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vaultedSky

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About vaultedSky

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  1. I think this is very relatable. What usually helps is filling on low cal options, keeping busy, and doing physical things as often as possible.
  2. Thank you for your kind message, I appreciate it. I think a lot of people seriously downplay the merits of work and mentally and/or physically engaging with the world around you when it comes to keeping depression at bay. To me, any kind of free time spells disaster. I'm at my happiest when my days are full to bursting and there is practically no time for me to be idle and to ruminate.
  3. I don't necessarily relate to this. At times, there's genuine joy in other people's happiness; at other times, there's a feeling of envy or of self-justified punishment, in the sense that I turn their joy against myself.
  4. This is a real problem with me. I don't really feel like I need to take care of myself, or that I deserve to. The feeling is that life can carry on whether I take care of myself or not -- the only validity in the world is with the work I put out, and nothing else. I'm just the person who does the work. Being functional is as far as I'm willing to go in terms of taking care of myself.
  5. I'll try to write this as concisely as possible -- I haven't been on forums in ages. I'm dealing with some variety of depression. I was diagnosed with major depression a few years ago when I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. Ever since, I've been steadily losing friends and getting more and more lonely. There's a growing disconnect between me and the world around me. It's as if we're not really on the same plane of existence. Moreover, I am currently trying to finish my grad school program and am writing a fairly large thesis. My future career -- and there's quite a big possibility of there not being a future career to begin with -- depends on this. Honestly, writing my thesis is one of the very few anchors I have left, but there's also the distinct possibility that I am pursuing this degree for nothing, which is fueling my sense of hopelessness, despair, and my thoughts about suicide. I've put all my hopes into this one monolithic thing and I have no backup plan whatsoever. I've started isolating myself again. I barely leave home for work -- I work part time -- and groceries. I'm starting to fear the outside world again. I feel I will never be able to build a life in the wake of what's happened, that I will never get to feel human closeness or connection, or any semblance of fulfillment, ever again. My physical health is also slowly worsening, and I have been diagnosed with treatment resistant high blood pressure. I have gone through therapy and a variety of antidepressants, antipsychotics, anxiety meds, and so on, and none of them have worked so far -- I'd even go as far as to say that therapy has been harmful. I'm not numb or detached or lacking in energy -- I feel everything very keenly, which I think is part of the problem. There is a terrible sense of loss and degradation and doom that are preventing me from functioning properly and taking care of myself. I don't know how to rebuild.
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