Jump to content

xwaxpoeticx

Newbie
  • Content Count

    13
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About xwaxpoeticx

  • Rank
    Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    United States

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

  1. This is just how my life goes. I called a bunch of psychiatrists yesterday. No one will take me as a patient. Not a single one. Either they say they don't know enough about kidney disease to make proper adjustments to medications, or their practice is full. I just can't win. This is the story of my life. Even psychiatrists won't help me.
  2. Thank you. I am struggling day to day, it's getting harder and harder to drag myself out of bed in the morning, and harder to not break down in the middle of the day. I'm at dialysis now, and I just want to get out of here. I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. I used to be able to occupy myself with something, I bring my laptop and I have TV shows and movies, and a few video games, but I have no desire to watch or play anything. I still have three hours left to my treatment too. And what am I going to do when I get home? Hopefully pass out, but if not, I'm going to try and make myself pass out with a drink or two and a xanax. I know how horrible that is. My doctor prescribed the xanax for me for when I have an anxiety or panic attack to calm me down. I've had the same prescription for four months, since I would always try to avoid taking anything. For the past two weeks I've been taking one every night. I never drink either, but I've been drinking a glass or two of rum every night also. I don't want to get addicted to either, but I just need to numb my mind. Otherwise, even if I'm exhausted, I end up not being able to fall asleep and just stare at the ceiling until somehow I drift off. I'm trying to find a psychiatrist. I need someone that can prescribe and adjust medications. I've been on Wellbutrin for around seven years, and I don't think it's working at all. It's just so hard to find someone. I'm going through lists on the Psychology Today website of psychiatrists in my area, and I've left a message for two of them. I'm hoping I get a call back, because I just can't deal with this alone. It's just too much to cope with.
  3. I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm at my wit's end. I feel like I am going to explode, and I don't know where to turn. I feel like I am spinning in an emotional circle, and there's no end to it. I also feel so isolated, and that no one wants to hear about what I'm feeling. Even here, where it's supposed to be a place to find comfort, I feel like a burden, sort of like even here, everyone is sick of hearing from me. I feel like I will never be loved. By anyone. And I feel stupid for feeling this way. I'm an adult, I shouldn't get so broken up over a broken heart. I met someone recently. And, as I've mentioned in other posts, in addition to this soul crushing depression, I have a host of other physical ailments. Well, anyway, this woman that I met, she was bit of a beacon of hope for me. After speaking for some time, I revealed the status of my health. She seemed genuinely concerned. So much so, that she knew of a transplant center in Florida with a short wait period. She called, without me even knowing, and spoke to the transplant coordinator, and had them send her documents to bring to my dialysis center. She started doing research, and then asking me questions to find out just how I was doing. I felt like maybe, just maybe, I wasn't completely alone, and she told me she would be by my side and we would face this together. Well, this past weekend, we went out, and we ended up in a hotel room. It was the first time we were going to be truly intimate. Unfortunately for me, I have the double blessing of kidney failure and diabetes, which if you are unaware, both severely impact someone's sex life. To make matters worse, I've always been very self conscious of myself, and now, on top of that, I have a catheter sticking out of my chest. This is embarrassing for me to talk about, but I just don't know how else to really explain what happened. We started to get intimate, but we couldn't have actual sexual intercourse. According to her though, with what I was able to do, I was able to satisfy her. However, I almost felt like she was disgusted by the thought of touching me. I guess she saw that I was upset, and I don't know, took pity on me. When we parted ways, she barely said a word to me, and before I left, she gave me a kiss on the cheek that was anything but passionate. She texted me while I was driving home asking me to let her know when I got in safe. I did, and she never responded. I didn't hear from her Sunday, and I just let it go. Once again I didn't hear from her all day Monday. Tuesday morning I texted her and asked if everything was ok. She said it was but she was very busy with her daughter. I asked if she would have time to talk to me later in the day. I didn't hear from her for a few hours, and when I finally did, she said we could be friends, but she didn't want anything romantic at this time. I was heartbroken, and I told her that I didn't believe that was the real reason, and I said goodbye. I couldn't take it anymore, and yesterday I sent her an email telling her how I felt, that I was devastated, and I missed her, and I apologized to her for things being awkward on Saturday, and I apologized for everything I was and all the things I couldn't do. I sent the email at 8PM yesterday, and I have not heard from her. I know she'll never call me or text me again. I can just tell that she was disappointed and disgusted with me. This only reinforces the fact that I know I am going to be alone. She was so far out of my league to begin with, but this just broke me. What chance do I have of finding love with my own body betraying me? As if I didn't hate myself enough before, I am now humiliated for all reasons, and degraded, and I've debased myself again in front of her by writing and basically begging to hear from her, all while saying that I know I will never speak to her again and that she didn't need to write back. How do I recover from this? How do I not feel like such an idiot and such a loser? Did I really need one more thing to chip away at my non-existent self esteem? And what do I do about her? I miss her so much, I miss the hope she gave me that I might have a support system. I miss the texting, I miss hearing her voice. I miss the video chats after dialysis. But then I think, even before this, she would pull me closer with one hand, and push me away with the other, all at the same time. I doubt she misses me, or even thinks about me. What am I supposed to do? I've felt alone my whole life, but this brings it to a completely different level. I will face this all alone, I have no support, and this proves that my dreams of finding a little light in the darkness are just dreams. And it's not like she's even wrong. Is it fair to ask someone to be a part of this? It would be such a strain on them. They would have to make sacrifices that are completely unfair of me to ask of someone. I've learned to deal with the physical pain and exhaustion that I feel, but I can't cope with the emotional pain, and even more, the emotional and psychological exhaustion that I have to face every day. I'm sorry for ranting. This is just boiling over and I don't know where else I can turn.
  4. I have thought about taking CBD oil for the physical pain. But since it's not regulated, I don't know which brand to try. What brand are you using? I'm just worried that if I get a brand that doesn't have a lot of CBD in it, it's just a waste of time, money, and hope, hope more importantly, because I am trying something else that will also fail me.
  5. I wish I could find faith. I've tried reconciling my beliefs with with religion, of any kind, but I can never do it. The logical part of my brain doesn't leave room for things of faith. I know it brings many people a lot of comfort, and I wish I could share in that comfort. I've tried, but if you don't really believe, and I don't, it doesn't help any.
  6. I am so sorry to hear about your health. When I complain I always feel like I'm acting like a spoiled brat and I'm just whining. The fact that you are facing your challenges with such stoicism makes me feel like I have no right to complain. I've thought about going on disability, many times. I couldn't survive the waiting period. I have nothing saved, and so many bills. Almost everything I own is in storage, all my pictures, photos, everything from my childhood, as miserable as it may have been, is in there, and if I don't work, I will lose it all because I can't pay the bill. I'm trying to go on, just the fact that I don't want to lose my possessions means I want to trudge through this, but I don't know how to do it anymore. I don't think I am explaining my feelings correctly. I want to live. I want to go for long drives and see the beauty in the world. I hold out hope beyond hope that things will get better, but I just seem to feel worse as time goes on. I think I could even deal with the physical pain. I have a very high tolerance from being in agony all the time, and I get used to things hurting so it doesn't affect me as much. After a while I can even oh ignore it and it's more of an annoyance than anything else. It's the emotional pain I can't deal with. It's the crushing despair and the isolation and the emptiness and loneliness that takes it's toll. It's the urge to say "f--k it, I tried, and like everything else I failed, and just like everything else, I give up." I never resorted to drugs, but sometimes I wish I had. Despite all the PSAs to the contrary, all the people that I knew growing up that were potheads seem well adjusted and happy. I know myself, though, I'll like it too much and have to walk around stoned all the time to even function. I also don't know how to open up, at least in person. Not about anything bad, anyway. Growing up, everything was about show. My mother would buy me $8 socks and $100 outfits when I was 5 and going to outgrow them in weeks, and this was in the early 80s, but we couldn't pay our bills. We had to look good on the outside, even though the family was rotting away on the inside, with my father having affairs all the time, and my mother sticking her head in the sand about anything she didn't want to acknowledge. I learned from that, so when I'm talking to people in person, even therapists, I paint a pretty picture but the frame of the canvas I'm painting it on is crumbling and ugly underneath. I guess I want someone to say "here, do this" and everything will be better, but that's not how this works, and the frustration from that just makes it worse. Sorry for another long post. I start writing and it just comes flooding out, and I never allow that to happen, but this time I just can't stop it.
  7. That's just it. I'm tired of doing the things I have to do. I'm tired of having to get out of bed. I'm tired of having to go to work. I'm tired of going to dialysis. I'm tired of checking my blood sugar all day long. I'm tired of trying to walk around and pretend to the rest of of the world that it's ok because I have no one close enough in my real life to let them know what's going on. I checked. I am legally allowed to refuse treatment for my kidney failure. Sure, I'm terrified of dying, but at the same time, I'm tired of fighting. I'm not for attention and to get people to go "oh, no, you have so much to live for", because, first, that's BS. I don't have my health, I don't have family, I don't have friends. Second, I haven't decided that's what I want to do yet. Third, I don't see any path for me where in the future I'll feel good. My kidney failure is not going to go away. Even if I somehow get a transplant, there will be other things, like immunosuppressants that will make me feel terrible. And my diabetes isn't going away either, it's type 1, so I'm stuck with it for life. My pancreas isn't going to suddenly heal. Neuropathy is permanent, do these pains are going to be a lifelong companion. And even if there was some way to fix all my physical ailments, my mind is still a mess. No amount of drugs, no amount of therapy, or talking, or anything, will fix the chemical imbalances that cause me to feel this way. I've been depressed my whole life. I remember wishing I was dead back when I was 9 and 10 when I'd come home from school after a day of being bullied for everything, and when I was 11 and the other kids even used my diabetes as a weapon to bully me with. These pathways are so engrained in my brain that unless science finds a way to rewrite them, I will die like this, be it soon, or 20 years from now. I'd ask when does it end, but it never does. I'd ask how do I feel better, but there's nothing to do. I'd ask someone to help me, but I truly have no one. I have a brother that hates me because his wife has turned him against whatever family we have. I have two nieces, 3 and 4, who I've never even met because he doesn't want anything to do with me. My mother passed away when I was 22. My father abandoned us when i was 17, and now has a new family with new kids, who aren't even his, and doesn't want anything to do with the family he created. I have literally no friends. I have associates at work, and that's it. When I go home, I have no one there, no one to call, no one to talk to. Stopping dialysis supposedly isn't painful. There are meds for the nausea when things get bad. I'm not looking for someone to talk me out of this, because I haven't said this is what I'm going to do. I'm begging for someone to tell me how to deal with this and feel better, at least emotionally, if not physically, when nothing works. I have been fighting for so long. When do I get to stop?
  8. I haven't logged in for a bit, I've been trying to deal with everything, but I'm getting overwhelmed again. Like, really bad. I mentioned previously, I'm in end stage renal failure, and I have diabetic neuropathy, depression, and, well, obviously diabetes. Between all of those conditions, I'm just feeling so tired. I'm tired of waking up in pain every day, and going through the day in pain, every step I take feels like my feet are on fire. My joints ache, I get out of breath so easily, and I'm on so many blood pressure meds my pressure is either high, and I feel terrible, or really low and I feel terrible. I have no peace. I have to crawl out of bed every day and go to work for nine hours, and then three days a week I get to come home, drop my things off, and head off to dialysis for another four hours. I barely have the energy to eat, yet I have days where I have to be up for as long as 15 hours. Between my diabetes and my depression, I feel like I've never felt well, not even once in my life. I feel like I have always been ill, and since I've been diabetic since I was 11, I pretty much have been. I'm just so tired. I want to rest. I want to not ache. I want to not be so sad. I want to be able to laugh and smile like so many other people. I want to not be so alone. But most of all, I'm tired and I want rest. I don't want to fight anymore, because that's all I do. I want to just lie down in bed, and just not get up. I'm not suicidal, but I want to quit work, quit dialysis, and just rest until it's over. I don't know how much more I can take. I have no one to talk to, I have no support, no family to speak of, and nothing seems to help. I can't even cry anymore. I feel it welling up, but the tears no longer come. Wellbutrin has lost its effect completely. Paxil, prozac, zoloft, none of them ever worked, wellbutrin was the only one that ever had any effect on me. Xanax doesn't help anymore either, and I don't want to increase my dosage of that. I just need peace. For once in 41 years I want peace. I don't want to worry about anything and I don't want to fight. Nothing brings me joy, I don't look forward to anything. I can't wait to go to sleep at night, because if I dream, I don't remember them, and it just feels like oblivion. I'm sorry for being all over the place. I'm usually much more structured in my thoughts, but I can't even maintain a train of thought. What do you do when you've tried everything, and none of it works, and you just want to give up?
  9. I haven't logged in for a bit, I've been trying to deal with everything, but I'm getting overwhelmed again. Like, really bad. I mentioned previously, I'm in end stage renal failure, and I have diabetic neuropathy, depression, and, well, obviously diabetes. Between all of those conditions, I'm just feeling so tired. I'm tired of waking up in pain every day, and going through the day in pain, every step I take feels like my feet are on fire. My joints ache, I get out of breath so easily, and I'm on so many blood pressure meds my pressure is either high, and I feel terrible, or really low and I feel terrible. I have no peace. I have to crawl out of bed every day and go to work for nine hours, and then three days a week I get to come home, drop my things off, and head off to dialysis for another four hours. I barely have the energy to eat, yet I have days where I have to be up for as long as 15 hours. Between my diabetes and my depression, I feel like I've never felt well, not even once in my life. I feel like I have always been ill, and since I've been diabetic since I was 11, I pretty much have been. I'm just so tired. I want to rest. I want to not ache. I want to not be so sad. I want to be able to laugh and smile like so many other people. I want to not be so alone. But most of all, I'm tired and I want rest. I don't want to fight anymore, because that's all I do. I want to just lie down in bed, and just not get up. I'm not suicidal, but I want to quit work, quit dialysis, and just rest until it's over. I don't know how much more I can take. I have no one to talk to, I have no support, no family to speak of, and nothing seems to help. I can't even cry anymore. I feel it welling up, but the tears no longer come. Wellbutrin has lost its effect completely. Paxil, prozac, zoloft, none of them ever worked, wellbutrin was the only one that ever had any effect on me. Xanax doesn't help anymore either, and I don't want to increase my dosage of that. I just need peace. For once in 41 years I want peace. I don't want to worry about anything and I don't want to fight. Nothing brings me joy, I don't look forward to anything. I can't wait to go to sleep at night, because if I dream, I don't remember them, and it just feels like oblivion. I'm sorry for being all over the place. I'm usually much more structured in my thoughts, but I can't even maintain a train of thought. What do you do when you've tried everything, and none of it works, and you just want to give up?
  10. @Tears_Always I'm pretty new here myself, and I was just browsing and reading other peoples' posts hoping to find a little comfort for myself. I stumbled on your post, and I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss. Most people don't understand that pets are more than just, well, pets. They become like our children, our family, our best friend, because their love and affection is always pure and unconditional. A little over two years ago, I lost one of my dogs. He was a 18 year old black lab. He was special to me for so many reasons. My mother passed away in 1998, just a few months after I got him, and he was my biggest source of comfort. He was there through joy, and he was there during heartbreak, but every time I saw his wagging tail, I felt a little better. He knew when things were really bad with me, and there were times I would go to sleep in a bad way, and I would wake up in the morning to him cuddled up next to me. As he got older, his health slowly declined, but right around the time he turned 17 it got bad. After a year of keeping him alive, sometimes I think unfairly, I knew his time had come, and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I've had to put pets to sleep before, but unlike the others, he was awake and alert. I knew he was in pain and suffering. Afterwards I sat with him for a few hours before I could bring myself to leave. To make matters worse, last February, my other lab, who I had adopted a year after the first one, passed from a prolonged battle with cancer. She was never the same after I lost my other dog, and I don't think I was either. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I know how much this hurts. Don't listen to people that say get another pet, but on the other hand, don't rule out the possibility of adopting another when you're ready. Grieve in your own way, in your own time. If I can be brutally honest, the loss is never completely gone, but it does get easier with time. Right now when you think of Wicket, it will hurt. But in time you'll think of him and only feel joy.
  11. Thanks for the warm welcome. I'm at dialysis now, and I will be here until 11PM tonight, after a full day of work and I am so tired. I think even though I am so physically tired and everything hurts, I am even more tired emotionally. I am trying to keep hope that I might be able to find a little solace here. I feel like I want to cry all the time, it's just bubbling under the surface, and that if I could cry, I might feel a little bit better. There's a block that prevents me from crying and I don't know what it is. I know the last time I cried was the night my mother passed away. It was a bad time, I was 22 and I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with an ex, and I just lost it. And I haven't been able to cry since. I know I am jumping all over the place, but have you ever just needed a really good hug, and there's no one there to give one? I've felt like that all day.
  12. Thank you for your prayers. It's easy to forget that sometimes there are people out there, complete strangers, who are legitimately concerned for others. I wish I had faith in something that could perhaps being me some comfort. My entire life I've found it impossible to believe in any higher power, and often I find myself jealous of people that do. I want to, but I find it impossible to reconcile with what I believe.
  13. Hello all. I guess this post serves as both an introduction, and a chance for me to vent. At this time, I'm not comfortable giving my name, even if it's just my first name, so I'll leave out that part of the introduction. I'm 41 years old, and I know in my head that depression and sadness doesn't have an age limit, but I still keep beating myself up thinking that I am behaving like an angst ridden teenager, just like I did when I was an actual teenager. I chose my username because as a teenager, I used to wax poetic about all my pain with terrible, terrible poetry. It didn't really help then, except to convince myself that I could share my emotional pain with others through flowery words. Where to begin? Well, let's start with my age, and health. As I said, I'm 41, and I have been diabetic for 30 years. A good portion of that time I did not take care of myself, and I am paying for it now. If you looked at me, you'd never know, so thank goodness for small favors there, but internally, I'm a wreck. I am on dialysis, and I have been for two years. I am suffering from diabetic neuropathy in both my feet, and it's agony to walk, especially when I first stand up after sitting or lying down for a while. I am so tired all the time. I mean, I can sleep 16 hours out of the day if left alone. I can't do anything that I used to be able to do, I get out of breath so easily and feel like I am going to pass out. Despite this, I drag myself out of bed every day and force myself, however bad I hurt, to go to work. I want to be a success, but I know that this will never happen for so many reasons. It's a running theme in my life. I get an incredible job with an outstanding salary, I work, but I can't keep it up for long. It shows mostly in my tardiness or absenteeism. My supervisors will love my work, but they can't take the constant lateness and sick days, so I get fired. This was going on long before the dialysis and neuropathy. I was just always so tired and didn't want to wake up. The past few years I have managed to fight through some of the exhaustion and make it to work on time, but other aspects of my health get in the way of performing my job. I have to leave early for dialysis, and I know for a fact I've been fired for my health, but there's no way that I an prove it. I've even spoken to lawyers, and since they basically didn't come right out and say that was the reason, there's no way to dispute the reasons they did give. I'm pretty isolated. I have been in a relationship for 17 years, but I am so unhappy. I love the woman I'm with as a person, and I don't want to hurt her, but I feel no romantic attraction to her at all. Any intimacy is always forced, and I get no real enjoyment out of it. I am also very resentful towards her. She makes a big production to everyone about how she takes care of me, and I play along in public, but in reality nothing ever gets done. It's all a facade. And when I call her on it in private, there's always an excuse or claims that she did do such and such, but I know that she was sitting at the kitchen table until 3AM watching YouTube, or having a screaming argument with her mother over one thing or another. She would fight with her mother over anything, and her mother, who suffers from BPD, is more than willing to come up with reasons for an argument. The next thing you know, the whole day is wasted and we're into the wee hours of the morning, so she'll end up sleeping the entire day away. I know she's depressed, too, but won't do anything about it. Nothing is done right in my house. Nothing is ever cleaned, things are breaking or broken. We don't sit down to dinner until midnight or later most of the time, and even then, it's usually fast food because no one wants to, or sometimes even can, cook in the house. Right now, she said she was going to cook dinner for me because I am completely broken, but she's busy fighting with her mother instead. I came home from work a little early today, exhausted as usual, limping through the door because my feet, my knees, and my back were ******* me. This was at 4PM, she said she was going to the grocery store to get something to cook for dinner. Well, she didn't leave until 8PM, and was gone until 10. I know I must sound like a monster, getting upset that she isn't cooking dinner, and I feel bad for that, but it's like running a marathon just trying to survive the day without collapsing. And because of everything, I usually don't get to bed before 3AM, and have to be up at 7AM, which isn't helping with anything. I also have no other friends. Between my physical and mental health, I have lost contact with everyone. I have no support system, no family to speak of, so I always feel so alone. I guess I'm a horrible person for doing this, but I've created online dating profiles, trying to meet women, not to have affair, but as sad as it is, to talk to, flirt with, maybe get a little attention. While I don't want to be with my girlfriend, I can't leave her because I don't want to hurt her. That will leave her alone with her mother, who has destroyed any other relationship she has tried to have her entire life. She also has done a lot for me, sacrificed so much, that I can't bring myself to leave. I did start speaking to someone, and I got along really well with her and I was very attracted to her. We would text throughout the day, and talk, and flirt, and it gave me some illusion of happiness. She kept wanting to get together, and I kept coming up with excuses as to why I couldn't The other day she suddenly grew very distant, and said we need to take things slow (they had the appearance of moving very fast, except for meeting in person). The texts were colder, and nothing like what they were. The last thing I texted to her was that if she wanted to talk to me, she knew my number, and if she wanted to get together, to let me know when. She wrote back that she'd like to grab dinner next week, and I said sure. No date, no plans were set. I've deleted all her texts, and her contact information from my phone, except for one mention of her phone number. I'm trying to bring myself to delete that so I wouldn't be able to contact her if I want to, and if there was any more communication it would have to start with her. She hasn't written since, and I'm wishing she would. I miss talking to her, and on top of that, I miss feeling like there might be a chance for me to be at least a little less sad. I'm half tempted to go meet her if she does write. I am so tired of feeling like this. I feel like I am living my life, waiting to die. That doesn't mean I'm suicidal. Heaven knows why not, but I have no desire to **** myself. But I feel like I am going to be miserable, and there is no changing that, and my only escape will be that one day when my health catches up with me and kills me. I'm sorry for the long post, and I appreciate anyone who has read through the whole thing. I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. I've talked to therapists and psychiatrists, and that doesn't help at all. Talking doesn't seem to make me feel better in the long run, or give me insight into anything that changes my life for the better. I've taken just about every kind of anti-depressant there is out there, right now I am on Wellbutrin 300XL, and Xanax every now and then when I need it, but it doesn't seem to be able to keep up. I've tried Zoloft, Paxil, Prozac, you name it, and nothing seems to work. I just don't know what to do.
×
×
  • Create New...