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Everything posted by Charlee

  1. Oh thanks for replying, I guess ive come to realise that if I find one or a combination or a dosage that works ill probably be taking it the rest of my life too which I really didnt and dont want to accept. How have you come to accept it? I know I need to start therapy, how long have you been doing it and how do you feel like its working? Ive tried it with two different therapists but never got to the "its really working for me" stage
  2. I've had a bit of a shitty day, just feeling crap, I left work early and have been in bed since I don't think I can manage work atm, I can't manage the workload or the deadlines even though I love it. I have a meeting tomorrow that I'm meant to be prepared for, and a couple of pieces of writing I'm meant to be handing in next week but haven't started. I can't seem to do it. It feels too difficult. I feel physically and mentally unable to do it. I was excited to be back at work and had three good days, but today it all kind of came crashing down. Has anyone read "Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine"? if so you'll know what I mean when I say I identify with her.
  3. I guess you’re right, and I understand, GPs only get 15 minutes with us and they see so many people a day I get it. I just it all makes me want to vomit, can the mental illness fairies just come and take it all away? If only. I’m not brave, I can’t talk about stuff it scares the shit out of me. I know I need to see a psychiatrist, but that means I’ll have to talk and I don’t think I can. I’m scared of what will come out. I feel like a scared little girl that’s in an adults body, like 13 going on 30, except not as cool as Sandra bullock blah I hate this but thanks for your support. It’s nice being back at work, I’m so busy again that I’m not so consumed with my sad brain
  4. Thank you, yeah, it was upsetting I didn’t really know how to react so I just swallowed and agreed and left
  5. I went today and all she’s given me is more venlafaxine and referred me to a psychiatrist. It just left me feeling not listened too and disempowered. I know I’m not the easiest patient because I don’t obediently take the drugs prescribed or take them exactly how the doctor wants me too and I get that she’s frustrated but I’m not an uneducated delinquent either. And it frustrates me that the experiences I’ve had in the last year regarding mental health have made me feel like I’m getting treated like one. Like sorry I’m not getting better like the little drug pamphlets tell me I will. Now I feel like I’m doing it all wrong and should just obey. I don’t quite know how to feel. Maybe I’m really not doing the “work” to get better so they’re getting frustrated at me and yelling at me for not improving like they think I should be. A traumatic event happened to me in October last year and the doc said today “it’s been 10 months, I need you to be getting better”. Ugh it’s so frustrating. I need me to be getting better as well but it’s not like I can just snap my fingers and be healed. Maybe I am the problem. I really don’t know, it’s left me confused and questioning myself. I don’t really know what to do. (on the plus side I went back to work today (first time ever getting paid to do science!) and it was pretty good)
  6. hmm ok I will ask about modafinil tomorrow. Haha I would love to come to canada! I wish I could, when the borders open again and covid is a distant memory and ive got enough money to travel, canada will be one of the stops on my list! It so would, its going to be expensive and long to get an official diagnosis, but ive done a lot of reading about it and I think it explains me. But it is difficult to distinguish whether the forgetfulness and difficulty in concentration are more to do with depression and anxiety, or ADHD or all 3! probably all 3. There is so much overlap with mental illness, but so many of us are probably mis-diagnosed or just given the blanket diagnoses of depression and anxiety because its easy for the docs to prescribe an SSRI and get us out
  7. This is a really good idea, I’ve written letters but never to convince myself to carry on, it’s always trying to explain my reasons because I want my family to understand why…tho really these letters are too myself, maybe I’m trying to convince myself why it’s a good idea when deep down I know it’s not?
  8. Truthfully I don’t know, I know I don’t have bipolar because I never ever have the manic highs, or any sort of high, if I’m not low depressed then I’m functional but still low. My depression is low, like low low, can’t leave the house can’t get out of bed can’t shower can’t talk to people can’t do basic self care, maybe a depression low and bipolar-depression lows aren’t that different? What do you experience when you get low? And is it bipolar because you experience such a stark contrast between a low and a high? (Are these qs ok to ask? I’m just genuinely interested, if you don’t wanna answer that is a-ok )
  9. Oh! Haha makes sense now I love salt n vinegar chips! No nutritional values, they just taste good and have become a comfort to me especially when I’m really down or stressed or anxious or just wanting to ignore my problems for a second
  10. Today I had lunch with my lab group and it was really nice, I spoke the most in that hour than I have probably two months, how sad. I had a nice time, I laughed, I smiled. I'm surprised I even remembered how to do that. I got given some science work as well, ill be doing 20 hours p/week which will be good, hopefully a slow integration back into the world again. It will be good to do what I love again. I also started thinking about how "bad" I need to get before I should take my self to emergency, Do I have to be minutes away from suicide? Thinking about it constantly but without an active plan? Or is being terribly depressed and anxious enough? I dont know. I guess if i feel I need it ill go. Just feeling pretty numb right now
  11. I don't want to partake in this test anymore, I'm too tired. I want to say it wins but no I suppose every day that I wake up I'm winning. So ill just keep pushing myself up the steep incline of life Thanks
  12. addicted to peanuts? Is this a reference to an older drug? Ive never heard it used before
  13. oohh, I dont have bipolar but people I know with it say the meds are always terrible. No symptoms has to be a good thing! I did look into abilify, ill just see what my doctor says and suggests. Thanks
  14. Oh thank you @Another Statistic that's given me more options, I already take magnesium and ashwangda, I haven't felt true effects from magnesium yet, maybe im not taking enough. its really difficult to tell if something is working right now, but like you say I would probably feel so much worse if I stopped taking everything so they must be doing something. Im going to buy some L-theanine too, im pretty desperate haa. Thank you!! - did you just ask your doc for Phenibut and modofinil? I dont think I could get them here without prescription. this makes sense, it could be. I was really focused on possible side effects and how I was feeling at the start and then id start focusing on other stuff and not really think about it anymore nd then depression and anxiety would creep back in.. but I guess I need to address my lifestyle and diet too. And my sleep, I sleep so poorly and probably dont eat enough or frequently enough or enough of the "good things". Adult responsibilities are hard ngl *sigh The tranquilizer boom would have been the only plus side of being a woman living in the 60s-90s lol
  15. Lol I meant to say “differences to men” so many mistakes in that post, sorry at least there’s plenty to laugh about with adhd/add. when I’m washing my hair I’ll often forget that I’ve already put shampoo in so I’ll do it twice or not at all, when I need to charge my electric toothbrush I’ll put it on the window sill in the bathroom so it’s right in front of my face so I won’t forget to put it on charge, and I’ll still forget because washing and drying my hands has me looking in the mirror and focusing on something else and then I’ll leave the bathroom because I’ve forgotten all about my tooth brush! when I sit down to do a task my mind will list all the other things I need to do so I’ll get up and start doing them and then realise I needed to go back to the original task I was doing so I’ll be going back and fourth between multiple tasks. This is particularly bad when I have to work from home. Sometimes I’ll just get so overwhelmed and not know where to start that I have to shut down and watch Netflix or anything else that isn’t a task.
  16. This is such a good description of my meds experience too, I get by doctors told that these will make you feel better and normal again but they don’t, and to just keep upping the dose of they're not working, and they continue to not work. Exactly like asking for something but been given something completely different and being told to just keep trying and itl eventually be the something you asked for
  17. I have ADHD or ADD but haven’t been formally diagnosed yet - I didn’t do well in school, I was always daydreaming, could never focus or listen, I think I was a bit hyperactive too? I would throw mad tantrums when things didn’t go my way or I couldn’t understand a math problem when everyone else could and I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get it. I just thought I was dumb. I would do weird things for attention as a teen, and definitely engaged in super risky behaviours, I could never see the consequences for what might happen if I made the wrong decision, I was loud, I struggled to make friends but usually always had one. Until year 12 (junior year) when I lost my friends and a lot of horrible stuff happened and I never understood why (I still don’t!) but that’s when my depression and anxiety started and I’ve always thought it was because of what happened, it probably was but I think being adhd/add made it worse. But I think i have adhd! I suspected when I was 20 and at uni, and now at 28 im going to ask my doc how to get diagnosed. I can’t concentrate, my mind travels from one thought to the next within 30 seconds. I can’t read serious stuff without getting bored and having to read it multiple times, the words just pass through my eyes but don’t actually penetrate my mind. I can’t make friends because I’ve become too anxious because everyone just stopped liking me in highschool and I’ve carried that with me now. My verbal memory sucks, I can’t tell a story or joke because I always forget the start and keep interrupting myself when I remember different points. And now I’m just too embarrassed to talk to people. When I write I jump from one topic to the next without really noticing. When I know something I feel unable to not speak it and often I’ll speak super loudly and trip over my words or ill do the reverse and speak super quietly but quickly. I was in a meeting the other week and I was trying to present my ideas from a paper I had read and I had written it down and taken notes but I lost my thoughts because my notes weren’t written in an organised way and I couldn’t get the words out so I was embarrassed and couldn’t say anything. I was diagnosed with autism last year but I’ve never been convinced it’s autism… maybe it is but adhd takes over more? I’ve read they often co-occur. But it is really disappointing because I was obviously not developing normally as a child, “being dumb” should not have been a good enough explanation for why I wasn’t succeeding in primary school with all the other kids my age, why did I not get assessed? It’s so damn ****ing unfair. If I had been diagnosed as a kid and on the right meds my life could have been so different, and I feel robbed about that. I’ve been through so much trauma and been so bullied and hurt and am now so depressed and anxious because of it. I grew up thinking I was dumb. I remember in year 2 (6 years old) not understanding times tables. why was this not a red flag to my parents and teachers? All the other kids could do it why couldn’t I? ive been to uni and gotten my undergrad, honours and masters degree in biomedical science and my next step is a PhD (hopefully) so it might seem normal, but it took me 6 years to get my bachelors because I failed so many papers and had to keep repeating them, eventually I obviously succeeded but it’s not normal right? I’ve been so depressed and anxious because of past events, I’m so ashamed and saddened and ugh. It’s so unfair that my struggles weren’t taken seriously. So unfair. I also struggle to finish things. And struggle to make deadlines, I often can’t, when I was writing my masters thesis I could never get good enough drafts for feedback from my supervisor because I couldn’t work quick enough because I was always distracted, my mind going a million miles and hour, not being able to concentrate on a paper for long enough to understand it. Not being able to comprehend concepts quick enough, I got through it but damn it was hard. ive never understood why I’ve struggled so much but if I’m adhd and I really think I am it would explain so much. Sexism is so subtly these days, the disadvantages we still face are so small but significant that unless you’re looking it’s easy to be like “women aren’t facing any differences to women now” ugh. oh trouble sleeping! My mind comes alive at night and i thought assumed it was anxiety. And compulsive thoughts and impulsivity.. I experience it all. Im hoping my doctor will try me on stratter without a formal diagnosis since it’s not a stimulant. I would be so wonderful to be able to get through a work day and start my PhD knowing I could concentrate properly and make deadlines and conclude projects. It would be so nice to have a quiet mind that would focus on one thing at a time. This really does suck. oh forgetfulness too, which I mean by verbal memory, I’ll think a thought about something I need to do and then 2 seconds later I’ll forget it. My words don’t align with my thoughts and I can’t communicate properly and this entire post is a mess so if anyone reads it, congratulations.
  18. I feel like ive tried everything but in truth I havent, ive tried 4 different SSRIs (escitalopram, citalopram, fluoxitine, sertraline) and venlafaxine, which none have really worked, though the first time on venlafaxine I felt good and less anxious and depressed almost instantly but the effect wore off and depression and anxiety are back. I think sertraline and citalopram were the worst, escitalopram just had no effect at all, and fluoxitine helped at the start but wore off. So i dont think SSRIs work for me, I could try a different SNRI, or the atypicals...? or a combination with bupropion and an SNRI. I dont know, i've been reading all the threads with the different meds and they're really not giving me much hope. I id really just like to be on a benzo high 24/7 but of course doctors dont really allow that anymore. So, im stuck being miserable. Im seeing my doctor on monday to talk about this. But I dont have much hope that whatever she prescribes will help. Have there been any life changing meds for you? I know we all react differently but I feel a little desprete right now. Whats even the point? Im too anxious and depressed to leave my house and interact with the world and im on 25mg venlafaxine, I may as well be on nothing. At least benzos make you feel good, I just want to feel good
  19. me too. I was considering this drug but all the weight gain and increased appetites has me turned off.
  20. what an interesting feed, im looking into mirtazipine since SSRIs havnt worked for me. Are you off mirt now and how long were you taking it @Sclemon?
  21. I am in the same boat, im going to my doc next week to talk ask about alternatives, I havent tried any atypical AD meds yet so maybe they will be different but yeah Im done with SSRIs/SNRIs, they seem to cause more problems than benefits.
  22. Yes I feel the same always returning back to the same feelings of misery. im just over it right, ive no idea what to do. Sorry you're feeling shitty as well. At least we're miserable together
  23. Thank you sharing in the misery is comforting, a helping hand is big when its needed
  24. Im trying, I feel your support through the screen I think im scared to hope as well, truly allowing myself to hope comes with a huge consequence of falling further than rock-bottom that I can't trust i'll be able to get back up, im trying im trying
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