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Everything posted by Charlee

  1. I really need to care about myself to improve things. I just need to care a little bit, not love or even like for myself, just a little bit of caring. Ive felt so numb and apathetic towards myself for awhile now, I stopped caring, I didnt even hate myself because to hate you also have to care. Its gone to beyond hate, its just nothingness. I need to find a way to start caring about me!
  2. yes this is exactly how I felt the other day in my session, I was shaking too as I was trying to talk, and my mind was drawing blanks like trying to make me freeze so I wouldnt keep talking to protect myself. Sometimes im ok and can deal with it a little, but after my first session I felt horribly depressed after as well. I think the more I keep going the harder its going to get. Yes why ask that? Like if we could figure it out ourselves we wouldnt be paying for their help and putting ourselves through this. I think I've had 5 sessions now and I still dont have any answers but shes helping me make connections and understand why things happened and the impact its had on me since. But yeah definitely no solutions, I still dont feel like theres any answers to it but we shall I guess
  3. what must it be like? It seems like a fairy-tale!
  4. Are their really no people out there that live without depression and anxiety?! that actually have a depression and anxiety free head? how? I cant imagine ever not feeling this way.
  5. Thanks nightjar Idk what would be best because I feel like my past dictates my behavior now and I can't improve my now until ive learnt how to deal with whats happened before. I feel like everything is bubbling up at the surface, I want to get it all out for someone else to deal with because I just can't anymore. Stuffing it down and holding it in is such a prison that I can't get out of. I need someone to help me talk about it and work through it and validate my feeling towards it because I look back on things now and I feel like ive over exaggerated it in my mind and it wasnt as big or as significant as I think.... even though the teenager I was before died when things started happening. I just wanna understand who I am again. I want this therapist to help me. I just wanna be cured! (as if). I wish I had a friend who I could do that with.. but I really am a loner. Ive isolated my self for so long for protection and safety that I dont know how to open up anymore, and I feel so uncomfortable around others, even when I know they're safe. The uncomfortableness it to much to bare so I chat for like 5 mins and then find any excuse to leave and hide away again. Its hard, but it has to work, I have to get everything out, it has to work
  6. Going to sleep each night and waking up each day sober is such a challenge, quitting something that distracts and takes the pain away for moments is so difficult I cant imagine how I would cope. You have achieved and continue to achieve a great thing. Its so goddamn hard to not do something when your mind is focused on only doing that.
  7. I feel your pain ladysmurf, you're not alone in this struggle. While I would never ever encourage someone to take their own life... I fully understand feeling like its the only option left and that the pain is too much to bare. I feel this so much too. So for however words can help. If we were friends in the same country I would endorse depression and anxiety sleep overs where we just hang out together and be depressed so we know were not alone. We dont even have to talk or shower or eat. Just let ourselves be as depressed and as anxious as we want to with no expectations, judgement or fear from anyone. If I could handle having friends staying with me in my personal private space such as my room, I would find this so comforting. Having someone support me no matter how I was feeling, and not trying to make me feel better or anything, just allowing me to feel as bad as I want to and being there for that would be enough. Sending you support, hugs, and good comforting coffee (if you drink it). I hope you get some respite soon
  8. Now Im worried at what ive just admitted to here
  9. Even though im medicated now... lots of past hurt has been coming up for me in therapy and I never learnt how to deal with it then and I still don't know and for the last week Ive been smoking a lot of marijuana to cope. Ive been high from about lunch time to bed time the last 8 days because the self hate is so strong, and when Im high I can really pretend I feel good about myself and I just feel good overall. Ive only been smoking because its the easiest cheapest drug to get.. if I could get my hands on a pill dealer I feel I really would become an addict... one night I found an MDMA dealer and I almost bought some.. one of my sisters was an addict for two years and she almost died and nearly destroyed her life and I was so mad at her then because I was so afraid for her... but now I would probably do the same thing to myself if I could because I .. hate myself so. When Im high I feel good, I just want to feel good.
  10. Thank you I've thought of telling people im feeling non-verbal atm, I actually just came out to my family about my autism diagnosis, their first response was "I know autistic people and you aren't that" and then I explained a but and they were like "ooohhhhh". Felt so blah and scary coming out to them about it, but I guess it's part of who I am and I've got to accept it.
  11. I really am proud of myself for being able to complete my masters thesis and be awarded my masters with first class honours. I dont know how I did that. Its been such a hard year, I've been so incredibly depressed and anxious and suicidal, yet I was still able to complete a first class honours thesis! how?! I dont know, but its now officially published online and I still can't believe that Im the author. I can't believe how hard I worked for it despite everything. I may be depressed, anxious and suicidal, but my brain still managed to do something amazing for myself. I've never been so proud of myself
  12. I know how you feel, I was in the same boat a earlier this year, but I just decided to let go and try them because off them I was miserable as f* anyway so what did I have to lose? I believe that we know our bodies and minds best but doctors understand our biochemical systems that we dont, and if they think trying a drug is worth it then it probably is. I know some GPs are terrible and dont listen and patronize you, but when you get a really good one that listens and explains everything and reassures you that this is the best option now because going it "natural" isn't working anymore, then maybe they have a point? Im on 150mg venlafaxine and 15mg mirtazapine. Im still pretty unwell but I think I am getting some good days in there now when I was persistently low and suicidal before... even tho ive had a bad week and have been really low and suicidal..... ill be seeing my doc again in a week or so so she might increase the dose again to 300mg venlafaxine which im a bit about, but whatever. Im placing my hope in these drugs now because nothing else has worked for me in the past. Make the decision best for you, but if you do decide to try them you most likely wont have any side effects (or they will subside in a few weeks to a month) and itl all be fine
  13. we are still in lock down, going into week 11 They're saying we will remain until most likely December, then they want to open up and let covid reign. I dont know whats worse, being isolated and locked up to not knowing who is sick and when you'll get sick. The anxiety so much for NZ being world leaders with covid... we'll be like the rest of the world soon. What will be the point in keeping us in lockdown for 4 months if at the end they just give up and open everything and covid spreads like a wild fire? I really am worried about how im going to cope with having to go to work and take public transport every day knowing that covid is floating around, I dont know how you've all done it for a year and a half now! Being isolated and shut-in triggers bad depression, but being allowed out will trigger huge anxiety, idk what ill do. Its a no-win situation.
  14. Not doing so well today, just feeling really down and really sad
  15. I go through periods where I can talk (chat on here) and other times where my brain doesn't seem to have the energy to form words and I shut down and go into hibernation and only watch tv and sleep. Today I don't have any plans, but I had to move my car and I had to park it further away from my house than I thought so I was out in public in my pjs because I didnt anticipate the road works lol. #ohwell.
  16. It depends upon what get over this illness means for me. Did I believe I could one day be the best version of myself? Yes. Did I believe I would one day be normal or like the rest of the crowd? No of course not. Me being hurt all through my childhood forced me to be hypervigilant. I was forced to learn the world. Most people just try to have a peaceful day and get through the day. Not me I studied everything and used my spare time to figure out everything and yes the world is an awful place. I'm in grave danger every day I wake up in this world. I used to feel like this too. I naively thought I could get better and live a life free from this pain, but now I know its not possible. I may have a good few months at a time but for every good month there's always a bad month to follow. This will never go away. And I don't plan on seeing it through to old age. I think once Ive achieved everything I wanted to ill check out, of course I don't know the future and I could always decide not too but at this point I don't think so. This sounds so defeatist but years of misery kind of take it out of you.
  17. Idk... it seems like no matter how hard you try to avoid it, covid gets in anyway
  18. Ive never been able to stay still long enough to mediate, my mind always finds a new thought to focus on and my body always wants to move. How have you figured this out?
  19. Thanks, yeah at least everyone can understand the stress of lockdowns, its so exhausting and lonely and hopeless Making that decision always felt to big for me, but if someone made it for me I would have gone along with it. For now my doc has increased the dose of my meds and they seem to be more helpful now.. not so *suicidal anymore, and getting matched with a therapist (finally!) that is letting me talk about everything, I've been hiding and keeping everything in so long its coming out like word vomit! I'm not in that crisis phase that I was in a few weeks ago, I'm not well but I'm a little better so that's something at least
  20. Feeling hopeless. My city has been in strict lockdown for 9 weeks now and the covid cases just seem to be increasing. Im so over it. Im tried of the government trying to reassure us that "were doing the hard work for the country" "team of 5 million" blah blah blah ugh. Its just never ending. I can't go home, I cant do anything I'm trapped. Are people not sticking to the restrictions or is delta just smarter than a lockdown? Do lockdowns even work? Im now double vaccinated because I hoped it would give me a pass to travel but noo. I feel like saying f*uck the governemnt and not trusting them anymore. But I dont think any other politicians would be doing any better. Its so bs I dont know what to think anymore.
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