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About Charlee

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  1. Also feel this, I've always been on the outside too, always found it hard to make friends and feel liked/accepted. You're not alone, even if we are on opposite sides of the world xx
  2. Really ****ing sad and hopeless and like nothing will ever get better. Im so sad it seems unbearable right now and I dont even know why im so sad. I don know why depression and anxiety have hit me so hard this year. I dont know why things feel so awful and unbearable right now. Im just so ****ing sad :(
  3. I don't feel strong, I feel weak and pathetic and just sad. I feel like things will never get better and this is just how life is gonna be till I die, I'm just sad :(
  4. Yeah Im on meds atm but feel like they aren't doing their job anymore, I went to the doc to see about changing them or stopping them altogether but he wants to discuss with my therapist first. And thanks, this forum is fab and is there when you need it x
  5. Hi @idkusername465 Uhh the tag line was just there when I began writing the post 🤷‍♀️ maybe its a new thing? Yeah, thanks ❤️✌️ its nice knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way, even if it feels like it ❤️❤️
  6. I am so depressed and anxious lately, I can't escape these negative thoughts or panic feelings, I cant go out, I cant work, I can do nothing. I feel like a failure, like my life has been a waste and that I'm worthless, ugly, fat, disgusting, dumb, that I cant do it. These words circle round my head constantly all day, everyday. I cant get away. Ive started therapy because I've tried everything to help myself and not need therapy, but I do and I cant help myself, and I know I'm in a really bad place right now and there's nothing I can do to help myself out, I cant crawl out of this. And death feels like the only way. Im aware of how depressing and hopeless this message sounds, and I do not want to die. I want to get better and live a life of freedom. That feels impossible.
  7. How do you move on from depression and "recover"? Will it always be apart of my life? I dont want to be depressed anymore, I dont want it to hinder my life, I dont want to be staying home everyday and missing out on career opportunities and friend/relationship opportunities because of my best pal depression. So how do you get better? or even start to get better? Do you try to fight him, or accept him? But what does accepting him mean? Letting depression in and completely rule your life? Is that the only way to move on? I guess he completely rules my life now anyway, but what about fighting him? is that ignoring him and pretending he's not there? or, idk. I just want to get better and move on, I dont want anymore relapses, but I always do, depression always finds me and welcomes me back with open arms, maybe he's just to comforting, do you guys feel that too? I just wish I wasn't depressed and that his black spidering hands never found me 😢
  8. Ive been on Lexapro for 2 and a half years now and I feel like its time to come off and that they've done their job and all they can do for me. I haven't had any horrible side effects (except the no sex drive) but I want to move on with my life and not be depressed anymore, and I feel like staying on these drugs will stop me from moving on and taking the identity of "not depressed anymore/recovery" BUT im also not having that great of a time atm, for the last month really, so maybe when im not doing so good its best to not come off them, but how will I ever come off them? I just want to be better and not depressed anymore and Im sick of being on anti-depressants, I don't want to be on them forever!
  9. @jayb1233 absolutely, they're so underrated and such life saviours, its a privilege to share your life with one and have such a high bond. Im doing ok, still haven't left the house much, some days I can, but some days I get up and get ready and am about to leave but I get all this anxiety and cant. But aside from that, I'm ok 👍. Im also trying to decide if I should come off mine now because I feel like they've done their job and all they can, but then I also feel like it would be stupid to stop them when im not in a "good" phase. IDK. Feels lol, hope you're ok 😊
  10. @nojoy of course you can!! @CoffeeAddict103 We will be ok ❤️❤️ maybe if we can tell ourselves this enough times we can believe it, thats my hope anyway 🤞
  11. -a journal entry I wrote to myself when I was in a bit of a state and needed to calm down and breathe, but I wanted to share incase someone needs to read this today- Accept what has happened and move on. Its all in the past, that's not you anymore. Its not your fault what they did, and its not their fault for how you are reacting and living now. Let it all go, you are better, you are enough, and you control your own life, not them, you. You don't need to numb yourself anymore, let yourself feel and accept what is going on, and then let it go and move on. You dont need to hold on anymore, just let go, you will be ok. Take a deep breath, focus on where you are and what is happening in that moment in time, be present and enjoy the process. Everything will be ok. You are ok, Feel the pain, accept it and move on. You are powerful, your life is in your control. You have all the basics of living a good life, you can pay your rent, you can eat, and you are safe. And right now that is enough, You don't need your degree to be happy and satisfied, because it will never be enough. You are enough as you are. You are enough. - I've had a really rough time accepting what's happened in the past and it has largely controlled my life now, and I know that what happened wasn't my fault it was theirs, but I also know that its not their fault for how I am living today. And that is a really hard thing to accept, but if you are in the same boat as me, know that it wasn't your fault, and you have the strength to accept it and move on. They dont dictate or control you anymore, you are free ❤️ (And I am never giving them their names back, they dont deserve to be recognised in my life anymore) Charlee xx
  12. aww thats beautiful ❤️❤️ @MarkintheDark
  13. Sorry guys for not replying, I got really busy with work (I work from home and in the office if I can get there). @MarkintheDark @jayb1233I do have a furry companion, I have a ragdoll cat called poppy, whos my best friend and has been with me for 7 years, and at my worst, she honestly saved me because the one and only time ive ever been suicidal, she came to mind and I couldn't do it because I couldnt leave her, how could I trust that shed be ok in someone else's s care? She's really kept me going, and is my most loyal friend and knows my moods and won't leave my side if im upset or really stressed. I really couldn't cope without her, and that scares me because I know she wont be around forever. Going home to her is the highlight of my day, and feeling her weight next to me at night is my biggest comfort. I believe furry friends are so important when you're so vulnerable ❤️
  14. Feel, feel, feel!! Almost described my relationship with food to a T. I binge and I binge and I binge and I feel horrible afterwards and want to make myself throw up (I don't tho, I'm not bulimic) but I just keep going, every morning I wake up telling myself that this is the day ill stop but all day ill be thinking about the food, then ill buy it after work and thats me done. Ive come to giving up, I've tried so many times, for short periods of time ive been able to stop and able to stay at a healthy weight but I always start again for some reason or another. Always. The binge beast has dug her claws in deep and is apparently never going away.
  15. @MaepleSyrup @jayb1233 @Oscar K @Epictetus Aww thanks guys you're all so kind :') so I am on meds (escitalopram) and have been for around 2.5 years, but I haven't done any therapy because it scares the crap out of me and I feel like I can work it all out by myself (but now coming to the understanding that I cannot). I have really bad coping mechanisms, When I'm stuck deep in and really bad I can't do anything but stay in bed watching TV, I cant workout or go to work, I cant really even talk to anyone who cares about me, I just stay in that silent hell until I can manage to pull myself out. The longest its ever lasted has been about 8 months, that was 2016, and I was a student at the time and I almost had to leave uni and I almost got fired from my job too. So its been a bit of a struggle, these last 4 weeks have been really bad (2016 bad) and I don't want to lose everything I've built so far so I need to find a way out now, im really trying, yesterday and today I left the house and went to the library to do some work, which is the first time ive been able to leave unnecessarily in 4 weeks, so thats progress for me and im proud of myself for the small win :) Im glad I join here and posted my first post, its helped me take the first step I needed to, to start climbing out :) and @Epictetus thats fuuny and cool, NZ is a fab little country and Ive loved living and growing up here and I honestly dont think ill move countries ever, tho I do want to do extensive travel one day!
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