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MissPiss

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  1. Hello, my name is Melissa, I am 38, and I am new to this page. Actually, I'm new to "support groups" in general, so I apologize if I don't use proper etiquette, or if I do anything wrong. My story is typical, with a whole lot of spice mixed in. My parents divorced when I was 3, both remarried when I was 6, and shortly thereafter, stole my "only child" title/role, by giving me siblings (I still consider myself an "only child" 😑). At 5, I started the jetset life, of an unaccompanied, travelling, 'child of divorce', and started flying back and forth, between California and Arizona, then later, Washington state and Arizona, at least 5 times a year. From the time I can remember, I have never connected with, or even wanted to connect with anyone, on any more than a surface level. I was never in one place long enough, to bother making any friends or having any real worthwhile relationships. I wasn't around my siblings consistently enough to create any kind of a bond with them, plus, in my mind, I was just so much older than them, that there wasn't really any need to even try. It was the same with my parents. I just got to "visit" their normal lives every now and then. I met my first husband at 17, and we were married for 10 years, but I MAJORLY screwed that one up (due to my un-checked depression). When I was 28, I up and, out of the blue, decided to join the army... but then, the monster hit again, and I was given an early release. I was a binge drinking alcoholic for quite a few years.. but the hangovers got so bad, that I quit, and haven't drank in years. In the army, I met my current husband, who is severely bipolar. The beginning years were rough, but, he got help, and I now have the best most wonderful husband in the world. When I was 30, we had our son. I didn't think I could have kids, so it was suprising, but perfect. Ever since I had my son, I have stopped bolting, and running from situations, which was always my go-to, in the past, but now, it has kind of morphed into a more solitary, sedentary kind of beast. One who doesn't even have the energy to THINK about running. I've kind of encased myself in a plastic bubble from the beginning. Even now, the people I love, are regularly kept on the outside of the bubble. I can go into stories upon stories, that build the foundation, and structure of my depression. If I really think back, I can watch it slowly building and collecting over time, to where it is today. Right now, if you looked inside my head, you would see the worst hoarder's house that you can imagine. I remember everything, starting before my first birthday, and I overthink EVERYTHING. With that much memory saved up, I can [and DO] have a lot of things to tear down, and rearrange in my head. I am very good at ignoring my hoard, when I'm well, but then the monster hits me in the face, and takes over my life, and I'm down for a month, easy. When this happens, I end up letting my days slip by, while I sit on my patio recliner, chain-smoking cigarettes, and binge watching Game of Thrones over, and over, and over... and over. I can't move. I can't do anything. I don't hurt, and I'm not tired... I just feel HEAVY. Like a bag of sand. My body will NOT move in a forward motion. The thought of breathing exhausts me. If there really is such a thing as a "will to live", I gave that up 2 weeks ago. I feel like a zombie. And the guilt I feel, buries me even deeper. I have a wonderful husband, and the best 8 yr old son, any mom could be blessed with. They are both the most amazing, understanding people I have ever met... yet I can't stand up long enough to make more than ham sandwiches for dinner... I appreciate EVERYTHING they do to help me, but at this point, I just feel like a parasite. I would not be surprised if they just left me, and found a better life. I drain the kindness of the people around me, and I feel HORRIBLE about it. But then, there never seems to be anything I can do, to get out of it. I'm stuck. I KNOW this is supposed to pass, but when? How?!? How can I unload my hoard, clean my body and mind, and then STAY that way? I've done my time with pharmaceuticals. They did nothing but cause me pain. I have tried, and am still wanting to work with psychadellics, in a mental health capacity, but... HOW??? I feel like anything I do now, is just going to cause problems for me in the future. So, why bother doing anything now? If I stay in my chair, life is safe. Anything else is just too much. I need to start thinking about the thought of taking a shower now, so thank you for listening to my sob, boo-boo story...
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