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Everything posted by Charlee

  1. Talking is like the hardest thing ever for me. I cant open up, I cant face anything, its like if I dont say these things outloud then they didnt happen, or if I dont tell people who are trained to help Ill be safe or idk, im trying to keep myself self by running and pretending they didnt happen but I know they did. Nothing about life or this world makes me feel safe, I guess my subconcious is telling me I cant run anymore One day hopefully ill be able to seclude myself in my own home with animals like you've done, I read someones comment on here about the pure innocent love of animals, they keep you safe, people dont
  2. I need the dentist but cant afford it and am to scared of the cost and surgery ill need. Hope it goes well and the smoothy making takes off. Ive found really delicious combinations of fruit and raw veggies (apple + celery + spinach, orange + pineapple were my favorite) when I was going down the path of "raw vegan" a few years ago
  3. My last therapist was also really bad for me and dumped me too and that relationship put me off finding a new therapist. I've also experienced the loss of a breakup from a best friend that I was really close too in my teens, and i've never really been able to connect with others in the same way since. Glad you're starting to accept your PTSD.. I cant deal with mine and/or don't know how.
  4. It's gotten worse and more scary for me I get this, and then I get panicky and anxious and have to do bad things to make it stop.. but it doesnt really stop. The next day it happens again and the cycle continues. I hope my mind moves on one day
  5. Lately i've been having terrible dreams that I cant escape from, and when I wake up I fall back asleep into the same dream. I cant describe them because they are so disturbing. Sometimes its about r*, sometimes its about a non scary life situation but in every dream I cant escape from whatever is happening, I keep trying to run away but I cant run and I find myself going in circles and ending up in some scene that I can't get out of and I always remember the same feeling of dread and fear and panic that whatever dream im in will be how ill die. But the dream always ends before I do. I wish they would stop
  6. Thanks nightjar I couldnt make the decision, it feels to big and scary, and I dont know what will happen I don't know if it will help. I told my friend how badly ive been doing and she's called a few times to check on me so thats been nice. Last week I took 20 lorazepam (not at once!) but over a few days.. I sort of almost OD'd but not really. I wasnt trying to, I just wanted to escape me head and my thoughts for a few moments. I have this work application I need to put in and im telling myself once ive put it in ill call the hospital and say I think im a danger to myself so they can take the reigns for a bit.. life is too overwhelming, im not sure if I want to die I dont think I do, im just sad and helpless and scared and I dont know what sort of help I need but know I need it but I cant give it to myself. I can't do it anymore. Ive thought of going home for a bit but my city is currently in lockdown and my mum lives in another city so I cant travel atm. So, another dreary day. I didnt sleep much last night and I keep having nightmares that I cant wake up from and when I do I fall back asleep into them.. they're pretty intense and scary and way to messed up and triggering to describe on here. Im a helpless mess. Also, congrats on selling your house! I hope staying with your mum isnt too dreadful..
  7. I’m considering checking myself into the psych ward, I’m really really depressed, things aren’t good right now and I don’t know what to do
  8. not good, sad, deflated, scared, anxious, alone. a community mental health worker has reached out to me but I didnt answer because I dont feel like talking, even though I know I need so much help. I dont know how to accept help. I cant do it. I cant do this life. Sorry to hear @ladysmurf I hope youre ok now
  9. hey, Im on 75mg Effexor and 15mg mirtazapine, its going ok, though Im still feeling a lot of depression and anxiety, my doc is going to push me up slowly to 150mg of effexor but keep me on 15mg mirt because that does helps me sleep. Shes recently given me 1mg lorazapem for anxiety. Si I cant really answer your question, maybe when my dose increases of effexor ill feel the "California rocket fuel" effect i've read about too. Idk, but youre not alone in this battle
  10. aw ive never taken clonazepam, do you take it at night? Would it help the anxiety the following day? Lorazepam just relaxes my whole body and mind and I dont feel so anxious, I had a pretty good day today in the end, I even ate in dinner with my flatmates and chatted and I never do that. Why can this drug not be apart of my regular cocktail
  11. I dont know, I dont buy into that, sure maybe people do really regret it at the last second, but i think youre really really sure if youve made your plan and said your goodbyes, if your having doubts then thats what you should stop and turn around and go back. Obviously its not as easy and simple as that because emotions and adrenaline come in, it never is. Finding finger nails in nooses would be pretty airy... that wouldnt be my choice to do it
  12. I wonder the same things and know how you both feel. Ive developed some self-sabotaging habits that work as a comfort and safety for me in the moment but make me feel worse afterwards. The cycle continues. I developed these habits in highschool and then throughout the twenties, maybe if we had been given a better mental health education in school we wouldnt feel like such disabled adults Im in such a negative way of thinking, apperantly I need to unlearn it all and relearn a more positive way of thinking... I will try again. or the enivetiable will be the only option. My resilence thats gotten me this far is waivering, so one more big push to change. One more, theres things I want to achieve in my career, and ive still got my dear old poppy so I cant go while shes still alive. So one more push it is. But how does one unlearn and then relearn their way of thinking? How can I change my bad habits? I have panic attacks if I cant use one behaviour...ive a lot to work on. Hopefully I can do it. One last push. Hopefully if it turns out like I want then that will continues to motivate me to keep pushing. One last push That went a bit dark.. but was what was on my mind rn
  13. I attract these sorts too and its so difficult to know if they genuinely are interested in you or if they have an agenda. I cant tell the difference so I end up in bad situations. I feel the only way to avoid this is to cut myself off from society too. I know not all people are bad but my ability to distinguish between has been burnt along with the ability to trust. I think this is ok, we should have high standards, weve all been hurt and used and manipulated so need standards so we dont get those people again. I know I need to forgive those of the post and forgive myself for my part in it.. I dont want to forgive anyone, except myself.. I think I deserve to be forgiven, but they dont. So cant you move on and heal without forgiving them? I do not know. I don't know.
  14. I stopped caring for my plants cuz they were making me feel to overwhelmed, so some of them died. But I think I’ve been able to rescues two of them and I’ve repotted them so hopefully they’ll make a come back. Hopefully my mental health will make a come back too
  15. I got given lorazepam again thankfully I’m at a very low point again, I know it’s not smart to abuse benzos and I haven’t been given enough to do that, but right now I wish they could take me away in the floaty heaven they provide
  16. That’s huge sober congratulations she would of been, we are proud of you too
  17. I feel depressed and sad today, no energy to get out of bed, I’ll probably spend all weekend in bed, oh well
  18. Same, I don’t feel the joy i once did in the hobby’s used to enjoy so I don’t do them anymore, because like JD said.. what’s the point
  19. I experience this too, particularly when im having a flash back, my body gets random violent jolts, like im rejecting the flashback and to make it go away. My sleep too is also poor, im taking Remeron now but sometimes im still waking up during the night, but its really been helping me sleep. Before I started it I wasnt sleeping before 3 am most nights. I still have nightmares tho but at least most nights im getting some sleep. PTSD is a bitch and im sorry youre struggling. Im a loner too, so hi fellow its difficult and I dont know a way through but most of the time im im too scared and panicky and depressed and anxious to function, but im still here and ill offer my support on here when I can! What are you taking now? I think maybe im starting to find a good combination that works for me, hopefully, my thoughts arent as racy anymore so thats something at least
  20. i'll try, I hate my image tho, its confronting, ill try
  21. Thanks for saying that, Im trying, I am, I know I need therapy to help me help myself, Im just not ready yet and too terrified of having to talk about it and yeah. I know I should of but I didnt report it after it happened because I was ashamed, afraid, humiliated... it happened when I was a teen too and my experience with the cops then wasn't great so this time I retreated, and I was (and still am) afraid of him finding out I reported him. Im just really scared and dont know how to get over the fear. Its so hard to believe anything good about me now... I was different before any of it happened, I had friends, I went out, I spoke to people, I wasnt so scared all the time. Now I have frequent panic attacks from just going to the supermarket and I dont feel safe around anyone. Its really hard, and its so hard to admit how much im struggling and how much help I need, and to then ask for that help. Thank you for your words, he was the bad one, not me, ill keep reminding myself this.
  22. Im sorry you're a survivor too I feel this statement tho, I know how cruel I am to myself and id never ever let a friend say these things to me, or me say it to a friend... I really try to recognize how cruel I am to myself but at the same time I feel apathetic towards me. Its so hard to be in a body that I feel hate towards.. hopefully one day i'll be able to learn to love myself, but that feels so far off and impossible. Thanks for thinking of me, I have looked for groups but id be too anxious and scared to go.. I really try but im so limited
  23. I wanted to post a positive effect of mirtazapine since most topics on here are negative! I've been on 15mg for 3 weeks now I think, and its allowing me to fall asleep straight away and get about 10-12 hours and that has been so good. I love it, just been able to sleep for the first time in my life has been like holy crap. I don't think its helped with anxiety and depression but the sleepiness effect is fabulous and makes my body feel a whole lot better. Though I do feel a little spacey during the day sometimes, but being able to sleep for now out-weighs any bad effect. I havent noticed much change in appetite, but Im also taking 75mg venlafaxine so that could be keeping my appetite more stable. Im not sure, maybe I am slightly hungrier but I dont wake up ravenous like some of you describe. However, I'm still depressed and anxious so the only benefit im finding IMO is being able to sleep. And for now that is good enough for me. I can finally use sleep to escape crappy feelings.
  24. I'm sort of anti-keto and a pro-carber, not processed food but I eat a lot of potato and veggies and legums. I don't eat meat, dairy, eggs or fish so keto wouldn't work for me. (I'm essentially a vegan) eating too much fat and oil I don't like either, and I don't really like avocado or whatever other high fat veg/foods there is. Its really great its worked for you but I don't think it would for me. Ive done a lot of research into food and diet and everything (and i'm a scientist!) so my opinion would be that its worked for you because you've cut out all processed and junk foods. Which makes sense as to why you're feeling better. I always feel a lot better when I don't eat junk and other crap either. But for me, diet alone doesn't help, i've tried. My depression and anxiety is pretty bad, maybe ill never be able to feel better, I don't know, I struggle to care enough about myself to help and I think i believe I don't deserve help either - which is a topic ill have to explore in therapy when i'm ready for it. I'm glad you've been able to make it work for you and that you don't suffer anymore
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