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fairylights

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About fairylights

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  1. 50 mg Seroquel helps me sleep like a baby for 10 hours every night. I'm a raging insomniac so I had completely forgotten what it felt like to be hit by that tidal wave of sleepiness that knocks you out the minute your head hits the pillow. I don't like the other side effects (made me spaced out and forgetful to a degree I couldn't handle) so I stopped taking it. But man, I slept so well, I kinda miss that part. Now I just take 1 mg Ativan every 3-4 days so I can get at least two decent nights of sleep a week.
  2. It's pretty normal to have off days even when your meds are working ... the issue is more one of moderating their frequency and severity than of aiming not to have them at all. I would say give 300 a chance for a couple weeks and if you don't like it, drop back down to 150? I was personally hesitant to jump from 300 to 450 since I've never been on the max dose before but the transition was pretty easy after an initially bumpy ten days and I actually feel better on it than I did on 300. But everyone is different ... the only way to find out if it works for you is to try yourself. FWIW my appetite increased when I first started out on 150 but dipped back down once I moved to 300.
  3. The tables have been turned re: worrying, especially the last couple of days. I'm having to watch him like a hawk to make sure he doesn't try to harm himself. I am really scared right now and hoping this latest crisis will pass soon because I am really tired. I guess this thread is now my relationship blog, lol. Sorry y'all. It's good to be able to write it down somewhere anonymously, I guess. Can't really talk about this stuff in real life because it freaks people out too much.
  4. It's been a month since I last posted here. A really difficult month. I honestly didn't know through most of it whether or not my boyfriend and I were even still together because he withdrew so completely, not just from me but from everyone. However, in that time, I made the realization that even if he doesn't love me anymore, even if we're not together, I care about his well-being and will do what I can to foster that if at all possible. And I let him know that. Told him he has my love and support, regardless of whether or not he ever gets better, whether or not he still cares for me that way, whether or not he feels like he deserves it, because he will never be less worthwhile in my eyes. Maybe that was naive and dramatic but I felt better after saying it and committing to it, even though it didn't really fix anything. He was a tad more communicative—partly because I told him he has to let me know if he is actually reaching a point of crisis—but it's been incredibly painful to watch him suffer and watch him seemingly forget what we had or act like it wasn't real and never had been. It's still felt right to hold on and keep faith as best as I could as long as I could. I was really down over the weekend though and I guess he noticed because on Sunday, he reached out to me, telling me that he's still in love with me though he feels most of the time like he can't say it, that he finds it easy to talk to me despite the fact that he retreats inside himself a lot, that he remembers how close we were and how good it felt even though he's really struggling right now, and that he needs me but worries about me prioritizing him over my own self-care. I told him I wasn't going to leave unless he explicitly asked me to and he said he didn't think he had it in him to do that and that I have to remember he still loves me even though he's distant and depressed. So that's that. It was the most emotion I've seen from him in months, probably. Definitely in the last two months. Things have sort of gone back to the same pattern of distance though not as bad as before. So I remain hopeful and can only pray that I'm strong enough to see him—and us—through this episode. And oh man, it's hard. I'm so, so tired. But love and hope keep me going and it's good to know that they were and are still real.
  5. Sad that my boyfriend is hurting but determined to see him through this.
  6. My boyfriend is very depressed and unfortunately, I have a feeling it is going to get worse before it gets better. I want to do what I can to be there for him, make sure he is not a danger to himself, and, if possible, keep a glimmer of hope alive without making him feel like I'm being fake positive or bullshitting him. He withdraws completely when he is depressed because feels like a failure and shoulders an immense burden of guilt for inflicting his "toxicity" on others (he is not toxic, he is just hurting but there is no way for me to convince him of this.) That being said ... I am not sure what to talk about or how to keep him engaged to the extent possible. What do I talk to him about? Do I ask how he's feeling? The reason I hesitate to do this is that I don't want him to feel pressured into feeling better when he literally can't ... speaking from my own experience with depression, it is very frustrating to have to admit day after day to someone else that you don't feel better and just want to not be alive anymore. Do I ask anyway? Or do I talk about my own life? I feel bad telling him about anything nice that happened to me or anything I'm looking forward to because I don't want to rub it in his face when he is struggling. I cannot tell him about how I am struggling myself because he will feel guilty for not being able to support me and sink even deeper into self-loathing. Or do I try to keep him engaged some other way? As someone who is currently also suffering from depression (mine is milder than his so far as I can tell), I don't feel terribly interesting or stimulating right now. I don't have much to share that I think he would like. I don't want him to feel like I'm tiptoeing around him or not treating him as normal ... but I'm also not sure how to treat him as normal. So what do I talk about? What questions can I ask to check in with him that don't feel invasive and upsetting? How do I keep lines of communication open to the extent possible? (I already told him three days ago that I love him and that my love isn't contingent on him getting better, or "succeeding in life," or even loving me back right now as I recognize he is too numb to feel much of anything. At the very least, he didn't push me away when I said those things and has generally responded whenever I've reached out since and even initiated one time about something that was bugging him. The conversations are short and awkward and require heavy prompting from me but it is a start, I think, and I'm cautiously hopeful. I just want to keep him engaged somehow.)
  7. I went up to 300 Monday. Whew, it's a LOT OF STIMULATION. That or Wellbutrin is finally starting to work after having been on it for three weeks? No sleep for me ever again, it feels like + high heart rate + tinnitus ... I hope these symptoms settle down soon. My psychiatrist wants me to go up to 450 but I'm not sure my body can handle it. I don't feel perceptibly more anxious, which is interesting but the physical side effects are there. LOTS OF ENERGY but no motivation to do anything with it yet. We'll see how it goes.
  8. How do we find these rooms? Thanks.
  9. I really doubt she'd be disappointed and disgusted with you. Concerned yes, but also loving and caring ... I mean, come on! Best mom in the world!
  10. I didn't eat anything today until about half an hour ago and I'm still not sure if I'm hungry or full ... I think I had a decent helping of food but I still feel kinda sick and slow but I don't want to overeat. My hunger cues are completely out of whack.
  11. Thanks. I have started seeing a new therapist whom I like so far (haven't been to therapy in a couple years because I just couldn't find someone I clicked with) and a new psychiatrist as well (after a two year break as well.) I just feel really hopeless right now because I had a very bad day yesterday. I went to class for which I was very underprepared though I tried to talk when I had something to add to the conversation, even though I probably sounded like an idiot. After class was over, I saw my advisor in the hallway, panicked and bolted before we could make eye contact because I haven't sent him the chapter plan I was supposed to more than a month ago because I haven't even started working on it. I ran home and cried and felt pathetic and miserable because I can't do anything right ... school is going poorly and my boyfriend won't even talk to me. I took an Ativan before I went to bed so that I'd have a good night's sleep at least but it was pretty disturbed and I woke up midway having the worse panic attack I've had in a week. If not even Ativan will help ward off panic attacks, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I am going to be stuck like this until I die and it sucks because what I'm doing right now barely feels like living.
  12. What your dad said to you is really messed up and also totally untrue. You are deserving of love and affection and the actions of one individual, no matter how hurtful, don't define or limit your ability to love and be loved. It's true that depression makes it hard for us to reach out to people and feeling miserable, insecure and unattractive isn't the best basis for a healthy relationship ... but the right people will try to understand and accept this part of you. And while it feels hard or even impossible, it's not, it does happen for people who suffer from depression.
  13. Today was the first day back in school after spring break and it has been difficult. I pretty much pretended the outside world didn't exist all through breaks and allowed myself to wallow in peace and solitude. Going back has been difficult ... all the work I haven't done and still must do has started tumbling down on me like a pile of bricks and people keep asking me questions, like "When are we going to meet up? Are you coming to xyz event? Is something wrong with you? Why aren't you saying anything?" And it's all too much, I feel ashamed and incompetent and useless and the stress is really messing me up, I just want to disappear, I want to vanish into a place where no one can find me and I don't have to feel this weight anymore. But since that's not an option ... how do I cope? What are some strategies you've developed just to get through the day-to-day? Because it's not ok for me to go to class and then avoid making eye contact with people much less conversation and just run back home so I can hide in bed for the next eight hours. This isn't sustainable. So what do I do? What's worked for you?
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