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Raven Wolf

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    Denver
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    Piano, writing, poetry, music, movies, dance, quantum physics, mediation, mantras/chants

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  1. DeltaHeavy, Your post really resonates with me. Thank you for sharing. I think this is one of the main causes of depression related to empaths. It is a new age term to say you are an "empath" but there is a lot of science behind it. Mainly, people that can intensely feel the pain of the world are born with more mirror neurons. This means that we feel everything! The opposite, a narcissist or sociopath, for example, are born with a deficiency of mirror neurons making them unable to feel others, thus they are capable of doing horrible things without being affected. The new age world will tell you that it is a "gift" but really!? It sure doesn't feel like a gift. The problem is that humanity is in a state of great suffering and us feelers get to feel all of that. Yipee! I believe this is also the cause of the intense fear of being hurt we feel. With this "gift" we are capable of feeling states of love very intensely but as the scales balance the hurt that comes with the loss of such states can be very intensely felt, more than what most people feel. Another paradox about being an empath is that we have a very hard time being alone and at the same time we are very cautious about who we let in, fearing the pain of being hurt and find it difficult for us to be out in a world where we feel everything. This is where the virtual world can be helpful. I hope you can find comfort through the great virtual outlets available.
  2. The new age spiritual mindset will try to make you believe that you have a choice and that it is just as easy as thinking positively, meditating and doing loads of yoga. But it is an illness. It would be like telling someone that has diabetes to just tell their body to start producing more insulin. The difficult part of having an illness of the mind is that it tricks you into believe that you are worthless, that you are choosing this and that you somehow have the power to will it away. Even more difficult is that the treatment options are horrible. So it leaves a large population having the huge burden of going through life with a much suffering. You are not choosing to be unhappy. You were just born into a world that misunderstands and poorly treats many illnesses, especially ours.
  3. I often wonder if it's best to let children have their innocence believing the world is all sparkles and unicorns. Or if it is best to give it to them straight so they don't have to deal with that disappointment later. Your view seems to land somewhere in the middle and is a great response to that question!
  4. Quite profound! Thank you for sharing. There is much that I resonate with here and it is good not to feel like the only alien in the room A few interesting points I wanted to touch on... I too have always wondered how so many people could go through life with such easy. Are they not seeing what I'm seeing? I would often wanted to shake people and be like, "hello!? Look around people!" But now I just envy them. In a way I wish I could go through life like that. I use to be more accepting of my condition, "Oh my darkness gives me some kind of alluring depth and deeper wisdom of places most have not been too." But now it just mostly feels like a f@#$%ing curse. It is sad when we lose our innocence to the wonders that life once promised. It is like a child realizing that Santa Claus is fake. You just get older and one day even the things that use to bring hope and happiness appear as they really are. This shit is definitely no fairy tale and most stories do not have a happy ending. I use to believe in a creator. Now I think it's just rubbish. I'd like to believe that this is just one big simulation and when I come out of it, it will be like, "Wow, that was one messed up ride." "Well ma'am, you did sign up to give one hour of this life to experience a lifetime in simulated reality where you must struggle to learn difficult lesson." "Well F you, don't sign me up for that shit again." And then they tell you that you could have ended the simulation at any time but you lost yourself to the simulation that somehow convinced you that there is some glorious prize for those that make it to the finish line and some karmic punishment for those that don't. It is interesting though, isn't it? The micro and the macro. One can get lost trying to figure out the bigger picture or one can feel so small looking at the simplicity of nature and nurture. This is one of the faults I see in "mental illness." A much more curious mind meant to go mad pondering the complexities of this thing we call reality.
  5. Thank you for the welcome all! BeyondWeary, it certainly does take a lot of courage and strength. Epictetus, thank you for the compliments. I'm sorry you are dealing with the crippling effects of tendinitis. I know it is difficult not to be able to express freely without pain. Oscar K, metaphors are a beautiful way to put life into perspective aren't they? I have worked very hard to take control of my psyche but it proves unsuccessful time and time again. Really, who is running this shit show? I feel like a back seat driver in a car headed for the rails. At some point during the medication bout, it went into autopilot and I just haven't been able to take back to wheel since. Another metaphor Also I wonder why people say life is too short. Is it really? It feels long and tiresome and most times quite a bore.
  6. So what does one do when the pain of the world has crippled them into a solitude of darkness? I was diagnosed with depression when I was 15 after my parents divorced. I was put on an antidepressant which I got off a few years later and was doing fine until my brother died when I was 21. Again I was put on an antidepressant (Celexa) that I was stable on for about 5 years. Eventually it pooped out and having gone through the hell of the discontinuation effects, vowed never to go on medication again. I was medication free for about 5 years but since then life has been an extreme struggle. I don't think I was ever quite myself after coming off of the medication. But one begins to wonder what that even means after being altered chemically for so many years. Is this really what I am? Is this some kind of brain damage due a chemical dependance, altering the natural function of a brain? Is this the progression of the "illness" I have labeled with? Or more likely, what I begin to wonder...has life just hit me so many times that eventually the bruises turn into wounds, the wounds turn into scars and those scars never fully heal. Eventually the wonder of life and the hope that this could be anything more begins to dwindle. In so many attempts to be free of depression and anxiety one simple becomes hopeless—stuck in a hole that is both bottomless and inescapable. To elucidate further, this last attempt is what really did me in. I took a huge leap, using everything I had left financially and leaving behind everything else to immerse myself into a 4 month ayahuasca and entheogenic journey. I can honestly say that that type of treatment should not be recommended for a futilitarian who already deals with existentialism related anxiety. Coming back from that left me in the deepest depression of my life. I was more open than ever, feeling like my empathic traits were uncontrollably magnified. And all I saw when I looked around was the suffering and sadness of this world. It was like a veil had been lifted but what was revealed was this prison of perpetual suffering that we are all trapped in. I needed to escape the pain so after vowing never to take medication again, I reneged and gave into western medicine. I justed wanted it to go away. But knowledge cannot be erased and blissful ignorance can never be regained. My brain seems to reject the medication now, as if the trauma imprinted onto my soul has been carved too deeply. What I am left with is a crippling PTSD from that experience and the culmination of now obviously traceable life long woundings. My doctor wants to put me on an antipsychotic but I know how that will end—with a brain that can't function and a consuming madness that will surely take over. I can't get a job because I know how that will end—letting people down over and over again being unable to provide consistency and dependability. I am terrified of love knowing how that will end—having yet another heartbreak spiral me into a deep depression. But then I wonder if I even want any of those things. Do I want to get better? Do I want to be a part of this commodity-driven society where I am valued only by contributing consumption? Do I want to ever be in love again knowing that giving someone a piece of your heart only means that when it ends they will take that part of you leaving behind even fewer pieces of heart left in this shell that is you? So where does one go from here? When does one realize that the fight has ended and now all you are doing is simple existing? I tell myself that I could never end it all because it would be too painful for my mom, having already dealt with the death of one child. But is that true I wonder? What I am to her at this point is simply a parasite—draining her financially and emotionally. No one should have to live like this. It makes me sad that we live in a society that values life more than they value compassion. We put animals down that are sick, why make someone going through life with so much pain? So I conclude there are three options left to choose from: 1. Take the medication and sink into a sedative shell of a person controlled by the society in which it hates. 2. Come to terms that life is shit, you will never be the person you were and give up trying to fix something that could never be mended. 3. Just be done with the ****ing thing already.
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