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Charlee

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Everything posted by Charlee

  1. I go through periods where I can talk (chat on here) and other times where my brain doesn't seem to have the energy to form words and I shut down and go into hibernation and only watch tv and sleep. Today I don't have any plans, but I had to move my car and I had to park it further away from my house than I thought so I was out in public in my pjs because I didnt anticipate the road works lol. #ohwell.
  2. It depends upon what get over this illness means for me. Did I believe I could one day be the best version of myself? Yes. Did I believe I would one day be normal or like the rest of the crowd? No of course not. Me being hurt all through my childhood forced me to be hypervigilant. I was forced to learn the world. Most people just try to have a peaceful day and get through the day. Not me I studied everything and used my spare time to figure out everything and yes the world is an awful place. I'm in grave danger every day I wake up in this world. I used to feel like this too. I naively thought I could get better and live a life free from this pain, but now I know its not possible. I may have a good few months at a time but for every good month there's always a bad month to follow. This will never go away. And I don't plan on seeing it through to old age. I think once Ive achieved everything I wanted to ill check out, of course I don't know the future and I could always decide not too but at this point I don't think so. This sounds so defeatist but years of misery kind of take it out of you.
  3. do it. (I have to google what ALF is)
  4. Idk... it seems like no matter how hard you try to avoid it, covid gets in anyway
  5. Ive never been able to stay still long enough to mediate, my mind always finds a new thought to focus on and my body always wants to move. How have you figured this out?
  6. Thanks, yeah at least everyone can understand the stress of lockdowns, its so exhausting and lonely and hopeless Making that decision always felt to big for me, but if someone made it for me I would have gone along with it. For now my doc has increased the dose of my meds and they seem to be more helpful now.. not so *suicidal anymore, and getting matched with a therapist (finally!) that is letting me talk about everything, I've been hiding and keeping everything in so long its coming out like word vomit! I'm not in that crisis phase that I was in a few weeks ago, I'm not well but I'm a little better so that's something at least
  7. Feeling hopeless. My city has been in strict lockdown for 9 weeks now and the covid cases just seem to be increasing. Im so over it. Im tried of the government trying to reassure us that "were doing the hard work for the country" "team of 5 million" blah blah blah ugh. Its just never ending. I can't go home, I cant do anything I'm trapped. Are people not sticking to the restrictions or is delta just smarter than a lockdown? Do lockdowns even work? Im now double vaccinated because I hoped it would give me a pass to travel but noo. I feel like saying f*uck the governemnt and not trusting them anymore. But I dont think any other politicians would be doing any better. Its so bs I dont know what to think anymore.
  8. haha Ive had similar experiences when I've tried counting sheep before when trying to sleep, my visualizations get to animated and end up keeping me awake
  9. I got my second dose of the Pfizer vaccine yesterday and actually feel pretty fine now, just a sore arm. My depression has lifted a little, its not so overwhelming anymore but my anxiety is terrible, I can't go out without shaking and feeling so tense and I can't talk to people really anymore. My sleep is pretty sporadic, some nights are good, some i don't sleep much at all but at least I haven't had a terrible nightmare in a few weeks now. I've started therapy again, I think shes ok, I'm trying to be as open and honest about everything, I've never really talked so freely with anyone before but I'm so tired of having these massive walls and not letting anyone in but being so haunted by my past... I still can't imagine a life where I don't feel like this but I guess we shall see.
  10. I take it back, after I posted this my sleep went back to being average again, and now Ive gained weight like everyone else so im considering coming off, I dont believed its helped really. I was hoping it would really improve my depression since people say they experience weight gain but the improvement in depression makes it worth it... blah depression makes life so difficult. Makes working out difficult, makes trying to eat well difficult.
  11. me too, I always feel everyone's moods around me and take them on like they're my own. I feel bad and sorry for others before I can take care of myself and that takes all my energy. I had a therapist once who told me this was a trait of an empathetic person, and that I needed to recognise the line when feeling empathy for others was just that, instead of taking it all on. I still have to figure this out.
  12. me too, I have one friend really that knows the most about me, I tell her things but I still dont feel 100% comfortable and trustworthy around her either. Once your ability to trust have been broken too many times it seems like everyone will break your trust too. And the friendship doesn't feel entirely equal either, its like I've forgotten how to be a real friend and let people in properly, stone walls have been put up and I dont think they can be broken. I dont think id trust enough ever to break them. Such is life. Im sorry you feel so lonely, I'll have virtual coffee with you during those cold winter days
  13. And people wonder why we* dont trust them ... My family are the same, My dad kept his illness hidden from us so when he died a few years ago it was a complete shock, and we've hardly talked about it since. I dont want to hold everything in all the time but its so hard to talk and let everything out!
  14. Ever question all your feelings and moods and believe somehow that you're making it up? Yeah, same. Then you think back because you must have been gaslight when you were younger. I had a really manipulative and abusive boyfriend when I was a teen so there's him, but I think it goes back further. I don't remember my parents gaslighting me but I remember believing it was wrong to show others how I was truly feeling, I think I came to this on my own because I didn't know how to communicate those feelings..... is it possible to gaslight yourself? Like did kid me shut down to protect myself from some threat I thought was there? I cant remember.
  15. yes me too. On top of everything it just makes life harder. But there are some funny sides to it. The other day I was moisturizing after my shower which I also do. I had forgotten I hadnt done my legs yet before getting dressed, I realized when my pants had globes of moisturizer on them lol
  16. Yes right, or drive through vaxx centers. We were in a warehouse like building and there easily would have been over 1000 people at any point, seats were spaced out and people were sort of two meters apart in the lines but if anyone had asymptomatic covid it would have spread so quickly between us. Right now there's so many restrictions in place were hardly allowed to leave our homes unless its for food or medicine, so having so many people in one warehouse breaks the government rules anyway.
  17. Any adult women out there thinking they've got ADHD/ADD? What do you experience? When im not weighed down by depression and anxiety my brain feels like its on GO always, it flicks from one thought to the next in as little as 2 seconds, when Im trying to focus on work my brain will get side-tracked and focus on any other topic every 10 seconds. I always phase out of a conversation or meeting, I cant sit still, I am always picking at my skin or playing with my hair or clothes or something, my legs are always moving. Ive trained myself to be able to remain seated but Im always always fidgeting. I struggle a lot in a social setting too, now the anxiety takes over and im just too anxious to even bother, but before I was so anxious I wouldnt know when it was my turn to talk or not so Id just start talking, I couldnt follow convos, id interrupt. When I was a kid I really struggled at school, I couldnt understand maths at all and while I know I'm not dumb now, my maths skills are probably still at primary/elementary level because numbers make my brain go all over the place and I could never understand how to manipulate them. In highschool I was just so sick of not knowing why I couldnt understand the work and why everyone else could that I just gave up. I was disruptive in class, I was loud, I didnt do my home work. I didnt care. Now I feel like theres so many gaps in my education, I feel like im missing so much. I was able to go to uni and get my masters degree because Im so interested in the topic but man I struggled, I failed a lot, I didnt know why. I know Im ADD/ADHD I just have to get a diagnosis now but its so difficult. Im always scared to bring it up with my doctor for fear of not being believed and being medically gaslight. Ive been depressed and anxious for a LONG time and inattention and disruptive focus and not able to finish work goes hand-in-hand with depression. Ive been gaslight so much by doctors that I just stick with what they know now and leave my questions and other thoughts for myself to just "handle" but im so tired, Im so tired. I want to get my PhD more than anything but I still haven't applied yet because, I don't know why tbh but every time I sit down to work on my application my brain freezes and Im paralysed so I give up and watch TV. Ive only come to this ADD realisation in the last year but it makes so much sense, I just dont have any courage when it comes to speaking up for myself with doctors. Right now my brain feels like a mess and I just... Im so tired.
  18. We shall see, its enough time to get my PhD and achieve my dream of becoming a doctor, out live my cat, make sure my family understand, and then be done. Life is too difficult and I dont think i'm meant for this world **sigh** but who knows, maybe i'll figure it out and life will suddenly get better and I wont want to go with this plan anymore. But you are right in one thing, its nice to be able to chat with people here who understand where you're coming from
  19. you never fail in making me laugh lol
  20. I'll third this. That's a silver lining of COVID: You can deliberately avoid people on the street and not look like some kind of antisocial weirdo anymore. When I cross the street as soon as I see someone coming towards me, that's now a prudent health and safety measure. Four-thing this! I do all of this and never look anyone in the eye anymore
  21. Im just low, so very low. I dont know what help I can get and then my anxiety is like "no we dont need help we can do it all ourselves" so I dont reach out and I dont even know what services I should use. I cant afford private mental health care so im stuck. The other day I made a plan to end my life in the next ten years. So thats where Im at. I know no one on here can give me the help I need, but thanks for asking Sven
  22. feeling like crap, no energy, no motivation, no hope
  23. I got my first covid vaxx today, I booked an appointment in advance so I wouldnt have to wait for hours as the walk-ins do. But I couldn't find the place because there were no signs or anything and I missed my time slot so had to wait anyway. I had requested assistance for sensory issues, which I thought meant they'd have a room specifically designed for people like me that can't handle public gatherings and loud bright spaces. I didn't get any. So I had to keep waiting surrounded by hundreds of people and I was getting more on edge and panicky by the second and I couldn't do anything about it. I was so close to walking out and going home. I was already feeling anxious and was considering making a new appointment but I went anyway and because I thought the process would take half an hour max but I was there for two hours having a literal panic attack and not able to get help. Im glad I finally got my first shot but what a **** up that was. Now im finally home and I feel so exhausted I could go back to bed.
  24. I'm not ok and im tired of pretending. I'm so tired of this life, I wish I could just say goodbye for good but I wont because I still have hope that there's somehow something out there that will help me feel better. I can't face anything, I can't talk about anything. I dont think i'll ever be able to so i'll have to figure out how to move forward by extinguishing my past. Anyone know of a memory wiping drug out there? If there was one that existed that I could use I would gladly take it.
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