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TheDark

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  1. So it's been several weeks since I posted any updates so here goes. I got back from my European vacation the first week of June. Things started out rough but got much better about 2-3 days or so into it. I felt genuinely good and I was taking in all the sights and experiences I could. A few days after this my relationship problem was fixed. June 1st, about 6 pm Ukrainian time she messaged me saying she loved me and so we got back together just like that. She never even considered me an ex anyway, which I was surprised but elated with. I spent the next 4 days or so in Lithuania which was extremely beautiful and is where my ancestors are from, so to be back in the motherland was an exciting experience. I got back to the USA at night on June 8th. I was, needless to say, exhausted from the loooooooooooong flight time. I was still doing well at this point and felt ready to get back to work. I started my new job last Monday morning, and while it isn't perfect it is an improvement over my previous job. My mood was good and things seemed OK in life, but yesterday all of that was destroyed. My girlfriend was diagnosed with breast cancer and it is in her lymph nodes too (all on right side.) She will have chemotherapy and surgery to remove her right breast. She has completely lost all hope and given up. She said she just wants to die and can't deal with this. I'm trying to stay strong and positive, but it's proving to be extremely difficult. I feel helpless to do anything about it and it breaks my heart knowing she has to face this. She is the love of my life and I can't lose her. I'm crushed. Needless to say my depression has gotten a hold of me like never before. I'm literally at zero where I don't care what happens to me and have been crying nonstop because I'm hurting for her. Today at work I couldn't focus on anything and just stared out the window all day. I'm questioning everything. Well there's my update for everyone. Bless you all for your kindness.
  2. Thank you for your advice. So far I haven’t drank any alcohol or done an over abundance of pills since I’ve been in Europe, and even a few days before. I’m going to be looking into DBT when I get home and found an outpatient program in my city. I want to give it a try. The relationship thing is kinda complicated. I don’t really want to get too deep into it but she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone right now because of her health issues. We still talk almost every day and we’ll see where things go once both our lives are calmer. I’m confident we’ll get back together. More important to me though is that she gets better and back on track. I have a totally selfless love for her and if anything happened to her I’d be absolutely devastated. My psychiatrist is pretty much just a passing thought at this point. I’d much rather have a therapist to talk to regularly.
  3. I think the tears are for lost love and past experiences which perhaps I never truly got over. For example, someone once told me that I may have PTSD because of the way I found my father dead. I feel really bad today. I’m sitting in the airport waiting to begin the journey to Europe and I’m anxious, sad, and already feeling detached from home. I know the two weeks will ultimately go by in an instant but this feeling still permeates me. I just hope I’ll be distracted enough to make the most of my trip.
  4. Well I haven’t posted in a little bit but I thought I’d give a small update. The past few days have been up and down. Yesterday started off really bad and I broke down crying in the evening sometime. Later that night I felt much better though and went to bed with a great feeling of future happiness. Today has been good but here at 12:40am I’m kinda feeling sad again. I’m going to bed soon and I will attempt some mental exercises to help me feel better.
  5. I actually was able to avoid the temptations of alcohol these past couple days. I hung out with friends last night and it was nice. I feel ok today, just tired. I’m definitely looking at DBT options when I get home from vacation (which I’m STILL having anxiety over) and I’m hoping that this will benefit me, as well as finding a new, more attentive psychiatrist.
  6. Honestly I'm going to be looking for a new psychiatrist here when I get back from vacation (which is also giving me some really bad anxiety knowing that I'll be 10,000 miles away and cut off from everything I know.) He sees me for 5 minutes and then says ok, here's your refills, see you in 3 months. Yeah, all along I'd been diagnosed with Bipolar and he never put me on any mood stabilizers or anything. A friend of mine who is getting his Masters in Psychology thinks I have BPD, which makes sense to me because of some of my symptoms. Today I don't feel so bad yet. I'll be taking a nap here in a little bit and then we'll see where my mood goes from there. I'm probably going to also find a therapist that I can speak with weekly as I need more than a once-every-three-months type of thing. I've looked into some DBT groups where I could share my story with others and maybe learn some new coping techniques. I don't want to be self-destructive. I just want to feel normal again.
  7. Hi everyone, I'm new here to the forum and I joined because I needed to talk with people who understand what I'm going through. I've suffered from depression since I was 14 years old. I'm 34 now. It's been a roller coaster ride for all these years. I've had really great moments in my life, and then some absolutely abysmal times when I couldn't do anything but cry for hours and think of ways to **** myself. Since my 30th birthday things have been at their absolute worst. There have been some genuinely great times during these 4 years but the majority of the time I've felt alone, unwanted, undeserving, hopeless, and like a burden. The past couple weeks have been a living hell, one which I can imagine the real Hell cannot even compare to. Over the years I've had problems with alcohol and benzos. I combine them together in massive quantities and drink half a bottle of whiskey just to try to numb the pain. Even as I type this I'm balling my eyes out and remembering the good times that have long since passed by. I bought a new bottle tonight and have like 60 sleeping pills left in the cabinet, and even though I know I shouldn't do it, I'm probably going to anyway. By midnight I'll be carefree until I wake up in the morning wanting to die all over again. My depression has been triggered by various things over the years. Sometimes it's been because of work, sometimes because of family members dying (my dad for instance,) or relationships ending badly. This latest trigger has been the relationship thing. It hasn't ended badly at all. We're still friends and talk a lot, but this woman was/is the love of my life and seeing her facing some challenges is making me feel even worse, not about myself, but feeling bad for her and wanting to support her through all she's facing. I guess what I'm trying to ultimately say is this: I need help, but not even my psychiatrist can help me. My mother can't help me, and my friends don't know how either. Some advice would be greatly appreciated.
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