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Posts posted by Charlee

  1. I'm not ok and im tired of pretending. I'm so tired of this life, I wish I could just say goodbye for good but I wont because I still have hope that there's somehow something out there that will help me feel better. I can't face anything, I can't talk about anything. I dont think i'll ever be able to so i'll have to figure out how to move forward by extinguishing my past. Anyone know of a memory wiping drug out there? If there was one that existed that I could use I would gladly take it.

  2. 4 hours ago, sober4life said:

    Let's face it when I decided to get the roof I decided to stay here which is good but it's also going to be very difficult.  Maybe it was my only choice but I like it here and nobody is tough enough to take this place from me.  I will be gone from the 17th to the at least the 24th dealing with this.  I won't have access of any kind for that whole week.

    Strong-ass woman making big decisions and standing up for what you need (is what I think you are) is what I aspire to be. Good luck I hope it goes smoothly ❤️

  3. 9 hours ago, Nightjar said:

    I am exhausted. Doing stuff is making me feel sick 😬 I need complete rest. All I did today was bathe and hoover the car and it was too much for me.... 

    bathing and hoovering (I call it vacuuming) is an acomplishment! Daily tasks are so hard and packing up your house must feel so overwhelming and that you don't know where to start.. I remember feeling the same way when I was helping mum pack up our family home when she sold it a few years ago. Hopefully itl get easier.. do you have any help from friend or someone other than your mum?

    Wishing you rest today ❤️


  4. On 9/14/2021 at 7:04 AM, iWantRope said:

    If any DFers manage to not only be currently employed but stay so for more than 3 months, kindly share how you manage to accomplish this. 

    I honestly wonder this too, how do people move through life, do their jobs, show up daily and get promotions? Like HOW?!

  5. 11 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

    I grew up in a traditional (well, for my generation, that is) household with mom as the bad cop and dad as the good cop.  Dad would take us out every Sunday to our favorite bookstore (!) (there was one downtown, when "downtowns" in the Midwest still existed) where each of us was allowed to choose one book to read that week. The shop had wooden floors and the sound of foot traffic on those floors is such a pleasant memory.  Then he'd take us to Dairy Queen where, even at such a young age, we'd fallen into routines with our favorite ice cream treats.

    I have some happy memories of my childhood, but just as many or more anxiety-ridden, angry, "You'd  BETTER NOT not slam that door!" ones, too.  And, when the estrogen tsunami hit me at age 11, mom would say lovely things like "If you didn't eat so much we wouldn't have to buy you new clothes."  God!  Just slam a person at the beginning of profound physical and emotional changes. Sheesh. I think mothers can be particularly cruel to daughters.  At least mine was to one of my sisters and me.  I don't think parents can help but have children they like better than others, though they swear they love you all equally.  I remember saying to my younger brother one afternoon on the city bus home from high school: "Mom has been a lot nicer lately, hasn't she?"  I didn't equate it with her beginning to work outside the home my senior year.  Until then, it seemed like she was trapped in a role unsuited to who she was at the time.  I told her this recently on a walk down memory lane and she seemed sorry for it.  At any rate,  In comparing notes with my siblings over the years, I'm convinced that the five of us each had a different set of parents than the others.

    I love book stores too and can spend hours in there just browsing. Books always bring me comfort even though reading them can be overwhelming sometimes too, thinking will I ever finish it?

    I also talked with my older sister not long ago about about this and we both had different feelings and memories of the same up-bringing. I was surprised to hear she felt like she was never loved by mum because I never felt that way, but I know her moods and decided my behaviour on them and always tried to please her. I always thought I had a great childhood but I’m seeing now that I’ve carried scares from it into adulthood like we all have and it would be impossible not to 

  6. I didn’t get much sleep again, tossing and turning all night and then awake from 4am (7.30am now). But at least I didn’t have a nightmare. A community mental health worker is meant to be calling me later but I’m not sure how helpful she’ll be, and it’s kind of awkward talking on the phone with all my flatmates around. My friend told me to be brutally honest with her about all I’m feeling but I don’t know her/how qualified she is/what she can do to help/what she’d do with the information/her reaction would be. I’m to scared of the unknown and hurt from the past to trust so I’ll keep holding back and therefore being stuck in this forever swamp of misery 

  7. 10 hours ago, Nightjar said:

    Thanks Charlie. It sounds like you're really going through it at the moment. I think it's pretty impossible for me to say what the psych ward would be like for you.... I'm guessing they are all different and constantly changing patients 🤷‍♀️ It's been 20 years since I've been in so I'm even less likely to know what it's like... From my experience the positives were the fellow patients I bonded with in there and the negatives were the compulsory medication and noise. I can't say I felt the doctors did much that seemed to help me but that was me and my situation. Everyone is different. 

    If you do go in, keep in touch and best of luck with that job application 🍀

    I’m getting mixed opinions from others about it as well, I’d hope psychiatry would be better from 20 years ago but I know science moves slowly and psych even slower! If I do I’ll update, though I think I’m to scared to do it cuz I don’t know what will happen and my view of a psych ward is from of the 60s from that movie with Angelina Jolie and .. (can’t remember the name of the film or the main actress) 

  8. I feel I’m in a daze too, at the bottom of a giant mountain that keeps getting bigger as I look up, then I feel to overwhelmed and can’t face it. But then I’m like am I nursing all this pain because I don’t know how to live without it? But then, opposite opposite, am I trying to convince myself that the pain I’m feeling isn’t real/over indulgence by thinking I’m making it worse for myself by not being able to even start tackling it? Guess I need a therapist to unpack that

    Tricky with your therapist situation, (insensitive scientist tho 😄) I felt like my old one was the same/she was being arrogant and trying to exert control and the “I’m qualified I know better than you so shut up and do what I say” attitude 😬

    Sorry about your friend, maybe you were just in the wrong place in your life/healing journey for the relationship to work? I think about that sometimes, (without trying to lessen the hurt factor)

    14 hours ago, mrrd117711 said:

    The problem for me is people like the 2nd comment random people on internet can say whatever they want. So I keep some stuff vague or am protective. Sometimes all you have to do is survive. I knew that there was people who after many years come out doing better. PTSD can last for so long it’s kinda messed up. I just had to fight through it no matter what happened. The problem is traumas can keep happening.

    I’m trying to just keep surviving, getting to the place where I can see a future beyond this is where I wanna be. 
    (I also thought that second comment was odd..)  

  9. 6 hours ago, Bbqdad said:

    try to run but I can't get away. THEN I learned to not run, but FLY. You can fly in these dreams. Give it a try. Just pretend like you are on a winged horse

    Interesting tactic, I’ll give it a try. Sometimes I’m lucid and trying to wake myself up so I’m slipping in and out of the dream. I’ve never been able to control my dreams before though 

  10. Talking is like the hardest thing ever for me. I cant open up, I cant face anything, its like if I dont say these things outloud then they didnt happen, or if I dont tell people who are trained to help Ill be safe or idk, im trying to keep myself self by running and pretending they didnt happen but I know they did. Nothing about life or this world makes me feel safe, I guess my subconcious is telling me I cant run anymore

    One day hopefully ill be able to seclude myself in my own home with animals like you've done, I read someones comment on here about the pure innocent love of animals, they keep you safe, people dont

  11. 1 hour ago, Epictetus said:

    The dreaded dental procedure I feared has been moved up to tomorrow.  I am sitting here trying to distract myself while I stew in my own anxiety juices.  Laser gum surgery tomorrow and follow up appointments in two weeks and then in a month, another month, six months. 

    I need to be on a liquid diet for at least four days.  Am supposed to live on smoothies.  Not having tried smoothies, I bought a Ninja food processor blender and have all the ingredients to make smoothies now. I was expecting to have about a month to learn how to do it but I will have to learn as I go now.  Commercial smoothies have too much sugar.

    After all the dental pain I had this year, I am not exactly jumping for joy at the prospect of getting more dental work. 

    Hugs to everyone.

    I need the dentist but cant afford it and am to scared of the cost and surgery ill need. Hope it goes well and the smoothy making takes off. Ive found really delicious combinations of fruit and raw veggies (apple + celery + spinach, orange + pineapple were my favorite) when I was going down the path of "raw vegan" a few years ago

  12. 23 hours ago, mrrd117711 said:

    Idk if anyone has had their therapy tell them they couldn’t see them anymore

    My last therapist was also really bad for me and dumped me too and that relationship put me off finding a new therapist.

    I've also experienced the loss of a breakup from a best friend that I was really close too in my teens, and i've never really been able to connect with others in the same way since.

    Glad you're starting to accept your PTSD..  I cant deal with mine and/or don't know how.

  13. Lately i've been having terrible dreams that I cant escape from, and when I wake up I fall back asleep into the same dream. I cant describe them because they are so disturbing. Sometimes its about r*, sometimes its about a non scary life situation but in every dream I cant escape from whatever is happening, I keep trying to run away but I cant run and I find myself going in circles and ending up in some scene that I can't get out of and I always remember the same feeling of dread and fear and panic that whatever dream im in will be how ill die. But the dream always ends before I do.

    I wish they would stop 😞

  14. On 9/11/2021 at 10:51 AM, Nightjar said:

    You can keep in touch with us if you do and we will continue to support you. If you think it may help, why not? Or maybe go home for a bit?? 

    Hugs :hugs:

    Thanks nightjar ❤️

    I couldnt make the decision, it feels to big and scary, and I dont know what will happen I don't know if it will help. I told my friend how badly ive been doing and she's called a few times to check on me so thats been nice. Last week I took 20 lorazepam (not at once!) but over a few days.. I sort of almost OD'd but not really. I wasnt trying to, I just wanted to escape me head and my thoughts for a few moments. I have this work application I need to put in and im telling myself once ive put it in ill call the hospital and say I think im a danger to myself so they can take the reigns for a bit.. life is too overwhelming, im not sure if I want to die I dont think I do, im just sad and helpless and scared and I dont know what sort of help I need but know I need it but I cant give it to myself. I can't do it anymore. Ive thought of going home for a bit but my city is currently in lockdown and my mum lives in another city so I cant travel atm.

    So, another dreary day. I didnt sleep much last night and I keep having nightmares that I cant wake up from and when I do I fall back asleep into them.. they're pretty intense and scary and way to messed up and triggering to describe on here. Im a helpless mess. 

    Also, congrats on selling your house! I hope staying with your mum isnt too dreadful.. 🙂

  15. hey, Im on 75mg Effexor and 15mg mirtazapine, its going ok, though Im still feeling a lot of depression and anxiety, my doc is going to push me up slowly to 150mg of effexor but keep me on 15mg mirt because that does helps me sleep. Shes recently given me 1mg lorazapem for anxiety. Si I cant really answer your question, maybe when my dose increases of effexor ill feel the "California rocket fuel" effect i've read about too. Idk, but youre not alone in this battle 🙂


  16. aw ive never taken clonazepam, do you take it at night? Would it help the anxiety the following day? Lorazepam just relaxes my whole body and mind and I dont feel so anxious, I had a pretty good day today in the end, I even ate in dinner with my flatmates and chatted and I never do that. Why can this drug not be apart of my regular cocktail 😞

  17. On 9/3/2021 at 11:10 PM, anon22ae said:

    Sometimes you find torn-off fingernails in nooses used for suicides, apparently indicating a futile final attempt by the victim to save their own life. Does it really all become clear with one second left to live?

    I dont know, I dont buy into that, sure maybe people do really regret it at the last second, but i think youre really really sure if youve made your plan and said your goodbyes, if your having doubts then thats what you should stop and turn around and go back. Obviously its not as easy and simple as that because emotions and adrenaline come in, it never is. Finding finger nails in nooses would be pretty airy... that wouldnt be my choice to do it

  18. 18 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

    I wonder if I'll ever stop causing myself pain with bad habits.  Will I ever learn to accept myself?  Will I ever stop criticizing myself?  Will I ever stop the habitual fear?  I'm far too old for this.  I've been in and out of therapy for years.  I figure if I don't know which way is up by now, I'll never know.


    17 hours ago, sober4life said:

    I know how you feel. I feel the same way. All the habits I've ever had I would tell myself this is to feel better but I always knew it was meant more as self sabotage.  Have I ever felt better afterward?  It's a cycle for me sure I would love to feel better but sadly I would like to finish myself off more.  I've never wanted to be here and nothing has ever made it so I did want to be here.  I'm a lost soul and a lost cause.

    I wonder the same things and know how you both feel. Ive developed some self-sabotaging habits that work as a comfort and safety for me in the moment but make me feel worse afterwards. The cycle continues. I developed these habits in highschool and then throughout the twenties, maybe if we had been given a better mental health education in school we wouldnt feel like such disabled adults 😞

    Im in such a negative way of thinking, apperantly I need to unlearn it all and relearn a more positive way of thinking... I will try again. or the enivetiable will be the only option. My resilence thats gotten me this far is waivering, so one more big push to change. One more, theres things I want to achieve in my career, and ive still got my dear old poppy so I cant go while shes still alive. So one more push it is.

    But how does one unlearn and then relearn their way of thinking? How can I change my bad habits? I have panic attacks if I cant use one behaviour...ive a lot to work on. Hopefully I can do it. One last push. Hopefully if it turns out like I want then that will continues to motivate me to keep pushing. One last push 🤞🤞

    That went a bit dark.. but was what was on my mind rn 😬

  19. 14 hours ago, sober4life said:

    I don't think anything has ever helped me.  I'm a magnet for the same type of people over and over.  That's the worst part.  People see me as an easy target and pretend to be my friend so they can get what they want from me.  I guess the only real way is to continue to cut myself off from society.  Sure there are good people or so I've been told but I'm tired of trying to find them.

    I attract these sorts too and its so difficult to know if they genuinely are interested in you or if they have an agenda. I cant tell the difference so I end up in bad situations. I feel the only way to avoid this is to cut myself off from society too. I know not all people are bad but my ability to distinguish between has been burnt along with the ability to trust.


    13 hours ago, mrrd117711 said:

    learning to forgive people and also high standards. I always knew I had to forgive people as well as myself. I just don’t know when that day will happen. I also have high standards which some people will get defensive and think that means I’m trying to sound better than them. It just means I want things to be as good as possible. 

    I think this is ok, we should have high standards, weve all been hurt and used and manipulated so need standards so we dont get those people again. I know I need to forgive those of the post and forgive  myself for my part in it.. I dont want to forgive anyone, except myself.. I think I deserve to be forgiven, but they dont. So cant you move on and heal without forgiving them? I do not know. I don't know.

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