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IMlostagain

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  1. Would take the entire forum to explain all of this. Will try to sum it up, but it will still be long. This started 25 yrs ago! I was married to a man who was married to his work, but I did love him with all my heart. I had six kids over 8 yrs (probably because I was so lonely). They are young adults now, late teens into 30's. After the birth of my last baby, I went into post partum depression, but it never went away. That was back when depression was considered a taboo. My husband worked very long hours; he'd leave at 6am and not return until sometimes as late as 9pm. I realize now that he had too...we needed the money, but back then I was just lonely and getting sadder by the day. Very rural area so not many friends. Family turned their back on me and said basically 'get over it'. I eventually asked if he could please come home just one night a week to have dinner with us, and to help me out. He'd follow through maybe two times, then back to the 'ol routine. I finally left...I was so depressed, there was no me anymore. Never happy, never laughed. I look back on my kids photo's when they were young, and they make me sad, because I see messy hair and dirty faces because I just had no energy to do anything!!!! Never thought of suicide because of my kids. Oh how I wish I was the strong woman I am now, back then. I would have just made a life for them and myself, but we can't go back. My youngest was only 6 when I left. My husbands business was attached to the family home so I found another house. I had the kids, but the two oldest spent more time at dads because there was no supervision. Fast forward about 10 yrs. It took a long time, but I was on Zoloft for 10 yrs which made me feel like a person again. I still loved my husband and deep down regretted leaving. He never dated that entire time. I had two boyfriends but I wouldn't let anyone in because my hubby was my sole-mate. He wasn't interested he said...but we remained good friends. A few more years and HE called an asked me to dinner. I was thrilled, and happily accepted. We had a great time, and we 'dated' for a year. I thought we were headed to reuniting, as did my kids! AFTER ONE FULL year i discovered that he was out (even after our dates) at strip clubs, having sex with A LOT of these girls. They were our daughters ages!!!!!! I was beside myself!!!!!!! Fast forward 3 years, and I find him at my door again...yea..fool me once shame on you...well I was stupid enough to fall for it again!!!!! And after 6 months...I learned from my oldest child that he was still doing the same thing!!! I felt like a complete idiot, but the worst part is I still wanted to get back with him!!!! WTH!!!!!! Now I was just angry!!! I find myself angry at ME for leaving all those years ago. Beating myself up all the time....picturing what it could have been. I have been doing this to myself for 20 years!!!!!!!! And now to add to it....2 yrs ago he met a woman , and he told my oldest child that he was giving up ALL his girlfriends for HER! She is a very, well known 'classy' business woman in the area. She has NO clue what he's been doing all these years and who he's been sleeping with. She even asked me point blank who 'so and so was' because he was on the phone with her. I knew exactly who she was, but as much as I wanted to blurt out what he'd been doing with his spare time, I did not. He told her he hasn't been with anyone since I left him. Now here they are...engaged!! It just really pisses me off that he ends up in this cinderella relationship with a very wealthy woman, and she thinks he is just so perfect and I'm a terrible person for hurting him!!! I guess I haven't realized just how depressed I've been again for the past 3 or so years!!!! I just want to cry all the time again....I've been seeing a guy for several years but I just don't love him so that's not helping either. I'm just so sick and tired of being sad....my past is definitely doing a number on me...and I still can't get over HIM. I can be such a strong woman most of the time...but then I get here and I just feel like I'm crap. I just want to get in my car, drive away and start somewhere new but I won't......Why can't I get past this relationship that was so long ago?? It's destroying me
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