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Everything posted by Charlee

  1. I've done boring, I worked as a checkout girl, a cashier at macdonalds, and as a library assistant at the city library. The first two were in high school and made me realise I wanted more from my work. Boring is ok sometimes when you're really stressed but I found in the ended I hated all of these jobs because I couldn't take the abuse and disrespect from the customers (macdonalds was the worst) and the mundanity of the work, every single day was the same, my opinions and thoughts didn't matter, a robot could easily replace us in those jobs.. and now as I try to get myself into the science world I struggle with anxiety and confidence and constant thoughts of "im not good enough/not smart enough/can't do it". So in my working life I cant win, I die of boredem at the easy jobs and then my mind reassures me im not good enough for the harder ones. Can't win
  2. I used to talk to our grocery workers when we were in lockdown, it was really stressful and scary for them, I felt really grateful for the workers used to thank them, even though im not sure if they wanted the thanks because they were just doing their jobs... they probably wished they didnt have to be there, im not sure how many of them would of had a choice given its low pay work :/ I cant stand people who look down on them though, they're usually the most entitled ungrateful privileged people and I've no room in my life for people who can't understand the "seemingly meaningless" jobs are essential and keep the world turning.
  3. Im home alone right now, and it's windy and grey out, the house is really old and hasn't been refurbished so in the wind it creaks a lot and produces random bangs and noises, it makes me really uncomfortable and feel a little paranoid... I have to keep reassuring myself that its just the wind and the oldness of the house and no one is secretly hiding in another room getting ready to attack My status has been updated to advanced member now so that's cool lol anyway, I've done enough talking for the day so i'm going back to bed now, hope you all have good days
  4. I'd like to have a garden one day, I never learnt how to take care of a garden when I was young, or how to identify weeds and how to get rid of them to avoid them coming back! What does your garden mostly consist of? I really like rose bushes and other flower plants that I dont know the names of lol I like flowers though, I'd like a really nice flower garden when I have space for it
  5. uh yes, I feel this way as well, sorry you had a terrible Friday, I hope your weekend was better. My week was similar, in between the panic attacks I was crying, I didnt think my body could produce that many tears, and apparently I'm still not out of them! I'd like to date as well but I have serious baggage that I have to work through before being able to get close to someone else. The past trauma makes me feel broken and unable to function in society so hopefully one day soon i'll have the courage to start therapy and finally be able to move on with my life. I hope you can too Ps, im sure Christine doesnt hate you and its just your demons reinforcing that, I've many that try to reinforce that everyone hates me as well, its very difficult to live with and trying not to believe them
  6. I struggle with getting quality sleep as well, last night I managed to go to sleep about 1am (which is early for me atm lol) but I woke around 6 and kept waking up until I finally decided to get up around 11.. the disturbed sleep makes everything else harder. Did you manage to work out? I bought myself new gear and a new yoga mat a few weeks ago hoping it would motivate me but it hasnt haha oh well, one day at a time, I hope you feel better today Duck!
  7. hahaha I feel you on the house needing a clean because my room needs it too but im not up to it so ill just let it pile up until I can stand it no more How have you been doing? Glad you had a good day today! It feels good to engage on here again
  8. Thank you I feel a bit better this week, well enough to engage again so that's something!
  9. haha I think my mum feels this way when me and my siblings start trying to engage her in something! And I've definitely felt this way about "old people" not knowing whats what anymore But I'm starting to realise its a naive way of thinking and most of the things I get riled up about aren't really worth the trouble of arguing about, but I do wish some political opinions of the older generations would change *ahem sexism/rape culture ahem* but again, not really worth arguing over anymore. I've learnt that you can't force someone to think how you think no matter how loud you make your point
  10. This is a fear of mine and i know too many people that are living in your situation, sorry its come to this offering support from afar
  11. well, you're doing what you can, at least youre getting compensated with pay! A downside to my ambition is ive been poor and living week to week for a very long time, and if i do get to do a PhD it'l be at least 4 more years before ill be able to make real money and be able to afford to live the life I want. That being said, I know money doesnt really mean anything when you dont like what you do
  12. haha I loved the nerd aspect of science as well
  13. I worry this is/will happen to me too, im sorry for your loss
  14. Ive had a pretty terribly week, been triggered as shit and PTSD symptoms flared, now im a depression heap again. I didnt have the energy to engage on here, ive been curled up in bed the entire week. Panic attacks and tears really take it out of you. Hope you'll are doing ok
  15. currently thats me as well, im in the inbetween, and dealing with a lot that holds me back from working at the uni right now while i wait to here about my app
  16. Hi yes, I feel exactly the same way, having hope when you feel such anguish is so difficult, pretty much impossible. I dont know how to help myself out of it either. a lot of the time just getting through the day is the best I can do. Im sorry you're feeling so badly, its so hard. I was also on escitalopram for a few years and now im on venlafaxine. I think I respond better to SNRIs than SSRIs, but im still in the trial phase I think. hope you feel better
  17. What field are you in/how do you spend your days while earning? I'll go first; I recently completed my Masters in Biomedical science and im applying for a PhD in the same field, my particular area of focus is heart failure since it is essentially a death sentence when you're diagnosed and I want to figure out how to treat it and overall improve the lives of those suffering. Im interested in this area because my dad was diagnosed and died 5 years later (the 5 year survival rate once diagnosed is 40-50%.. which is worse than most cancer diagnoses), also the heart as an organ intrigues me to no end because, honestly I dont know, I just remember learning about its anatomy and functions when I was younger and ive been enthralled ever since. Obviously no one needs to go into such detail, but just out of interest, what do you guys do?
  18. do whatever self-care stuff you need to do on your leave, f the rest. leave your stress behind, hope you can enjoy it
  19. mood, celebrating small things that are everyday things to others should be the norm. Doing my nails always makes me feel better, and getting my groceries, doing my washing and chores makes me feel like ive done some normal adult things and boosts my mood for the day
  20. YES! Im embarrassed for how my flatmates see me because I keep myself so closed off that the dont really know anything about me and most of the time im in my pjs and dont go out so they must think im some super loner weirdo! im actually worried they're going to ask me to leave because I do nothing even tho my bills are always paid. But im really just fighting hard to remain alive right now which they obv dont know a thing about But you are right, im trying, im worth the effort, showering, making a meal, cleaning are big accomplishments for me even tho to everyone else its just a normal part of living they do without a second thought. Yeah I was brought up with minimal responsibility as well, the most housework my mum made us do was the dishes and the vacuuming. But that was a damn fight for her (I wasn't spoiled, just a stubborn kid who made it known when I didnt wanna do something.... others would say bad tempered ). I feel I wasn't prepared for adulthood though either, I moved out temporarily when I was 19 and 23 for 3 and 5 months before I couldn't handle it and moved back home, (now ive successfully been living out of home for 3 years....) but yeah, its taken me awhile to get the hang of things, I wasn't prepared for how difficult adulthood is, or the responsibility of just taking care of yourself, and I dont blame my mum, she wasn't perfect but she was a great mum all the same and I had a pretty good and stable upbringing, id do things differently for sure with my kids (if I ever have any) but yeah Hope you're having a better day today I didnt get up early and again still in pjs but im getting my washing on so thats something for me today
  21. seeing new animals is always a highlight!
  22. oh interesting, I imagined it would be like we see on the TV, everyone sitting in a circle and sharing if they want to. Im going to try and find a group, I just worry that if I went to one for say depression I wouldn't be able to talk about any other struggles.... mental anguish is confusing tbh I dont know what the correct things to say are or how to best describe my feelings or if what im even feeling is real. Thanks for the info. I hope today is good for you!
  23. I feel really sad and down and depressed, such a heavy sadness. I had planned to wake up early and go for a walk and do some yoga and do my washing but that didnt happen. now its mid afternoon and im still in my pjs just.... moping around. I really want to help myself out of this. But that requires energy and knowing it will get better. I dont feel any of that right now, so attempts to feel better feel pointless because I cant see a future where im "better". What a sad life I lead. On a side note I had a bath and did my nails last night and those small acts made me feel a little better ... its like ive got to balance an act of feeling good with an act of misery
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