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CastleAlyts

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  1. I went years without pills or therapy. During this time I went the zen route with lows. Realizing that depression is a part of me, but it is not me and knowing it will end eventually. I let it rage within me and really didn't fight it. Though I did analyze the thoughts and asked myself how close to reality is this thought.
  2. Yesterday sucked, so afraid that today will suck. It was super busy, two people pissed me off then I got an anxiety attack. Too much input coming from all directions and feeling like i had to do it all by myself. Ended up walking out of work to go calm down half a block away. I just want to curl up with my cats and be a cat today.
  3. Ask them to do something that doesn't require a lot of energy. Movies are good. you can be social and not talk to each other. Or go fishing. If you want to stay home then do pizza and netflix.
  4. I have two bad coping mechanisms that aren't helpful. But the helpful ones include music, listening or doing youtube karaoke. Or I find something that I know I can do rather well. I like doing arts and crafts. If I don't have that much energy I find a computer game that I can zone out to. I'm rather lucky that my cats will not let me lay in bed all day, usually by annoying the heck out of me and giving me a different emotion to focus on. So petting them helps me a lot. I've also been known to go to the park/mall and just sit and watch people or animals and doodle. Ohh and then there is the self date, going out and treating myself to something.
  5. I literally started taking zoloft this week after about 5 years trying to manage on my own. I know the physical side effects, but no one told me about the energy. I am use to being steady and mellow not this running around thing.
  6. You don't have to have a dream or a goal for this ideal future life that you want to live. Heck the ideal future life causes more stress than anything. Your dream or goal doesn't have to be big either it could be as simple as wanting to pet cats all day or wanting a book from some small country. As for college, get the prereqs done and take a random class that interests you each semester. Heck trade schools are also an option if you like working with your hands. I don't have much to say about the feelings you have. I know they hurt, I know they are hard. I know they will go up and down in intensity and you get to ride that wave. If you don't have a big thing to keep you alive and going, try a small thing. Like who else is going to make that special meal just like you do. Or in my case, who else is going to take care of my furbabies like I do.
  7. Today is a good day. I was productive and cleaned the living room, it less chaos now, and loud music. Got results from the doctor yesterday saying that bloodwise I'm as normal as I can be. And he ordered me to find a councilor within two weeks. Kinda scared about that part. He didn't flinch or look at me like I was bad when I let slip I still self harm, he was just concerned. (I relapsed a month ago after 6 months of none.) The older I get the more i realize that no one cares as long as i get the job done. But I have two days off in a row and I so needed them. I am even going to try anti depressants again. The last time i was on them it took away my creativity. I need that to live. But I am having more bad days that are lasting longer then good days, and I am tired of being strong on my own. Already isolated myself a long time ago, so I'm on my own.
  8. To me you are stronger than you think, you are actively reaching out to have friends now. In the past its nothing you can change. It happened as it did. But you are taking that step now to undo that isolation you had as a child. I recommend you go out with them tonight even just to listen. Its the isolation that hurts ya more. Or at least it does me.
  9. I wish I knew how to connect with people as I have seen others do laughing, joking, being together. I wish i didn't feel so wrong I wish i could have more motivation. And I wish i could clearly communicate with my cats, at least once, to tell them how to use the toilet.
  10. Since its 3 am, Feeling rather calm. Though i suspect it has more to do with the calmness of night then much of anything else. Though today was actually rather productive. Wished I had more time for art though. Stupid adult responsibilities.
  11. I think the only choice we have is how we deal with this creature. Oscar used the metaphor of a cave. I use the metaphor of an entity, a creature that I know is wrong but doesn't help me not listen to it at times. That I have had to learn how to coexist with. Though sadly it has the upper hand lately. But changing how we think, that sometimes requires others.
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