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Cinnamon_Teal

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  1. I'm glad you took the time to vent. Keeping silent can make all those horrible feelings so much more worse. And no one should have to suffer in silence. I can relate a little. In my 30's. Only have my mom. And a friend who I love dearly but he lives too far away. I hate my job but it's because of the people. Go figure! But most of all, indulging in things that make the depression worse is something I do as well. I've always wondered why some people do that, myself included. It's oddly soothing despite how horrible it feels. I can't even imagine what you must be feeling like this. A therapist definitely sounds like a good idea. I know you said your spouse doesn't get you. Have you already tried confiding in him? My mom is hard to communicate with. She's not very receptive to it. And she doesn't seem to get me either so all in all I've given up on confiding in her because it feels pointless. Maybe written notes to him might be more effective? Just a thought. I'm wishing you the best and please feel free to vent any time!
  2. I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with this. Something I've always heard: "Not being alone doesn't mean you're not lonely. Being alone doesn't mean you're lonely." I agree with Mark, perhaps a therapist may be something to consider. You'd have someone you could talk to who could hopefully help you work through the events of your past so you can find some healing. The past bothers me a lot too. It's amazing, too, how things in the present can really just dig that up without warning. We're here for you too, so feel free to share as you need.
  3. Thank you so much for the encouragement and the advice! BeyondWeary, you're very right. I'll try that. I'll try accepting my feelings instead of pushing them away, whether they're illogical or not. I tend to try to ignore emotional pain because it gets too overwhelming to face and push aside negativity because it's "wrong". But the feelings are there regardless and ignoring them only makes our hurt, fear, and worries compound. You make a good point, Epictetus. I'll try being patient. I have a bad habit of always wanting to see progress on important things and if there are times of stagnation, I get very anxious. Some things move slow and there are times when that's for the better. Sometimes life is in a transition phase. I just need to remember that. Just the fact that you took some time out of your life to give me encouragement is too sweet, nojoy. I couldn't ask for more. A bit thanks to all of you for the support. I'm wishing you all the best and better days. We're all in this little ball together and even though we're far apart, we're all trying to do some good for others. I wish I could do more for all of you but I'm sending you my support as well. I do want to say quickly that I did go ahead and tell my boyfriend a bit about the conversation with my mom. I didn't go into detail but I gave him a general idea of what was up and that those icky feelings from before got dug up again. He didn't know what to say or do, but he was very supportive (as usual). I just hate how I feel like there's no resolution but I know at least I can talk to him about this and anything else I need to. I just worry about hurting him or worrying him. However, I'm also working a job I can't mentally handle just to see him so I feel that at the very least I maybe shouldn't feel bad about accepting his support. On days like today, I'm starting to lose motivation to keep working. It's tempting to quit. To give up. But I feel like I have to keep fighting. I don't want to be weak. It's this annoying inner battle. I might go ahead and talk to him more but I also know he's said he doesn't think he's worth any suffering or trouble on my part. It's all so complicated. Anyway, thanks again ♥ If anyone ever needs an ear (or a pair of eyes!) to vent to, feel free to!
  4. Drained. It's like I'm putting more out than I'm getting in return and I keep hitting a deficit. I feel like I can't deal with myself anymore. It's a 24/7 commitment and I just want a break. Some days like today, after too many days of darkness, I go numb. It helps a little but eventually the cycle repeats. I can't keep doing this, but I don't know what I can do.
  5. Hi everyone, I hope you all are managing well. ♥ I just wanted to vent about some trouble and worries I've been dealing with. Even if no one has any words of advice (or any words at all), I think I just want that comforting feeling of being heard by someone. I'll start off by saying that I've been dealing with depression. I'm 30 and I live with my mom, who also isn't all too well herself. We're all we've got as far as family goes, although I have a boyfriend (the guy I talk about in this post) who lives a few states away. I mention this in advance since it'll make things easier to understand. Last year in May I met a guy online and we clicked instantly. I had hit a point where I had given up on having friends, online or in person, and yet somehow he had broken through my wall. It felt so wonderful to finally have made what felt like a true friend. I had quite an emotional ride when I started to realize I had feelings for him and went into denial for some time. Turned out he confessed in August that he was in love with me but had been struggling with that truth as well. I admitted my side to him but we held on to our now awkward friendship until he asked me to be his girlfriend in November. Early on we talked about meeting each other, even before the confession. This is where things get stressful for me: You see, he told me all about how he had a girlfriend before me and that he had gone out of his way to visit her twice during their relationship. The first time his dad drove him and the second time he went alone (he said he went as far as selling some things and borrowing money from his parents). Apparently he had gotten a job shortly after so he'd have his own money to visit her when he wanted and such. But then they broke up not long later and he quit his job. He also said they were together for about 1 1/2 years. However, he refuses to come see me so if we want to meet, I have to be the one to make the trip. I live a bit closer than she did, but it's still a long trip; 800-900 miles. I wouldn't mind traveling to see him and I think it'd be fun. I've asked mom several times for help, but she said the only thing she's willing to do is pay for him to come see me. Which is very, very generous (and a very big deal that she trusts my judgement enough to let someone I met online meet me) but he refused her offer. He's given me a list of reasons as to why he doesn't want to visit me some of which are: He doesn't want his parents knowing that he's gotten into a second relationship, and long distance like the last. He says he doesn't want to hear their negative opinions of it and he doesn't want them teasing him. It'd be easier for him. He won't have to worry over making a trip and staying in a hotel. He doesn't want to worry about getting good sleep in a new, strange place. I don't have my own place to invite him to or my own car to drive him around in. He doesn't want my mom paying for it because he thinks his parents would feel insulted and he'd also feel guilty. He got a job a few months ago, so that's been added to his list of reasons he can't visit me. (Apparently he hates his job and says that the money he's saving up isn't worth the hassle - he doesn't have "anything important" to use it for). Recently I told him about my negative feelings; that I was starting to feel unwanted. By words, he seems very invested going so far as to say he seriously wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But I haven't seen any action towards anything. I told him I started having these dark thoughts, that if he loved me like he did his ex, he'd do more like he did with/for her. I let him know I didn't want to hear any more stories or stuff about his ex because it was starting to hurt (he had a bad habit of it because apparently I sometimes remind him of her). I even started getting jealous of girls in fiction. Him saying this fiction girl was "cute" felt no different than him saying I was "cute". I felt like I had no different meaning to him than them; a picture on his screen and a voice in his headset - there to entertain him when he felt bored or lonely. Meeting wasn't the only thing. He didn't want to webcam with me for the longest time because it felt awkward for him, although he admitted he did webcam a lot with her. However, he also said it was important for us to connect more because sometimes he felt distant and sometimes I felt less "real" to him. But then we wouldn't. I didn't want to be a nuisance or influence him to do something he truly wasn't interested in, so I'd wait a month or two before bringing it up. He'd jump right on it, we'd webcam the next day or two, then no more for weeks. He didn't want me sending letters or packages to him and he wouldn't send anything to me even though I'd mention about how I'd love to have a letter from him. It wasn't until I told him all this that he broke down and started worrying and almost cried. He got scared that I'd leave him, he admitted that he was getting too comfortable with the status quo, he said I made him feel like he didn't love me as much as I love him, etc. For better or worse, he's very honest and open about things. I guess he made a decision then, because he said he'd make things right. This month is the first time we've talked via webcam regularly (almost every day) and he said we could exchange letters so I have something I'll be sending out very soon. He also told me he'd give me whatever money I needed to make the trip to see him but I turned it down. I already got a job to get money for the trip plus I don't feel comfortable accepting his money like that mainly because he refused mine (well, my mom's but we've always put our money together as household funds). He claimed if I really, really wanted, he'd come see me (though of course he admitted he can't due to the job). And he started asking about when we should tell our parents about our relationship. I felt a lot better at that point. I've always believed in him and I don't want to lose that. Then I talked with my mom. She doesn't know much about what goes on. I share things with her but I keep it to a minimum. For some reason she's never seemed to like him. When I told her I wouldn't bother her to take me to visit him and that I figured I'd have to do it on my own, she finally shared her view of him. Some of the things she said eerily echoed my negativity. She said I was likely just a form of entertainment for him; an online way for him to pass the time. She said she didn't think he wanted to see me that badly. That if I was really his best friend as he says (although I'm sure she's still thinking that we're in a relationship) and he really wanted to see me, he'd get off his butt and come here. Even more so since I admitted he visited someone before who lived further away. She even said with concern, "I hope he's not your boyfriend". I found myself speechless and I couldn't admit to it. I worried it'd make him look worse to her and that she might altogether fully object to us meeting (I'd still go but it'd make the ordeal even worse). It was surreal, hearing her voice many of the same things I had worried about and felt. It almost made it feel like my worries were more real than I wanted to admit and that I've been trying to blind myself. But I respect his feelings and reasons. I don't believe in having a lot of expectations of someone and I don't want to expect things from him that I shouldn't. His feelings and needs should be considered too. And I know we're both learning and growing still. This is my first relationship and his second. We're both still living with our parents. He's had an easy life as he says, but I've gone through some crud so I'm not afraid of making it in the world as he is. We both have our doubts and flaws and fears of the future. We try to always keep each other in the know about how we feel. Though I worry that he might also have depression or something else troubling him. But it hurts. I feel stupid that it hurts. I just don't know how to handle this anymore. Part of me thinks that if I wasn't already dealing with depression, I could be stronger and handle all of this so much better. I feel like I'm better than this and I feel so frustrated that I'm not acting like it. I feel weak and pathetic. I'm just trying to tell myself it's emotional growing pains. But I'm getting insomnia, I have no motivation for anything; I just can't find the energy to keep going. Most of all, I feel like I need someone to confide in. I should see a therapist but this job has so few hours and I give mom half my pay so a therapist would dip too heavily into the money I'm saving to see him. I just want to keep the only two people I dearly love near me, but I feel like I'm asking for too much. I'm sorry for the length of this. I'm not expecting anyone to read, but just putting this somewhere others will see makes my heart feel a little lighter. And to anyone who is going through something similar, I hope this at least gives you some comfort that you're not alone. Feel free to vent to me about it or anything that's troubling you. Take care everyone. I'm wishing you a better day than the last ♥
  6. I'm so glad you've reconnected! I know, in my own depression, I've pushed people aside. Sometimes they could say something that triggered darker feelings and it wouldn't be their fault but it made them hard to talk to afterwards. I think you did great how you handled things and I think they've definitely got a wonderful friend in you. Thank you for being such an understanding and supportive person for your friend! Sometimes all we need is that one person who cares. It makes life so much better!
  7. The front desk job went well. I did training for only 3 days since they needed me to work the 16th through 21st (minus the 20th due to an early morning dermatologist appointment I had made two months ago) while they went on vacation. The owners are always here in the morning so I had to take over the morning shift from 7am to 3pm. That first day was terrifying. Not only did I end up getting sick with allergies (and probably stress) but I had such bad anxiety that I only slept for 3 hours. The first customer I rented a room to, my hand shook violently as I held their license. By the second day I finally felt more comfortable. Slept about 4 hours that night but I managed. By the the third day, I found I actually enjoy the job. I'm still awkward with people and I still don't like messing with money that much but I began to feel less awkward and that was a nice feeling. Such a wonderful feeling to face my fears, power through, and overcome them! I felt so alive! The day off was good and the dermatologist appointment went well but I was told yesterday night that they didn't need me this morning. The owners were coming back in the morning so the lady for night shift decided to just stay until they arrived. I didn't mind too much at first. But during the day today I've started to feel more and more depressed. I feel bored and aimless. Who knows when they'll need my help again. Working made me feel so good. I looked forward to my free time and had all sorts of things I wanted to do when I got off work. I would actually do whatever I was planning on, too. Now here I am again, not feeling like doing anything. I have all the time in the day now and I don't want to do anything. I don't understand why I'm like this. I like feeling like I don't have enough time to do all the things I want to do. It makes me choose things to do that have a higher priority and makes me appreciate being able to do them more. I also feel a little jealous of my boyfriend (not in a bad way). He has a very consistent job and his mother is willing to drive him to work since he doesn't have a car at the moment. But he's not like me. He hates working and he values having as much free time in a day as possible. He can't relate much to my situation (although he is supportive of me). Mom was very supportive of me while I worked but I could tell she didn't really like it. She drank pretty heavily those days and seemed really down. I put in an application a few days ago with a youtuber who is looking for a part-time video editor. Mom seemed pretty happy about that since I can always be here in the room. I don't think she can really understand how I feel and it seems our personal needs clash at times. I'm sure we can find a balance one day. For now, I don't know what to do with myself.
  8. The wait is always the worst part. I hate delays when I'm ready or eager for something. When the time finally comes I usually realize that the wait was never as bad as it felt. Sometimes it turned out to be a good thing. Whether the wait is good or bad, you still have made progress overall and that is good. Best wishes!
  9. I had an interesting revelation today. This morning I was told that I would do some training today for upcoming work at the front desk of the hotel I live in. For the past several days it hasn't felt real, even though I knew it was and could feel a slight unease haunting my subconscious. Today, it all hit me like a ton of bricks. My chest began to ache. It felt like my heart would explode. The closer it got to going up there for the training, the worse I felt. Recently I got an app on my phone and have been keeping track of my mood and such with it. I decided to log my mood and was recommended to go sit outside (an activity I had added as something helpful). So I did. I went outside and wrote in my journal for a bit. Eventually, as the emotions one by one left me and ended up as words on the page, I finally felt... normal: a little tired and a little nervous, but nothing like earlier. When I came inside and sat down I had the sudden random thought that I wanted my life to stop. But I was in such a peaceful state of detachment that I didn't "feel" that way, if that makes sense. I had become an observer. I wondered why I had this thought when I felt fine, so I asked myself, "why?" "Because... I want to run away." I never thought about that before. I've spent a long time trying to escape my life, my feelings, my self. It made so much sense to me why these kind of thoughts had started plaguing me. "Then run away." I told myself. "Do and live however you want. If you truly want your life to stop, then you have nothing left in your life to lose. You can run away from this life and make a new one. Use these feelings to pursue your dreams, not your end." "But I can't run away. I feel trapped." There were invisible chains tying me down; chains of my own creation. Finally I feel like I get it. I realized something about myself that I needed to see. I, whether by my own accord or under the influence of others, have chained myself down so much that I've reached a breaking point. Every time I try to reach out to free myself from one of my chains, I gain several more. This is why those intrusive thoughts keep appearing more often and have been getting increasingly stronger. I seem to feel as if there is no other way to escape. But there is. There is another way. Just let go. I've always been told to let go of things and I never understood how. The words themselves felt meaningless. I didn't know how to apply them. Now I found a way. Let go. Don't let go of your life. Let go of the chains you and others have trapped you with. Even just one chain will make you feel so much lighter.
  10. For a good part of my life I've always kept a diary. When I got my newest one 4 or 5 years ago, I had decided I'd only write good things. This was because I would sometimes read back over a few entries in my old diaries out of curiosity or in search of when I got something special and I'd come across depressing stuff. It was hard to face those emotions of the past, many I had yet to fully heal from. However, choosing to only write good things pretty much kept me from writing at all. My first entry in my latest diary is dated January 1, 2016 and according to my entry, I had bought this diary "a while back". I started writing in it only because I was going through a very dark time and felt desperate for an outlet. Some good things apparently had happened in February and I decided I'd keep to my "happy writing only" rule. It wasn't too late to. But my entries became fewer and more scarce. Only 6 entries were written between March and September of that year. I didn't write again until January of 2017. Only 9 entries were added that year. March of 2018 I began to write again. I have 27 entries for 2018! Admittedly, most are short, but that was far more than I had written in years. 2018 was an odd time. I had a breakdown in December of 2017 and that state of mind lingered ever since. I believe that, even now, it's still there. This may have been when my depression hit the worst it's ever been; something in me had finally broken. But some positive experiences were popping up between February and May so I made sure to write about it. My entries were very honest, as they admitted to some of my trouble, but they were still very "happy" focused. I refused to go into detail or express the darker thoughts. It wasn't until April of this year that I've decided to make a change in my writing habits. One day I remembered that I had written a letter to my 30 year old self when I was 24. Since I turned 30 this year, I brought out the letter (which occupied the last few pages of one of my older diaries) and read it. It left a very strong impact on me. That's when I realized it was time for a change. It was time to change my stagnant life. It was time to fix my problems that I had neglected for too long. I almost never go outside. I've always spent all day inside this dimly lit hotel room, staring at a computer screen. Ever since April 30th, I've been going outside for a couple hours to write. I'll write down whatever pops into my mind whether it's to say that a nice cool wind is blowing or that I don't want to live anymore. However I feel or think, I write it. And I continue writing until all those thoughts and feelings are out of my heart and mind. There's been something healing in this; just putting everything onto the page no matter what it is. Even if my thoughts jump around or I suddenly break down emotionally while writing. Something else I want to do, starting today, is to read back over my oldest diary. It's something I haven't touched in a long time, other than reading that letter I wrote to myself. I wonder, will I find myself in the pages? Or will I find that even then I was lost? Thinking back over my past, I feel that I had more of a will to live and that I valued myself more then despite the fact that it was the worst time in my life. I'm ready to read what I wrote and to face what my darkness was then. And then I'll write about my thoughts. Maybe, I'll write to my past self. Even if she can't read it, I want to help encourage her so she doesn't become the me of today. I believe I can reach her.
  11. Ah yes, binge eating to solve everything: loneliness, depression, hunger, sadness, etc. I relate too much. I've had problems with overeating for comfort since I was 12. Then the comfort turns to pain but the eating doesn't stop until I'm at the point of nearly losing what I just ate. Sometimes eating is comforting, but sometimes it almost becomes a form of unintentional (or intentional) self harm. I broke the cycle once for almost a year and a half out of pure fear of the control that food had over me. But the past two months I've been putting on weight again. Hoping I can remind myself that this food isn't my happiness. And neither is whatever I weigh, no matter it is. I do want to encourage you to at least be somewhat healthy, not for the sake of weight but for energy and overall mood. It's hard to get/stay motivated, but I felt at my best when I exercised a little a few days a week and cooked fairly healthy meals. I hope you can discover what helps you stop. I don't recommend the way I did since it was very destructive and did not come out of a good frame of mind. I also wish everyone who's here before and after me the best of luck too.
  12. I would like to post an update on my situation. And also apologize for not using quotes. It took me this long before I realized that was a thing I should do when responding to replies, haha. I went ahead and spoke with the owners here at the hotel myself. They do want to hire me to work, but not for housekeeping as I was hoping and instead for the front desk. This isn't something I'm comfortable with but I don't want my anxiety ruling my life. Mom did try to talk me out of it at first, but she didn't seem to be doing so for selfish reasons. At least it didn't feel that way. If anything, she almost seemed confused since she knows I don't feel comfortable doing front desk work. Seeing that I've remained steadfast, though, she let it go quickly enough and is being supportive. Due to my refusing to work in the evenings to talk with my boyfriend, she did end up questioning me on that instead and did express her concerns about my friend possibly becoming my boyfriend, but I ignored that part of the conversation. I'm not ready to approach that subject yet. One step at a time. I respect that she doesn't trust him, but I don't plan on dumping him either. One thing that was brought up was that I have "changed" as of late and she thinks it's his fault. Perhaps he does have something to do with it, but that's not the entire reason. I made sure to give her a good explanation for everything she brought up and afterwards she let it go. I did go ahead and share with her that I joined this forum. I used my shortcomings as a way of trying to break into serious conversation about life and what bothers me instead of pointing out her behavior or "attacking" her. She's not completely unreasonable and it seems that this is the best approach to reach her. I want her to know what's going on with me even if she doesn't fully understand. She actually admitted she doesn't trust me to do things on my own (which explains a lot about her not wanting to let me drive and such) and I admitted that I take some things she says too personally which ends up with my feelings getting hurt. When I said I was going to pay her back for some things, like the money I've cost her for my face, she said I didn't have to. But when I told her I was going to split my pay with her, she seemed very touched and thanked me. Thank you all again for the support and advice. I don't think I could have done this on my own without everyone's help. Just thinking about what you've all said has really given me some strength and energy to power through this. I think I may be making progress here. I do feel that I've drained a lot of my emotional strength though. I'm almost too tired to be anxious about the job, although I'm having trouble sleeping due to all this stress. I wish you all plenty of days on the up ♥ And I hope I can one day help you all as you've helped me. I'm going to at least try to pass it on here in the forum.
  13. Thanks, Mark, for your kind words. It's very draining and some days I feel like it's pushing me far beyond what I can handle but being here on the forums has recently been helping me more than words can express. Thank you for also sharing your experience. I'm very sorry to hear you had that trouble with your mom. It's good you didn't have to share the same roof with her, but I doubt that really made it any easier. It's amazing how you stood up for yourself. It's not very easy "being the adult" in situations with parents. Especially if they still see you as the child. I've never found detaching emotionally to be easy, especially with my mom since I crave her approvals and acceptance, but I think that's the best route to take in these kinds of situations. Even though I can't distance myself physically, I have been distancing myself from her during any kind of toxic situations. It may be rude, but I've taken to ignoring her if she says certain things and only participating in parts of the conversation that are healthy. It's my way of showing that I do love and care about her, but that I won't give in or be a part of something that's not good for me. I'll also be sure to remember that I'm not responsible for her in some ways. It's not my fault her life was hard. And she can find her own happiness. Perhaps she already has. It's time for me to find mine, though.
  14. Thanks for sharing your experience! I'm glad you've been able to find someone you're comfortable speaking with. It really can feel good to get things off your shoulders, especially to someone who will listen and offer constructive advice instead of judging. So far I've found that this forum is very nice for that. Like you, I've found myself spending some days just reading and other days commenting. It's been very enlightening so far. I'm glad I joined. I hope in the future I can also find a therapist that I can talk to. Thanks again and best wishes!
  15. Thank you all so very much for the responses and advice. BeyondWeary, I believe you're absolutely right. I believe she's scared. I probably would be too in her situation. She has no family other than me (and she's all I have family-wise) or anyone else in her life she can truly rely on. She dealt with abandonment too in her life and it makes complete sense that she would become controlling and almost verbally aggressive from that fear. She loves me and cares a lot about me and her fear of losing me is likely driving her to this behavior. She's not normally like this and she was never controlling when I was a child either. In fact, I spent a lot of time away from her with friends or babysitters, etc. She raised me not so much as a child to mold but as she put it "a little person she met and was getting to know". It's now that I'm an adult and deciding to try to live life as I want to that she's suddenly gotten like this. Thank you again. I've been searching around for online therapy today and I think I found some helpful sites. Epictetus, thanks for mentioning the articles. I read through quite a few and I found them very motivating. Many had good tips on how I can approach this situation and take control in a calm, constructive manner without hurting her. In my helplessness I never really thought to look up into this. In fact, I never really thought of her as controlling. I suppose she has gotten like that. She knows my weaknesses all too well. She's also always been a confident person (in action at least) who's not afraid to speak their mind whereas I've always been more timid and willing to bend to keep the peace. She was like me when she was younger, though, so she has personal experience with my type of personality. I feel a lot more motivated to stand up for myself now. Atra, I really like the way you put that. It's really had me thinking. One thing she's always told me is that she raised me to not make the same mistakes she has; to be better than her. I do appreciate her goal of helping me learn through her mistakes but I never really thought about what mistakes she didn't want me to make and how she wanted me to be better than her. For example, I was always obsessed with getting good grades but she always said as long as I tried my best, that's what mattered. She never pushed me to make anything of myself. So that's not the "better" that she meant. I wonder if she doesn't trust me because she doesn't trust herself. Maybe she doesn't believe she did well raising me. I need to think about these things and maybe even ask her. As you say, I also have a right to make choices, good or bad, and to learn from them. I feel it's fine for her to try to keep me safe on some level but not like this. A person sometimes needs to fail in order to grow. I don't think I've grown as a person as much as I should have by this time in my life. I'm going to take some time to understand and define what those things mean to me. I can't thank you all enough for the help and support. ♥ This really helped turn my day around and I don't feel as helpless anymore.
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