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Coz

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About Coz

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    Newbie

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    Female
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    russia

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  1. ramen noodles, eggs and tortillas
  2. hie Aizen i'm sorry you are going through this, i can understand how it must feel not being able to talk about whats on your mind. i couldn't talk to my family or friends about what i was going through, partly because i felt ashamed, like i was weak and a failure. i was also afraid of being judged, or getting negative feedback from people i was close to, people i saw all the time. so i started posting in online forums. what i found was that i didn't always get advice i could implement in my life but i got people to listen, people who could relate, i basically just had someone to talk to, people who i didn't know, who would be able to identify me in the street and judge me. it was a safe place to talk about my feelings without fear of hurting those closest to me or burdening them. i felt heard and i got stuff off my chest, and this eased the pressure i felt inside me and it helped me get by a little easier. i'm sorry i don't have a grand piece of advice but like everybody here, i am willing to listen, judgment free. because your feelings are valid and you deserve to be heard
  3. how can i come out to anyone as being anything if i cant admit to myself what i am? if i don't even know what i am? am i a lesbian or am i bisexual? honestly, i am afraid of being a lesbian. i'm afraid of the implications, what that would mean for me, how that would change my life. the things i would lose, the people i would hurt in the process, the lives that would be turned upside down. but then again, i am attracted to women. i have been since i was in preschool, before i even knew that the word lesbian existed. i know it as sure as i know that the sun will rise tomorrow, i've never denied it, its who i am. but i can't ever say 100% that i am not attracted to men. i just don't want to have sex with them. i don't know why that is, i never had a problem thinking of men in a sexual way but i cant help but feel disgusted by having a sexual relationship with a man. i have loved men in the past, felt the comfort and happiness that comes from being held by the person you love. they turn me on and i think i enjoy being kissed, or massaged but after that, i feel like throwing up. i don't know how much of my attraction to men is based on this need to be "normal", because in earnest, i want to be bisexual. it gives me a way out. it means i never have to admit to liking women, i get to have my cake and eat it. but i'm so confused now, and its messing up my life. the more i try to accept that my attraction to men may be superficial, the more something inside me tries to keep screams that i am making a bad decision, that i will regret this, the more i keep putting myself in unhealthy relationships with men to try and prove that i am bisexual. its turning into a miserable cycle that i don't know how to break.
  4. hey im an internatioal student doing my undergraduate degree in russia. i had just logged on and i wanted to start a new topic about how i'm feeling when i saw your post. i just started crying with how much your resonates with me. i've been having recurring episodes of depression for years and when i came to russia i was just coming out of one episode that lead me into extreme purging habits. since i came here, the depression has crept back on me, i binge and i hate myself afterwards, so i try and starve myself for days, then i fail to do that and the guilt leads to a binge. when i was diagnosed with depression, my family was not supportive. my parents told me that life wasn't easy and i had to grow up and pull myself together. i love my family to death, i don't want to disappoint them, hurting them is one of the most painful things i can do to myself. so i kept a lot of the emotional problems i had to myself, i didn't have anyone to tell and i turned to some very destructive coping habits. anyway, now im going through a really bad episode, ive never experienced this kind before. i have school so i cant sleep for hours, im always exhausted and my emotional pain doesnt help. though im quite petite, i have a preoccupation with my weight, something i picked up during another depressive episode in the past, so i binge and then starve, and its rinse and repeat. i had started drinking uncontrollably withing a couple of months and it put me in danger and i hated myself in the morning, not to mention all the ways i was affecting the people around me. part of me wants to go home, i do miss my family, but its expensive and i think the money can be better used to support my siblings. i already feel guilty for all the money they send me so i can study, pay bills and all so i cant handle the guilt of more money being diverted towards me. a part of me also doesnt want them to see me as i am now, so i dont want to go home. i am ashamed of how i have become. i'm a mess, and i keep getting worse. i just broke the news about my choice not to go home to my family last night in a voice message. i was to wimpy to say it over a call. i lied and sited academic reasons for staying. i hate lying to them, and i really want to see them. i cry when i think about their hugs, their embrace, i miss them. but i cant be around them right now. i'm sorry this got so long, and its really all over the place. im in a bit of a state right now, but you're not alone. i need you to know that. somewhere in the world, i feel what you are feeling. get better Coz
  5. it always comes back, i know it in my heart but it shocks me every time. i seem to find a little bit of breathing room, seem to have my head above water for a little bit, then all this terrible feelings start creeping back in. small gestures affect me deeply, when my friend is silent for a little longer than usual, i feel like i have done something wrong, i try to go out into the world and be social again, but it exhausts me too quickly, and i don't feel like i'm fitting well. all the weight of the things i haven't done comes crashing down on me and i cant cope with it, it leaves me exhausted physically and emotionally. i try to prioritize, to check things off the list in order of importance but i end up feeling guilty for relegating some things to the less important list. i second guess my decisions, i have no confidence in my own judgment. everyone seems to be better at making good decisions than me. i cant concentrate, i have no focus, and still, the to do list is never finished. there is so much pressure on me to be good at things, to succeed, to be strong and honest and exemplary. but i cant be all those things, i'm failing to be all those things and the guilt of letting down all the people that have put their faith and expectations on me eats away at me everyday. i feel guilty for wanting to rest, for feeling tired, for feeling sad and weighed down by life. i feel guilty for wanting a break, for wanting something to make myself happy, for taking little pleasures, for being happy when other people are not. i feel like a burden, a waste of space, money and time. a disappointment waiting to happen. i don't feel like people must make sacrifices for me, they shouldn't have to suffer to help me become something, because deep down i don't think i'll make it. i don't think i will become anything worth while. i don't deserve sacrifice , i am worth nothing. i am weak and pathetic. and this is the chain of events and train of thought that puts me back in the hole. it cripples me for weeks, even months at times. they i find a little break and i think i can see the light again, and i think i am doing better, but the cycle comes back round. i am stuck in it. I'm tired Coz
  6. Coz

    zombie

    i always feel just a little guilty for wanting to be alone and doing nothing, other people no doubt have problems but they get up everyday and get on with life😔
  7. Coz

    zombie

    i hate functioning without any feelings. just going through my life like a machine, a zombie. all i feel is tired. last night i tod myself i needed some time away from my normal everyday life so i went over to my friend's house with 2 other mutual friends. i regret that. faking the enjoyment was excruciating and exhausting, there was alcohol, i don't drink anymore and being constantly asked to drink was just annoying as hell. i didn't enjoy dancing and i hated it when they kept asking me to dance. i got irritated by very small things, i didn't have the patience to tolerate drunk behaviour. i just wanted to be alone. i wanted to be in my room, in silence. just me and my bed, no neighbors down the corridor who come over to talk about stupid things, just myself in silence, alone. i dont even want to wake up for classes anymore, i just want to stay in my bed. i dont want to see my friends, i just want to sleep. i dont want to eat, food tastes bland now. i just want to sleep, wake up and stare at my laptop then sleep again. but i have responsibilities so i just get up and move through life like a zombie
  8. i'm the opposite, i go through long sedentary phases when i cant accomplish anything then get a short burst of energy during which i try and do everything i have to. i cant take breaks, or i just fall off the wagon again. it usually lasts about 30 minutes to an hour. its my productive hour of the week
  9. thanks everybody for the kind words, they are more than i hoped for honestly. i really didn't mean to lessen anyone's experience by suggesting depression makes people weak. i hope no takes offense at that. i just cant help but feel like i am weaker that most people. i have so much and yet i feel like i have nothing that matters. i will never know what its like to be homeless or to go to bed hungry but i still find reasons to be unhappy. when i try to discuss this feeling of emptiness i always get the same reaction. that i'm an ingrate, that i should be content. they just don't get that its not about material things, its about a hollow feeling in my chest. i always end up feeling like i should just suck it up, there is worse positions to be in and i should be glad i'm not in them. like my pain takes away the value of people who are truly suffering i'm in a small city in russia, thousands of miles, an ocean and a continent away from my family and basically everything i have ever know. honestly, two years ago, i thought this what i needed, to be away from the people and situations that triggered me the most, but now that i'm away fro those things, i'm finding that there is a whole new set of triggers and pressure and stress and i feel so unprepared to cope, unlike the people around me. the english speaking community here is really small and i cant really open up to any of them. too much gossip and negativity and i cant go to a russian therapist 😪 life can be so exhausting
  10. i thought i had for the most part overcome depression, even if it always remained a dark stain on my past. but little by little i'm feeling it creeping back on me again. the symptoms are a little different this time round so i recognized it a little late that i was falling back in. anyway, what scares me the most is that this time is the fact that i'm alone. i didn't have any support form anyone the first time round but my family was always around me and i just told myself they loved me even if they didn't believe depression was "a thing". now i'm on a different continent surrounded by strangers and i feel so isolated. i'm too scared to test my new friendships with something as polarizing as depression. at the same time, i'm pulling away from people that seem to care for me because in the past, i lost my friends when i was going through depression, i didn't feel like interacting and faking being happy was too hard so i just withdrew and they all moved on. im scared to commit to new friendships because i don't want to feel the same pain of being abandoned by people again. it was really hard to accept the first time. i'm trying to cope as best i can but my coping strategies are just not healthy and are already spiraling out of control. that's how i found myself here on this website that i have no clue how to use, i cant access the information i want and its so frustrating. already beginning to feel like this is another dead end😪
  11. Coz

    New and Lonely

    hey Jess, i'm new too. one of the reasons i joined this online community is because i feel so alone and isolated even though i'm surrounded by people. its one of those things i've felt for years, as far back as my childhood. i bottle stuff up and i never feel like i am truly part of a whole, a group or family as long as they don't really know what's going through my head. i'm afraid of opening up to my friends and my family doesn't believe in depression so its just me. i always have my guard up and it makes all my interactions feel superficial. i always wonder when my friends will leave me, i know everyone leaves in the end. i don't want to talk to them about how i feel because i don't want them to judge me or think of me as weak or emotional or maladjusted. the sick bit is that i really want to be close to someone, to have a group of people i can call family. people that feel like home. i don't have any childhood friends, we moved a lot and i lost most of my friends in my teen years when i had my first depressive episodes and pushed them all away. i'm even afraid to really commit to any new friendships because i'm on and off with depression and i don't want to feel the pain of losing people over and over. i don't know if any of this is relevant but it felt ok posting here. i hope you find people you can let in, who love you and make you feel safe ❤️
  12. i wish i didn't feel so guilty all the time i wish i was as strong as everyone else and not a depressed sissy i wish i was sad instead of this angry/numb feeling that i don't know how to cope with i wish i could stop hurting myself, its so self defeating i wish i could love myself i wish i could just hug my family, i miss them so much i wish i was invisible
  13. hi Jay😊 i wish i could give you pointers but i have very poor, destructive coping habits that i'm trying to kick. but i felt so horrible seeing your thread with zero replies and i just wanted to let you know that someone read, and someone cared. i'm sorry for your loss. when my grandma passed my mom told me she went somewhere quiet and had a good cry and it helped. i hope you feel better soon.
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