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Charlee

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About Charlee

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  1. I dont want to be me. I dont want to be here. I hate myself, I hate how I am, I hate how I feel, I hate that im not "normal" I hate that my anxiety is so bad now that I hardly speak to anyone. Nothing comes out of my mouth and my brain feels blank when people try to talk to me. I cant do it, I cant do anything. I dont want to do this anymore. I hate writing shit like this too, it looks and feels pathetic, there must be something I can do to improve myself, I cant be this helpless? I am just unhappy, I have a deep unhappiness for myself and just dont care. Its not going to get better. Im stuck in this forever cycle, and each time she comes round, the depression and anxiety part is always worse and always longer than before. Im in therapy but I dont like it that much and dont want to continue because I feel like it doesn't help and theres no point, I dont know, maybe its just too hard and I dont wanna put myself out there. I apparently "over-inflate" the anxiety and make it much more important than it is, that may be so, I need to learn how to sit with her (anxiety - termed a girl, cuz Im a girl, idk) until she goes away, but I am so anxious all the time, pretty much all day every day, she never goes away. My doctor has suggested meds (venlafaxine) but I'm terrified of them or any antidepressants now, I do not want to go on any, if I do then ill be stuck on them for the rest of my life and I dont and cant have that. and now ive taken two lorazepam and im waiting for them to work, I dont want to think or feel anymore. I just dont want to be here. I dont want to be depressed or anxious. I want them to **** off right now. I just want to be able to function in normal life and society, I want to be successful, I want to be secure, I want to be liked and loved. Instead im a scared little person that hides from anyone and everyone. I hate this and I wish I could say goodbye but I wont because Im a stubborn ass and cant quit before its over, and life isn't over. So I guess I have some hope after all. Who knew. ☹️
  2. Is it alright on here to talk about rape? Because it happened to me in 2011, and then (few years later) I was in a relationship where my partner didn't and wouldn't understand the word no and every time we had sex it was always like this, it was always me giving in because I didn't want to upset him, because I thought it wasn't normal to not want to do it, because I was too scared to speak up for myself and storm out, because I knew if I didnt give in then he would keep going. I left him early 2019, but we stayed friends and every time we hung out he kept trying, kept pushing, kept touching. Why does this happen? Why are men "boys" so ****ing mean and rude and then they get upset at you for resisting? WHY? I don't feel like he raped me, but consent was blurred more than 90% of the time, so wtf does this say about me? The last year has been pretty difficult, I started therapy to try and resolve this shit, but now that it's been brought up, I keep reliving what happened in 2011. I keep watching it happen in my mind like a movie playing, I remember new things, I remember how it felt, I remember how scared I was and how much I didn't want to be there or do that. I remember afterwards saying that "you pretty much just raped me" and he was like "what? no!" and it was downplayed to nothing, to a joke. I told my mum (sort if) and all she said was "I'm sorry that happened to you" and also went on to say what a "nice boy he is, you don't want to ruin his life" and it was never brought up again, until 2018 when we had a massive argument about it because she was trying to say it wasn't rape. I moved out a few weeks later. And now, after realising that I was raped in 2011, that my mum was wrong, that my last relationship wasn't normal or healthy, that feeling like you're not believed, it really ****s with you. It ****s with you so hard. And I'm so angry, so angry at my mum for downplaying and saying "he's a nice boy, you don't want to ruin his life" like wtf what about MY life? I'm angry at rapist #1 and "man" who didnt listen. It makes me so angry that when the topic of rape comes up, women (older? boomers?) especially will be thinking about the rapist and a potential sexual offence record and "ruining their lives" like the life of the victim has already been ruined, and the rapist will go on his merry way and never think about it again. This decade has been damn hard. I suppressed everything, I've wanted to die, I've self harmed, taken too many drugs and drunk way too much. Ive been so depressed that I couldn't focus or be "apart of society" I couldn't go to work or do basic things like taking a shower or eat properly. My anxiety has been driven through the roof, I was set up on a date to meet an apparently lovely boy but I couldn't go, I had a panic attack instead and smoked weed until I wasn't thinking about it anymore. I'm absolutely terrified to date, and I just wont do it. Im terrified of men, I'm terrified of feeling stuck and trapped in another relationship like above, because I cant trust that I'll be able to stick up for myself and gtf out. So it's easier and safer to not put myself anywhere near men at all. I told my older sister the other day about it who didn't know, but I don't feel better about it, I feel scared at sharing something so personal and private with her because we aren't very close, I had to delete the message describing what happened because it was making me feel sick. And I feel like she doesn't believe me either, which makes me feel worthless and scared and sad. I don't know how to deal with it, with any of it.
  3. Thanks for the replies guys ❤️❤️ im doing ok, I actually had a pretty good week which I feel like I havnt had in ages, but always after ive had a good week the following one is a huge downer. Do you guys feel like your bad days are worse on your days off because you have nothing to occupy your mind, so it goes to really extreme dark places and you're like "brain, wtf are you doing?!" hope you are doing better @mmd thats exactly how I feel too, all the time, and people can say "just keep holding on, it gets better" and im like "when is the better coming?!" I try and tell my brain to stop going there, and this isn't me, Its ****ed, depression is so debilitating and its almost impossible to tell anyone what its like because on the outside you look normal and fine but really you want to die. Thanks for the support, it helps to remind me that im not alone and am not the only one struggling like this, love ❤️❤️
  4. I'm so depressed and everyday it seems to be getting worse. I'm just so sad and miserable and I cant see any way out of this. Its been 9-10 years since it all started and i'm like wtf do I do? I cant keep living like this, I cant carry on, I cant do it. I cant work, I can hardly leave the house I cant live life like this, and there seems to be no way out. I'm stuck, i'm cutting, not eating, smoking too much weed, taking too many Benzo's. I cant cope and I can feel it in my bones that my life will end by my doing, it feels like I wont make it to 30, I just cant carry on, I cant do it. I think about things I could do to help myself, like trying to get out of the house at least once a day, go walking or running, making an effort to eat healthy, join groups to make friends and meet people, but the thought of doing any of that scares the shit out of me and I cant make myself do anything so I just sit in my sadness and wallow about my lack of ability to do anything. Everything feels so hard rn, even taking a shower is hard. Hope its better for you guys. ❤️✌️
  5. As I read this all I was thinking was "OMG I am not the only one!!!" I am like that when in public or at work with colleges and people I dont know very well, sometimes I've nothing to reply when people ask me questions, I shrug or give short answers like "yeah" "ok" "im good" and then I run away thinking "omg everyone must think im such a stupid idiot, like who cant talk or communicate properly like a normal person"? It's embarrassing and frustrating and has lead me to stay at home and not go out with anyone, I'm just to anxious otherwise. You're not the only one, hopefully knowing that makes you feel a tiny bit better ❤️❤️
  6. Im not in law, but trying to make it into the science/academia world which I imagine is just as demanding and expecting and as much pressure and just no room for mental illness to come along and dictate your days, making you unable to do the amount of work you normally would (or makes you question your ability to do so). Totally get it, i've no idea how to cope, all I do is survive one day to live the next. All I think about is getting my work done so I can come home and get stoned, I know it's not the best way to cope, but atm its all I got. Sorry you're going through this, you're not alone, hopefully its passes soon ❤️❤️✌️
  7. I did talk to him, but I told him straight that I wanted to come off these, that they are making my mind have intense chaotic and suicidal thoughts so yeah, and he didn’t prescribe me anything thing else but I did I wasn’t going to take them anyway, I just look my last one today, and no crazy intense thoughts anymore or no wanting to **** myself. Those drugs were making me go insane and I am never ever taking an SSRI or other antidepressant again
  8. You should definitely go to the doctor, you can’t go too long without sleeping, sorry that you’re having to go through it ❤️
  9. I’ve decided to come off my SSRIs because I think they are making me worse, so that should help the depression (hopefully) and I’ve only just been prescribed lorazepam for anxiety, so I hope this will help because I don’t know what else to do, I’ve not been coping very well the last few months 😢 thanks for the support ❤️
  10. I feel you, I'm also locked in this trap, its crazy and ive no idea how to stop it or help myself, I hope you feel better and dont have to struggle with this for too much longer xx
  11. I'm on Lex and have been for 3 years now, and I hate it, it was good at first, but this entire year ive been so depressed and anxious and as bad as I was before I went on lex, so im coming off it now, hope you can find a better one that works for you, I hate SSRIs and I dont want to be on any at all.
  12. I want to recover from this bs. I cant live like this anymore, getting so depressed that I don't want to live anymore, the other night as I was driving home from work and I was mentally writing my suicide note. I don't want to **** myself but my mind is that ****ed up right now that that is where its going! like what the ****?! HELP. My anxiety is through the roof, I'm scared of talking to new people at work, I'm scared of talking to new people anywhere, I am terrified of anyone and everything, I can't live like this anymore. I'm so over it! I'm over being scared, I'm over being so low, I am just so over this and I want a way out. I don't know how to get better, I don't know how to help myself. I do not know what to do.
  13. Also feel this, I've always been on the outside too, always found it hard to make friends and feel liked/accepted. You're not alone, even if we are on opposite sides of the world xx
  14. Really ****ing sad and hopeless and like nothing will ever get better. Im so sad it seems unbearable right now and I dont even know why im so sad. I don know why depression and anxiety have hit me so hard this year. I dont know why things feel so awful and unbearable right now. Im just so ****ing sad :(
  15. I don't feel strong, I feel weak and pathetic and just sad. I feel like things will never get better and this is just how life is gonna be till I die, I'm just sad :(
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