I'll try to write this as concisely as possible -- I haven't been on forums in ages.
I'm dealing with some variety of depression. I was diagnosed with major depression a few years ago when I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. Ever since, I've been steadily losing friends and getting more and more lonely. There's a growing disconnect between me and the world around me. It's as if we're not really on the same plane of existence.
Moreover, I am currently trying to finish my grad school program and am writing a fairly large thesis. My future career -- and there's quite a big possibility of there not being a future career to begin with -- depends on this. Honestly, writing my thesis is one of the very few anchors I have left, but there's also the distinct possibility that I am pursuing this degree for nothing, which is fueling my sense of hopelessness, despair, and my thoughts about suicide. I've put all my hopes into this one monolithic thing and I have no backup plan whatsoever.
I've started isolating myself again. I barely leave home for work -- I work part time -- and groceries. I'm starting to fear the outside world again. I feel I will never be able to build a life in the wake of what's happened, that I will never get to feel human closeness or connection, or any semblance of fulfillment, ever again. My physical health is also slowly worsening, and I have been diagnosed with treatment resistant high blood pressure.
I have gone through therapy and a variety of antidepressants, antipsychotics, anxiety meds, and so on, and none of them have worked so far -- I'd even go as far as to say that therapy has been harmful.
I'm not numb or detached or lacking in energy -- I feel everything very keenly, which I think is part of the problem. There is a terrible sense of loss and degradation and doom that are preventing me from functioning properly and taking care of myself. I don't know how to rebuild.