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Everything posted by Charlee

  1. As I read this all I was thinking was "OMG I am not the only one!!!" I am like that when in public or at work with colleges and people I dont know very well, sometimes I've nothing to reply when people ask me questions, I shrug or give short answers like "yeah" "ok" "im good" and then I run away thinking "omg everyone must think im such a stupid idiot, like who cant talk or communicate properly like a normal person"? It's embarrassing and frustrating and has lead me to stay at home and not go out with anyone, I'm just to anxious otherwise. You're not the only one, hopefully knowing that makes you feel a tiny bit better
  2. Im not in law, but trying to make it into the science/academia world which I imagine is just as demanding and expecting and as much pressure and just no room for mental illness to come along and dictate your days, making you unable to do the amount of work you normally would (or makes you question your ability to do so). Totally get it, i've no idea how to cope, all I do is survive one day to live the next. All I think about is getting my work done so I can come home and get stoned, I know it's not the best way to cope, but atm its all I got. Sorry you're going through this, you're not alone, hopefully its passes soon
  3. I did talk to him, but I told him straight that I wanted to come off these, that they are making my mind have intense chaotic and suicidal thoughts so yeah, and he didn’t prescribe me anything thing else but I did I wasn’t going to take them anyway, I just look my last one today, and no crazy intense thoughts anymore or no wanting to **** myself. Those drugs were making me go insane and I am never ever taking an SSRI or other antidepressant again
  4. You should definitely go to the doctor, you can’t go too long without sleeping, sorry that you’re having to go through it
  5. I’ve decided to come off my SSRIs because I think they are making me worse, so that should help the depression (hopefully) and I’ve only just been prescribed lorazepam for anxiety, so I hope this will help because I don’t know what else to do, I’ve not been coping very well the last few months thanks for the support
  6. I feel you, I'm also locked in this trap, its crazy and ive no idea how to stop it or help myself, I hope you feel better and dont have to struggle with this for too much longer xx
  7. I'm on Lex and have been for 3 years now, and I hate it, it was good at first, but this entire year ive been so depressed and anxious and as bad as I was before I went on lex, so im coming off it now, hope you can find a better one that works for you, I hate SSRIs and I dont want to be on any at all.
  8. I want to recover from this bs. I cant live like this anymore, getting so depressed that I don't want to live anymore, the other night as I was driving home from work and I was mentally writing my suicide note. I don't want to **** myself but my mind is that ****ed up right now that that is where its going! like what the ****?! HELP. My anxiety is through the roof, I'm scared of talking to new people at work, I'm scared of talking to new people anywhere, I am terrified of anyone and everything, I can't live like this anymore. I'm so over it! I'm over being scared, I'm over being so low, I am just so over this and I want a way out. I don't know how to get better, I don't know how to help myself. I do not know what to do.
  9. Also feel this, I've always been on the outside too, always found it hard to make friends and feel liked/accepted. You're not alone, even if we are on opposite sides of the world xx
  10. Really ****ing sad and hopeless and like nothing will ever get better. Im so sad it seems unbearable right now and I dont even know why im so sad. I don know why depression and anxiety have hit me so hard this year. I dont know why things feel so awful and unbearable right now. Im just so ****ing sad :(
  11. I don't feel strong, I feel weak and pathetic and just sad. I feel like things will never get better and this is just how life is gonna be till I die, I'm just sad :(
  12. Yeah Im on meds atm but feel like they aren't doing their job anymore, I went to the doc to see about changing them or stopping them altogether but he wants to discuss with my therapist first. And thanks, this forum is fab and is there when you need it x
  13. Hi @idkusername465 Uhh the tag line was just there when I began writing the post maybe its a new thing? Yeah, thanks its nice knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way, even if it feels like it
  14. I am so depressed and anxious lately, I can't escape these negative thoughts or panic feelings, I cant go out, I cant work, I can do nothing. I feel like a failure, like my life has been a waste and that I'm worthless, ugly, fat, disgusting, dumb, that I cant do it. These words circle round my head constantly all day, everyday. I cant get away. Ive started therapy because I've tried everything to help myself and not need therapy, but I do and I cant help myself, and I know I'm in a really bad place right now and there's nothing I can do to help myself out, I cant crawl out of this. And death feels like the only way. Im aware of how depressing and hopeless this message sounds, and I do not want to die. I want to get better and live a life of freedom. That feels impossible.
  15. How do you move on from depression and "recover"? Will it always be apart of my life? I dont want to be depressed anymore, I dont want it to hinder my life, I dont want to be staying home everyday and missing out on career opportunities and friend/relationship opportunities because of my best pal depression. So how do you get better? or even start to get better? Do you try to fight him, or accept him? But what does accepting him mean? Letting depression in and completely rule your life? Is that the only way to move on? I guess he completely rules my life now anyway, but what about fighting him? is that ignoring him and pretending he's not there? or, idk. I just want to get better and move on, I dont want anymore relapses, but I always do, depression always finds me and welcomes me back with open arms, maybe he's just to comforting, do you guys feel that too? I just wish I wasn't depressed and that his black spidering hands never found me
  16. Ive been on Lexapro for 2 and a half years now and I feel like its time to come off and that they've done their job and all they can do for me. I haven't had any horrible side effects (except the no sex drive) but I want to move on with my life and not be depressed anymore, and I feel like staying on these drugs will stop me from moving on and taking the identity of "not depressed anymore/recovery" BUT im also not having that great of a time atm, for the last month really, so maybe when im not doing so good its best to not come off them, but how will I ever come off them? I just want to be better and not depressed anymore and Im sick of being on anti-depressants, I don't want to be on them forever!
  17. @jayb1233 absolutely, they're so underrated and such life saviours, its a privilege to share your life with one and have such a high bond. Im doing ok, still haven't left the house much, some days I can, but some days I get up and get ready and am about to leave but I get all this anxiety and cant. But aside from that, I'm ok . Im also trying to decide if I should come off mine now because I feel like they've done their job and all they can, but then I also feel like it would be stupid to stop them when im not in a "good" phase. IDK. Feels lol, hope you're ok
  18. @nojoy of course you can!! @CoffeeAddict103 We will be ok maybe if we can tell ourselves this enough times we can believe it, thats my hope anyway
  19. -a journal entry I wrote to myself when I was in a bit of a state and needed to calm down and breathe, but I wanted to share incase someone needs to read this today- Accept what has happened and move on. Its all in the past, that's not you anymore. Its not your fault what they did, and its not their fault for how you are reacting and living now. Let it all go, you are better, you are enough, and you control your own life, not them, you. You don't need to numb yourself anymore, let yourself feel and accept what is going on, and then let it go and move on. You dont need to hold on anymore, just let go, you will be ok. Take a deep breath, focus on where you are and what is happening in that moment in time, be present and enjoy the process. Everything will be ok. You are ok, Feel the pain, accept it and move on. You are powerful, your life is in your control. You have all the basics of living a good life, you can pay your rent, you can eat, and you are safe. And right now that is enough, You don't need your degree to be happy and satisfied, because it will never be enough. You are enough as you are. You are enough. - I've had a really rough time accepting what's happened in the past and it has largely controlled my life now, and I know that what happened wasn't my fault it was theirs, but I also know that its not their fault for how I am living today. And that is a really hard thing to accept, but if you are in the same boat as me, know that it wasn't your fault, and you have the strength to accept it and move on. They dont dictate or control you anymore, you are free (And I am never giving them their names back, they dont deserve to be recognised in my life anymore) Charlee xx
  20. Sorry guys for not replying, I got really busy with work (I work from home and in the office if I can get there). @MarkintheDark @jayb1233I do have a furry companion, I have a ragdoll cat called poppy, whos my best friend and has been with me for 7 years, and at my worst, she honestly saved me because the one and only time ive ever been suicidal, she came to mind and I couldn't do it because I couldnt leave her, how could I trust that shed be ok in someone else's s care? She's really kept me going, and is my most loyal friend and knows my moods and won't leave my side if im upset or really stressed. I really couldn't cope without her, and that scares me because I know she wont be around forever. Going home to her is the highlight of my day, and feeling her weight next to me at night is my biggest comfort. I believe furry friends are so important when you're so vulnerable
  21. Feel, feel, feel!! Almost described my relationship with food to a T. I binge and I binge and I binge and I feel horrible afterwards and want to make myself throw up (I don't tho, I'm not bulimic) but I just keep going, every morning I wake up telling myself that this is the day ill stop but all day ill be thinking about the food, then ill buy it after work and thats me done. Ive come to giving up, I've tried so many times, for short periods of time ive been able to stop and able to stay at a healthy weight but I always start again for some reason or another. Always. The binge beast has dug her claws in deep and is apparently never going away.
  22. @MaepleSyrup @jayb1233 @Oscar K @Epictetus Aww thanks guys you're all so kind :') so I am on meds (escitalopram) and have been for around 2.5 years, but I haven't done any therapy because it scares the crap out of me and I feel like I can work it all out by myself (but now coming to the understanding that I cannot). I have really bad coping mechanisms, When I'm stuck deep in and really bad I can't do anything but stay in bed watching TV, I cant workout or go to work, I cant really even talk to anyone who cares about me, I just stay in that silent hell until I can manage to pull myself out. The longest its ever lasted has been about 8 months, that was 2016, and I was a student at the time and I almost had to leave uni and I almost got fired from my job too. So its been a bit of a struggle, these last 4 weeks have been really bad (2016 bad) and I don't want to lose everything I've built so far so I need to find a way out now, im really trying, yesterday and today I left the house and went to the library to do some work, which is the first time ive been able to leave unnecessarily in 4 weeks, so thats progress for me and im proud of myself for the small win :) Im glad I join here and posted my first post, its helped me take the first step I needed to, to start climbing out :) and @Epictetus thats fuuny and cool, NZ is a fab little country and Ive loved living and growing up here and I honestly dont think ill move countries ever, tho I do want to do extensive travel one day!
  23. I’ve been on lexapro for over 2 years now, same dose (10mgs) and I have no sex drive at all. I’ve had sex a few times these last few years but I don’t enjoy it like I used to and tbh would rather not do it. I assume this is a side effect of the drug (but I was raped a few years back so it could be that also) but everything works down there and I’ve been able to orgasm, but it doesn’t feel that great Idk, it’s hard to say, I feel like I’m more sensitive down there, but it seems to hurt more rather than be pleasurable, idk!
  24. Hello, Im new here and I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for 10 years now. Ive been trying to think back to how it all started and why I become depressed in the first place but I honestly done know. Ive always been an anxious and shy kid, but not to the point of where it was a ever a problem like it is today. As you all know I'm sure, it comes in cycles and can last from a week to months at a time, sometimes you can point out the trigger and sometimes you can't. Im in a cycle right now, its pretty bad where I haven't been able to leave the house for around 4 weeks now (unless absolutely necessary) and its frustrating, why am I even like this? Why cannot I not function and show up to work like every body else? Why do I retreat to my bed and Netflix? Its such a destructive way of coping but I don't seem to know any other way. I think the hardest part of this illness is figuring out a way to climb out of the darkness, and to keep it at bay when you feel it creeping back in. Its so ****ing difficult, people who dont suffer from depression and anxiety dont know how lucky they are. I decided to join this forum because I need help and atm I'm too afraid of therapy and talking to a stranger face to face about everything, those who do, I applaud you because it takes such courage to do that and stick with it. It really takes courage to fight and live another day, I really admire all of you and reading your posts and stories makes me know that I am not alone here and I dont have to suffer in silence anymore :') So, my name is Charlee (pronounced shar-lee not Charlie! its a strange name, I know, but ask my parents why not me lol) Im 26, and live in little New Zealand, its nice to meet you all :)
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