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Everything posted by Charlee

  1. Today started out well, I had to do a bunch of admin shit which is always a drag. I took myself on a little shopping date where I bought two new squishmellows and then decided I could afford to go to H&M and found about 5 items for $99 which is a real bargain since the stores I normally buy from would be 3x the price! $99 wouldn't even get you through the door at this places. But im not in the financial position to even walk into the sores, maybe one day but I do really like what I found at H&M and cant wait to wear them as summer approaches hope you guys had/have good days too
  2. Hey, thanks for responding, I stated on 25 and went up by 25 each week, I was feeling my best on 75-125 but I was too itchy even on 125. The itchiness didn't start till I was on 200 but didnt resolve till I was on 100.. so idk, my psych nurse talked to another dr and said it was ok to continue so I guess I will. its just frustrating. Hope it all goes smoothly for you too. Med changes going up and down is a headache
  3. Yeah (my mum makes a fabulous Pav) the Aussies like to claim Pav as their own lol I dont really like Pav but I do like to eat kiwifruit on its own, especially the green ones, the more sour and tarty the better!
  4. I like JA too but even time I see her in something else all I can see is Rachel Green from friends. I've always wished I had friends like them, I've watched that show so many times I did feel like they were my friends for awhile It's easier to like people through a screen right
  5. haha a kiwi is a small flightless bird who sort of looks like a brown chicken but with a long thin beak (and is the NZ mascot - where we get the term "NZers are kiwis" from). They're endangered because we have quite a few introduced skink and ferrets that like to eat them. I've been to the two major zoos here hoping to see one but they never come out, I guess they don't like people either haha grumpy shquishes are my jam, my owl is 12" I think
  6. I've been watching greys anatomy from the start and George has just died and I felt the loss like he was my friend. I'm so sad that he had to leave the show. Its not the same without him. (However Jackson Avery/Jesse Williams has just come on and holy hell he is a god of a man, I don't think Ive seen such an attractive man irl lol) Gosh when your mentally ill TV shows become my entire social life, my entire life really because there's seems so much better and more exciting. I love George
  7. I bought an owl squishmellow called her Winx, she helps me sleep cuz she's like a giant soft huggable cushion and Ive found being squished and tight in bed helps a lot. I've never seen an owl either, but I think they're intelligent beautiful birds. I don't even think we have owls in New Zealand. Our wild life consists of Kiwis that never appear, and maybe the odd Tui bird. Though I have seen Emus before and they're hilarious birds Do cows, sheep and domestic cats count as wild life? thats pretty much all you see here
  8. I'm frustrated at my current meds and psychiatrist situation. And my GP cant do much (even tho she's great) cuz there's such tight regulations on meds other than SSRIs I am living on my own now which is great and I love it so much and in 4 weeks I'm starting my PhD which I'm so excited about but my dad and body Arte becoming a mess again and I really wanted to be in a healthy place when I started and im not again and ugh. I should just request to change psychiatrists, I didn't like her from the start anyway, she apparently doesn't like her patients also being educated ugh im so frustrated. Hope you've all had better days
  9. Has anyone been on this med? What was your experience? My psychiatrist wanted me on 200mg so I got there and holy hell it made me so itchy (like non stop constant itchy) and I was getting these weird spot/blisters on my fingers and toes... So I've taken it back down to 100mg, the itchiness and spots as stopped I think but I told my psych and the psych nurse and they said I should come off it. I'm currently coming off venlafaxine as well and was going to be my last week on it, but I cant see my psychiatrist for two more weeks and I cant be on nothing so I don't know what to do. This psychiatrist is actually a ****ing joke. At first she was trying to tell me I was BPDDII and not listing to my concerns about being on the spectrum and ADHD (thankfully I got those diagnosis) but ugh she's frustrating. I feel like she's avoiding me because I haven't seen her in about 6 weeks now. Like what the ****? UGH! Sorry for my little rant its so frustrating this damn woman shouldn't be a psych if she cant listen to her patient experiences and take them into consideration when using her education to make diagnosis. Im absolutely not BPDDII because Ive never in my life had inflated self esteem or a higher sense of self or whatever mania gives you (tbh that would actually be the one good thing about BPDD because this long term chronic depression with your self esteem in the bottom of the trash 24/7 is hell). I'm so frustrated omg and feel like she's dumped me and left me in the lurch when were still augmenting my meds In other news, Ive moved out on my own which has been fab for my anxiety but not much else. And Im starting my PhD on the 3rd of October so thats exciting. I just hope I can get my meds in order before I start so I can be as level headed as possible to deal with all the future stress it'll cause. I cant be on nothing, but I hate venlafaxine and lamotrigine was helping between 75-150mg but apparently my body cant handle it so zksejdfb;iaJFDFGVF! frustrated, anxious, depressed me is back tho she never actually left. At least I'm not Sui atm, thats a plus I suppose. Sorry for the novel, if anyone gets through all of this then you're a star
  10. oh Ive also been struggling with this lately, I really try but when the depression and self worth come in... I'm trying
  11. Im picking up the key for my flat and moving in tomorrow and I am so excited to be living on my own
  12. haha not for another 4 years, but as soon as I get the title ill be using it every chance I get
  13. I'm about to start my PhD in biomedical science, I met with the supervisor on Friday and she showed me some of the cells she works on and I literally had a braingasam I was so impressed and excited and I cannot wait to start I've dreamed and wanted to do one for so long it just feels to good to be true!! thank you
  14. I'm so f*kn tired a few good things happened this week tho, I finally FINALLY got a PhD, like I'm 100% a PhD student now, and I found my own apartment!! I'm so excited to live alone, just me and my cat, and then to get more cat children
  15. Hey, sorry you're struggling with this, I dont have the answers for regaining pressure etc but I feel you on the not being interested in sex anymore. I was as a teen but had a really traumatic relationship and its put me off from ever having one again and being able to trust someone enough to be that vulnerable again. I wish I had the answers but you're not alone in this
  16. Hi everyone Its nice to be back, I had to leave for a bit because I was so down and found reading about others struggles (especially the ones I related too so much) was a little triggering and exhausting. I've been so su*cidal the past year and couldn't do anything beyond staying in bed, drinking a lot of coffee and watching a lot of TV shows. I like to watch crime and I watched the entire 21 seasons of SVU cuz I found it comforting that if I ever decided to report my assaults that maybe I could find cops like them, even though I know its all fictional but they must get their stories from somewhere right. I'll probably never report tbh and I dont generally trust or like cops but watching the show made me feel less alone in what I've been through. Anyway, I'm in a slightly better place now, and today I'm waiting anxiously for the PhD supervisor I chose to hopefully agree to take me on. It's like almost offical but not 100% yet, m but I'm keeping my hopes up that she will It's also winter in my side of the world and I'm really missing the heat and wish I was currently in the west so I could be in summer like the majority of you are. (though I am glad I'm currently not an American because being a woman in the states seems really scary right now especially since I'm of "child bearing" age, I know for sure that I never want kids, I dont know what I'd do if I was in one of the states where its almost impossible to get an @bortion now....
  17. Thanks, its nice to hear from you too! I remember you post a lot in the how do you feel right now thread so im gonna go there to see how you're doing now etc
  18. Im sorry its everything seems so difficult! it must be hard having to deal with your emotions and mental health state when you've got kids etc, I feel you on needing to rely on meds so much, I should be getting ritilan soon but I currently rely on lorazepam and can sometimes take too much, I really have to keep myself on a limit so it doesn't run out too fast and I dont get considered high risk for over use so I can keep getting prescriptions for it. At leat you can come on here and vent out your frustrations, cuz we all get it and can relate im sure I hope today is going ok for you
  19. Hey fellow DF people, I haven't been on in about a year, hope you remember me! I guess I'm doing ok, Im on new meds, still have issues sleep and Sui thoughts and ideations, terrible anxiety and depression and PTSD stuff but I'm hanging in there. my eating disorder has been really bad this year, I cant let go even though I know if I don't start trying it'll eventually k*ll me I got my ASD diagnosis and Ive been in persistent trauma therapy for almost a year, I finally found a good therapist! Ive also qualified for gov funded mental health and disability and have been seeing a psychiatrist to get on the right meds. I'm currently still on mirt, venlafaxine and the new one lamotigene. She's going to switch my venlafaxine to Wellbutrin soon (yay cuz venlafaxine is awful and my Sui thoughts have been so strong the last year so clearly its not helping and doing its job). The mirt really helps with sleep but at times I still have to take zopi's. I'm still not working but I have finally found myself a PhD position which im going to start later in the year. I'm really trying to work on my mental health to get into a healthier place before I take on such a stressful challenge. I'm still struggling and sometimes I can actually feel hopeful that maybe I won't have to be like this forever, but I'm still having more bad days than good. I still haven't found any positive ways to cope with stress or overwhelming feelings but hopefully I can soon. How's everyone else been? What's new in your life? I still have my cat child as my most trusted and best friend, and I've made a few new friends but my trust issues hold me back from being fully comfortable around them. Life's hard and it sucks most of the time but maybe maybe MAYBE it can get better
  20. I really need to care about myself to improve things. I just need to care a little bit, not love or even like for myself, just a little bit of caring. Ive felt so numb and apathetic towards myself for awhile now, I stopped caring, I didnt even hate myself because to hate you also have to care. Its gone to beyond hate, its just nothingness. I need to find a way to start caring about me!
  21. yes this is exactly how I felt the other day in my session, I was shaking too as I was trying to talk, and my mind was drawing blanks like trying to make me freeze so I wouldnt keep talking to protect myself. Sometimes im ok and can deal with it a little, but after my first session I felt horribly depressed after as well. I think the more I keep going the harder its going to get. Yes why ask that? Like if we could figure it out ourselves we wouldnt be paying for their help and putting ourselves through this. I think I've had 5 sessions now and I still dont have any answers but shes helping me make connections and understand why things happened and the impact its had on me since. But yeah definitely no solutions, I still dont feel like theres any answers to it but we shall I guess
  22. what must it be like? It seems like a fairy-tale!
  23. Are their really no people out there that live without depression and anxiety?! that actually have a depression and anxiety free head? how? I cant imagine ever not feeling this way.
  24. Thanks nightjar Idk what would be best because I feel like my past dictates my behavior now and I can't improve my now until ive learnt how to deal with whats happened before. I feel like everything is bubbling up at the surface, I want to get it all out for someone else to deal with because I just can't anymore. Stuffing it down and holding it in is such a prison that I can't get out of. I need someone to help me talk about it and work through it and validate my feeling towards it because I look back on things now and I feel like ive over exaggerated it in my mind and it wasnt as big or as significant as I think.... even though the teenager I was before died when things started happening. I just wanna understand who I am again. I want this therapist to help me. I just wanna be cured! (as if). I wish I had a friend who I could do that with.. but I really am a loner. Ive isolated my self for so long for protection and safety that I dont know how to open up anymore, and I feel so uncomfortable around others, even when I know they're safe. The uncomfortableness it to much to bare so I chat for like 5 mins and then find any excuse to leave and hide away again. Its hard, but it has to work, I have to get everything out, it has to work
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