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Soarsie18

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Everything posted by Soarsie18

  1. lol american or canadian ? have spent the money on a little bit of both but tobacco is so expensive so was only able to get a small bottle of rum, this also means won't be eating for the week and i can't space out my alcohol.
  2. Totally, there are remakes of everything, creative thought has been declining for a while now but even more with covid and actors being stuck at home which makes sense to a point. However I feel there is something else going on in regards to the increase in the wealth gap, things have just changed a lot since the 80s/90s
  3. I feel ok, my boyrfriend has sent me 20 quid and i'm trying to decide the best way to spend it, alcohol or tobacco
  4. I have found a soulmate in kell. He found me and loved me at my very worst. I have showed him progression since then, physical and mental ... and it all sounds very healthy. Since now I have always faced depression by myself, and that is how I like it. Don't get me wrong, my parents have always been loving,, but I am one in three, the intensity that comes from a loving relationship with a person that mostly is affected by you and your actions, someone that you live with, sleep with .. Its the most intense pressure I have ever felt. I know that he wants me (in this present time) to be his person, but because I do not like my present self I feel like a failure and that pressure that i feel always, intensifies. Pressure is good and healthy but too much can be crippling and I have definitely had moments of that. I am thankful for whenever he has work away from home because it gives me time to get my sh!t together lol. Now I have the longest time apart from him and everyone else, longest that i've had since about 2 years. I want to really take the most from this opportunity, I am also scared that when he comes back i will go to my old ways. How do i stay strong and authentic, that is my biggest worry. He is a great supporter and a great compliment to my personality however he found me when i wasn't put together and now i'm struggling to be put together in time to save our relationship.
  5. Thank you so much JD, It has taken me a whole year of trying without reward to get to this point of understanding. You have been there from the start and i look forward to hearing from you in the future my friend.
  6. My boyfriend is away for 10 days working. This is an opportunity for me to work on my own self development, which naturally spikes my anxiety. Looking introspectively i am not happy with how i look. I set up this plan to follow a 4 day fasting and all i can say is that i failed. Failure of any kind intensifies my depression. My thoughts are telling me that fasting won't be so great because of a decrease in metabolism but there is evidence against that.I ended up settling on a diet of only vegetables for a week as a replacement because i'm scared of my metabolism dropping. With regards to sobriety, my weakness makes me give in, weak in my anxiety and feeling that alcohol is the only reliever of it. Which at this present moment is true. The alcohol consumptions leads to eating even less because of scares with calorie consumption. I want to be normal when he comes back. It breaks his heart seeing me not eat, drinking, being drunk. I know in my head these changes will take longer than just 10 days, but mentally i cannot settle for that. I know that this failure won't destroy me however so i'm willing to take the chance and seeing this run its course. I just wish better for my boyfriend kell. The only saving grace is that he is working another 10 day shift straight after and I have exams. Let me say this .... its a high pressure situation for me... i need change, and i need it by a certain deadline.
  7. I was honest with him and told him and soon as it happened, I knew he was upset, he said that we’d talk about it when he got back. I felt bad because I could tell from his voice cracking that he was upset and I just wished it had never happened and that I was normal.
  8. I can’t have another night like this again. My throat hurts, my face is swollen, I’m so physically and emotionally drained, I just want some stability, at the moment I’m a rocking horse going back and fourth from good to bad.. not good
  9. Now I force myself to meditate every morning as soon as I wake up, and I read every night to help me fall asleep. Meditating before eating or doing anything has really helped, it makes my mind quiet and helps me be still and just let time pass. Also I haven’t been looking in the mirror recently but when I do I’m going to try and look for things that I like.
  10. I wish I could let go of the self hatred I have. I blame myself for every terrible thing that has happened, and I don’t know how to stop doing that, I don’t want to live in this victim mentality bs. Also I’d like to let go of my dreams, almost every dream is either really violent or is about people that are no longer here, some of them are even about getting too fat and being stuck, I wish I could let go of that because I know it’s silly
  11. Ditto, the self hatred i have is so strong right now
  12. Scared, I’ve had a really rough night, have been cooped up in the flat for 4 days now without seeing anyone , I drank till I passed out and all on an empty stomach, and then when I woke up I binged a little and felt so guilty that I threw it up, now my boyfriend is coming home tomorrow and he wants me to pick him up and I’m nervous
  13. I know first hand that this isn’t true, I had a lot of anger towards my family and sorted all of it in therapy , I could physically feel the difference yet the depression was still there
  14. Pay no mind, she clearly thinks a lot of herself and has zero understanding on what she’s actually talking about
  15. Very low, I don’t recognise what I see in the mirror, I feel so uncomfortable
  16. My entries in this forum so far have been some of my worst. I faced some major trauma a couple of years ago coupled with major disappointment and i saw my personality change. depression clouded my thought so heavily that i could not even hope for the life that i live now. most days i still wake up and feel like that little girl i was two years ago. I am still monitored by medication which buggs me and scares me equally. But for the first time since joining the forum I am able to dream a different life. I am able to aspire to get it, work hard for it and i see myself progressing each day. This truly is the best gift anyone could give me. It has taken no less than two years and finally i have some input on my life. Hold on for that aspiration. without aspiration there is no purpose. Life is hard, cruel and uncertain, but at least with aspirations we can serve a purpose. In the time between joining this forum and now i have touched many lives. I met a wonderful boy from sweden who i was so fortunate to meet two summers ago, he has touched my life forever. I have started a relationship with a boy in london and we have worked hard to build a happy life together. I have rented a flat for the first time, and have gotten myself a job in a model agency. Life is bearable. I have my ambition, I have my vision, and I work towards it every day. It would be wrong not to include this in my journey because although it will not be the end of depression it is a victory, and a reminder of how we can be. I am still everything i was two years ago, but with time comes progression, I am not only a rape victim, and a failed veterinarian, now I am a university student, a model, i have an income, a flat, a life, and i'm happy to embody all of it. I hold you all so dearly, with hardship comes perspective, understanding and strength, and every victory is a massive step forward. Celebrate it all. love from meg.
  17. You're right, I don't think I know what life I want yet.
  18. Can't afford heating, living like a communist
  19. Veggie burgers and cuddles
  20. I wish there was more to life than this, this isn't enough
  21. The only finished painting I've managed to produce, which is frustrating ...not quite there yet 😕

    IMG_6481.JPG

  22. Alcohol and smoking is the only thing that makes me happy, I can't enjoy anything without them.
  23. I've gone back to doing things that I used to love doing when I was younger,I exercise a lot and paint, especially doing paintings for people I love and sending them, it gives me a focus and helps me relax. When I started off I was so frustrated with the results but with practice its coming along nicely, hoping to sell some because not only is there lockdown but covid makes it hard to make money. Moneys tight and its scary.
  24. I've always been body conscious and have flipped in and out of different eating patterns, however now for the first time I'm alarmed, I feel out of control. My body has changed dramatically in the last couple of years with me growing into a woman and getting a more feminine body. I don't completely hate it. But eating however has become a struggle, whenever I eat I get a pang of guilt, depression and major anxiety. I don't know how to cope with it, and I'm scared.. Because its no longer a body issue but a mental one,no matter how much weight I lose the anxiety will still be there and that scares me and makes me feel hopeless.
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