a long time. I've been in a very, very dark place this past year. Thinking of dying is the most comforting thought I have. I'm so miserable and unhappy and I honestly don't think I ever remember a time in my life where I was happy. I don't trust anyone in my life. It isn't that I have a bad family. I don't think they understand. I don't really have friends, because I'm shy and awkward and anxious. There were times I trusted, and I got hurt. In highschool I tried to commit suicide and some friends found out and accused me of trying to get out of classes. In college, my best friend, the person I trusted with everything..he knew I had depression and he supported me. Until one day he didn't. I still have no clue what happened. One day he was there, the next he walked out of my life. I tried to get answers but he never responded. I was devastated. That same year, another friend of mine (a psychology student) accused me of trying to get attention by using depression as an excuse. How disturbing is that, that a psych student doesn't believe you? A year later, my boyfriend raped me. It took me six years to get past that, and then the new boyfriend cheated on me. I learned that trusting just gets you hurt. I'm married now, but I can't even talk to him about anything. I've tried, but he pushes it aside like it's nothing. I should have stayed single. I hate my life. I hate my marriage. I hate everything about me. I don't know who I am, I'm different around different people. I've learned to be what people want me to be, and it's been that way since I was a child. I have no passion, no talents, no dreams...I can't see a future. I honestly don't want a future. I've tried getting help...but that has never gone over well. Half the time I feel like I shouldn't be so miserable and depressed. Other people have been dealt hands a lot worse than me. I wasn't bullied. I remember times where certain people in my extended family said things to me about my appearance or my personality, but I'm not sure I ever really took those to heart. I'm not close to them anyway. I recently got a tattoo, the ONLY thing I've been excited about in the past year,and my husband wouldn't even look at me, like I disgusted him. I was so upset about this that I told my sister about it and now I'm pretty sure I have created a rift between her and my husband. Is it pathetic and sad that I want my husband to cheat on me? I want him to leave me, because I don't have the strength to leave him. I don't love him. Not anymore. He has beaten me down, not physically, but emotionally and I'm exhausted. But i don't want to hurt him by leaving him. Am I pathetic or what? We don't have sex, which I'm really ok with, but I know it bothers him. I've been struggling with my identity and sex is a big issue with me, meaning I don't want it, I hate it, and I feel disgusting when I have it. Those nights are among the worst for me. I get this feeling of hopelessness and I feel like I'm just a tool to use. I've recently identified myself as asexual, since I've never enjoyed sex and I have no desires for it. I know this has been hard for me to deal with, being that I'm married and he expects sex. Nights just in general are the worst. i don't sleep well anymore and my husband thinks it's because we don't have sex. Nights are when I don't have anything to keep my mind occupied and it drifts off into the territory of...I wonder how much this would hurt or how fast this would work to end my miserable existence, among other ugly thoughts. I've written a lot, doing my best to condense it so it isn't too terribly long, and my journal is pages and pages and pages of things that I've written about (sadly, most of it is one big suicide note) and I don't want to subject people to that. I know this is an introductory thing. I'm sorry if it's too dark or long. Sometimes I start writing and I struggle to stop writing.
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