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Blog Entries posted by Soarsie18

  1. Soarsie18
    I have found a soulmate in kell. He found me and loved me at my very worst. I have showed him progression since then, physical and mental ... and it all sounds very healthy. 
    Since now I have always faced depression by myself, and that is how I like it. Don't get me wrong, my parents have always been loving,, but I am one in three, the intensity that comes from a loving relationship with a person that mostly is affected by you and your actions, someone that you live with, sleep with .. Its the most intense pressure I have ever felt. I know that he wants me (in this present time) to be his person, but because I do not like my present self I feel like a failure and that pressure that i feel always, intensifies. Pressure is good and healthy but too much can be crippling and I have definitely had moments of that. I am thankful for whenever he has work away from home because it gives me time to get my sh!t together lol. Now I have the longest time apart from him and everyone else, longest that i've had since about 2 years. I want to really take the most from this opportunity, I am also scared that when he comes back i will go to my old ways. How do i stay strong and authentic, that is my biggest worry. He is a great supporter and a great compliment to my personality however he found me when i wasn't put together and now i'm struggling to be put together in time to save our relationship.
  2. Soarsie18
    My entries in this forum so far have been some of my worst. I faced some major trauma a couple of years ago coupled with major disappointment and i saw my personality change. 
    depression clouded my thought so heavily that i could not even hope for the life that i live now. 
    most days i still wake up and feel like that little girl i was two years ago. I am still monitored by medication which buggs me and scares me equally. 
    But for the first time since joining the forum I am able to dream a different life. I am able to aspire to get it, work hard for it and i see myself progressing each day. This truly is the best gift anyone could give me. 
    It has taken no less than two years and finally i have some input on my life. 
    Hold on for that aspiration. without aspiration there is no purpose. Life is hard, cruel and uncertain, but at least with aspirations we can serve a purpose.
    In the time between joining this forum and now i have touched many lives.
    I met a wonderful boy from sweden who i was so fortunate to meet two summers ago, he has touched my life forever.  I have started a relationship with a boy in london and we have worked hard to build a happy life together. I have rented a flat for the first time, and have gotten myself a job in a model agency. 
    Life is bearable. I have my ambition, I have my vision, and I work towards it every day. It would be wrong not to include this in my journey because although it will not be the end of depression it is a victory, and a reminder of how we can be.
    I am still everything i was two years ago, but with time comes progression, I am not only a rape victim, and a failed veterinarian, now I am a university student, a model, i have an income, a flat, a life, and i'm happy to embody all of it. 
    I hold you all so dearly, with hardship comes perspective, understanding and strength, and every victory is a massive step forward. Celebrate it all. love from meg. 
  3. Soarsie18
    My boyfriend is away for 10 days working. This is an opportunity for me to work on my own self development, which naturally spikes my anxiety. Looking introspectively i am not happy with how i look. I set up this plan to follow a 4 day fasting and all i can say is that i failed. Failure of any kind intensifies my depression. My thoughts are telling me that fasting won't be so great because of a decrease in metabolism but there is evidence against that.I ended up settling on a diet of only vegetables for a week as a replacement because i'm scared of my metabolism dropping. With regards to sobriety, my weakness makes me give in, weak in my anxiety and feeling that alcohol is the only reliever of it. Which at this present moment is true. The alcohol consumptions leads to eating even less because of scares with calorie consumption. 
    I want to be normal when he comes back. It breaks his heart seeing me not eat, drinking, being drunk. I know in my head these changes will take longer than just 10 days, but mentally i cannot settle for that. I know that this failure won't destroy me however so i'm willing to take the chance and seeing this run its course. I just wish better for my boyfriend kell. 
    The only saving grace is that he is working another 10 day shift straight after and I have exams. Let me say this .... its a high pressure situation for me... i need change, and i need it by a certain deadline. 
  4. Soarsie18
    Ok. I'm having a mental breakdown i guess. 
    The good things just aren't good enough anymore. 
    I've lost weight. I'm socialising again. All the 'normal' things that i needed to do in order to recover. I have a possible long distance relationship. My first relationship ever. Talk to me a few months ago and i would have said that i was undatable. Still it's not enough. I need his touch, his hugs. Just talking on the phone isn't enough and its breaking my heart. 
    I need someone to tell me that i am good enough the way i am, because i don't get that from my family. And for some reason having someone say it over the phone isn't as believable. I still feel just as worthless and unloved. I've gone back to not being able to get up off the sofa. And that is WITH meds. it sucks. I don't know how to fix myself and get to a point where i realise i am good enough and i stop needing any validation from anyone else. Help please. I feel like I'm losing control again. 
  5. Soarsie18
    After exams I collapsed. I was so ready to give up. I begged to god, over and over. I had no intention to make it through the summer. my future is so uncertain, and for the moment there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. It's torture. 
    I thought I'd only find happiness through my studies. Friends were telling me that I needed to find a different focus. Another aspect of life to make me happy. 
    I had never been good at the other factors and so I had given up hope a long time ago. 
    Recently I've met someone who I've become very close to. I would have never thought I'd find someone like him, he has made me feel so safe and comfortable, at a time when I couldn't have been feeling more insecure and my self-esteem so low. 
    I'm going to meet him soon on holiday, and for the first time in years I'm feeling excited. so excited. It's ok that other things in my life aren't going too well, for the moment, I'm going to keep going because of this person. I would have never thought this could happen to me, and I'm taking it as a blessing. I'm very grateful. 
    What I would tell myself looking back is you never know. You never know what could happen. So take the risks, open yourself up to new people, take the gamble and meet someone new in person, otherwise you will never know how life could have turned out differently. A person can make a whole load of difference to another persons life.
  6. Soarsie18
    I've told myself to let go but it's clear that I still haven't learned how to do that yet. I'm still trying to force a future thats completely out of my control. And it makes me angry and defeated when I can't find a way to make it work. So instead of giving up on life completely, why can't i just let go. Live for this moment right now, even though i don't have much, it''s painful, it's far from perfect, but still, I should try and make life easier for myself right ?
    I have these voices in my head telling me that i'm not strong enough to survive till then. So I need to start telling myself that I am. I am strong enough. Whether i believe it or not. I have to try`and be. 
    This is going to be painful - being strong. It's going to be very painful. 
    I'm telling myself that I have to. For all of those friends out there that have wished me the best, I have to. For my parents who have paid for my therapy and appointments, I have to. 
    I feel so guilty and ashamed when i talk about giving up, but then at the same time I feel defeated if i try and talk myself into fighting back. 
    So heres the compromise. Living each day, just that little bit better. Walking, eating well, going outside, cuddling with furries. It may not be enough to fulfil me forever, but it has to be enough to carry me through this tough time right now. 
    Not thinking to much about the future. Hopefully doors will open up to me soon. 
    Thanks for the support, I appreciate it so much. 
  7. Soarsie18
    *I posted this on the new members forum, so if you've read it already just ignore it. Just wanted to get it on the blog X
    Hi, my name is Meg. I am 18 years old, and I suffered from major depression for the past 4 months. 
    I've come to learn so much in the past four months, some of the most important things i've learned in my lifetime. 
    I want to share my story and the things that i've learned from this experience in the hopes that one of you - out there, may be able to relate, feel normal, and unashamed of your mental illness. Because thats what it is - an ILLNESS. Its not something you choose to attract into your life, it controls you, and its hard to fight. 
    The simplest things in life become such a battle, and life itself becomes pointless - you do not find any enjoyment in anything anymore, and your only causing grief to the people who are closest to you. You feel it would be better if you didn't exist. And I think that level of pain some people struggle to understand. So I want to share what it was like, because there shouldn't be a stigma around any illness - mental or physical. after all, ignorance can cost lives.
    If you keep fighting long enough, you will get better. I promise. 
    Little disclaimer:  I want to make it clear that nothing 'awful' has ever happened to me. I've been very lucky in life. I have a caring family, with no money issues, poverty, normal education, and good health. Maybe people from the outside, looking in at my life would think 'what does she have to be depressed about?" or 'she's being over dramatic" or "that i'm ungrateful'. It doesn't matter what the cause of your depression is. No matter how big or small that cause is. Every depression should be taken seriously. Never feel that you are unworthy of feeling the way that you do, just because some people have it worse than you do. I've hated myself for a long time over this exact reason. Depression is so individual to a person. Everyone faces hardships. And you can only compare you're own hardships to what you've experienced personally. What's hard for you, may not be hard for someone else, but thats ok. We are all different, and trust me, that doesn't make you any less of a person than anyone else.
    So without further a due, let's begin...
    2017- 2018
    I have always wanted to be a vet, basically since i found out what a vet was. It's been my lifelong dream and passion. I had finished AS (AS is midway exams in A levels) in 2017, with AAA grades - exactly what was required for veterinary. The year later i applied to universities. I remember being nervous, but excited for interviews. And coming out of the interviews thinking that I had done ok, and that I had a shot of getting an offer (especially after all of my hard work in the exams).
    From january to March in 2018, i received emails from 4 of the universities, all REJECTIONS. This knocked my confidence MASSIVELY. I felt inadequate, and actually embarrassed that i had done so bad since it was something I was so passionate about. It affected me so much that I was too distracted to revise and focus on my school work (despite my efforts).
    On March 31st i received an email from Bristol (my last uni and last hope at getting an offer). I remember before opening the email i kept telling myself over and over in my head 'it's a rejection' 'it's a rejection'.
    When i opened the email, i was shocked to see that they had given me an offer, i was absolutely over the moon. They later sent me a formal letter with the offer on it, and as motivation, i stuck the letter up on my wall. From that day on, i started to revise like crazy, i was so adamant to get the grades and not lose the offer. I would stay up all night (literally). When i was really tired, i would set an alarm that would allow me to sleep 2 hours MAXIMUM. I would drink 19 cans of pepsi a day, just so that i could stay awake. I never left the house, and I sat at my desk for so long that my legs would swell up, to the point that i wouldn't be able to put my shoes on (i'd have to wear my sisters shoes instead because she had bigger feet)
    As you can imagine those exams were an absolute disaster. My mind was foggy and my anxiety was through the roof. I knew i had messed up.
    When results day came, i wasn't surprised that i had failed. 
    This is when my depression started, slowly creeping up on me at the realisation that all that sacrifice was for nothing.
    2018 - 2019
    That summer for me was very hard, I felt depressed from the moment my exams ended. It felt like I was in a big pit. and there was no way for me to climb out. Sometimes it felt like i was so deep down that i couldn't see the sun shining anymore. I couldn't imagine myself happy in the future anymore. I couldn't understand why it had happened to me, when i had tried so hard and sacrificed so much to follow my dreams. 
    At the end of the summer I remember sitting down with one of my friends at a cafe. I opened up to her about how i had been feeling, and although she didn't understand it completely, her advice was 'everything happens for a reason, i'm sure some good will come out of this'.
    A week later i received a text from my aunt inviting me to go and stay with them for a year, attend school in the same year as my cousin (who i'll call - May). And resit my exams.
    I felt ecstatic, it was as if everything had fallen into place, and i found my reason. I needed to fail, so that i could learn from my mistakes, and have a second chance at getting it right - learning how to have a good work-life balance, making new friends, becoming more independent, and ofc going out to parties as i had missed many the year before, all whilst attending a very good school, with my cousin. For me, it offered everything that i had wanted to experience in uni - independence, new friends, and fun. For the first time in ages, i felt like i could actually go through with the year. That this new life I had envisaged in Cardiff would be good enough to get me through interviews and exams again.
    However, this story isn't that simple ! 
    life never is, the reason why bad things happen to us might not be obvious. In fact i don't really believe 'everything happens for a reason'.
    Life is far more complicated than that.
    However, i do believe that there is something to be learned from every bad incident. 
    Bad things in life help us to evolve and become stronger, more caring people. 
    And so, with that saying in mind. Let's delve into part 2, of 2018 - 2019
    2018 - 2019 (september onwards)
    I started my cousins school in September. I moved in with them. I took the train every weekend back home, bought my own groceries, walked to school. And had the opportunity to get used to life in the city. I was having the time of my life ! in fact, i can't think back to a time when I was happier. I had a nice group of friends in school. I was a little more mature. And was way more confident. 
    However things started to quickly fall apart after a few weeks of living there.
    [My cousin - May]
    I had known my cousin all my life. She was a year younger than me. And although i disliked her at times, we could get along in short encounters. She would always have these mood swings, where she would go from 'life of the party' to 'annoyed at everything'. She quickly started to turn against me. She wouldn't talk to me (despite all my efforts to form a connection with her). She would run away from me, to avoid having to walk home with me. She would block me from the friend group chat. angle photos so that i wasn't in them... all sorts of childish things. Once I posted a photo of us hugging on instagram, with the caption 'thanks to the johns for putting up with me 24/7, lots of love'. 
    I don't know why exactly, i felt a great amount of gratitude for them for letting me stay with them, and i guess a part of me wanted to mend things between me and May.
    May messaged me, saying that she hated the photo, she was absolutely LIVID with me. I tried to apologise the best i could, but she wouldn't calm down, she kept attaching me.
    I was devastated that this had only made things worse between us.
    The most interaction I could manage with May was small talk, about the weather and things like that. Often she wouldn't say anything back.
    Or even worse, she would make some comment that would make me feel bad about myself. For example - i would try to joke with her about not being able to do my tie properly, and she would look at me with annoyed and say 'thats not funny, why are you laughing'
    The whole situation with May and the family made me feel awkward and disliked by everyone in the house. I would start to retreat more and more over time.
    [The burglary ]
    I traveled from Swansea to Cardiff every Sunday - consistently. 
    One weekend my mum drove me back to my aunts house, she dropped me off there, whilst she had to go and get some money out for me to use during the week.
    Whilst my mum was out, I was busy putting my food away in the fridge. It was 10 pm at night. 
    Whilst I was busy doing this, two policemen came up to the front door. I let them in, and they started questioning me - Name, age, relationship to my Aunt. 
    They asked me where my Aunt was and I told them that she must be in the house somewhere, so I led them upstairs, to the bedrooms. At this point I realised that all the lights on the second floor were turned off. Slightly panicked now I started to call out for my Aunt. I passed one of the windows on the second floor, and I could see outside, 2 police vans, and several police cars behind. There were several policemen searching around the outside of the house with torches and police dogs. I had never seen so many policemen in one place. At this point my heart started to race, I couldn't help thinking that someone had been ********. The more I called out for my Aunt, the more I started to believe that this might be true. 
    After about 10 minutes of searching the house, the policemen were called downstairs.
    Once back in the kitchen I could see my Aunt and my 2 cousins outside, they were talking to a policeman. At this point I felt so relieved that they were ok.
    I watched as the police left and drove off. And my aunt and my cousins entered the house again.
    My aunt went upstairs without saying a word to me. I questioned my cousins on what happened. 
    This is what they said ....
    "We heard noises coming from downstairs and mum thought it was a burglar. We all had to hide in the room upstairs, and mum called the police. Mum was so scared that she was crying. When we saw the police here, we climbed down the fire escape to the front of the house'
    and then one of them repeated
    'You made mum cry'
    I remember feeling ashamed of myself and guilty. 
    I went to my room and I could hear the 3 of them talking about me in the room below mine. 
    I phoned my mum that night from my bed because I was in a state of shock. My mum told me that she couldn't come back to the house with the money because here were police vans blocking the driveway. The police had apparently blocked off the road leading to the house, and were preventing anyone from going through. 
    I couldn't understand how they thought I was a burglar when I had been coming to the house the same time, same day, every single weekend.
    My mum left the money with her friends that lived in the area (Declan and Ali). They dropped the money off the following day.
    My mums understanding of the 'burglary' was, that my Aunt phoned the police to teach me a lesson. NOW, I know this sounds crazy and far fetched. But my Aunt is my mums older sister. They know each other better than anyone else would, and before this they had always had a good relationship. 
    So my mum would only say this if she truly believed that that was the case. She believed that my Aunt was annoyed that we didn't send her a text on that particular occasion- saying that we were on our way. And so she phoned the police and everything to prove a point that we should have texted her. 
    I didn't realise at the time, but later learned just how controlling my Aunt is.
    [My Aunt]
    The weeks following the burglary incident i progressively felt more and more uneasy around the family. I would often go out for long walks on the streets just to avoid being in their company. I would always cook my own meals do my own washing/ clean up to try and make life as easy as I could for them (and maybe possibly get them to like me more).
    I decided to give May some more space. I had come to the conclusion that I was intruding on her life too much (her friends/ family) and thats why she was annoyed with me all the time. So i backed off, and did whatever I could to please her.
    One day, whilst I was in the middle of writing an essay for one of my applications to veterinary, my aunt came into my room. She was angry with me. She said that I was odd, that there was something wrong with me, and that they had to put up with it. She blamed me for not spending more time with them. She then preceded to tell me that I was being mean to May, that I was ruining her year and if I didn't improve my relationship with her then she would have to kick me out. When she said this my eyes started to well up with tears. The thought of going home - back to solidarity, no friends etc was my worst nightmare. And at the same time, I felt completely and utterly defeated. I had been trying to fix my relationship with May for weeks. And yet she was blaming me for everything !
    After this, my mental health started to deteriorate massively. I missed out on school more, in an effort to avoid May. And i spent most of my time in my room. 
    I felt so guilty.
    My lovely Aunt had sacrificed so much so that i could stay with them, and this is how i re-payed her. 
    The depression started to creep back in.
    I became so affected with guilt that i started comfort eating. I wanted to punish myself. 
    Within 2 months I had gained 2 stone. I went from 7 and 1/2 stone -> to 9 1/2 stone. 
    I had never been that big before. 
    My mum was concerned for me, especially because of the condition that i was in the year before. She arranged for me to see a psychotherapist who also did hypnosis. (his name was Lenard)
    I was reluctant to see him on our first session. I remember I refused to get out of the car, and my mum had to phone my dad to help her get me into Lenards house.
    I'm not going to lie, the first session was awkward. But over time I started to trust Lenard, I would open up more to him. And I actually found myself looking forward to his sessions. It was more like having a chat with a beloved friend. And I always left the sessions feeling 10x better.
    However recovery isn't that easy or quick unfortunately. The short spurt of happiness and hope from Lenards sessions would only last a few days, at most, before I fell back into the black hole that is depression.
    I would lie in bed all day and night. Watching Netflix on my computer, as a distraction from reality. I was never really able to focus on anything. I wouldn't sleep well at night and often would be up until morning. I had completely retreated from society, refusing to go to school, or get dressed. 
    Each day became monotonous, it was too hard to push myself to change anything. It was hard enough fighting my depression enough to take a shower or brush my teeth, let alone be social and pretend that everything was ok.
    At this point I wanted to die. 
    I had never been so depressed before. It completely took over my life. 
    I was unable to do anything. 
    I can't think of a single moment, in those three months, that I was actually, truly happy. 
    I just wanted to stop existing. 
    But at the same time i knew that i couldn't **** myself. 
    I had to watch on as my family fell to pieces worried over me. Whilst being absolutely unable to do anything about it.
    I would make endless plans to try and get my life back together, but i would only be able to follow them for a few days consistently before the effort of doing so became too much. 
    I would always crash, and the more I crashed, the more hopeless I become.
    My Mum decided that I needed more short term methods to help me recover. Something that would work fast, so that I wouldn't end up screwing my exams over again.
    So she booked me in to see a psychiatrist, someone who could prescribe me some anti-depressants. 
    My Aunt wanted to go with me to see the psychiatrist so that she could give the psychiatrist 'a better picture of what I was like'.
    Of course my mum said no to this as she was aware that my Aunt was biased against me. 
    So instead my aunt (a doctor) decided to send her own letter to the psychiatrist that I was seeing.
    It was a clinical examination of me. Each box on the letter had different conditions that she was trying to diagnose me with. e.e 
    -> for OCD she said that I played the piano compulsively
    -> for emotional attachment she said that I was always emotionally detached from a young age and would struggle to give hugs + eye contact
    -> she said that I had social issues, and needed social situations to be explained to me
    -> she said that I was often hurtful to my cousins
    -> and she suggested that I should go and see an autism specialist
    The letter she sent was very contrived, she had either twisted things that my mum had said to her, taken things out of context, or straight up lied, about how I was. 
    Yes, I was a shy child, I wasn't the type who like to be the centre of attention. But I never felt that I didn't fit in with people, I had always managed to make friends throughout my life, and had never needed/ had social situations explained to me. 
    Also - the piano thing. Yes, I really like to play the piano, but I wasn't compulsively obliged to play it. 
    My parents tried to hide the letter from me, but weeks after seeing the psychiatrist, and starting anti-depressants, I found the letter on my mums phone. 
    At this point I actually felt good about myself. I know some of you may think thats an unusual response to seeing that kind of letter written about yourself. But for me, it confirmed all the things my psychotherapist was trying to tell me. My Aunt was biased against me, and nothing I did for them would ever be good. 
    The letter made it clear to me that my Aunt was wrong about me. 
    And from that point onwards I stopped feeling guilty. 
    And I started recovering. 
    However I still had a lot of emotions to deal with, at first anger, followed by self-pity and feeling like a victim. Neither helped me to get better. 
    It wasn't until my therapist told me this.. "I am so proud of you, the difference in you now, compared to when you first saw me is incredible. You have become a lot stronger person" (Although I wasn't healed yet). 
    He made me realise the difference in me. That I was now far more self-assure, able to stand up for myself.
    He said that it was a hard lesson for me to swallow, that everyone is flawed in some way, and that life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to be, it's not fair, and it doesn't make sense.
    But through all that I evolved to be a better person. And if you asked me now honestly, would I rather that the whole depression incident didn't happen, I would say no. I wouldn't change a thing. For once I can actually say that i'm proud of myself.
    1. I know that I can face tough things in life.
    2. I am way more caring and sensitive to peoples feeling than i've ever been before
    3. I am far more appreciative of the life that I have, and the people that are in it
    4. I am more outgoing, and for once feel that I have just as much of a right to exist as everyone else
    5. I am far better at self-reflection, and more aware of looking after my mental state
    No recovery wasn't perfect. It took a month of 40mg of anti-depressants to get me feeling like myself again. I remember I woke up one day and I could do whatever I wanted. I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from me. It was EASY to be me again.
    Everyone deals with depression differently, and everyone recovers from depression differently. I'm glad to say that now, mid march I am back to my old self again. And it's an amazing feeling. 
    I am 100% sure that without the therapy and the drugs that I had, I wouldn't have recovered from the dark place I was in. If i were to recover on my own, it would have taken me years. There is no shame in getting help. 
    When I was 14 I was able to get myself out of my depression through forcing myself to exercise, eat well, and socialise - it took me 6 months, but it worked eventually. 
    That wasn't the answer this time round though. You can't always do it by yourself, and thats ok. That doesn't make you weaker than anyone else. 
    Look at me as an example. The same person, but two different incidences of depression. 
    As I said before, I wouldn't change a thing. I know thats easy for me to say now, that it's all over. But I promise you that it's worth getting better. And being able to appreciate life again, after having lived several months in a very dark place, is THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD. 
    There is someone out there who wants to help you. For me it was my parents, despite everything that they've been through. 
    If you want someone to talk to, someone who understands what you're going through on a personal level. I am happy to be that person. Just let me know. I would hate to think of anyone feeling the way that I did. No one deserves that. And to get better sometimes you need to talk. XXX - Meg
  8. Soarsie18
    "when you walk in the bar. And you're dressed like a star, rocking your f me pumps..."
    So I'm writing this while listening to Amy Winehouse. I guess I understand her better than ever now. 
    I want to be honest. I'm angry.
    AT myself.
    I've wasted so much of my life caring about what little nobody's thought of me. Putting on a fake show to try and win them over. 
    Always striving to be as popular as my friend (who was an absolute social butterfly) - and putting myself down in the process.
    I've spent 18 YEARS being unhappy. for what. to make other people like me ? 
    Well guess what,
    now I'm sitting here, in bed all alone.
    Yep that's right.
    All that effort into becoming this perfect teenage girl - beautiful, kind, attractive, fun, funny, party animal, intelligent, organised, stylish, athletic
     all that masking for nothing. All a show.
    And as I am right now - I couldn't possibly be further away from that ideal. 
    F*ck it. 
    sorry for my language - (but yeah, I'm really angry at myself)
    When have I ever done anything for myself ?. When have I ever done anything because It felt right in my heart, not because it would make me look good to other people, or because it would gain me popularity points - Never
    I'm sick of hating myself. I'm sick of feeling less than. I'm sick of being scared. 
    so F*ck it.
    If they don't like me from now on then they don't have to have anything to do with me.
    Or if they want.. they can confront me !
    , either way I won't let them effect the way that I live my life anymore.
    When did I first put this into action ?
    April 2nd.
    I walked into school (first time in 6 months).
    It was the scariest moment of my life (I know pathetic right ?) - all because I care more than anything  how others perceive me.
    And I knew, at that moment, my reputation had gone down the drain.
    All thanks to my mental breakdown, six month disappearance off the face of the earth, and my cousin who probably lavished in the chance to spread rumours about me whilst I was gone. Fine whatever. I had to face it. 
    I walked into that building. My legs physically shaking, knees knocking together. I was wearing a skirt, tights and a tie, I felt super uncomfortable. 
    I walked through the school halls keeping my head down, avoiding eye contact and any kind of recognition. 
    The worst point was standing outside the work room. My cousin was sitting in there with all her friends crowded around her. I entered all alone. And every head in the room turned to look at me.
    Did they say anything ?
    - No.
    Were they judging me ?
    - almost absolutely
    But somehow, I still managed to leave the school that day feeling happy and content with myself. 
    Instead of putting myself down for how others reacted towards me. I thought to myself, f*ck these people :) 
    (not all of them, just the ones giving me funny looks)
    Do they really matter to me now ?
    - No
    Am I proud of myself for having the nerve to go to school
    - Yes
    That's all I need. To feel content with myself. That's what will support me through life. That's what will keep me happy and strong. 
    So no more conforming to the rules.
    No more being ashamed and scared of judgement.
    I'm going to do and say whatever the hell I want. 
    If it keeps people from walking all over me - then fine. I'll live with the consequences.
    I only need myself in this life.
    I have never, ever felt as distant and cut off as I do right now. 
    Tomorrow, I'm going in to school with an even stronger f*ck you attitude. 
    - No more shaky legs. 
    And - I'll be sure to listen to Amy Winehouse whilst making my entrance and try and channel her amazing attitude :)
    Thank you to everyone for giving me this strength. X
  9. Soarsie18
    I'm going to need tremendous strength to dig myself out of this one. 
    That responsibility bestowed upon me weighs like a ton.
    Strength that I have never, and will never have the capability to possess.
     But, they'd never believe me, if I were to confess. 
    Regardless they'd like to believe it's possible. 
    But I am, and never once have been that able.
    The only way for me to escape this now,
    Is to leave it all behind me and let freedom allow,
    whatever it is that the universe has to offer me,
    I have to accept it, somehow, and not feel so guilty. 
  10. Soarsie18
    I haven’t said anything in a while because for once I feel alive. I’m so grateful to just ‘feel’ again that I want to cry with joy all the time. I can’t tell you whats happened. Maybe just a couple of good exams. But that flick has been switched from total self destruction to digging myself out of this hole I’ve created.
    It was never about having the energy or having the means to do it. It was the motivation I was lacking in. Whats the point trying when you feel so useless. You might be able to ‘try’ for a couple of days but then what ? nothing, nothing changes and you’re left feeling even more useless.
    I guess my point is I don’t feel like that anymore. Is this the end ? nope. I’m sure the dark cloud will come back to haunt me again at some point. But if it’s any incentive, THIS FEELING I HAVE RIGHT NOW IS SO WORTH IT. haha I might just cry again. I’ll try not to. 
  11. Soarsie18
    I've said this before. I take things to the extreme. 
    I've always been very hard on myself. Unless I'm pushed to my limits I don't feel accomplished, and I very rarely feel content with myself.
    I have the ability to home all my focus into just one thing, and end up neglecting everything else around me. 
    That got me into a lot of trouble last year,
    and I guess because of that, I'm in even more trouble right now. 
    I remember the feeling I had then. I felt like I was hanging on to a cliff edge.
    never able to relax,
    constantly at risk,
    just barely holding on to life.
    I wasn't depressed because I still had hope,
    and I knew that it would all come to an end someday.
    And I knew that I had something to look forwards to afterwards. 
    And I was willing to make myself physically and mentally ill to get there.
    But then it all fell to pieces. I had no hope. I had no future. I was back to square one. 
    And even worse, I was now damaged on the inside. 
    I don't know how I've made it to this point now.
    But for some reason, I'm ready to try again. 
    I wouldn't say I'm motivated in the same way as last year.
    I am far more accepting now. I guess I've come to accept that I have no control over what other people decide is right for me. I have no control over whether I get an offer or not, therefore no control over whether I get to move out next year, and make friends. 
    I  can only hope that I do, but after so much disappointment I've lost hope in everything good. 
    Instead this time I'm focused on the things I can control. It's quite empowering.
    I'm not going to let myself get into the same state as last year. But at the same time I'm not going down without a fight. 
    It's my lifeline, my ticket out of here. And although I have no hope, no motivation,  I'm not ready to keel over and to never know how it could have turned out differently if I'd tried. 
    A few months ago, I had no hope that I'd regain this kind of resilience.
    I'm still extremely depressed at the moment, but I guess that's something to be thankful for, that I'm at least giving myself a chance now.
  12. Soarsie18
    I feel so empty and in-different to everything going on. Nothing is good enough so why would it matter anyway. 
    I've taken a huge step back, I don't know why.
    I can function again right ? I can get out of bed and get dressed without too much effort ? I even went out with my friends that one time. 
    I guess I get carried away when I see improvement. I think ..ah this is it, this is the end now. Only to be knocked down again.
    There's nothing I can do, there's nothing that anyone can do, I'm just stuck here. 
    What's even worse is that I'm expected to be an extraordinary person on top of that. Someone who can compartmentalise their feelings, and can shift their focus to the task ahead. 
    Maybe if I was well, I could try and not get so affected by them. 
    But I'm not well. I'm really not well. Prozac helped a bit. But it only helped so much. There's still so much missing. I'm tired of waking up feeling like this. I'm so tired. I just want to let go of everything. I'd be happy to, I'd pass away peacefully. 
  13. Soarsie18
    No matter what I say, no one will ever understand me.
    No matter how convincing I try to be, no one will ever believe me.
    My cries are falling upon deaf ears.
    They carry on with their planning and gossip as if nothing has ever happened. 
    I feel as though I am living with terminal cancer, and everyone is treating me like I'm suffering with the flu. 
    - A temporary pain in the arse, but will pass eventually 
    I really thought I wasn't going to come back this time.
    Even now I'm not sure.
    And yet with all of this inner turmoil that I carry , I still am constantly surrounded by meaninglessness. 
    If it weren't for you guys on df, posting about depression in the  gravity that I feel myself, I would have most definitely gone insane by now. 
    I don't want more attention.
    I don't want self-pity
    I just want a change. Any change.
    Depression turned my life upside down.
    But it didn't do the same for the people around me.
    And now, we are on completely different wavelengths.
    And I'm left here, in a world far from everyone, all on my own.
  14. Soarsie18
    Today is April 1st. 
    That means tomorrow is April 2nd
    And April 2nd is the day of my first A level exams.
    Now, if you've heard anything from me in the past couple of days, then you'd have heard about this exam thing and probably are sick to death of hearing about it.
    But... BEFORE YOU STOP READING ! -  I'm not trying to make a big deal out of something ordinary that everyone at some point in their lives has to face.
    I'd probably bore you to death if I did. 
    There are far more significant factors for me to face on April 2nd, factors that have me quaking with adrenaline. 
    (and having to perform well in an exam on top doesn't help that)
    My Demons
    My biggest fear, is the fear of being misjudged.
    That fear stopped me from speaking out, it stopped me from making connections, it kept me quiet. 
    It's always been that way, something that I was born with and never able to get control of.
    Over the years I've become more confident (slowly), I guess I was starting to accept and feel comfortable with who I was.
    When I went to stay with my Aunt last September, I was pretty confident. I was 18.
    I had already experienced the last year of A levels in my old school, so that gave me even more confidence that this year would be a success. 
    I was more mature and more experienced than I guess many in my year. I felt a type of confidence that I had never felt before. 
    For the first time I didn't have to depend on anyone to stick by my side, I was standing on my own two feet, on my own, in a foreign school, with foreign people - and I was doing completely fine. 
    Over the next few months, slowly, bit by bit, my confidence began to crack  by my aunts constant attempts to make me feel small, and less than my cousin (my Aunts daughter)
    I was 18, but I still wasn't my own person, I'd believe whatever was told to me (like children do with their parents). And in that time frame I guess my Aunt was my parent. 
    I believed that I was a bad person, that I was strange, and that I was inferior to my cousin. 
    I felt guilty about it for months.
    Now, if I had been knocked down at any other point in my life, I would have probably rebounded and been fine, a bit shaken, and angry, but fine. 
    At this point in my life, I had already been knocked down. I had underlying depression from that summer of me failing exams and friends moving away to university.
    This time, I felt no hope. 
    The idea of staying with my Aunt and going to a new school saved me from my summer depression. 
    It gave me hope. 
    And now, that last bit of hope I had, had been taken away. 
    The way I like to describe my depression is me sitting in a big pit. The further along my depression is, the deeper the pit would be. By Christmas, the pit was so deep that I couldn't see the sun shining anymore. 
    I did all sorts of things to cope with the disease - binge eating, and complete self destruction.
    For 4 months I was lifeless. Each day of living was just pro-longing my suffering, suffering that I wanted so badly to end, but didn't feel I could.
    Those 4 months, I lived in my bed. 
    here's my day for you:
    -> get out of bed
    -> make some food
    -> go back to bed, eat food in bed
    -> watch tv to distract me from my thoughts
    -> convince my family that I was fine for them to leave me alone in the house
    -> refuse to go out with them
    -> eat some more
    -> try and sleep for about 30 mins before giving up and staying up all night watching tv.
    -> start all over again
    For those 4 months (december - march) I only left the house to go to my therapist and tutor sessions. 
    I had become a recluse, I was't able to face the world anymore, not even just a walk on the beach down the road from where I live. 
    I might as well have been dead. 
    After a month of prozac, I feel as though I have come back from the dead. The meg - who was previously dead, is back now. And all the things that meg wants to do are now effortless - going for walks, going out with family, going out with friends, studying for exams.
    So, now that you have some idea of how the last few months were, I guess I should get to the point, which is actually all about tomorrow. 
    Tomorrow is the first time that I'll be seeing my cousin since I left their house. 
    Tomorrow is the first time that I'll be going back to school since November.
    Tomorrow is the first time that I'll have to explain to people in the school why I've been away for so long.
    Tomorrow is the first time that they'll see me since I left.
    Tomorrow is also the day of my first A level exam.
    A year ago, there's no way I'd be able to face this. Little old me - shy, a people pleaser, cares too much what people think
    I'd be too scared to enter a place where people already have pre-existing notions of me (all thanks to my cousin spreading rumours)
    I have been judged, judged in a very bad, negative way by my Aunt. 
    And through that I've come to realise that my worst fear - judgement, really isn't that bad.
    My Aunt was wrong about me - SO what, she doesn't like me. 
    My Aunt was never a fair person, and I'm actually really glad to get rid of her, same goes for my cousin as well. TOXIC.
    So, if anyone tomorrow feels up to giving me weird looks, making fun of me, straight up ignoring me or misjudging me in any way. I honestly couldn't care less. 
    They might not know the truth, but I do. 
    And I'm sick of bending over backwards and protecting people who are toxic to me just because I'm a people pleasure, and care too much what others think. 
    I honestly couldn't care less now.
    There will always be someone who's wrong about you.
    So as long as what you're doing is right in your own head, keep doing it !
    let them think what they think.
    And once you make peace with that,
    You'll be a free person, at last.
  15. Soarsie18
    List of things that I'm grateful for today
    1. My bed
    2. coffee
    3. My cat
    4. My education
    5. My Dad
    6. My Mum
    7. My Nan
    8. Comfy clothes
    9. My friends
    10. Food
    11. Music
    12. The Sun
    13. The Sea
    14. My Dog
    14. Fluffy Socks
    15. Showers
    16. My Phone
    17. My laptop (because it allows me to talk to you guys :))
    18. Candles and perfume
    19. My car
    20. Kind strangers
    21. Gogglebox
    22. My Health
    23. My strength
    24. My ability to evolve
    25. Running
    26. Surfing
    27. Tv thriller dramas and documentaries
    28. Sir David Attenborough and Noel fitzpatrick for inspiring me to be a vet
    29. My sisters (for being my best friends)
    30. Every person for being unique and interesting in their own way
    * I hope you find something in this list that you can also be grateful for, or are able to think of your own things X 
    there are plenty more things that I could have added onto the list, but generally I am grateful to have these things in my life, it would be much harder to cope if i didn't X
  16. Soarsie18
    Life is unfair. 
    If you look at life from the perspective of good and bad.
    Some people are more fortunate, others are less fortunate.
    Shouldn't it be equal ?
    Why should one person have it easy whilst someone else has to struggle with sh*t throughout life. 
    That's the perspective that I used to have.
    I would view myself as being less fortunate than others -
    why did i fail my exams when I tried so hard and sacrificed so much ?
    Why do I have a knee injury which is stopping me from going out, exercising and surfing ?
    Why have all my friends moved away and i'm left here on my own ?
    Why do I have to re-apply to uni after getting so close to being accepted and working hard towards it my whole life ?
    Why am I depressed ?
    and on and on. -
    In short, I was feeling self- pity
    That feeling was feeding into my depression, 
    until I was told to by a very wise man to change my perspective.
    The truth is there is an underlying good, in every bad.
    -> failing my exams taught me the importance of having a good work-life balance, taking care of my mental health and above all - the importance of sleep !
    -> My knee operation taught me the importance of physical health, it taught me to stop hating my body for the way it looked and start loving it for healing me, and helping me get back to normal
    -> My friends moving away helped me realise how much I needed them, how grateful I was to have them around. Since then I've put more effort into maintaining relationships and have opened up more instead of pushing them away when I'm depressed
    -> Having to re-do the final year of A levels has given me the chance to mature as a person and has further instilled the passion and determination in me to be a vet.
    -> Being depressed has helped me appreciate life 100x more when i'm not depressed. It's made me GRATEFUL, its made me STRONG, its made me more CARING. 
    So, when life seems unfair. 
    When the universe is testing you,
    Try to take on a new perspective:
    The universe is giving you a chance to grow, to become stronger, and to learn a lesson from every situation.
  17. Soarsie18
    I just watched a Louis Theroux episode called 'Edge of life'. 
    It showed hospital patients who were on the verge of death, and it showed them and their loved ones having to swallow the death sentences that had been given to them. A particular guy moved me to tears. His name is Langston and he was in his early 20s.
    Langston had overdosed on heroin which caused severe brain damage and ended him in a coma.
    The hospital called in a Neurologist to examine his brain scans. Langstons prognosis was that he would never wake up from the coma. His brain was too damaged from lack of oxygen to ever function again.
    They told his family that he would never recover, never be able to respond, eat, breath voluntarily,  and would remain in a vegetated state. 
    The experts advised that Langston should be taken off of life support after 5 days of being non-responsive. 
    (They say if theres no improvement within the first few days, then it's most likely the patient won't improve at all)
    Despite the experts knowledge on Langstons condition, the family were adamant that Langston would recover to full health. 
    And so, a few weeks later (when it was almost definitely confirmed that Langston was dead)  - Langston woke up.
    He opened his eyes, looked at his sister  and for the first time was actually seeing her.
    Nurse - 'Langston, who is this" (pointing at his sister)
    Langston - (turning his head in that direction) 'my sister"
    A few months had passed with Langston undergoing some intense physiotherapy.
    And the at the end of the episode was a clip of Langston, confidently walking back into the hospital where he was told he was going to die.
    Just as his family said - he was fully recovered.
    His recovery was 1 in a million. Absolutely unheard of in the medical world.
    It moved me.
    I couldn't help but think of myself in that position, and the things that I want to accomplish before then.
    I've never been the kind of girl to be ok with 50% effort. I'm either all or nothing. 
    And I don't want to die with any regrets of not having done enough or not having tried enough.
    'Cause by the time you're at that point in life, you stop caring what other people think of you, you stop worrying about their judgement. 
    Yet throughout life, fear is a constant factor that stops you from stepping out of your comfort zone, from voicing your opinion, or standing out from the crowd in any way.
    I'm not saying I want to be different to everyone else out there. 
    I just want to be comfortable being me,
    to stop worrying about whether people will accept me or not. those people won't matter to me when i'm on my death bed.
    You have to live life as you want, not let fear control you or stop you from going further. 
    Personally, i know that I need to become a vet before I die. I'm scared of being inadequate to all the other vet applicants. I'm scared of embarrassing myself, i'm scared of failure. 
    But, if i stop pursuing my dream because i'm scared that i'm not good enough,  i'll end up spending the rest of my life believing that i'm not good enough.
    Hang in there.
    Never stop believing in yourself, no matter how much the odds are stacked up against you.
    Because, you will only fail when you decide to give up on yourself. 
  18. Soarsie18
    You don't want to sleep, 
    but you don't want to be awake.
    You don't want to eat, 
    but you don't want to be hungry.
    You don't want to be around people, 
    but you don't want to be alone.
    You don't want to do anything, 
    but you don't want to do nothing.
    What you really want to do is stop existing,
    but you can't do that without dying, 
    and you don't really want to do that either.
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