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Charlee

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  1. same! I did my washing and cleaned my room and I feel immensely proud of myself for managing to do that because yesterday I couldn't,
  2. Do you feel you're on the upside of covid recovery now? It sounds awful I hope you're doing ok, please keep updating us but I feel you on the keeping people away/isolated life, I cant imagine letting people in or letting my guard down, I hope you're ok
  3. oh thats awful, it must feel like you're eating chalk, thanks for the tips, yes its not like im being a stubborn child and refusing to eat! some days its more difficult than others, I feel like im doing enough as long as I eat at least one meal in a day how long have you been covid recovered? im in NZ so covid is pretty nonexistent here, I dont no anyone who's had it or about the long lasting side effects.
  4. im the same, I was told by my doctor I need to gain weight and eat more but I cant, food doesn't taste food or feel good in my body so I eat what I need to because I dont want to get sick either. But I dont get enjoyment or pleasure out of eating, it mostly feels like a chore and something I have to do.
  5. Reliving the trauma of high school is enough to start a fresh panic attack. Ive had so many dreams about different scenarios where ive finally stood up to the bullies.. I think thats the worst part of being bullied, not being able to stand up and do something for yourself at the time so you then relive it over and over thinking you should of said this or done that. One thing and its not even the worst but ill always remember it, I was 16 and walked into class and this horrible girl who always always tormented me, gave me a brown paper bag and told me id look better with it on, so I turned around and said actually I think it'd look better on you and handed it back. Another time I was walking down the corridor and this girl was throwing stones at me so I turned around and called her a bitch and she ran after me and slammed me into my locker, pushed me down and was kicking me and pulling my hair out. To this day I dont even know why I was such a target. There probably isn't even a why and if I knew the why it probably wouldn't help, because I dont want an apology from any of these people. The worst though is being betrayed by people you loved and trusted, I've never gotten over what happened between my high school boyfriend and best friend at the time. I trusted them both so much and I was utterly heart broken by what happened. Its easy to say "thats just high school, you were kids then" and sure we were but it wasn't a simple breakup from either of them. Betrayal by people you whole heartedly trust, definitely the worst thing ever done to me. And I've never been able to trust or love anyone like that since.
  6. anyone else feel like they should be socialising or at least socialising a little more than they do? I swear I used to be more social when I was a teen, but now as an adult.. im so used to my own company I get anxious and scared at the thought of going to coffee with someone or talking on the phone or.. I dont know. I think im now just so terrified to let down these walls ive built up so perfectly for the last 10 years, im so scared of letting people know me or see me for who I really am. Im exhausted after a day of work and having to make minimal small talk. life is easier being shut away with your cat, and tv shows and books for company. I feel super abnormal for not having many fiends or going out often but in truth I dont care all that much either because im safe this way. Im comfortable, putting in the effort to make friends and talk is so unsafe I just cant. I cant do it. so here's to a life of minimal human interaction, a small amount is great, but the pressure of having a real conversation and having to continue to keep the conversation going, I cant. It's a lonely life that often makes me sad but I dont see myself changing anytime soon so what can yah do.
  7. I feel ok, just really tired I think, the kind of tired that sits deep in your bones, you can see it in your eyes and on your face how tired you are, you know its the deep tiredness of depression, thats how tired I am, I'm just tired
  8. Hi @MoJoTo how are you feeling now? I was once on escitalopram but successfully weaned myself off, I experienced a lot of what you're experiencing, along with head zaps, I think the headaches and nausea lasted for a couple of weeks but it did subside for me.
  9. Well, i'm glad this feeling is felt by others also. But what I dont know is how to change this. Is trying to "change" even the right way to go about "getting better"? can we even get better? or are we supposed to accept that we get depressed sometimes and its just part of our lives and we can still function, we've good and bad days. I dont know, I feel I can handle feelings of deep depression much better than I can handle anxiety, which has progressively gotten worse as the years have past. In my experience, trying to change or "just not be depressed" doesn't work for me (does it work for anyone though? if someone said that to me I'd be like "okoe................."), I feel I need to work on accepting it as part of me and figure out how to work and live with it so im not so impaired by it. Which feels doable for me, the anxiety on the other hand.... its quite bad and ive no idea what to do about it, meds dont seem to help and docs arent really prescribing benzos anymore. There must be ways to handle anxiety and live a somewhat functional life. I know the old "just try it little by little and eventually it'll get easier" but that doesn't seem to apply when its social anxiety or anxiety about speaking, or being around people or even just damn leaving the house. I dont know. The other day I needed to post something and Ive no idea why (my anxiety has a life of its own) but I was so so so anxious and I was trying this tapping routine on my collarbone bones and, it got me over the road and into the postoffice, but I wasn't able to calm down and feel safe until I got home. What do you guys do to handle life with depression and anxiety etc...?
  10. Ive realised that I only come to this forum when I'm quite bad and feel there's nowhere else to go. Reading through my last few posts, they seem pretty similar to this one even though more than a year has passed, and it could seem like nothing has changed but that's not true. My last post was in Jan 2020, since then Ive moved cities and am about to complete my masters degree in biomedical science (back then I wasn't sure I was being accepted or not) I've picked up a couple of hobbies - I regularly go to yoga, I rock climb and I've just taken up nail art. I havnt had any real hobbies in years. So while im not cured, and this post suggests im still in a very bad spot and I am, overall I'm doing better, my general life and wellbeing has improved. Just the ol' depression and anxiety have decided to step up and make themselves known again. I will weather through, i've been through this cycle enough to know that this darkness does lift, if not forever, then the few months in-between are something to hope for. When I submit my thesis i'm going to take an extended break, im going to go home and spend time with my family, see my old friends, maybe travel the country a bit (im in New Zealand so the covid situation is pretty good/almost non-existent). Right now I'm feeling hopeful. (In writing this i've also realised how severe my mood swings are... something to tell the doc). Thanks for being here DF, you are the place I come when I've nowhere else to go
  11. thats ok, thanks for taking the time to read it, hope your vision issues resolve soon
  12. Do you think one can be depressed for so long that they don't know any other way to exist so they continue to be depressed? I find my mind often drifting to this train of thought, I remember being a kid and being happy, or I at least remember myself as being a happy kid, but then I move on to my teen years and it becomes so dark, granted a lot of messed up shit happened to me during those years which is most likely why I am the way I am as an adult (now 28). But it's so dark, I cant remember a time that I wasn't a child and not been depressed, anxious, angry, scared, hurt omg I don't know. But I think it's scary because I don't see a way out, I don't see how my future will be any different. I'll probably be on one antidepressant or another my entire life and I'll always be battling this. Sure I go through months where things don't seem so bad, but in the months that are bad... its really bad. The thoughts are loud. I cant cope. I don't know if this makes sense, I guess the point of this is to write these thoughts out to others who understand where I'm coming from and perhaps share the same fears as I do.. or are older and have been existing this way for awhile. Im scared, I'm alone, I'm sad and (TW suicide) I don't want to be part of this world anymore. I've never really admitted to being suicidal before, but I think I have to admit now that these thoughts are getting stronger and darker and the out is looking better than existing..... I'm really struggling, I'm so in my head, I cant seem to get out. Doing my job is hard, getting out of bed is hard, everything feels like I'm slogging though thick masses of mud. Everything is so hard right now and I guess this is a cry for help more than anything.
  13. I dont want to be me. I dont want to be here. I hate myself, I hate how I am, I hate how I feel, I hate that im not "normal" I hate that my anxiety is so bad now that I hardly speak to anyone. Nothing comes out of my mouth and my brain feels blank when people try to talk to me. I cant do it, I cant do anything. I dont want to do this anymore. I hate writing shit like this too, it looks and feels pathetic, there must be something I can do to improve myself, I cant be this helpless? I am just unhappy, I have a deep unhappiness for myself and just dont care. Its not going to get better. Im stuck in this forever cycle, and each time she comes round, the depression and anxiety part is always worse and always longer than before. Im in therapy but I dont like it that much and dont want to continue because I feel like it doesn't help and theres no point, I dont know, maybe its just too hard and I dont wanna put myself out there. I apparently "over-inflate" the anxiety and make it much more important than it is, that may be so, I need to learn how to sit with her (anxiety - termed a girl, cuz Im a girl, idk) until she goes away, but I am so anxious all the time, pretty much all day every day, she never goes away. My doctor has suggested meds (venlafaxine) but I'm terrified of them or any antidepressants now, I do not want to go on any, if I do then ill be stuck on them for the rest of my life and I dont and cant have that. and now ive taken two lorazepam and im waiting for them to work, I dont want to think or feel anymore. I just dont want to be here. I dont want to be depressed or anxious. I want them to **** off right now. I just want to be able to function in normal life and society, I want to be successful, I want to be secure, I want to be liked and loved. Instead im a scared little person that hides from anyone and everyone. I hate this and I wish I could say goodbye but I wont because Im a stubborn ass and cant quit before its over, and life isn't over. So I guess I have some hope after all. Who knew.
  14. Is it alright on here to talk about rape? Because it happened to me in 2011, and then (few years later) I was in a relationship where my partner didn't and wouldn't understand the word no and every time we had sex it was always like this, it was always me giving in because I didn't want to upset him, because I thought it wasn't normal to not want to do it, because I was too scared to speak up for myself and storm out, because I knew if I didnt give in then he would keep going. I left him early 2019, but we stayed friends and every time we hung out he kept trying, kept pushing, kept touching. Why does this happen? Why are men "boys" so ****ing mean and rude and then they get upset at you for resisting? WHY? I don't feel like he raped me, but consent was blurred more than 90% of the time, so wtf does this say about me? The last year has been pretty difficult, I started therapy to try and resolve this shit, but now that it's been brought up, I keep reliving what happened in 2011. I keep watching it happen in my mind like a movie playing, I remember new things, I remember how it felt, I remember how scared I was and how much I didn't want to be there or do that. I remember afterwards saying that "you pretty much just raped me" and he was like "what? no!" and it was downplayed to nothing, to a joke. I told my mum (sort if) and all she said was "I'm sorry that happened to you" and also went on to say what a "nice boy he is, you don't want to ruin his life" and it was never brought up again, until 2018 when we had a massive argument about it because she was trying to say it wasn't rape. I moved out a few weeks later. And now, after realising that I was raped in 2011, that my mum was wrong, that my last relationship wasn't normal or healthy, that feeling like you're not believed, it really ****s with you. It ****s with you so hard. And I'm so angry, so angry at my mum for downplaying and saying "he's a nice boy, you don't want to ruin his life" like wtf what about MY life? I'm angry at rapist #1 and "man" who didnt listen. It makes me so angry that when the topic of rape comes up, women (older? boomers?) especially will be thinking about the rapist and a potential sexual offence record and "ruining their lives" like the life of the victim has already been ruined, and the rapist will go on his merry way and never think about it again. This decade has been damn hard. I suppressed everything, I've wanted to die, I've self harmed, taken too many drugs and drunk way too much. Ive been so depressed that I couldn't focus or be "apart of society" I couldn't go to work or do basic things like taking a shower or eat properly. My anxiety has been driven through the roof, I was set up on a date to meet an apparently lovely boy but I couldn't go, I had a panic attack instead and smoked weed until I wasn't thinking about it anymore. I'm absolutely terrified to date, and I just wont do it. Im terrified of men, I'm terrified of feeling stuck and trapped in another relationship like above, because I cant trust that I'll be able to stick up for myself and gtf out. So it's easier and safer to not put myself anywhere near men at all. I told my older sister the other day about it who didn't know, but I don't feel better about it, I feel scared at sharing something so personal and private with her because we aren't very close, I had to delete the message describing what happened because it was making me feel sick. And I feel like she doesn't believe me either, which makes me feel worthless and scared and sad. I don't know how to deal with it, with any of it.
  15. Thanks for the replies guys im doing ok, I actually had a pretty good week which I feel like I havnt had in ages, but always after ive had a good week the following one is a huge downer. Do you guys feel like your bad days are worse on your days off because you have nothing to occupy your mind, so it goes to really extreme dark places and you're like "brain, wtf are you doing?!" hope you are doing better @mmd thats exactly how I feel too, all the time, and people can say "just keep holding on, it gets better" and im like "when is the better coming?!" I try and tell my brain to stop going there, and this isn't me, Its ****ed, depression is so debilitating and its almost impossible to tell anyone what its like because on the outside you look normal and fine but really you want to die. Thanks for the support, it helps to remind me that im not alone and am not the only one struggling like this, love
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