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Soarsie18

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  1. Like
    Soarsie18 reacted to nojoy for a blog entry, Fear   
    FEAR -- a strong emotion caused by great worry about something dangerous, painful or unknown that is happening or might happen.
    Sounds simple. A noun that can stop the strongest person but fear can paralyze a depressed person. Fear can cause the flight or fight response in the brain. There is one other option that no one talks about - flight, fight or freeze. 
    I have spend fifty plus years in the freeze mode. Every argument at home, I froze. Every time I was make fun of, bullied, or felt insecure I froze. Every time I faced the unknown, I froze. Even when I played out the various outcomes of every situation, I froze. Fear keeps me from being more than I am. I fear leaving home to go to work or store and I fear going home. I have a mouth of bad teeth because I fear going to a new dentist. I fear having medical tests done for fear of being told I have some weird disorder.  I fear dying because I will fail. 
    Thanks to @Soarsie18 (Love you Sunshine!) I have been able to see how fear has controlled my life. The therapist is going to have a field day when I see her on Tuesday and I tell her I have discovered what has been holding me back. Is anything going to change immediately? No.  This is a learned behavior that I will have to unlearn.  Just like the self-doubt, self-hate and the rumination that I am forever engaging in thinking that I can change the past and predict the future. 
    One one baby step at a time. I can't undo everything at once. Even though, I would like to!!! (And often try to which leads to the frustration which for me leads to fear which leads to overwhelming depression which leads to me shutting down. Wow that is a bad ride on the carousel.
  2. Like
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from nojoy for a blog entry, Properly letting go   
    I've told myself to let go but it's clear that I still haven't learned how to do that yet. I'm still trying to force a future thats completely out of my control. And it makes me angry and defeated when I can't find a way to make it work. So instead of giving up on life completely, why can't i just let go. Live for this moment right now, even though i don't have much, it''s painful, it's far from perfect, but still, I should try and make life easier for myself right ?
    I have these voices in my head telling me that i'm not strong enough to survive till then. So I need to start telling myself that I am. I am strong enough. Whether i believe it or not. I have to try`and be. 
    This is going to be painful - being strong. It's going to be very painful. 
    I'm telling myself that I have to. For all of those friends out there that have wished me the best, I have to. For my parents who have paid for my therapy and appointments, I have to. 
    I feel so guilty and ashamed when i talk about giving up, but then at the same time I feel defeated if i try and talk myself into fighting back. 
    So heres the compromise. Living each day, just that little bit better. Walking, eating well, going outside, cuddling with furries. It may not be enough to fulfil me forever, but it has to be enough to carry me through this tough time right now. 
    Not thinking to much about the future. Hopefully doors will open up to me soon. 
    Thanks for the support, I appreciate it so much. 
     
  3. Like
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from Atra for a blog entry, Properly letting go   
    I've told myself to let go but it's clear that I still haven't learned how to do that yet. I'm still trying to force a future thats completely out of my control. And it makes me angry and defeated when I can't find a way to make it work. So instead of giving up on life completely, why can't i just let go. Live for this moment right now, even though i don't have much, it''s painful, it's far from perfect, but still, I should try and make life easier for myself right ?
    I have these voices in my head telling me that i'm not strong enough to survive till then. So I need to start telling myself that I am. I am strong enough. Whether i believe it or not. I have to try`and be. 
    This is going to be painful - being strong. It's going to be very painful. 
    I'm telling myself that I have to. For all of those friends out there that have wished me the best, I have to. For my parents who have paid for my therapy and appointments, I have to. 
    I feel so guilty and ashamed when i talk about giving up, but then at the same time I feel defeated if i try and talk myself into fighting back. 
    So heres the compromise. Living each day, just that little bit better. Walking, eating well, going outside, cuddling with furries. It may not be enough to fulfil me forever, but it has to be enough to carry me through this tough time right now. 
    Not thinking to much about the future. Hopefully doors will open up to me soon. 
    Thanks for the support, I appreciate it so much. 
     
  4. Sad
    Soarsie18 reacted to nojoy for a blog entry, Should've never try to start a new chapter in my life   
    So my big plan to start a new chapter in my life to win the small fights against depression, to find another job, to try to live better than I have been has been an epic failure.
    Don't know why I even bothered. Depression slapped me hard and I could not handle the overwhelming fear of failure. I am a failure at everything I do or try to do. How many times have I tried and met failure. It's not worth the anguish to try anymore.  I am just going to make it from one day to the next. No expectations, no promises to myself, and continue hiding behind the fake smile and contentment.
  5. Like
    Soarsie18 reacted to Depressedgurl007 for a blog entry, Lifting myself up   
    Got this online and want to put it somewhere:
    Think of the amazing things in your life. Think of your family / caring friends / or anything else you value. Be grateful. 
    Think about what has upset you. Know that it could have been much worse. Visualise the worst case scenario and allow yourself to feel better. This is not that bad.
    Imagine this difficult situation happening to someone you love. If your best friend is going through the same thing, what advice would you give them? How would you make them feel better? Now apply that advice on yourself.
    Imagine yourself three years from now. Will this matter in three years? Will you remember what made you upset? Emotions may seem to fill your being in the moment, but they are fleeting and may soon fade into the distance. Visualise your pain or anger becoming smaller and fading over time until it disappears.
    Take time to be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to feel gratitude because you can learn from this experience. You have done your best in each moment. You do not need to blame yourself or feel at fault.
    Think about the cause of this feeling. Does this define you? Think about the infinite experiences and feelings that make you who you are. This one issue has no lasting effect. You are strong and this feeling is small; don’t allow it to have power over you. Compartmentalise this feeling and keep it separate from your sense of self.
    Move on! 
  6. Like
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from nojoy for a blog entry, Letting go   
    I'm going to need tremendous strength to dig myself out of this one. 
    That responsibility bestowed upon me weighs like a ton.
    Strength that I have never, and will never have the capability to possess.
     But, they'd never believe me, if I were to confess. 
    Regardless they'd like to believe it's possible. 
    But I am, and never once have been that able.
    The only way for me to escape this now,
    Is to leave it all behind me and let freedom allow,
    whatever it is that the universe has to offer me,
    I have to accept it, somehow, and not feel so guilty. 
     
  7. Like
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from Tears_Always for a blog entry, Letting go   
    I'm going to need tremendous strength to dig myself out of this one. 
    That responsibility bestowed upon me weighs like a ton.
    Strength that I have never, and will never have the capability to possess.
     But, they'd never believe me, if I were to confess. 
    Regardless they'd like to believe it's possible. 
    But I am, and never once have been that able.
    The only way for me to escape this now,
    Is to leave it all behind me and let freedom allow,
    whatever it is that the universe has to offer me,
    I have to accept it, somehow, and not feel so guilty. 
     
  8. Like
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from JD4010 for a blog entry, Letting go   
    I'm going to need tremendous strength to dig myself out of this one. 
    That responsibility bestowed upon me weighs like a ton.
    Strength that I have never, and will never have the capability to possess.
     But, they'd never believe me, if I were to confess. 
    Regardless they'd like to believe it's possible. 
    But I am, and never once have been that able.
    The only way for me to escape this now,
    Is to leave it all behind me and let freedom allow,
    whatever it is that the universe has to offer me,
    I have to accept it, somehow, and not feel so guilty. 
     
  9. Like
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from Lostonesweeping for a blog entry, Letting go   
    I'm going to need tremendous strength to dig myself out of this one. 
    That responsibility bestowed upon me weighs like a ton.
    Strength that I have never, and will never have the capability to possess.
     But, they'd never believe me, if I were to confess. 
    Regardless they'd like to believe it's possible. 
    But I am, and never once have been that able.
    The only way for me to escape this now,
    Is to leave it all behind me and let freedom allow,
    whatever it is that the universe has to offer me,
    I have to accept it, somehow, and not feel so guilty. 
     
  10. Like
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from Atra for a blog entry, Letting go   
    I'm going to need tremendous strength to dig myself out of this one. 
    That responsibility bestowed upon me weighs like a ton.
    Strength that I have never, and will never have the capability to possess.
     But, they'd never believe me, if I were to confess. 
    Regardless they'd like to believe it's possible. 
    But I am, and never once have been that able.
    The only way for me to escape this now,
    Is to leave it all behind me and let freedom allow,
    whatever it is that the universe has to offer me,
    I have to accept it, somehow, and not feel so guilty. 
     
  11. Like
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from JD4010 for a blog entry, I’m Crying   
    I haven’t said anything in a while because for once I feel alive. I’m so grateful to just ‘feel’ again that I want to cry with joy all the time. I can’t tell you whats happened. Maybe just a couple of good exams. But that flick has been switched from total self destruction to digging myself out of this hole I’ve created.
    It was never about having the energy or having the means to do it. It was the motivation I was lacking in. Whats the point trying when you feel so useless. You might be able to ‘try’ for a couple of days but then what ? nothing, nothing changes and you’re left feeling even more useless.
    I guess my point is I don’t feel like that anymore. Is this the end ? nope. I’m sure the dark cloud will come back to haunt me again at some point. But if it’s any incentive, THIS FEELING I HAVE RIGHT NOW IS SO WORTH IT. haha I might just cry again. I’ll try not to. 
     
  12. Like
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from nojoy for a blog entry, I’m Crying   
    I haven’t said anything in a while because for once I feel alive. I’m so grateful to just ‘feel’ again that I want to cry with joy all the time. I can’t tell you whats happened. Maybe just a couple of good exams. But that flick has been switched from total self destruction to digging myself out of this hole I’ve created.
    It was never about having the energy or having the means to do it. It was the motivation I was lacking in. Whats the point trying when you feel so useless. You might be able to ‘try’ for a couple of days but then what ? nothing, nothing changes and you’re left feeling even more useless.
    I guess my point is I don’t feel like that anymore. Is this the end ? nope. I’m sure the dark cloud will come back to haunt me again at some point. But if it’s any incentive, THIS FEELING I HAVE RIGHT NOW IS SO WORTH IT. haha I might just cry again. I’ll try not to. 
     
  13. Like
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from Tears_Always for a blog entry, I’m Crying   
    I haven’t said anything in a while because for once I feel alive. I’m so grateful to just ‘feel’ again that I want to cry with joy all the time. I can’t tell you whats happened. Maybe just a couple of good exams. But that flick has been switched from total self destruction to digging myself out of this hole I’ve created.
    It was never about having the energy or having the means to do it. It was the motivation I was lacking in. Whats the point trying when you feel so useless. You might be able to ‘try’ for a couple of days but then what ? nothing, nothing changes and you’re left feeling even more useless.
    I guess my point is I don’t feel like that anymore. Is this the end ? nope. I’m sure the dark cloud will come back to haunt me again at some point. But if it’s any incentive, THIS FEELING I HAVE RIGHT NOW IS SO WORTH IT. haha I might just cry again. I’ll try not to. 
     
  14. Thanks
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from Jamark8 for a blog entry, I don't know how this helps anyone   
    I've said this before. I take things to the extreme. 
    I've always been very hard on myself. Unless I'm pushed to my limits I don't feel accomplished, and I very rarely feel content with myself.
    I have the ability to home all my focus into just one thing, and end up neglecting everything else around me. 
    That got me into a lot of trouble last year,
    and I guess because of that, I'm in even more trouble right now. 
    ---
    I remember the feeling I had then. I felt like I was hanging on to a cliff edge.
    never able to relax,
    constantly at risk,
    just barely holding on to life.
    I wasn't depressed because I still had hope,
    and I knew that it would all come to an end someday.
    And I knew that I had something to look forwards to afterwards. 
    And I was willing to make myself physically and mentally ill to get there.
    --
    But then it all fell to pieces. I had no hope. I had no future. I was back to square one. 
    And even worse, I was now damaged on the inside. 
    I don't know how I've made it to this point now.
    But for some reason, I'm ready to try again. 
    I wouldn't say I'm motivated in the same way as last year.
    I am far more accepting now. I guess I've come to accept that I have no control over what other people decide is right for me. I have no control over whether I get an offer or not, therefore no control over whether I get to move out next year, and make friends. 
    I  can only hope that I do, but after so much disappointment I've lost hope in everything good. 
    Instead this time I'm focused on the things I can control. It's quite empowering.
    I'm not going to let myself get into the same state as last year. But at the same time I'm not going down without a fight. 
    It's my lifeline, my ticket out of here. And although I have no hope, no motivation,  I'm not ready to keel over and to never know how it could have turned out differently if I'd tried. 
    ---
    A few months ago, I had no hope that I'd regain this kind of resilience.
    I'm still extremely depressed at the moment, but I guess that's something to be thankful for, that I'm at least giving myself a chance now.
     
  15. Like
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from nojoy for a blog entry, I don't know how this helps anyone   
    I've said this before. I take things to the extreme. 
    I've always been very hard on myself. Unless I'm pushed to my limits I don't feel accomplished, and I very rarely feel content with myself.
    I have the ability to home all my focus into just one thing, and end up neglecting everything else around me. 
    That got me into a lot of trouble last year,
    and I guess because of that, I'm in even more trouble right now. 
    ---
    I remember the feeling I had then. I felt like I was hanging on to a cliff edge.
    never able to relax,
    constantly at risk,
    just barely holding on to life.
    I wasn't depressed because I still had hope,
    and I knew that it would all come to an end someday.
    And I knew that I had something to look forwards to afterwards. 
    And I was willing to make myself physically and mentally ill to get there.
    --
    But then it all fell to pieces. I had no hope. I had no future. I was back to square one. 
    And even worse, I was now damaged on the inside. 
    I don't know how I've made it to this point now.
    But for some reason, I'm ready to try again. 
    I wouldn't say I'm motivated in the same way as last year.
    I am far more accepting now. I guess I've come to accept that I have no control over what other people decide is right for me. I have no control over whether I get an offer or not, therefore no control over whether I get to move out next year, and make friends. 
    I  can only hope that I do, but after so much disappointment I've lost hope in everything good. 
    Instead this time I'm focused on the things I can control. It's quite empowering.
    I'm not going to let myself get into the same state as last year. But at the same time I'm not going down without a fight. 
    It's my lifeline, my ticket out of here. And although I have no hope, no motivation,  I'm not ready to keel over and to never know how it could have turned out differently if I'd tried. 
    ---
    A few months ago, I had no hope that I'd regain this kind of resilience.
    I'm still extremely depressed at the moment, but I guess that's something to be thankful for, that I'm at least giving myself a chance now.
     
  16. Like
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from nojoy for a blog entry, Update:   
    I feel so empty and in-different to everything going on. Nothing is good enough so why would it matter anyway. 
    I've taken a huge step back, I don't know why.
    I can function again right ? I can get out of bed and get dressed without too much effort ? I even went out with my friends that one time. 
    I guess I get carried away when I see improvement. I think ..ah this is it, this is the end now. Only to be knocked down again.
    There's nothing I can do, there's nothing that anyone can do, I'm just stuck here. 
    What's even worse is that I'm expected to be an extraordinary person on top of that. Someone who can compartmentalise their feelings, and can shift their focus to the task ahead. 
    Maybe if I was well, I could try and not get so affected by them. 
    But I'm not well. I'm really not well. Prozac helped a bit. But it only helped so much. There's still so much missing. I'm tired of waking up feeling like this. I'm so tired. I just want to let go of everything. I'd be happy to, I'd pass away peacefully. 
     
  17. Sad
    Soarsie18 reacted to JD4010 for a blog entry, Before it's too late...   
    I found out this morning that a friend dropped dead from a heart attack. Suddenly and without warning. I have another friend who seems to be losing his battle with cancer. He's a big strapping guy with the strength of ten men. But his battle is almost over, I fear.
    I'm turning 60 later this year. I've worked at the same place for almost 31 years and my heart is no longer in it. I went through an ugly divorce and then more recently lost my girlfriend.
    Is it too selfish to want to retire before "it's too late"? I've known several colleagues who have retired and then croaked not too long afterwards.
    I can't afford to retire of course. But I never will be able to. Like many people in the US, I am hanging on by fingernails because of healthcare. I'm chained to my job as a result.
    I suffer from a genetic condition that is slowly eating my lungs and also causing tumors in my remaining kidney (the other was removed back in 2008 because of a massive tumor). Why do I keep putting myself through the stress and anxiety of work?
  18. Sad
    Soarsie18 reacted to Devlinkyla for a blog entry, Never hade a blog before   
    So I just need to finally say it I was raped almost a year ago in July am having a very hard time still bad dreams blaming my self I was very drunk not like I asked for this to happen but I also finally told people and myself I have a drinking problem because when you drink for 5 days it might be s problem I also don’t like how it makes me feel but yet I still want to drink that’s right there to me is crazy so I have been holding this all in because I don’t know how to talk about it but I need to let it out I need a lot of things like to stop blaming myself and to forgive my self for the mistakes I made after I hurt my self he took my phone so I couldn’t call anyone he also took my money lucky he didn’t take my bank card and lucky I hade money still because I wouldn’t of hade money for food or anything I couldn’t eat because I also did drugs that’s how bad I wanted to forget forget how bad I miss my old life my kids my ex hubby who I still love more then words could say my son got hurt at school and having bad dreams where he wakes up scareaming your hurting me my girl Kyla is going blind but there trying to find a way to fix it but it’s scary they don’t know why it’s happening my ex hubby has a kidney disease and he’s kidneys are faileing so I feel like he’s going to die not sure when we well not know when it well happen but yet I know you never see it tell it happens the kids need him I need him not like we well ever get back together but yet you never know right my dog that lives with the kids is having seizures makes me sad but there giveing him same thing for that so he’s not having them there is a never ending problems happened last year I think this is like a vent I needed to do for the longest time
  19. Like
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from Ratvan for a blog entry, Self-pity (an Inhibitor)   
    Life is unfair. 
    If you look at life from the perspective of good and bad.
    Some people are more fortunate, others are less fortunate.
    Shouldn't it be equal ?
    Why should one person have it easy whilst someone else has to struggle with sh*t throughout life. 
    -----
    That's the perspective that I used to have.
    I would view myself as being less fortunate than others -
    why did i fail my exams when I tried so hard and sacrificed so much ?
    Why do I have a knee injury which is stopping me from going out, exercising and surfing ?
    Why have all my friends moved away and i'm left here on my own ?
    Why do I have to re-apply to uni after getting so close to being accepted and working hard towards it my whole life ?
    Why am I depressed ?
    and on and on. -
    In short, I was feeling self- pity
    That feeling was feeding into my depression, 
    until I was told to by a very wise man to change my perspective.
    The truth is there is an underlying good, in every bad.
    -> failing my exams taught me the importance of having a good work-life balance, taking care of my mental health and above all - the importance of sleep !
    -> My knee operation taught me the importance of physical health, it taught me to stop hating my body for the way it looked and start loving it for healing me, and helping me get back to normal
    -> My friends moving away helped me realise how much I needed them, how grateful I was to have them around. Since then I've put more effort into maintaining relationships and have opened up more instead of pushing them away when I'm depressed
    -> Having to re-do the final year of A levels has given me the chance to mature as a person and has further instilled the passion and determination in me to be a vet.
    -> Being depressed has helped me appreciate life 100x more when i'm not depressed. It's made me GRATEFUL, its made me STRONG, its made me more CARING. 
    So, when life seems unfair. 
    When the universe is testing you,
    Try to take on a new perspective:
    The universe is giving you a chance to grow, to become stronger, and to learn a lesson from every situation.
     
     
     
  20. Like
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from Ratvan for a blog entry, I want to be content when I die   
    I just watched a Louis Theroux episode called 'Edge of life'. 
    It showed hospital patients who were on the verge of death, and it showed them and their loved ones having to swallow the death sentences that had been given to them. A particular guy moved me to tears. His name is Langston and he was in his early 20s.
    Langston had overdosed on heroin which caused severe brain damage and ended him in a coma.
    The hospital called in a Neurologist to examine his brain scans. Langstons prognosis was that he would never wake up from the coma. His brain was too damaged from lack of oxygen to ever function again.
    They told his family that he would never recover, never be able to respond, eat, breath voluntarily,  and would remain in a vegetated state. 
    The experts advised that Langston should be taken off of life support after 5 days of being non-responsive. 
    (They say if theres no improvement within the first few days, then it's most likely the patient won't improve at all)
    Despite the experts knowledge on Langstons condition, the family were adamant that Langston would recover to full health. 
    And so, a few weeks later (when it was almost definitely confirmed that Langston was dead)  - Langston woke up.
    He opened his eyes, looked at his sister  and for the first time was actually seeing her.
    Nurse - 'Langston, who is this" (pointing at his sister)
    Langston - (turning his head in that direction) 'my sister"
     
    A few months had passed with Langston undergoing some intense physiotherapy.
    And the at the end of the episode was a clip of Langston, confidently walking back into the hospital where he was told he was going to die.
    Just as his family said - he was fully recovered.
    His recovery was 1 in a million. Absolutely unheard of in the medical world.
    It moved me.
    I couldn't help but think of myself in that position, and the things that I want to accomplish before then.
    I've never been the kind of girl to be ok with 50% effort. I'm either all or nothing. 
    And I don't want to die with any regrets of not having done enough or not having tried enough.
    'Cause by the time you're at that point in life, you stop caring what other people think of you, you stop worrying about their judgement. 
    Yet throughout life, fear is a constant factor that stops you from stepping out of your comfort zone, from voicing your opinion, or standing out from the crowd in any way.
    I'm not saying I want to be different to everyone else out there. 
    I just want to be comfortable being me,
    to stop worrying about whether people will accept me or not. those people won't matter to me when i'm on my death bed.
    You have to live life as you want, not let fear control you or stop you from going further. 
    Personally, i know that I need to become a vet before I die. I'm scared of being inadequate to all the other vet applicants. I'm scared of embarrassing myself, i'm scared of failure. 
    But, if i stop pursuing my dream because i'm scared that i'm not good enough,  i'll end up spending the rest of my life believing that i'm not good enough.
     
    Hang in there.
    Never stop believing in yourself, no matter how much the odds are stacked up against you.
    Because, you will only fail when you decide to give up on yourself. 
     
     
     
  21. Like
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from Ratvan for a blog entry, The Dark Pit   
    You don't want to sleep, 
    but you don't want to be awake.
    You don't want to eat, 
    but you don't want to be hungry.
    You don't want to be around people, 
    but you don't want to be alone.
    You don't want to do anything, 
    but you don't want to do nothing.
    What you really want to do is stop existing,
    but you can't do that without dying, 
    and you don't really want to do that either.
  22. Sad
    Soarsie18 reacted to Natasha1 for a blog entry, Yeah im a piece. A big piece too.   
    Its funny. Some wonder why i feel like i do. They wonder why i treat myself poorly. Hate myself. See myself as worthless.
    That old belief or saying...whatever it is (i am too stupid to know)...if you hear the insults enough...if your treated a certain way enough...etc...you will either believe it is true or act as if it is. Act the way they say you are.
    Because it must be true.
    So treat me like i'm crap. Go ahead. Thats what i am after all, right? Otherwise you wouldnt treat me that way right? And neither would they.
  23. Sad
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from moodyjuniper for a blog entry, Wavelengths   
    No matter what I say, no one will ever understand me.
    No matter how convincing I try to be, no one will ever believe me.
    My cries are falling upon deaf ears.
    They carry on with their planning and gossip as if nothing has ever happened. 
    I feel as though I am living with terminal cancer, and everyone is treating me like I'm suffering with the flu. 
    - A temporary pain in the arse, but will pass eventually 
    No.
    I really thought I wasn't going to come back this time.
    Even now I'm not sure.
    And yet with all of this inner turmoil that I carry , I still am constantly surrounded by meaninglessness. 
    If it weren't for you guys on df, posting about depression in the  gravity that I feel myself, I would have most definitely gone insane by now. 
    I don't want more attention.
    I don't want self-pity
    I just want a change. Any change.
    Depression turned my life upside down.
    But it didn't do the same for the people around me.
    And now, we are on completely different wavelengths.
     
    And I'm left here, in a world far from everyone, all on my own.
  24. Sad
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from JD4010 for a blog entry, Wavelengths   
    No matter what I say, no one will ever understand me.
    No matter how convincing I try to be, no one will ever believe me.
    My cries are falling upon deaf ears.
    They carry on with their planning and gossip as if nothing has ever happened. 
    I feel as though I am living with terminal cancer, and everyone is treating me like I'm suffering with the flu. 
    - A temporary pain in the arse, but will pass eventually 
    No.
    I really thought I wasn't going to come back this time.
    Even now I'm not sure.
    And yet with all of this inner turmoil that I carry , I still am constantly surrounded by meaninglessness. 
    If it weren't for you guys on df, posting about depression in the  gravity that I feel myself, I would have most definitely gone insane by now. 
    I don't want more attention.
    I don't want self-pity
    I just want a change. Any change.
    Depression turned my life upside down.
    But it didn't do the same for the people around me.
    And now, we are on completely different wavelengths.
     
    And I'm left here, in a world far from everyone, all on my own.
  25. Sad
    Soarsie18 got a reaction from Berri for a blog entry, Wavelengths   
    No matter what I say, no one will ever understand me.
    No matter how convincing I try to be, no one will ever believe me.
    My cries are falling upon deaf ears.
    They carry on with their planning and gossip as if nothing has ever happened. 
    I feel as though I am living with terminal cancer, and everyone is treating me like I'm suffering with the flu. 
    - A temporary pain in the arse, but will pass eventually 
    No.
    I really thought I wasn't going to come back this time.
    Even now I'm not sure.
    And yet with all of this inner turmoil that I carry , I still am constantly surrounded by meaninglessness. 
    If it weren't for you guys on df, posting about depression in the  gravity that I feel myself, I would have most definitely gone insane by now. 
    I don't want more attention.
    I don't want self-pity
    I just want a change. Any change.
    Depression turned my life upside down.
    But it didn't do the same for the people around me.
    And now, we are on completely different wavelengths.
     
    And I'm left here, in a world far from everyone, all on my own.
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