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Everything posted by FerryJerry

  1. Today I was supposed to go on a boat trip to a remote island and it was a 4hour trip and I hardly slept because my fear of landing on the Island was too much to cope with I worried that there was no cell reception, that the boat just left you there on your own for hours and went off fishing I was scared of the weather I was scared of being alone and having a panic attack and not being able to get help but most of all I feared not getting off the island and not easily being able to get on or off of the boat because of my bad leg and I also feared the weather It kept me awake and the anxiety was so bad that I didn't sleep and I made myself ill through worry, It went right to my tummy Then I got several calls and emails I didn't want that caused me anxiety one of the calls was the boat people cancelled the trip due to bad fog I didn't realise how bad my mental health is and how much I depend on my partner for moral support and because she couldn't come as she gets sea sick I couldn't cope alone I've tried to get therapy but they keep cancelling on me at the last moment and there don't seem to be any private therapists here I've never felt so scared and alone as I have done today, I don't want to go on the Island I just wanted photos closer towards it. I've emailed another fisher boat and asked if they offer a non landing trip because that wouldn't worry me as much If there was people and facilities on the Island I would cope but it's just a 99 hectares island made by a volcano and it's filled with birds, an old abandoned light house, castle and small house but people are allowed to visit the Island I feel stupid for being so worked up over a boat trip Jerry
  2. I keep feeling ill and exhausted and people keep treating me badly and I just don’t want to be in this world anymore, I am struggling to get help Today I went for a walk and got back and was so exhausted, my partner was fed up so was I because the cat did a poop on the carpet again and I refused to help because A: I was in so much agony with my joints that getting up and down was agony and B: I told her if she wants to keep that cat that keeps messing the carpet she’s gonna take care of it. I ended up going to sleep with no dinner because of it, half the time I can’t sleep and end up only getting to sleep after I take drugs and pass out, but that’s my life, I’m not coping any other way i think this is a good as my life is going to get and I just waiting for something in my body to give up so I can leave this messed up world, I don’t believe I was ever meant to be here, I was an accident and I stumbled through life barely making it through. I’m fed up of fighting and all the battles I have ongoing i look across the sea and I see an Island and I wish I could flee there and live on the Island to live out the remainder of my days away from everything Maybe one day I will find my way out people keep saying aww those cats look so happy and I just think I am glad they are happy but I’m never happy and I’ve been searching for happiness since I was a teenager many years ago, all I found was violence, abuse and people screwing me over and every day I am in agony with my joints and I keep having many issues with my stomach and I think to myself when’s it gonna end in order to get better I need exercise but exercise causes me to hurt and feel exhausted for days after, I don’t want to try the experimental operation where they saw my bones in half and recast them as there is no guarantees it will make any improvements according to the doctors, I needed help for my knees when I was a child and no one got me any medical Help so they became twisted and now they hurt me so bad
  3. I didn’t sleep last night so I woke up and had a tummy upset then I got a text message to say look on Facebook and that’s is how I found out dad is engaged to his new girlfriend he has known for less than a year he asked me for mums ring but I said no I am super super pist off, I expect that everyone else got phone calls me just a text to say look ok Facebook Mall I know is that I’ve just a really bad panic attack because of it and feel low
  4. This week has been dire and its left me feeling so darn low My dad texted me and he gave my mum's things when she died years ago and in my text my dad asked for the ring back and it was not even a nice way he did it he said Hey Son know your grandmas vases they are worth £1400 he said that they need repairing and he would swap them for the ring, no reasons or explanations just straight out hey how are you want to swap for your grandmas vases that were my mum's it hurt me to be honest, mum loved her rings she loved her things and all he did when she died was sell everything off and give it away and I am just really really upset and offended, these rings meant a lot to me and they were my grandmas. Today someone nasty got my face book account banned by claiming that my profile is fake when its not and I had two years of game saves and data on that account which also upset me a great deal and I lost my therapist so I got no one to talk to and my new therapy is months away but the nhs cant be trusted to be fully open with as they record everything you say like data miners and store it forever Iv'e had enough of life and being alive and the thought of what happens after I die scares me because I don't believe I am a good person my thoughts tell me that all the time and that I am just fooling everyone. I keep coming across some right nasty abusive people and I just don't want to know people anymore, these cats of mine never treat me like dirt, maybe they some times scratch and bite and trash the house but its not done out of malice and what you see if what you get, that is why I love animals better than I do people because they are not two faced or evil they are pure. I would like to take off across the countryside in to the wilderness and never look back, never go back I can only imagine that my father wants this ring because he is broke like I am broke and he wants an engagement ring for his new girlfriend but in stead of telling me he keeps it from me and I am hurt, I know he has no sentimental value the ring means nothing to him because like all mum's stuff and our stuff growing up he just sold it off or gave it away, he did not even say "Look Son mum's ring means a lot to me, I want to have it because its dear to me" non of that just here's some vases they are worth money look, you can sell em and I will swap the ring for them. When I declined he was like "OK I understand, I will give the vases to your cousins so we can keep them in the family" and he knew very well that those vases mean naff all to him because he tried to sell them for the last year or so and he can't he was told that they need to be restored and being restored costs money and he doesn't have money, neither do I, everything that comes in goes on food and bills and even then isn't enough for a basic life style. I don't care if dad does anything because I won't swap the ring, he cant do anything worse to me then the loss of my kin and mum because I am dead inside and badly broken so much that the thought of my own demise doesn't worry me anymore because if I die then I don't have to suffer anymore. I got dead lines and chores I got to do but I am struggling because I feel in a really bad place right now. I talked to my friends and relatives on facebook and asked no one to tell my dad what I said and some one has gone to dad and told him because he was like "morning I hope you feel better today" I never told I wasn't OK, I only said online" you see my problem here? Deep down I don't feel like my dad gives a dam about me because he keeps saying he will help or do things and then he lets me down time and time again and never does what he says he will do but when he wants something, its a different story and I am just really hurt.
  5. I still have my kitten, I was mislead by the cat people they placed a private advert as a private person and they claimed the cats were in reading and that it was just one kitten then one kitten became one kitten and a mother cat and they said that they where bribing them from Reading to Glasgow and have me an address in Glasgow on the day I got a strange message to say on a flight and that the cats hated being in pet carriers and to wish them luck, then I got a strange message to say that they where in a taxi and 14 hours passed, midnight came and then there was a knock on the door and they had brought the cats here and the first thing they did was run under the bed scared the cats and they stayed there for over a week and I had to put the cat litter by the bed and the food and drink etc when I looked on the pet pack it said that they had a flight from Dubai to Heathrow airport and listed the names and addresses of the people responsible I am angry and hurt, I didn’t sleep last night for crying and panic attack’s and I am going to sue them because they can’t get away with it or they will keep doing it We got in this situation because A) I went to people I thought I could trust for cats, B)my fiancé wanted a third cat and she’s hardly wanted to know it, I am the one babysitting it all the time and it’s bonded to me and I love it but I didn’t think it was a good idea in the first place but I am looking after kitten and focusing on her now. She’s cute and shows a lot of love and affection and is a happy little baby. those cat people have gotten to me so much that I got a book on magic to use on those horrible people in case all else fails. Maybe others can forgive but I can’t forgive everyone, some people hurt me so deeply that I can never forgive or forget i don’t see how they should be bringing feral cats in to the UK i am glad we have kitten she’s cuddled up on my lap and is fast sleep and looks like she’s smiling
  6. Those people who sold me the cats harassed me and harassed me and threatened me and blackmailed me until I gave in and gave them the cats back, they refused to give me my money back, so I didn’t give in, I called the cat protection league and gave them away, the cats attacked our new kitten and they attacked me as they were feral ( a few weeks back I posted because one sent me to hospital) not only did I have to catch them on my own and got badly hurt again I had to watch as they were crying and being carried away I am destroyed and I had to speak to cat protection agency while receiving a flood of abuse from the ex owners and threats and the house got trashed why trying to catch the cats and I cried my eyes out and It hurts me we had the cats for 10 weeks, they were sold to us as tame for £200 each IE £400 and it’s not the money it’s the fact that those cats were happy here but we couldn’t get them to the vet (they wouldn’t go in a pet pack) and we were told that if we didn’t take them they would get the police and the rspca I am conflicted inside and torn apart and deeply hurt and angry and I am going after them in court for breach of contract, misrepresentation and copyright theft as they stole my photos and plastered them all over the internet to advertise their other cats I've had enough of people I have had enough of taking things laying down I am going to bury them in legal proceedings then name and shame them all those cats wanted was to be safe, they didn’t need the vets over a healed cat scratch from where they were play fighting and I feel this rage inside that won’t go away I need your support more then ever as I am broken in to pieces and torn apart and can’t stop crying
  7. I spent ages yesterday doing the chores and then cat sitting and every waking hour I have to cat sit to keep the new kitten safe from the other cats at they hiss and growl at her and at night we have to separate them I said to my partner I didn’t think getting another cat was a good idea, but it so happens I have really taken to the new kitten and love her dearly but what’s difficult is the fact that the older cat won’t even go near her so they won’t eat or drink or use the litter tray in the living room despite the door being closed and no kitten in that room, now good old honey dearest wants to put a litter tray, food and water in the bedroom and obviously the cats come first but it’s gonna smell bad after they poop I am finding it all exhausting and stressful, I crashed out at 11 last night and only just woke up then smashed my head on the door on the way to the bathroom, when I enter the bathroom the cats always are very vocal and try to get under the door as they want to get in to the bathroom for some reason. Last night I kept having nightmares too
  8. I do want to complain but I've got the cat booked in to the vet to check our the scars she has a they where on her when she arrived here. They look like cat scratches but just to be safe I am going to get them looked at Then I will go after the cat people in terms of the ombudsman I hardly slept last night because of the stress but I am sat here and the kittens fast asleep on my lap she's tired herself out from playing all morning If the vet says that the scars were causes by the previous owners then I will take the report to the RSPCA too the cat people lied to me and said the cats were in the UK when they were in Dubai and I think they bulk fly them here and then sell them for several hundred each and I don't believe they are registered looking at it now and I don't think they are paying tax either but I got their uk address now and might issue legal proceedings out of principle
  9. I have endured two days of abuse from the cat adoption people you see I agree that I would keep them updated as part of the adoption agreement and we got a new kitten from elsewhere and the new cats kept hissing and growling so I asked them for advice and they flipped out and said that the cats we adopted are not good with other cats they got more and more nasty and then demanded we give the cats back, when I refused they abused us of animal abuse and threatened to call the RSPCA, and then they started to make fun of our small house and called me names a switch flipped in my head and I just got mad and told them to F off basically things are going to get nasty and I can do nasty but my main concern is for the cats all I did was ask these people for advice and then they went off their rails and they won’t tell me who the manager of the org is and they won’t tell me their UK registered business address. So we might get the rspca or even the police visit if we refuse them entry and I’ve had enough I’ve done nothing, I am enraged for being falsely accused of animal abuse when I love animals more than people and I look after them batter than I do myself. I never have and never would harm a animal because if the cat people I lost sleep, got so stressed that I have severe headaches, panic attacks and can’t sleep and on top of that cats to look after. Come Tuesday I will send them a legal letter to the address on the cat passports and I am going to sue them for libel, harassment and personal injury as their cat attacked me and put me in hospital last month since the cat seems to be feral I will get them under contract law I just don’t need all of this bs or stress in my life and the rspca known for taking away innocent pets and then putting them to sleep I will defend my cats until I take my last breathe
  10. I can’t cope with other people and I can’t cope with my own emotions and my ptsd is ruining everything i am bitter angry and twisted and hate myself and it’s impacting my relationship I can’t cope anymore, the cats are driving me mad and I am sitting here angry really livid they keep trashing the house, they are wild and out of control tonight they tried to trash my stuff by chewing and scratching it, it was safe in a wood bowl and they climbed up and knocked it over and proceeded to chew and scratch my stuff and I asked my partner for help, because everything was falling down and she wouldn’t so I grabbed the pot of cream and threw it on the floor and it hit her tablet and smashed it I wasn’t even aiming for anything i gave her my tablet and tried to set it up, it’s identical but that’s not good enough I've had a bad few weeks and I’ve not slept because of the upset of others mistreating me, it’s like my father he keeps promising to come over and then never does he is too busy running off with his girlfriend and I just don’t want to know anymore i don’t want to be alive anymore because of this growing rage inside, I don’t think I will ever find any peace and I bet you when I die I go somewhere where my soul is tormented forever i don’t have any control over my life and I would like it to be over, I don’t want to be around people anymore I shouldn’t be upset and angry and bitter I can’t handle my feelings, I never used to be this weak and pathetic
  11. She’s defiantly fired, she tried to change my mind but I said sorry no, I requested that she delete all communications she has from me. its difficult but I have principles and I stick to them. I am struggling a lot and getting support isn’t easy but one day I will find some peace I just got to figure out what I want to do with my life and try to make it happen, I see stores of people who live on a bus in the middle of the woods and I wish I could do that, just get away from everybody and everything and live in peace just switch off and look up at the stars at night, away from all of the things that grind me down, from being harassed to the responsibilities that go with day to day life, as children we never knew what lies ahead and what adulthood brings. Those days and the days before school were the happiest days of my life and now I struggle to find any happiness and I am just exhausted. the fees in most counties be it Europe, America the fees for therapy are high and if you got a low income you struggle its like my last bill was several hundred and that’s put me in hardship, it’s going to take me two or three months to recover from that last fee, but what really gets to me is that other people made me this sick and I can’t function very well and it’s me to has to pay to get treatment for things others did to me and I tried to sue them but my lawyer messed it up and now I’ve got to sue my lawyer and I don’t know if I will ever get anywhere. easter this year was waiting until today and raiding the discount section to get Easter treats. I know there are others worse off and I should be great full for what I have. Life doesn’t seem fair. It’s like I took our stray cats in and feed and look after them well and they are happy but the second I go to eat they try to get in my food and keep pestering me for my food even though it’s not good for them because cats can’t have dairy and onions, chilli, garlic and that’s the stuff I eat, it’s not that they are hungry or need food but it gets me down too and as soon as I’ve eaten it I can guarantee they go away and don’t want to know.
  12. I’ve not felt well for a few days now and I fired my therapist because she has been awful lately, she let other people read my messages and then she ignores me so I’ve fired her and also considering reporting her for beaching confidentiality. If I do then it could ruin her career because if patients can’t have confidentiality then it’s a big thing. so yeah no therapist, no money for a new therapist as old one reduced their rates and just not feeling well. I tried to play games but it won’t connect today for some reason, maybe the server is busy i needed more sleep but the cats wanted to sleep on the bed and decided to lay on my legs and they are heavy so I didn’t get back to sleep my dad hardly wants to talk since he got his new girlfriend and I just feel isolated, I tried working on my website for a while, I get traffic and people appreciate the tutorials I make but I write articles on privacy to help others as your average user doesn’t know much about online privacy, most people a quick search reveals a lot about them but if my name goes in to whitepages or people searches nothing ever comes up because I am good with privacy and also there are a lot of bullies out there online and trolls and social media has become like the Wild West where anything seems to go these days, so I write articles.
  13. At 1am last night I get a series of strange emails and text messages from my old therapist claiming to be from her room mate and it said that she went missing and that she was worried and had contacted the police so I contacted the police too, I contacted her work place and then I just didn’t sleep because I care about her as I do with all people I know. i stayed awake until 9am called her work place and they didn’t seem to know anything and then about an hour ago I get a message to say that she’s ok and just got lost. Apparently she didn’t take her phone with her and bag or anything. im glad she’s ok but her phone is her phone she uses for work and therapy. Her friend contacted me by email, text and WhatsApp and I image she holds a lot of people’s confidential and personal information on that phone as that is where we would talk about issues and It really concerns me that other people could read her stuff and use her phone, the friend obviously read her emails etc to get my contact information to contact me in the middle of the night and that worried me and as you can imagine when you have a therapist you have an understanding that what you say is confidential and given that we still talk from time to time about issues I don’t know what to do. i consider her a friend so I don’t want to report my concerns to anybody but at the same time I don’t know what to do in terms of talking to her about this but I am no longer sure if I want to continue talking when I can’t trust confidentiality. I am not sure if I still want her to process my information if anyone can go through her phone like that. what should I do and am I being unreasonable ? Jerry
  14. At 1am last night I get a series of strange emails and text messages from my old therapist claiming to be from her room mate and it said that she went missing and that she was worried and had contacted the police so I contacted the police too, I contacted her work place and then I just didn’t sleep because I care about her as I do with all people I know. i stayed awake until 9am called her work place and they didn’t seem to know anything and then about an hour ago I get a message to say that she’s ok and just got lost. Apparently she didn’t take her phone with her and bag or anything. im glad she’s ok but her phone is her phone she uses for work and therapy. Her friend contacted me by email, text and WhatsApp and I image she holds a lot of people’s confidential and personal information on that phone as that is where we would talk about issues and It really concerns me that other people could read her stuff and use her phone, the friend obviously read her emails etc to get my contact information to contact me in the middle of the night and that worried me and as you can imagine when you have a therapist you have an understanding that what you say is confidential and given that we still talk from time to time about issues I don’t know what to do. i consider her a friend so I don’t want to report my concerns to anybody but at the same time I don’t know what to do in terms of talking to her about this but I am no longer sure if I want to continue talking when I can’t trust confidentiality. I am not sure if I still want her to process my information if anyone can go through her phone like that. what should I do and am I being unreasonable ? Jerry
  15. It was very unfair and I am Injustice the worst part is I tracked the records down the school records and basically the school tried to cover up when my dad threatened to go after them for bullying that took place, my records went missing and in place was a libel letter which was just down right nasty and abusive and accused me and my parents of all sorts of things and he fast claimed that they got social services to visit us, My dad he says that never happened and it was a cover up by the school, I am going to request my personal files from social services and I bet there are not any because my parents are good parents. i am just disgusted when I read that file and it’s left me in a totally wreck and I am having to fight to get my records put right but this having an impact on me, I keep hearing my heart pounding loudly every time I get upset the truth is I was sexually abused as a child, bullied at school and then took out of school and left with no prospects and actions of vile people like the school and this psych they don’t realise what damage and harm they are doing
  16. I agree with you 100% and that is a good point I will put that in my complaint, thank you
  17. I was assessed by a therapist without even seeing or speaking to the psych and they somehow got my school records, medical history and made some nasty comments I mean real nasty victim blaming Apparently all my problems are due to me being emotionally unstable and it couldn't possibly have been my abusers or the bad things that happen, instead she said its due to my perspective and not fitting in to society and apparently they claimed my teachers said I was vicious in nature My school was filled with me being bullied and being kicked and stomped on and beaten in the taxi on the way to school What really gets to me is that she has no qualifications in the uk and she came too all of these conclusions about me without having ever seen me or spoken to me. I need to work out what rights I have under the GDP article 17 my right be forgotten I am livid and I just can't believe how horrible these forensic psychologists can be I am going after the said therapist by putting in a complaint She said that she doubts I will ever get better and says that she doesn't think I want to get better and people like this are in a position of authority, its just messed up and they I am the messed up one when they can't even read or type properly She claimed I was depressed and anxious from age 13 and saw doctors, I didn't see doctors until I was 18 my parents would not take me to the doctors growing up
  18. I keep fighting and getting knocked down and this time the knock was big, I never talked about it because I was taking my abusers to court and my lawyer just made a total mess of it and then ditched me and left me she had a medical report done, a psychological assessment without me even seeing a psych when I instructed them that I wanted a face to face near me but no, then without seeing me the psychologist made a report that was bad for my case and then my lawyer walks away not only have I lost my money I lost my compensation and I am in a bad place emotionally and I am debating leaking the tapes showing my abuse but all I know those tapes are my own personal hell and I can’t watch them without going off the deep end and they make me not want to be alive anymore, my offline support group have been quiet when I told em what happened I live in a crap world where people get away with doing bad things to me and I feel powerless
  19. my stalkers now have unmasked my photography account and started harassing myself and my followers so I just had to delete it with my years of artwork
  20. Thank you for all your kind replies, I am going through a really bad patch
  21. I am agony with my legs and I wake up and I went over drawn by 99p and they froze my wifes bank and would not say why so she couldn't help me out so I ended up traveling to put it right and got super cold and I am in so much pain that not even pain meds are working, on top of that I call dad for moral support and his new girlfriend answers and that was a awkward conversation and I miss my family I go online and I was targeted by campaigners and they kept trying to login to my facebook account so many times that I am locked out and this is ongoing and I just don't want to live anymore, My life is like that scene from back to the future where biff stole the book, altered the time line and caused an alternate universe, except I cant get out of this alternate universe where everything is horrible and I feel the world is crashing down around me Ive had such a bad day that I don't want to go to bed because I felt robbed of today. I looked out of the window on the way in to the bank and saw baby lambs, the first of the season, baby deer with their mum and I just wish I could get lost in the wilderness, maybe I should just take off but its so darn cold and my joins hurt severely maybe I need to go back and see the temp doctor again and see what they can do for the agony I am in, I wish I was on something that made me unable to feel my legs, the pain in them I mean I grew up being bullied, it continued outside of school and even continues now, "I am stalked by nasty people on kiwifarms" I lost my kin, I am stuck in a battle that I can't win and I live in pain and sorrow and the mental health people won't help me I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from causing my own destruction or maybe I am just too far gone, maybe I can't be helped. My mum was right when she said she didn't want me to learn computers at school, she was right to say they are evil things, the internet has ruined my life and I allowed it.
  22. I feel stupid for needing the hospital for a cat attack but the nurse said I did the right thing going to the hospital. My day started off badly I woke up and there was poo everywhere and I was half asleep and trod in it barefoot and it went downhill from there really, I cleaned it up with carpet shampoo and had to keep the cats from licking the foam bubbles, Then I noticed that Mia was covered in poo so I was going to go everywhere, so I gently tried to clean her with a wet wipe and she turned around and sunk her teeth deep in to my wrists and wouldn't let go and then with all of her paws she slashed at my hands and my wrist and I started to bleed and my skin turned a funny color I quickly ran to the sink and washed my hands and wrist and then it hurt like anything but I poured alcohol over my hand and I got dressed and without eating or anything went to A&E and was seen within 5 minutes, the nurses dressed it, gave me some tetanus shots and told me that cat bites and human bites are the worst kinds because the risk of infection was higher and she put me on antibiotics for a week after speaking to my doctor. I never have and never would harm animals, I was wiping her gently and she turned around and attacked me but the kind of person I am I would rather let an animal maul me or harm me than do anything I just sat there until she finished hurting me and let go of me, I didn't shout, I didn't get upset I just took it and took it until it seriously hurt me because I love animals more then I do people and more than I love myself, if it had been a dog or a bear or anything I would have been the same because animals mean the world to me, I would hurt a human if a human attacked me but never an animal. I love gods creatures and I am thankful to God that they are here in the world and I appreciate animals and love them, that's just me. The nurse she said what am I going to do about the cat as if to say am I doing to send her back to the shelter and I said I am not going to do anything, I told her that Mia has had a difficult life, she was abandoned by her owners and she cries if you go out food shopping because I believe she is worried that we will never come home, but that's never going to happen, this is her forever home and I meant that when I said it to the animal charity that she came from and this is the happiest she's been here, her coat is more healthy, shes more sociable now and always walks with her tail up and purrs. I feel low and down and I am worried that it will get infected but I am a bit obsessive about hygiene so I got some tea tree hand wash and some anti-back hand stuff and in about 20 minutes I have to finish cleaning up, clean the poor from the carpets, the shower, the kitchen floor where I stood in it and then I got to use sink unblocker, disinfect everything and then I got to clean the kitty litter as I do that daily and then, and only then can I relax and crash out. life has been pretty horrible lately, I've been ill, then this happened, then I got run down and got tooth issues, skin issues and I had a breakdown yesterday when my partner started raising her voice at me about money worries, then I thought about the loved ones I lost and I just started crying on a park bench, I had gone out yesterday to gather money by selling my things and then I got moaned at about how tight things are, its not my fault. it's not my fault that my partner decided she wanted a new gaming pc and blew £500 on parts and it's left us tight on cash, so I pawned in my iPhone and returned a couple of faulty things and that paid for food shopping and put £25 on each of the gas and electric meters, then I go online last night and people started saying horrible things to me, one guy in the session in the game told me I should go and harm myself, then at 3am the internet went down and we have a faulty line and I just took the maximum dose of pain meds and weed and I ended up getting so high that I fall asleep I am not coping, I am just ticking over, surviving one hour to the next until my psych appointment comes through. I am not happy that my other half wants another cat the third one when I can barely cope with two. Dinner times are traumatic because its a constant issue trying to stop them from eating my dinner, they try to put their tails in it, try to paw it and if you are not looking constantly they will dirty your food and eat it but at least we are on take out tonight. at least when I've done scrubbing the floor and the bathroom shower and the kitty litter I can just throw my feet up and rest my bones. I will stare at the RGB lighting on the pc I build for my other half and listen to music and play a few games because we share it, in the long run, it will save on electricity because when running games it is 150watts instead of the 500-600 watts the old monster of a desktop had, you sacrifice graphics but you don't need great graphics 720p is good enough for what we use I hope I did not come across as sounding like a jerk in this post, that was not my intentions. Jerry
  23. Whenever I wake up I all I see or hear on the news or the radio is death and hate and today I read two more lost their battle with depression and PTSD and society is failing these people just like it fails many people and it hurts me, I know I don't know these people but I care about them. One was someone in a game and the other in the news and I feel like we are living in dark times I sit here in a ton of pain and feel low and tearful, I am battling to sleep ok and I woke up at night and I struggle to get down the road to pick up groceries because my bones are in a lot of pain and when I awoke I was dehydrated, dizzy, had hunger pains and still had to make two trips before I ate but after I paid for my shopping I broke open a bottle of water and depleted it I have things to sell and things that need doing but I am not awake to do them other than looking after the cats which I manage, I need to return faulty things and sell a few things to get the money I need for food, my teeth are rotting and things are getting on top of me, I couldn't function enough to do the math I needed to work out the shopping cost so I ended up standing there for ages with a shopping cart counting, then losing count then miscounting, forgetting and then I just couldn't hand it so I put things back and got less, that is why I had to walk to the shops twice because when I realized I had some change left it would enough to buy more water and doughnuts I feel like I need someone to look after me because I am getting so bad that shopping is difficult.
  24. I wanted to build a new budget gaming rig (pc) and I got all the parts, it took me hours to get them all inside a tiny computer case and I hooked it all up and hit the power button and no sign of life, so I tried pushing all the connectors on firmly and then it came on but the debugger said VGA error and apparently its a common issue with MSI motherboards I've never got on with Amazon because I got a few faulty pc parts from there over the years and I just felt disparity and I felt angry and rage and I don't have a lot of resilience to stress ever since I got PTSD, I spent 8 hours trying to calm down after I took some pain meds and I can't remember if I had too many or if it was just the stress and the effects of the pain meds but I felt zoned out and zonked out, as if I was watching everything happen but I wasn't there and it scared me, I tried to relax tonight but the cats have really irritated me so have people on my game, I built a gaming pc as my laptop is dying and I don't really want another laptop because the new ones you can't swap or upgrade the parts easly anymore and you don't get the preformance on a budget so I wanted to build an Amd Ryzen system, its good enough for gaming, it all fits in a tiny pc case and it doesn't use a lot of electricity; just 150 watts. the cats kept climbing and jumping over everything and knocking everything down and then one of them attacked my hand badly again, one moment she was on my lap having a cuddle the next she bite and scratched my hand and really sank her teeth in and broke the skin so I am feeling battered and run down but I wish I didn't have to deal with anything. I end up having an argument with my partner today, maybe it was my PTSD but she swore she told me that she wanted me to come out grocery shopping but I don't remember that and I was hungry, we had no food and I needed to do at least an hours worth of chores before I could go out and we ended up arguing. Also my dad has found a new lady friend and they are close and she wants to be my facebook friend and I am not comfortable with that but at the time I don't want to seem impolite or anti-social but I've been toying with the idea of leaving Facebook for a while and starting just a profile for games only, so I told all my friends to join my new facebook account and once they have joined I will delete the post and a few other personal ones and I will just post once in a blue moon and accept her request I want my dad to be happy but I do not want to be friends or get to know his new lady friend at least not straight away, I need time I adjust and it's not her fault, she seems like a nice enough person but I loved my mom and I know she's been gone a long while now but I never got to grips with losing her and my brother and I feel cut off and isolated and my dad hardly ever wants to talk anymore since he met his new lady friend, I call him and he has some small talk and then he has to go and says speak later and this continues over and over so I don't call as much anymore, I figure what's the point when he hardly says much anymore and doesn't seem to have much time to talk I am in dire need of a dentist but mentally I can't cope going at the moment but they writing to me and harassing me to go and get treatment, I've explained to them that I have terrible anxiety and I don't cope and need to wait until I get therapy but they don't seem to get it. I am trying to get therapy but A: its slow and B: it's far away to travel the NHS website claimed that we have mental health here at my local hospital but they want to send me to another hospital further away which is pants. I miss how my life used to be when everyone was still alive and I would go places with my family and life was good, I had no ruined my life. That's the thing the thoughts in my head always tell me that everything's my fault, that I am to blame, that I am not good enough, that I ruin everything and that I am no good, I basically hate myself and my memory is poor and I believe it all, I think it's my poor mental health talking and some times I nearly talked myself in to hurting myself and It feels like an ongoing battle every day and I scared, I am truly scared because what if one day I lose and everything I care about and love, I could lose because I wouldn't be here anymore, my wife, my kittens my remaining family, my games, my comforts in life all gone because my negative thoughts I battle with. I mean tonight I got so low that I was looking at news article on ways people passed away and I was looking for ideas for me. I don't want to feel like that anymore, I want to enjoy my life but I feel so helpless, all I ever manage in a day is to wake up, look after the cats, I treat them better than I do myself, then I do what I can around the house, I eat, I go to bed and then I can't sleep and I stay away until I can't stay awake anymore and crash out exhausted and then I wake up and its groundhog day again, maybe I manage to play a game or listen to music but that's my life day in day out.
  25. I have been though a lot of stuff which has been a lot to cope with I was bullied a lot through my life, school was never a happy time and I was abused both mentally and sexually during my teen years and I feel hollow inside I have many battles going on and I am not getting much sleep and there's a storm When I have slept I have nightmares and I have health problems and I worried coz they seem to be getting worse and I am moving less and less The things that people have done to me are horrible and I don't know how to recover I have a therapist appointment coming up very soon but I don't know if it will help, I don't want an end up on medication I wonder if this is as good as my life gets I feel totally exhausted
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