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Everything posted by Charlee

  1. I'm thinking about the work I need to do today. I need to find a new audiobook to make the day more enjoyable. I cant help but be jealous of my cat, ive always been jealous of cats, always wished I had been born a cat rather than a human, they have a much easier and better life than we do, if they're lucky enough to have good caring owners that is.
  2. that sounds rotten! I dont like pumpkin spice anything either, a friend got me to try his chocolate beer.. also barf!
  3. its cold down here in the southern hemisphere, a bit windy, but clear skies
  4. This is why my p doc is pushing so hard for me to start therapy but I can't talk about it, I dont know if it was my fault or not, Im scared of sitting in front of someone and having to tell what happened and them saying that it was my fault. That happening again felt like a reinforcement that im not worth caring about, or worth getting to know, worth dating, or starting a friendship with. My ability to trust and any selfworth I had was already hanging by a thread, he shattered it. Im too scared to really connect with people again because im so afraid of getting hurt. Here is ok because we can take our time replying and there's no pressure to have meet ups and speaking behind a screen is another protective barrier. The loneliness kills me sometimes but the fear is greater. I dont know what to do with that now. Thanks for the support here. Im not really able to reply to people sometimes but I still like to check in and read your posts to see how your all doing
  5. Thanks epic, I wish I knew how to help myself
  6. Thanks for the reminder, I know it wasnt but I still feel like it was. This was hard enough to type out, I havent really told anyone irl what happened
  7. Thats so kind thank you made me tear up a little, I wish we could be friends irl
  8. Thanks Nightjar I haven't heard of her but I will look her up, Im pretty much willing to take any advice right now
  9. Had a pretty triggering day... I dont normally eat dinner (or any meal) at the table in the dinning room because, I dont know.. I dont like eating in front of other people but thats for another post) anyway, I was already triggered because of a work mishap, so as I was making dinner tonight what happened with work triggered these shitty feelings of being inadequate, not interesting enough, stupid, ugly, worthless. It seems a bit like 0-100 because something that wasn't my fault and to do with work rather than me personally triggered these shitty feelings. Im reminded all the time how much I hate myself, how uninteresting and stupid I am, so why would anyone else like me and want to talk to me? So that thought led to me remembering something... that when I met my r*st at a bar, I was slightly tipsy and on my way to being very drunk, he bought me a couple of drinks and told me I was really hot, I smiled and chatted for a bit and went back to my friend and told her and I was so happy that one person, who I didnt know was going to do a terrible thing then, thought I was hot. I feel like crying because even though he r* me, I was tonight, thinking that he must have been truthful in telling me I was hot or he wouldn't have dont that.... I feel like crying. How can I be thinking this? My self worth and self respect is so pitifully low that I'm taking the word of a r*st to try and make myself feel better. Lately I haven't been thinking about it or any of the other times I was r* because I can't handle it. I cant even type the word out anymore. It's too triggering and im so ****ing tired I just want a goddamn rest from feeling so shit. I want to be able to eat a meal with my flatmates like a normal person, instead I always hide in my room because my chain of thoughts above. I keep drilling into myself that im worthless and uninteresting so don't even bother to make friends etc. Blah, just feeling shitty. I want to escape, that pitiful girl isnt me.. those terrible things didn't happen to me, I'm removed from her and free and living the life I always wanted, uninhibited by these memories and feelings..... except I am her and I can never get away from it
  10. Sorry it took me so long to reply, sometimes I dont get notified of replies... Thanks, I think it was a bit of both, like @sober4life says, the dark rooms trigger me, as do being around lots of people, like supermarkets as well. I haven't been out much since that happened, not alone anyway.
  11. Hi @imokreally I experience this cycle too, ill be good for 3-6 months then the depression and anxiety hit and I stop working out and get too anxious to leave the house and my diet turns to shit and this will last months as well. I dont know how to fix it or stop it but its damn ****ing exhausting! Hang in there, at least we're not alone in this, I find that comforting if nothing else
  12. Oh I’m feeling a bit of this today, just like really spaced out and that my hearing was a bit off and I had trouble with balance, had a ringing in my ears. I couldn’t really comprehend a conversation properly, makes sense now because I started taking the 5HTP again two days ago thinking it would be fine. I won’t take 5HTP anymore while I’m taking two types of ADs
  13. that sounds really rough maybe its not the right med for you, even though 3 weeks is usually to-short-a-time to tell, but since your symptoms/side effects arent good, ive found when ive had side effects/symptoms like this on a new drug it never got better and made me feel worse the longer I was on it. I know the logical step form your docs POV is to increase the dose, but i've found increasing the dose of a drug that made me feel as badly as you describe, the increased dose only made me feel worse. I would stick it out and at least try the new dose but if its worse than this or not improved for a week or so more you should definitely talk about switching to another drug with your doc, there's so many out there now that you shouldn't have to suffer though and make one work. There will be a better one out there for you. Its all trial and error and that's so frustrating and tough on the body to be switching but if we're gonna take meds we should be on the ones that make us feel better not the same or worse. Have you noticed any improvement at all since starting the higher dose? Also, are you sleeping better on this? Ive read some take it for poor sleep
  14. @Dawne thanks for your reply I think there is a difference actually, i'm taking 15mg rameron and 75mg of venlafaxine but i'm not feeling suicidal anymore so that's definitely a change, I think I am starting to feel overall better, maybe, perhaps. (I never want to feel too confident because when I admit i'm feeling good I tend to feel really bad again, like my brain refuses to let me feel good or something!) yeah i'll stick with it, I can eat better and workout to try and remove any gained weight. I'm taking magnesium as well. Have you ever found the sleepiness effect wearing off? I've noticed sometimes it takes me a little longer to fall asleep and I've been waking up a lot during the night too. have your bm's been better?
  15. My mum talks to me constantly about the “dangers of the vaccine” and it’s exhausting to try and rebutt the bad science facts that keep being spread by non-scientists. But the more I look into it, the more confused I get. Some people have had pretty bad reactions to the vaccine, but then the adverse effects are worsened and more likely if you get covid so I guess my predicament is get the vaccine with a slight possibility of bad reasons or get covid and have a higher chance of long haul covid, myocarditis, everything else associated with it, and death. It’s exhausting I’m tired of it, tired of all the political bs surrounding it, whether there was political agenda or not, the virus doesn’t care. Even in NZ where the situation isn’t nearly as bad as other places, it’s hard here, and I feel for all of you in the US, Canada, the UK and all other terribly hit places At least we aren’t alone in this
  16. I know, my boss is really good and makes an effort in trying to help but there's only so much he can do. With work he can be understanding but you still have to produce the results right so what else is there. I dont know.
  17. my cat, and having a career goal. Meds and therapy have been eh in my experience, my cat and career are really my only reasons to carry on. Depression is always in the back though and she often makes her presence known
  18. ive just started this med, been about 2 weeks now, I started straight on 15mg, being able to sleep has been so so great, I can usually sleep now straight away, before I was lying awake for hours and hours. I have noticed restless leg has worsened and I'm feeling a little more restless during the day though which i dont like so I might talk to my doc about that... I havent experienced diarrhea, I think its making me a little constipated.... it has changed from my normal bm which is another problem I dont wanna deal with. I dont think its helping with depression as much as id hoped either, and I think it is making me gain weight as well which ugh its just a big fat no no. but being able to sleep... I dont know how to help with your question really, I guess you have to ask yourself whether the bm discomforts are more troubling than being able to sleep is worth? ill stick with this for a little longer and hope my body evens its self out, but if it makes me gain a lot of weight like it appears for most people than that will outweigh being able to sleep for me, esp since its not really helping with depression or anxiety either. I think its making me feel slow and sluggish as well. Do you find that?
  19. I'm the same, its so hard for me to accept that I need help and can't fix it all on my own, and that needing help doesn't make me weak or pathetic or whatever i've decided needing help dose... I'm still working through these stigmas i've created. It's really hard, but completing collage is an awesome accomplishment! esp when dealing with mental health issues. I got through uni and grad school while dealing with a lot too so congratulate yourself whenever you can. You got this
  20. I actually have to get some work done today. Being stuck at home always triggers a depression, but despite having fragile mental health I have to remind myself how lucky I am and how much privilege I have. To be living in a free country where I have almost the same opportunities as a white male my age... Growing up and hearing of the hardships and horrors in the places like the middle-east, Africa, South America. I've always known how incredibly lucky I was to have been born in New Zealand. I never even knew that women and men weren't "equal" until adult hood. But in saying this, I have always felt devalued in my struggles because I took on the belief that "there's always someone who's got it worse" so I'm reminding myself of my privilege while also validating my own struggles. Feeling like you're not suffering enough to need help or are "to privileged" to suffer is a struggle in itself.
  21. I know the treatment of cows is absolutely disgusting, I care a lot about it and stay away from meat and dairy because of it. Sometimes I feel like Im the only person that cares, sorry your cow died
  22. Back in lockdown again its disheartening but I've gotta keep reminding myself that its only temporary. It just sucks having to work from home again and change my work schedule and not be able to do the lab work I need yet again. mental health is eh, guess ill be alright
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