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Everything posted by Soarsie18

  1. Life is unfair. If you look at life from the perspective of good and bad. Some people are more fortunate, others are less fortunate. Shouldn't it be equal ? Why should one person have it easy whilst someone else has to struggle with sh*t throughout life. ----- That's the perspective that I used to have. I would view myself as being less fortunate than others - why did i fail my exams when I tried so hard and sacrificed so much ? Why do I have a knee injury which is stopping me from going out, exercising and surfing ? Why have all my friends moved away and i'm left here on my own ? Why do I have to re-apply to uni after getting so close to being accepted and working hard towards it my whole life ? Why am I depressed ? and on and on. - In short, I was feeling self- pity That feeling was feeding into my depression, until I was told to by a very wise man to change my perspective. The truth is there is an underlying good, in every bad. -> failing my exams taught me the importance of having a good work-life balance, taking care of my mental health and above all - the importance of sleep ! -> My knee operation taught me the importance of physical health, it taught me to stop hating my body for the way it looked and start loving it for healing me, and helping me get back to normal -> My friends moving away helped me realise how much I needed them, how grateful I was to have them around. Since then I've put more effort into maintaining relationships and have opened up more instead of pushing them away when I'm depressed -> Having to re-do the final year of A levels has given me the chance to mature as a person and has further instilled the passion and determination in me to be a vet. -> Being depressed has helped me appreciate life 100x more when i'm not depressed. It's made me GRATEFUL, its made me STRONG, its made me more CARING. So, when life seems unfair. When the universe is testing you, Try to take on a new perspective: The universe is giving you a chance to grow, to become stronger, and to learn a lesson from every situation.
  2. Thanks, I was hoping that this story would inspire people, it inspired me when I watched it and put everything into perspective. I think the point that I was trying to make was that the little things which may seem important to us right now like getting good grades, a job and also material things that we've been conditioned to feel we need, will not be important to us in the long run. We often neglect the things in life that are most important to us, and focus too much of our energy onto the little things that that are insignificant - like money, clothes, holidays. All those things are nice of course, but it's good to focus your attention on the things that are closest to your heart like friends, family and passion. Those are the things that really make your life richer, and we should be forever grateful to the people that make our lives just a bit better. So although your life situation may not be perfect in the present moment, there is always something or someone to be grateful for. For me this past year I've felt as though i've lost everything - I lost my place in uni, I've lost all my friends who have gone off to uni in a different city, I've lost half my family over an argument, and i've dropped out of school - basically cutting me off from any social interaction. For a while I was so focused on all of these aspects of my life that had gone wrong, and it was preventing me from getting better. Through therapy I changed my perspective to look for the positives - like my loving parents, my nan, and my therapist who were by my side throughout it all.
  3. No thats not all there is. Of course there are moments when that's all you feel. But real happiness is feeling content with where you are. Having people in your life that you love so much you would go to the ends of the earth for them. And having a passion. Something to work towards. When your depressed you lose interest in everything. That's normal for depression, but not normal for every day life. One thing that really helped me was making a list every day, of things that I was grateful for. I would wake up in the morning, and no matter how bad i felt, I would force myself to think of a few things that I was happy that I had right in that moment. -> a comfy bed to sleep in -> my cat that forces me to get out of bed -> coffee Things as little as that, things that I always took for granted. I'm not saying that making a list every day will stop the hurt, but it might make things just s little bit better.
  4. I just watched a Louis Theroux episode called 'Edge of life'. It showed hospital patients who were on the verge of death, and it showed them and their loved ones having to swallow the death sentences that had been given to them. A particular guy moved me to tears. His name is Langston and he was in his early 20s. Langston had overdosed on heroin which caused severe brain damage and ended him in a coma. The hospital called in a Neurologist to examine his brain scans. Langstons prognosis was that he would never wake up from the coma. His brain was too damaged from lack of oxygen to ever function again. They told his family that he would never recover, never be able to respond, eat, breath voluntarily, and would remain in a vegetated state. The experts advised that Langston should be taken off of life support after 5 days of being non-responsive. (They say if theres no improvement within the first few days, then it's most likely the patient won't improve at all) Despite the experts knowledge on Langstons condition, the family were adamant that Langston would recover to full health. And so, a few weeks later (when it was almost definitely confirmed that Langston was dead) - Langston woke up. He opened his eyes, looked at his sister and for the first time was actually seeing her. Nurse - 'Langston, who is this" (pointing at his sister) Langston - (turning his head in that direction) 'my sister" A few months had passed with Langston undergoing some intense physiotherapy. And the at the end of the episode was a clip of Langston, confidently walking back into the hospital where he was told he was going to die. Just as his family said - he was fully recovered. His recovery was 1 in a million. Absolutely unheard of in the medical world. It moved me. I couldn't help but think of myself in that position, and the things that I want to accomplish before then. I've never been the kind of girl to be ok with 50% effort. I'm either all or nothing. And I don't want to die with any regrets of not having done enough or not having tried enough. 'Cause by the time you're at that point in life, you stop caring what other people think of you, you stop worrying about their judgement. Yet throughout life, fear is a constant factor that stops you from stepping out of your comfort zone, from voicing your opinion, or standing out from the crowd in any way. I'm not saying I want to be different to everyone else out there. I just want to be comfortable being me, to stop worrying about whether people will accept me or not. those people won't matter to me when i'm on my death bed. You have to live life as you want, not let fear control you or stop you from going further. Personally, i know that I need to become a vet before I die. I'm scared of being inadequate to all the other vet applicants. I'm scared of embarrassing myself, i'm scared of failure. But, if i stop pursuing my dream because i'm scared that i'm not good enough, i'll end up spending the rest of my life believing that i'm not good enough. Hang in there. Never stop believing in yourself, no matter how much the odds are stacked up against you. Because, you will only fail when you decide to give up on yourself.
  5. Atra - thank you so much for reading my story, I just wish that I had found this community sooner ! Yes I 100% agree with you on this, looking back on what I wrote I definitely didn't put enough emphasis on how much work it is. I always felt personally that I was stuck in depression because I wasn't trying hard enough. Often my mum would get annoyed with me and tell me that I 'needed to try harder'. But at the time I felt I was doing the best I could. I put a lot of blame on myself, and only now, after going through treatment i have stopped feeling guilty for going through what I went through and for dragging my parents through that too. But yeah, whatever road you take to recovery, it takes tremendous effort and determination to get better. Everyone who manages to get through depression should feel proud of themselves, because it takes a lot of inner strength. And no, you're not depressed because 'you're not trying hard enough' !
  6. Soarsie18

    The Dark Pit

    You don't want to sleep, but you don't want to be awake. You don't want to eat, but you don't want to be hungry. You don't want to be around people, but you don't want to be alone. You don't want to do anything, but you don't want to do nothing. What you really want to do is stop existing, but you can't do that without dying, and you don't really want to do that either.
  7. Binge eating is definitely a mental illness. When my mentality changed my relationship with food changed as well. For 3 months I was binge eating as a distraction. I was feeling tremendously guilty and hated myself and so used food to distract me from this. I gained 2 stone in 2 months, and I had never been heavier. I have now stopped binge eating and have a healthy relationship with food. It took some therapy for me to deal with my problems (emotionally) for me to stop my bad habits. I now only eat when I'm hungry and stop when i'm full. I don't think about food all day. No food is off limits and I'm at a healthy weight and couldn't be happier. But when your mentally ill, and using food to suppress how you feel inside, it becomes almost impossible to stick to a diet and lose weight. I had to change my mentality first before I could be in control of my actions. Theres nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. Binge eating is a coping mechanism, and it just means that your going through a tough time mentally.
  8. You've made my day ! God bless you too. I hope Celexa is the one X
  9. Hey, I'm on prozac to. I remember feeling exactly like you when I was on the 10 mg. More anxious and depressed. I was depressed that I needed medication and couldn't help myself, I was also depressed that I didn't feel any immediate differences after taking the medication. After 10mg I went up to 20, and for 3 weeks I was on 20 mg with absolutely no change to my mood. When i went to see the psychiatrist again he told me that 20mg is just a starter dose for most people, to feel the full effect of fluox you need to go up to 40mg. After just two weeks on 40mg my life changed completely, i just felt like myself again and everything was effortless again - working, getting dressed, bushing my teeth (just the little things), I wanted to go out again for the first time in months. Since then I've never gone back to the dark place I was in, although I still have some down days, it's nothing compared to what it was like before. I don't know if your doctor has told you the same thing about the dose, it might be the case with you that you need 40 to feel the effect. 60mg is the maximum dose so if 40 isn't enough you can always go up even higher. But there is nothing to be scared of. I didn't want to become addicted to the medication and so was reluctant to take it. But it just makes you feel like your normal self again. You only come off the medication once you've dealt with the thing that caused your depression in the first place. By then you shouldn't need the drugs anymore to be yourself :) also - has he doctor told you that it's normal to experience increased anxiety when you start prozac. It's your body trying to adjust to the drugs. My psychiatrist prescribed me some diazepam to take with the prozac to lessen the anxiety. Don't give up on the prozac until you've tried the right dose - 40mg !
  10. Soarsie18

    Does it matter?

    We are all people who have been hurt in someway, we know what it's like to feel that kind of hurt, and I think it makes us more sensitive to other peoples feelings. If you are suffering and struggling to talk about it, just know that this is a safe place for you to talk, with understanding people, who are just like you. I'm forever grateful for the support I had, and know the importance now of supporting others struggling like I did - the impact it has. - You have all my support Meg X
  11. Suicide is never the only solution. I know it's hard to see the future when your depressed. No matter how long you will be depressed for, it's worth it to come out the other side. It's worth the amount of pain your in now. Get help. Just keep existing until that moment comes. X Money isn't everything, theres always something to be grateful for - people, kind people, and animals.
  12. I can relate to you so much. I also struggled a lot through school, I was always very shy and insecure. I failed my A levels (last exams) and lost my offer for veterinary, at first it was devastating but then it gave me a new leash on life. I wanted to resit the year and have fun, be confident. I managed to do all of those things, I was really happy. Until I was let down by my Aunt. I know our relationship wasn't as close as a son and father relationship. But she tried to destroy me, it's a weird story but she did a number of things like call the police on me, write a letter to my psychiatrist diagnosing me with autism, OCD, Social issues and all sorts. It took me a long while to get over the sadness, anger, and self pity. None of those feelings helped me move on. I thought I could trust my Aunt, just like I could trust my mother. Bu there are people in life who will disappoint you. It was better for me to lose my Aunt because she was toxic. But I know it's harder to lose a father. Having to deal with bad people helps you see the good in other people. It makes you care for them more - trust me. You just need to find that person that you can trust. And you will truly come to appreciate them. - for me that person is my Nan, she went through a nasty divorce and several years of depression, so she knows me better than anyone.
  13. Hi elm. I went to see my GP to get a referral to see a psychiatrist. The GP asked me a few questions on my history, and when the depression started, my behaviours etc. You don't have to talk about anything too upsetting. They are just looking for the general symptoms like changes in sleep behaviour, eating behaviour, socialising, changes in interests, mood, and that kind of thing. The psychiatrist I saw after that asked me some more in depth questions, which were a bit harder to answer. I recommend not taking anyone in to the psychiatrist with you, he may ask you things that your not comfortable saying in front of anyone else, and thats fine. However what the psychiatrist was describing to me, about my behaviours was SPOT ON. They really do understand how you feel. And they see it as an Ilness, They will take it seriously, I promise. Also medication really worked for me, it was like a miracle. I woke up one day, after having taken the full dose of fluoxetine for 2 weeks and i felt like myself, just my normal self. I could do whatever I wanted and it wouldn't be a struggle anymore. Please don't be scared to get help. I'm not being dramatic, but it saved my life X
  14. Yes. I get that it's hard for someone who hasn't experienced it to understand it. Because from the outside, the person suffering may be in good physical shape/ may not seem to have a reason to be depressed/ may be acting as though they are happy (smiling etc). But we (the sufferers) know how controlling it is. It completely changed my life and who I was as a person - just like any serious physical illness would. And also like with any other illness, medicine really helped me become normal and healthy again. I mean if I was mentally fine, then surely the medicine wouldn't have had any effect on me p.s. i'm so glad I found this forum, it's nice talking to people who understand X
  15. BTW. i'm sorry that my entry was so long. There's so much more that I wanted to say. And I intend to make more entries in the future. I'm not a therapist in ANY WAY!. But, if you would like to talk to me, heres my email - megan.ellis.oneill@gmail.com. I would love to talk to you, whoever you are <3 I'm sick of this whole mental illness thing being taboo, and something people don't like to talk about.
  16. Hi, my name is Meg. I am 18 years old, and I suffered from major depression for the past 4 months. I've come to learn so much in the past four months, some of the most important things i've learned in my lifetime. I want to share my story and the things that i've learned from this experience in the hopes that one of you - out there, may be able to relate, feel normal, and unashamed of your mental illness. Because thats what it is - an ILLNESS. Its not something you choose to attract into your life, it controls you, and its hard to fight. The simplest things in life become such a battle, and life itself becomes pointless - you do not find any enjoyment in anything anymore, and your only causing grief to the people who are closest to you. You feel it would be better if you didn't exist. And I think that level of pain some people struggle to understand. So I want to share what it was like, because there shouldn't be a stigma around any illness - mental or physical. after all, ignorance can cost lives. If you keep fighting long enough, you will get better. I promise. Little disclaimer: I want to make it clear that nothing 'awful' has ever happened to me. I've been very lucky in life. I have a caring family, with no money issues, poverty, normal education, and good health. Maybe people from the outside, looking in at my life would think 'what does she have to be depressed about?" or 'she's being over dramatic" or "that i'm ungrateful'. It doesn't matter what the cause of your depression is. No matter how big or small that cause is. Every depression should be taken seriously. Never feel that you are unworthy of feeling the way that you do, just because some people have it worse than you do. I've hated myself for a long time over this exact reason. Depression is so individual to a person. Everyone faces hardships. And you can only compare you're own hardships to what you've experienced personally. What's hard for you, may not be hard for someone else, but thats ok. We are all different, and trust me, that doesn't make you any less of a person than anyone else. So without further a due, let's begin... 2017- 2018 I have always wanted to be a vet, basically since i found out what a vet was. It's been my lifelong dream and passion. I had finished AS (AS is midway exams in A levels) in 2017, with AAA grades - exactly what was required for veterinary. The year later i applied to universities. I remember being nervous, but excited for interviews. And coming out of the interviews thinking that I had done ok, and that I had a shot of getting an offer (especially after all of my hard work in the exams). From january to March in 2018, i received emails from 4 of the universities, all REJECTIONS. This knocked my confidence MASSIVELY. I felt inadequate, and actually embarrassed that i had done so bad since it was something I was so passionate about. It affected me so much that I was too distracted to revise and focus on my school work (despite my efforts). On March 31st i received an email from Bristol (my last uni and last hope at getting an offer). I remember before opening the email i kept telling myself over and over in my head 'it's a rejection' 'it's a rejection'. When i opened the email, i was shocked to see that they had given me an offer, i was absolutely over the moon. They later sent me a formal letter with the offer on it, and as motivation, i stuck the letter up on my wall. From that day on, i started to revise like crazy, i was so adamant to get the grades and not lose the offer. I would stay up all night (literally). When i was really tired, i would set an alarm that would allow me to sleep 2 hours MAXIMUM. I would drink 19 cans of pepsi a day, just so that i could stay awake. I never left the house, and I sat at my desk for so long that my legs would swell up, to the point that i wouldn't be able to put my shoes on (i'd have to wear my sisters shoes instead because she had bigger feet) As you can imagine those exams were an absolute disaster. My mind was foggy and my anxiety was through the roof. I knew i had messed up. When results day came, i wasn't surprised that i had failed. This is when my depression started, slowly creeping up on me at the realisation that all that sacrifice was for nothing. 2018 - 2019 That summer for me was very hard, I felt depressed from the moment my exams ended. It felt like I was in a big pit. and there was no way for me to climb out. Sometimes it felt like i was so deep down that i couldn't see the sun shining anymore. I couldn't imagine myself happy in the future anymore. I couldn't understand why it had happened to me, when i had tried so hard and sacrificed so much to follow my dreams. At the end of the summer I remember sitting down with one of my friends at a cafe. I opened up to her about how i had been feeling, and although she didn't understand it completely, her advice was 'everything happens for a reason, i'm sure some good will come out of this'. A week later i received a text from my aunt inviting me to go and stay with them for a year, attend school in the same year as my cousin (who i'll call - May). And resit my exams. I felt ecstatic, it was as if everything had fallen into place, and i found my reason. I needed to fail, so that i could learn from my mistakes, and have a second chance at getting it right - learning how to have a good work-life balance, making new friends, becoming more independent, and ofc going out to parties as i had missed many the year before, all whilst attending a very good school, with my cousin. For me, it offered everything that i had wanted to experience in uni - independence, new friends, and fun. For the first time in ages, i felt like i could actually go through with the year. That this new life I had envisaged in Cardiff would be good enough to get me through interviews and exams again. However, this story isn't that simple ! life never is, the reason why bad things happen to us might not be obvious. In fact i don't really believe 'everything happens for a reason'. Life is far more complicated than that. However, i do believe that there is something to be learned from every bad incident. Bad things in life help us to evolve and become stronger, more caring people. And so, with that saying in mind. Let's delve into part 2, of 2018 - 2019 2018 - 2019 (september onwards) I started my cousins school in September. I moved in with them. I took the train every weekend back home, bought my own groceries, walked to school. And had the opportunity to get used to life in the city. I was having the time of my life ! in fact, i can't think back to a time when I was happier. I had a nice group of friends in school. I was a little more mature. And was way more confident. However things started to quickly fall apart after a few weeks of living there. [My cousin - May] I had known my cousin all my life. She was a year younger than me. And although i disliked her at times, we could get along in short encounters. She would always have these mood swings, where she would go from 'life of the party' to 'annoyed at everything'. She quickly started to turn against me. She wouldn't talk to me (despite all my efforts to form a connection with her). She would run away from me, to avoid having to walk home with me. She would block me from the friend group chat. angle photos so that i wasn't in them... all sorts of childish things. Once I posted a photo of us hugging on instagram, with the caption 'thanks to the johns for putting up with me 24/7, lots of love'. I don't know why exactly, i felt a great amount of gratitude for them for letting me stay with them, and i guess a part of me wanted to mend things between me and May. May messaged me, saying that she hated the photo, she was absolutely LIVID with me. I tried to apologise the best i could, but she wouldn't calm down, she kept attaching me. I was devastated that this had only made things worse between us. The most interaction I could manage with May was small talk, about the weather and things like that. Often she wouldn't say anything back. Or even worse, she would make some comment that would make me feel bad about myself. For example - i would try to joke with her about not being able to do my tie properly, and she would look at me with annoyed and say 'thats not funny, why are you laughing' The whole situation with May and the family made me feel awkward and disliked by everyone in the house. I would start to retreat more and more over time. [The burglary ] I traveled from Swansea to Cardiff every Sunday - consistently. One weekend my mum drove me back to my aunts house, she dropped me off there, whilst she had to go and get some money out for me to use during the week. Whilst my mum was out, I was busy putting my food away in the fridge. It was 10 pm at night. Whilst I was busy doing this, two policemen came up to the front door. I let them in, and they started questioning me - Name, age, relationship to my Aunt. They asked me where my Aunt was and I told them that she must be in the house somewhere, so I led them upstairs, to the bedrooms. At this point I realised that all the lights on the second floor were turned off. Slightly panicked now I started to call out for my Aunt. I passed one of the windows on the second floor, and I could see outside, 2 police vans, and several police cars behind. There were several policemen searching around the outside of the house with torches and police dogs. I had never seen so many policemen in one place. At this point my heart started to race, I couldn't help thinking that someone had been ********. The more I called out for my Aunt, the more I started to believe that this might be true. After about 10 minutes of searching the house, the policemen were called downstairs. Once back in the kitchen I could see my Aunt and my 2 cousins outside, they were talking to a policeman. At this point I felt so relieved that they were ok. I watched as the police left and drove off. And my aunt and my cousins entered the house again. My aunt went upstairs without saying a word to me. I questioned my cousins on what happened. This is what they said .... "We heard noises coming from downstairs and mum thought it was a burglar. We all had to hide in the room upstairs, and mum called the police. Mum was so scared that she was crying. When we saw the police here, we climbed down the fire escape to the front of the house' and then one of them repeated 'You made mum cry' I remember feeling ashamed of myself and guilty. I went to my room and I could hear the 3 of them talking about me in the room below mine. I phoned my mum that night from my bed because I was in a state of shock. My mum told me that she couldn't come back to the house with the money because here were police vans blocking the driveway. The police had apparently blocked off the road leading to the house, and were preventing anyone from going through. I couldn't understand how they thought I was a burglar when I had been coming to the house the same time, same day, every single weekend. My mum left the money with her friends that lived in the area (Declan and Ali). They dropped the money off the following day. My mums understanding of the 'burglary' was, that my Aunt phoned the police to teach me a lesson. NOW, I know this sounds crazy and far fetched. But my Aunt is my mums older sister. They know each other better than anyone else would, and before this they had always had a good relationship. So my mum would only say this if she truly believed that that was the case. She believed that my Aunt was annoyed that we didn't send her a text on that particular occasion- saying that we were on our way. And so she phoned the police and everything to prove a point that we should have texted her. I didn't realise at the time, but later learned just how controlling my Aunt is. [My Aunt] The weeks following the burglary incident i progressively felt more and more uneasy around the family. I would often go out for long walks on the streets just to avoid being in their company. I would always cook my own meals do my own washing/ clean up to try and make life as easy as I could for them (and maybe possibly get them to like me more). I decided to give May some more space. I had come to the conclusion that I was intruding on her life too much (her friends/ family) and thats why she was annoyed with me all the time. So i backed off, and did whatever I could to please her. One day, whilst I was in the middle of writing an essay for one of my applications to veterinary, my aunt came into my room. She was angry with me. She said that I was odd, that there was something wrong with me, and that they had to put up with it. She blamed me for not spending more time with them. She then preceded to tell me that I was being mean to May, that I was ruining her year and if I didn't improve my relationship with her then she would have to kick me out. When she said this my eyes started to well up with tears. The thought of going home - back to solidarity, no friends etc was my worst nightmare. And at the same time, I felt completely and utterly defeated. I had been trying to fix my relationship with May for weeks. And yet she was blaming me for everything ! After this, my mental health started to deteriorate massively. I missed out on school more, in an effort to avoid May. And i spent most of my time in my room. I felt so guilty. My lovely Aunt had sacrificed so much so that i could stay with them, and this is how i re-payed her. The depression started to creep back in. I became so affected with guilt that i started comfort eating. I wanted to punish myself. Within 2 months I had gained 2 stone. I went from 7 and 1/2 stone -> to 9 1/2 stone. I had never been that big before. [Recovery] My mum was concerned for me, especially because of the condition that i was in the year before. She arranged for me to see a psychotherapist who also did hypnosis. (his name was Lenard) I was reluctant to see him on our first session. I remember I refused to get out of the car, and my mum had to phone my dad to help her get me into Lenards house. I'm not going to lie, the first session was awkward. But over time I started to trust Lenard, I would open up more to him. And I actually found myself looking forward to his sessions. It was more like having a chat with a beloved friend. And I always left the sessions feeling 10x better. However recovery isn't that easy or quick unfortunately. The short spurt of happiness and hope from Lenards sessions would only last a few days, at most, before I fell back into the black hole that is depression. I would lie in bed all day and night. Watching Netflix on my computer, as a distraction from reality. I was never really able to focus on anything. I wouldn't sleep well at night and often would be up until morning. I had completely retreated from society, refusing to go to school, or get dressed. Each day became monotonous, it was too hard to push myself to change anything. It was hard enough fighting my depression enough to take a shower or brush my teeth, let alone be social and pretend that everything was ok. At this point I wanted to die. I had never been so depressed before. It completely took over my life. I was unable to do anything. I can't think of a single moment, in those three months, that I was actually, truly happy. I just wanted to stop existing. But at the same time i knew that i couldn't **** myself. I had to watch on as my family fell to pieces worried over me. Whilst being absolutely unable to do anything about it. I would make endless plans to try and get my life back together, but i would only be able to follow them for a few days consistently before the effort of doing so became too much. I would always crash, and the more I crashed, the more hopeless I become. My Mum decided that I needed more short term methods to help me recover. Something that would work fast, so that I wouldn't end up screwing my exams over again. So she booked me in to see a psychiatrist, someone who could prescribe me some anti-depressants. My Aunt wanted to go with me to see the psychiatrist so that she could give the psychiatrist 'a better picture of what I was like'. Of course my mum said no to this as she was aware that my Aunt was biased against me. So instead my aunt (a doctor) decided to send her own letter to the psychiatrist that I was seeing. It was a clinical examination of me. Each box on the letter had different conditions that she was trying to diagnose me with. e.e -> for OCD she said that I played the piano compulsively -> for emotional attachment she said that I was always emotionally detached from a young age and would struggle to give hugs + eye contact -> she said that I had social issues, and needed social situations to be explained to me -> she said that I was often hurtful to my cousins -> and she suggested that I should go and see an autism specialist The letter she sent was very contrived, she had either twisted things that my mum had said to her, taken things out of context, or straight up lied, about how I was. Yes, I was a shy child, I wasn't the type who like to be the centre of attention. But I never felt that I didn't fit in with people, I had always managed to make friends throughout my life, and had never needed/ had social situations explained to me. Also - the piano thing. Yes, I really like to play the piano, but I wasn't compulsively obliged to play it. My parents tried to hide the letter from me, but weeks after seeing the psychiatrist, and starting anti-depressants, I found the letter on my mums phone. At this point I actually felt good about myself. I know some of you may think thats an unusual response to seeing that kind of letter written about yourself. But for me, it confirmed all the things my psychotherapist was trying to tell me. My Aunt was biased against me, and nothing I did for them would ever be good. The letter made it clear to me that my Aunt was wrong about me. And from that point onwards I stopped feeling guilty. And I started recovering. However I still had a lot of emotions to deal with, at first anger, followed by self-pity and feeling like a victim. Neither helped me to get better. It wasn't until my therapist told me this.. "I am so proud of you, the difference in you now, compared to when you first saw me is incredible. You have become a lot stronger person" (Although I wasn't healed yet). He made me realise the difference in me. That I was now far more self-assure, able to stand up for myself. He said that it was a hard lesson for me to swallow, that everyone is flawed in some way, and that life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to be, it's not fair, and it doesn't make sense. But through all that I evolved to be a better person. And if you asked me now honestly, would I rather that the whole depression incident didn't happen, I would say no. I wouldn't change a thing. For once I can actually say that i'm proud of myself. 1. I know that I can face tough things in life. 2. I am way more caring and sensitive to peoples feeling than i've ever been before 3. I am far more appreciative of the life that I have, and the people that are in it 4. I am more outgoing, and for once feel that I have just as much of a right to exist as everyone else 5. I am far better at self-reflection, and more aware of looking after my mental state No recovery wasn't perfect. It took a month of 40mg of anti-depressants to get me feeling like myself again. I remember I woke up one day and I could do whatever I wanted. I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from me. It was EASY to be me again. Lessons Everyone deals with depression differently, and everyone recovers from depression differently. I'm glad to say that now, mid march I am back to my old self again. And it's an amazing feeling. I am 100% sure that without the therapy and the drugs that I had, I wouldn't have recovered from the dark place I was in. If i were to recover on my own, it would have taken me years. There is no shame in getting help. When I was 14 I was able to get myself out of my depression through forcing myself to exercise, eat well, and socialise - it took me 6 months, but it worked eventually. That wasn't the answer this time round though. You can't always do it by yourself, and thats ok. That doesn't make you weaker than anyone else. Look at me as an example. The same person, but two different incidences of depression. As I said before, I wouldn't change a thing. I know thats easy for me to say now, that it's all over. But I promise you that it's worth getting better. And being able to appreciate life again, after having lived several months in a very dark place, is THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD. There is someone out there who wants to help you. For me it was my parents, despite everything that they've been through. If you want someone to talk to, someone who understands what you're going through on a personal level. I am happy to be that person. Just let me know. I would hate to think of anyone feeling the way that I did. No one deserves that. And to get better sometimes you need to talk. XXX - Meg
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