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helplessandconfused

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About helplessandconfused

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  1. Hi Epictetus, Thank you so much for your response. It feels good to know I'm not alone and that these aren't my true feelings. You have given me hope. I hope your tendonitis gets better! ~helplessandconfused
  2. Hi Everyone, I've been really struggling for the past 4 months ever since an incident on New Year's Eve. Just to preface, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, and we have been long distance for about a year due to graduating from college. My boyfriend is my world. We have discussed marriage and having children, and I truly do not want to be with anyone else. I have plans to move to my boyfriend's city, but now I feel so down. On NYE, my life turned upside down. I went to visit my boyfriend on NYE (he lives about 2.5 hours away), and we ended up going out to some bars with his roommate. His roommate is a loner (no offense) and big pot head, he hasn't had a girlfriend in forever, and we feel kind of bad for him. Therefore, we let him come out with us on NYE. I got pretty drunk that night, but I thought it was okay because I felt safe with my boyfriend and his friend. At midnight, I kissed my boyfriend, and I remember feeling bad that his friend was alone on NYE. A little while later, things were a blur but I remember his friend saying something like "hey I didn't get a new years kiss" so in my drunken state, I leaned in and gave him a peck on the ear (not even on the cheek or the LIPS). I don't think my boyfriend was around, so as I sobered up, it really bothered me and I told my boyfriend. He didn't think it was a big deal, but I cried myself to sleep and woke up the next morning feeling very guilty and anxious. My boyfriend said it really wasn't a big deal, but I still felt terrible because his ex-girlfriend cheated on him (she slept with someone and he had to find out from someone else). The next few weeks when I was back home, I started thinking about it obsessively and felt immense guilt, but eventually it kind of went away. I went to visit my boyfriend again, and I felt fine except for when he made a jealous comment at a party, and I automatically assumed I lost his trust because of what happened on NYE. Since that point, my life has been in shambles. I had intrusive/obsessive thoughts about the event and how I was gross and unworthy of my boyfriend, and I ended up having extreme insomnia for about 2 months (I got maybe 1-2 hours of sleep max). It got so bad that I started to feel detached/disconnected from my boyfriend, from myself, and the world around me. I lost 10 pounds in two months unintentionally because my anxiety was so bad. It got so bad that I couldn't get out of bed in the morning, I couldn't concentrate and would make mistakes at work and have panic attacks because the obsessive thoughts wouldn't go away. I eventually saw a doctor and was told I was experiencing anxiety and most-likely depression (since they go hand-in-hand), and I was put on Prozac for depression and Clonazepam for anxiety. I also started seeing a therapist. Now, four months later, I am insomnia-free and don't have obsessive thoughts about the event, but now I feel so disconnected from my boyfriend and as if I can't feel love for him. It scares me so much because he is my world, and I never would have expected that one little thing to lead to all of this. My therapist tells me this isn't my new normal and that this will pass, but I am impatient and scared. I felt the closest to my boyfriend before all of this, but now I feel numb and I don't get excited to visit him. It's as if a switch went off in my brain because of the obsessive thoughts and insomnia, and I can't get it to turn back on. I'm scared because I know how much I love my boyfriend and how I don't want to be feeling this way. Our relationship was close to perfect before that small event, and now I feel like I lost my boyfriend in a sense. I feel so helpless and scared. I truly do not believe that I could fall out of love in the snap of a finger, I think I am going through depression/anhedonia, but sometimes I wonder "are these actually my real feelings?" and it's scary. I don't look forward to anything in life anymore. My birthday was a week ago and I could care less about it, and I have a Hawaii trip planned at the end of May and I'm not even excited like I normally would be. I also feel like so much time has passed and I didn't even notice because my mind has been stuck in a negative thinking trap. If anyone has gone through something similar, I'd love to hear your experience and if you got through it. Also, I appreciate whoever takes the time to read this. Thank you!
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