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Everything posted by Soarsie18

  1. it's been rough. My emotions are all over the place. I need to get them under control because at the moment i am letting them control me, control my life and my actions. I increased the dose of fluox today, I'm hoping that it will help me cope better. Starting university in three weeks, absolutely terrified and i have no idea what to do with myself in this time in-between. I just wish i had a friend my age who could comfort me, i don't know anyone going through the same thing as me right now.
  2. Ok. I'm having a mental breakdown i guess. The good things just aren't good enough anymore. I've lost weight. I'm socialising again. All the 'normal' things that i needed to do in order to recover. I have a possible long distance relationship. My first relationship ever. Talk to me a few months ago and i would have said that i was undatable. Still it's not enough. I need his touch, his hugs. Just talking on the phone isn't enough and its breaking my heart. I need someone to tell me that i am good enough the way i am, because i don't get that from my family. And for some reason having someone say it over the phone isn't as believable. I still feel just as worthless and unloved. I've gone back to not being able to get up off the sofa. And that is WITH meds. it sucks. I don't know how to fix myself and get to a point where i realise i am good enough and i stop needing any validation from anyone else. Help please. I feel like I'm losing control again.
  3. Yeah we do argue, the only time we argue is when one of us is feeling down, which causes the other to feel guilty and insecure. We never argue over anything else and we always manage to calm eachother down and feel better again. It just worries me because whenever he has an anxiety attack i always blame myself, and i can’t see how we can stop the fights from happening. I love him so much, worse comes to worst we will be friends and i will always be there for him. The whole thing takes such a big toll on me emotionally, I don’t know whats right anymore.
  4. devastated, the boy i like is either too broken for me to fix him or i am just not good enough to make him happy. He was the only hope I had. I let myself get carried away thinking that maybe i could be in a happy relationship for once. what should i do, he needs me but i feel like we’re both hurting eachother.
  5. Me too, I keep hurting the people closest to me. I can't stand myself anymore
  6. Life is so hard i don’t understand how i’m supposed to cope with it ever again. my anxieties through the roof. i find myself pinching myself whenever i have to talk about any plans in the future because it has me so anxious
  7. I’m finding life so hard right now. things are starting to go well for me. i’ve got a new friend. i’ve been put on a reserve list for university, but still i feel the same. too tired and numb. i don’t understand it. I feel like i just don’t have the energy to try and get back to normal and live life again
  8. I know you're feeling the same way right now. Sometimes the idea of something becomes overwhelming. You need some time to think things through.
  9. i’m begging you god please, please let me die PLEASE PLEASE . I can’t take anymore, I’m begging you imm begging you
  10. My heart is broken, There is a big pain in my chest and i'm trying to hold the tears back. If I start crying now I won't stop. I'm trapped in a prison with my parents and this stupid house and I can't get out. I can't bear it. How could anyone live like this. Such pain, everyday and no end in sight. I will end it soon for myself
  11. After exams I collapsed. I was so ready to give up. I begged to god, over and over. I had no intention to make it through the summer. my future is so uncertain, and for the moment there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. It's torture. I thought I'd only find happiness through my studies. Friends were telling me that I needed to find a different focus. Another aspect of life to make me happy. I had never been good at the other factors and so I had given up hope a long time ago. Recently I've met someone who I've become very close to. I would have never thought I'd find someone like him, he has made me feel so safe and comfortable, at a time when I couldn't have been feeling more insecure and my self-esteem so low. I'm going to meet him soon on holiday, and for the first time in years I'm feeling excited. so excited. It's ok that other things in my life aren't going too well, for the moment, I'm going to keep going because of this person. I would have never thought this could happen to me, and I'm taking it as a blessing. I'm very grateful. What I would tell myself looking back is you never know. You never know what could happen. So take the risks, open yourself up to new people, take the gamble and meet someone new in person, otherwise you will never know how life could have turned out differently. A person can make a whole load of difference to another persons life.
  12. My Aunt and my cousins (even the older one who was nice to me) has unfriended my mum on Facebook. They are still friends with my dad which shows it was a personal attack against my mum. It makes me angry seeing my mum upset like that. She looked after those kids when they were younger like they were her own kids, whilst my aunt was busy working all the time. There must be a lot of lies about us spreading in that house for them to do this to my mum. They're favourite aunt who has loved them like her own children. It breaks my heart. She doesn't deserve to be pulled into the mess I've created.
  13. I thought that the other day. How can some people have such a strong faith in god if he ignores everyone. He must just be messing with me and want me to suffer for some reason. Either that or he isn't real
  14. I've begged to god several times this week. Crying and begging him for mercy and I got nothing. I'm sorry you've been through the same thing
  15. Soarsie18


    awwwwww ! baby steps, one at a time, together :)
  16. @nojoy I’ve decided to find a new focus for the time being. I’ve put so much time and effort into being a vet and now that theres nothing left to do I’m lost.
  17. Thats the chat I need to have with myself now @Atra It's painful. I don't want to let go because I feel like thats giving up in itself. But something has to change because I can't carry on living like this.
  18. I've told myself to let go but it's clear that I still haven't learned how to do that yet. I'm still trying to force a future thats completely out of my control. And it makes me angry and defeated when I can't find a way to make it work. So instead of giving up on life completely, why can't i just let go. Live for this moment right now, even though i don't have much, it''s painful, it's far from perfect, but still, I should try and make life easier for myself right ? I have these voices in my head telling me that i'm not strong enough to survive till then. So I need to start telling myself that I am. I am strong enough. Whether i believe it or not. I have to try`and be. This is going to be painful - being strong. It's going to be very painful. I'm telling myself that I have to. For all of those friends out there that have wished me the best, I have to. For my parents who have paid for my therapy and appointments, I have to. I feel so guilty and ashamed when i talk about giving up, but then at the same time I feel defeated if i try and talk myself into fighting back. So heres the compromise. Living each day, just that little bit better. Walking, eating well, going outside, cuddling with furries. It may not be enough to fulfil me forever, but it has to be enough to carry me through this tough time right now. Not thinking to much about the future. Hopefully doors will open up to me soon. Thanks for the support, I appreciate it so much.
  19. Depression slapped me in the face yesterday too, hard. It's scary and overwhelming and it stopped me right in my tracks. It's made me want to give up. But people have told me not to, so I am telling you now, don't give up. It slaps you a lot, but not every time. You won't see those small victories though unless you try. Please keep trying Joy. I'll do the same.
  20. @Tears_Always I'm feeling a bit better today. Thank you for everything. hugs !
  21. Thank you. That means a lot. The problem is i'm very sure of what I want to do. And at the moment I can't see that working out, ever. I can't see that I will be able to get over it. It hurts so much and I just feel so useless. I've never felt like this before and it scares me. And even though something good could come along, everyday life is so painful I don't know how long I can put up with it.
  22. I could talk about my feelings in more detail, like i used to, but i just don't have the energy anymore. I've been looking for a way out and I can't find one. It's all out of my reach, so now i don't even see the point in explaining myself anymore. Nothing could fix me. I'm so stuck I've given up on trying to help myself. Most people can imagine what they want their life to be like in 10 years time. I try and imagine that now, maybe to give myself a reason to keep on living, but I can't. Whenever I try to my mind tells me that I'm lying to myself. That I will just get hurt, and so i shut down again. I don't believe I will make it to my 20ties .
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