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FerryJerry

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Everything posted by FerryJerry

  1. I am really close to giving up for good and I’ve been trying for years to get help, I called the crisis team, my doctors who decided they wouldn’t offer me an appointment after I said that I have PTSD they decided I was to complicated after speaking to them and they palmed me off on to the crisis team who also palmed me off and I just get passed around like I am somebody else’s problem that nobody wants. My wife is ill, I’m ill and i don’t see a way out of this mess with no support, I don’t think I can be saved in this life or in the next. I can’t afford to pay to get help if I could I would pay someone to do the chores and help prepare food, I would pay for therapy and maybe check myself in somewhere until I feel safe again. All I feel able to say is sit or lay down and wait to feel okay again. I believe I have some kind of mood disorder which makes my mood change rapidly and little things can trigger me i wish there was a way to guarantee that even after I leave this world I would cease to exist because I fear even more suffering. My mind is broken so is my body and I feel I am waiting for something to further break in it so I can leave this place I ruined my life and other people’s and I’ve made no difference in this world.
  2. Today I got banned from YouTube, they didn’t say why but sent me a system generated email and said I broke the community guide lines, I read said guidelines like I’ve done before and I didn’t break any of the rules, I’ve never commented, my videos I am the copyright owner and are of nature and the seaside. I’ve never bullied anyone. I do have a stalker and I am wondering if they could made a bunch of false reports and the YouTube bots auto banned me.so tomorrow I’m gonna call them up and file a complaint. I wouldn’t mind but I’ve not used YouTube for a yeah because I’ve been too ill. If I had been hacked I would have got a text message alert.I feel burnt out and I am not managing to do much, I woke up at 7am my legs start to hurt and my mood goes down hill. It’s not just YouTube that’s treated me unfairly, people on chat started calling me vile names that I don’t care to repeat because they are down right nasty. One person made fun of my weight and said I should eat some doughnuts. I grown to hate people. It just feels like my life is full of negativity and that I am just waiting counting down time till I die. i watched the movie called the joker and before he flipped people kept harming the guy in the movie and then he flipped and hurt them. I can relate to feeling beaten down by people and life.
  3. I want to buy animal crossing for my nintendo switch, I am trying to save up for it. I would also like to buy some custom buttons from china for my game controller
  4. I have been feeling very ill lately and I got a very bad skin infection which makes walking difficult and each time I walk I scream in pain so I am on antibiotics. Ive been playing games like gta to try and pass the time but I think the game is giving me nightmares, people attack me and make fun and they wont stop and it triggers me badly and I shake and feel horrible inside. I am trying to play other games. I am not getting anything done, all I managed today was to help cut the food for dinner. Ive not been sleeping due to the pain. Ive had this skin condition since I was a child on and off and it stopped for some years but its back again and this is my second time I needed antibiotics to treat it. I feel very weak, tired and low and when I take strong pain killers I feel zonked out on them like iv been drugged. I just feel like life doesnt go on hold becuase your suffering. The gas still needs topping up, the pets looking after, money to come in and there are days like today I just want to shut the world out, go to sleep until I feel ok again but I cant, ive put on a lot of weight and started to get pulpitations but I am never awake in time to see a doctor and If I am I feel to ill to get there. I feel like this is the loweest point in my life and I don't know how to find a way to find some peace of mind. I tried spending time in the living room in front of the tv for a change of scenery but that only helps so much. I keep fighting to try and get help from the nhs but I dont get anywhere and my partner is having to fight my battles with the nhs to try and get treatment as I am not well enough to do that. I fear if I continue to go under we could lose the house or I could lose my battle with depression. I have considered trying alternative medicine. I live in a world where If I break my legs or my body they will take me to hospital and help comes fast, but if my mind is broken nobody ever comes.
  5. What really hurt me is what dad said and he said he didn’t have a Christmas this good since my sister died. He didn’t spent the Christmas with us just his my GF and her family what he was implying is that he never had a good Christmas with me I keep crying and feeling really down and low. i think I did set my expectation high for Christmas, we were going to have nice food and watch movies and I feel asleep through the first movie and that was Christmas gone until the evening and dad called and upset me hr was talking about visiting in the new year but I’ve had enough if he comes up I am not going to make an effort because I am done trying at the end of the I have severe mental health issues and I have to live around those my mood can change quickly and my family can and do trigger me and I’ve not got any fight left in me or any defences left my friends make me happy when we play, chat and have friendly banter and I love driving around in my radio controlled tank on the game next week I got to go and sell a few things, get some money and get a few things I need and then I just got to recover and wait for my X-rays to come back and to find out why my mobility is getting worse and what they can do to help if not I got to persevere with lifting weights to try and strength my legs so I don’t struggle to walk I've spent a lot of time in bed due to pain and the longer you spend in bed the weaker your legs can get when I was in hospital I spent a week in bed and I could barely stand up or use the bathroom and it took a while to get back to normal, that was nearly 10 years ago In a way I learn to only do what I can cope with to get by
  6. I woke up early I don’t know what woke me up the day started off okay, I talked to my friends and everything was okay until I did the dishes and then my bad joints started to hurt, I took my medication for the pain and it sent me to sleep I kept being woken up to be nagged at for various things like the keyboard not working, for not helping with food despite explaining how bad the pain was and how exhausted I felt I ended up smashing the pc keyboard. The meat we got from the butchers was not good. then when I was bursting for the bathroom dad called to tell me how great his Christmas was and how he never had a Christmas as good as this with me and my mum after my sister passed away and I just hung up the call after he finished and broke down in to tears and felt suicidal. I've come to the living room to be alone because I can’t cope, I kept kept praying that I could die because my quality of life doesn’t seem good anymore its me who struggles to pay the bills, me who struggles to do the dishes, tidy up and fix the drains and I am just sick and tired, I spent last week at the hospital getting x-rays because I got hip and spine issues, if I run or walk fast I get severe pain and numbness in the base of my spine and I don’t think the outcome is gonna be good and if fear that one day I won’t be able to walk, I can barely walk far these days, I am barely managing to drink enough fluids during the day and don’t feel like eating much anymore. I love our pets but I’m struggling to get up every day and clean and feed them but I do it because I love and care about them. I got to go to the doctors when I can and try and go and sell my phone so I can get some money. Over the festive period someone nasty contacted me over PlayStation messenger and said some very horrible things, over a game and I just seem to meet the worse kind of people playing certain games online the one thing that made me happy today was my friends so many I should be great full for that, we hung out for a few hours in the game and talked, then we got our free RC Tank in the game which is really awesome and then they went offline as it’s late where they are, but talking to them make me happy.
  7. I’ve had enough of Facebook so I think I might leave Facebook. It does get me down a lot
  8. I posted on Facebook that I am struggling badly with my mental health and why and not a sing message or reply or word of encouragement I am struggling because of family issues, because life has got hard and my partner and I are ill. My teeth are falling apart because I feel too mentally ill to do anything about it and I don’t see life getting any better, I try to stay alive and carry on for other people, not for me because I am ready to leave this world, I can’t hurt those I love by leaving them behind. Our cats are getting me down because they keep breaking in to food containers and ruining both our food and theirs and today they did the same to the rabbit food and the kitchen roll and they knocked the trash everywhere and I’ve had enough of our gone looking like a trash heap because they keep acting up and we are both too ill to tidy. They get plenty of food but I can’t sit and eat in peace without them trying to put a paw or a tail in my food and my parter did that Too then by encouraging them to have tip bits. I said no but I am not listened to in our relationship. the time I can cope is if I take my drugs and drown everything out. The only happiness I get now is, eating ice cream and playing games and sleeping, even then it doesn’t always work. last night I was badly triggered and wanted to hurt myself, I ended up screaming and being held until I went to sleep. I’ve been struggling with my bank card and the bank beens super slow and sending me a replacement since there was a transaction I didn’t authorise so they stopped my card and sent me a new one, that was well over a week ago and I can’t gain access to money until it arrives so I am fed up of everything.
  9. The BS with my dad and his GF has continued and I got a moody email form dad and in his own words “I’ve F#%^ed up his relationship the stress it’s caused me has been horrible and I just had enough of people, nobody cares about me or what I want, I try playing my game and I get told to turn it off and then the TVs not in use and I wouldn’t mind I paid for the tv. my sleep is upside down and I all I’ve done is sleep lots for the past week or so I am done trying, I don’t want to know the witch anymore and they can just leave me alone and I am not even going to the wedding, Screw them I am really angry, really hurt and I don’t want this in my life he said that when his gf said they left early for sex, that it was a joke and he accused me of being a liar and I’ve had a enough. he screwed up my education by removing me from school when I was too young and never home schooled me, we kept moving house and it ruined my career opportunities and the authorities did nothing. I don’t want to know anymore so I am letting go of my Facebook account, blocking the numbers, blocking their emails and just going to walk away. Time and time again when I needed him he wasn’t there for me and I’ve had enough.
  10. I’ve been very unwell since the visit and we barely have talked to them (not my choice) I’ve been asleep for 5 days straight and I’ve just had enough. I’ve not managed to do anything other than sleep and basic chores and my depression has worsened. It doesn’t help that it’s been freezing cold here and getting things done in the cold isn’t easy but I’ve made sure we stayed warm and our pets too. I got a bunch of things to get done soon but I lack motivation.
  11. I wasn’t happy at all, she took to Facebook last night and they picked the nearest hotel to their home and posted that they where going there for a night of passion. I am not impressed with how I was treated, neither was my partner so she posted on Facebook and then shortly after I got an email from dad asking me to have a word with my partner and to stop blaming his girlfriend Ive been ignored ever since. When we were getting drinks, in front of everyone she loudly kept talking about dirty deeds done in car parks which I thought was inappropriate. dad pays for everything for her, all she ever talks about is her other family and how they want to move closer to them (further away from me) and because of my mental health I struggled to be that far away on my own but my partner has anaemia so wasn’t up to travelling, the only company I had was my dad and his partner and they ditched me as quick as they could. I had a word with dad about how she was treating / talking to me but he just defended her. I guess love is blind, well I don’t think she loves him. There is no way I am going to the wedding, even if I did it would be her family that took part in the wedding not us. I don’t really want drama anymore. The journey back last night was a nightmare with delays and issues and I got back in 8pm at night having left early morning and my shoulders hurt bad from carrying luggage and arthritis so I took some medicine, put Leon on my tv and fell asleep. I gave my pets and partner a cuddle first and the cats were really happy to see me so was my partner. never again and I am travelling across country to see them, they can travel up in the car. I am sorry this happened to you, family can be horrible, I used to sit there and my family would criticise me and my life and how I made nothing of it, they had no appreciation or understanding about mental health or how I struggled, at night I couldn’t function for my poor mental health. Some times I would storm out and go for a walk when I was being criticised for my lack of success in life. I would walk around the lakes, see the birds and swans and the wildlife and just drown it all out.
  12. I went on a 7 hour (each way) trip to see my dad and his new girlfriend and we agreed a meeting place that was close to them and we were going to spend the day together and evening and my dads girlfriend got the hump when we couldn’t find a coffee shop or any shops for her to look around so she got angry, worked off and then they left so I spent £250 on hotel and travel and that’s how they treat me. If there isn’t something in it for my dads new partner then they just don’t wanna know. this is the second and final time I am letting this happen. Last night I was in my hotel and had to eat alone and I was fell asleep and woke up having panic attacks and then didn’t get much sleep. when I put a photo of my dinner and desert I got a message on Facebook calling me a pig. I am really angry so I got up at the crack of dawn, I ate a light breakfast, packed, went to the store and got food and drink for the long journey back and I jumped on the first train out of there i got about another 5 hours ahead of me travel but I am just desperate to get home to my partner and our cats I am not ever making an effort to come down again, for the money I could have gone on holiday with my partner, the only silver lining was the restaurant and peaceful hotel and getting to chat to my partner on facebook messenger video chat do you think I am unreasonable being so upset about how I was treated? my partner is livid at my dads partner and my dad.
  13. I feel the same, if I had enough money I would buy a little place that is very remote and stay there ive seen places for sale that are so remote that you get snowed in during winter and no one for many miles
  14. I think my depression might be linked to coeliac as the doctors think I have that now, IV got to wait for test results and I feel very ill when o eat wheat so to cut a long story short a few people fed me wheat and I became very ill and had very low mood and no energy. Then today I found out that’s something bad happened to my friend, she had her drink spiked and it didn’t end well, I told her she should go to the police and hearing what happened made me cry I am losing faith in humanity and I don’t like life much anymore. I am on an 8 hour trip down to see my family in a weeks time but I don’t know why I am bothering because my family have been real jerks lately but it’s booked and paid for so I would just lose the money i am staying down there so I guess I can treat it as a holiday since I am only seeing them one day and can spend the day next alone maybe some day I will take off somewhere remote and live on my own away from people, I can count the people I trust on two fingers and my trust isn’t won easily these days i put in a complaint to Asda because they told me some of the gluten food was gluten free, but they didn’t seem to care.
  15. I am more and more pain each day so I take strong pain meds and they help my pain and mood but I don't like to live on them and I need to see my dotor because the pain is getting worse as is my mental health but nobody will help, my partner spends all day in bed asleep and I can't look after myself I am dehydrated a lot of the time, I in pain both mentally and also my bad legs and I don't have any will left to live and I have considered saving money to travel somewhere where the doctors could assit me in dying because I could convince them that I am suffering a lot because I am my fiance doesnt want me to go to hospital but she doens't help and its not her fault because she struggles too in the end I am probably going to get worse because I can't be very active and even being hungry triggers me but I am too depressed to make food or to look after myself, In a desprate bid to try and cope I have taken up a new hobby I ordered the cheap parts which will come this week or next week I have decided to take up magnet fishing because its something to do and I can sit on the bridge with a folding chair I got my hopes up this morning when my partner said lets go for a walk and get food at the food van and then she took it back and went to sleep so I have sat here online ever since in this chair in agony and hungry, I really need a carer but I can't afford one and I feel like I am a burden and I have lost my will power. I am super angry at my dad because he keeps promising to do things to help but then he lets me down time and time again until I get fed up and disappointed, his life revolves around his new girlfriend and the only reason they are coming to visit is because she wants to see the area as she never has been and I doubt they will spend much time here the mental health team wont help me because they cant be bothered to even do an assesment they want to try and get my old records and were very dismissive and would not listen to me and I have had enough of this world and society becuase I don't fit in so other people treat me badly because I am autistic, the only thing I have going for me is my cats and rabbits and I am struggling to give them a good life in terms of giving them the attention they need because I can not move very much because its difficult to walk and move now I don't want to be a burden anynore and I don't want to deal with other people
  16. I keep getting triggered and have no strength left in me every night is plagued by ptsd nightmares.. when I wake up I am bitter and angry, I came in to a little money from compensation and I spent some of it on a tv and The bright led lights at the back keep hurting my eyes when you go to plug a cable in, putting the stand together was a nightmare and I think the screen size and the hdr image hurts my eyes and gives me eye strain but there’s not a lot I can do about that now. I passed out this morning from having too much sedatives and I awoke and it was night time and my parter didn’t get any shopping so I was forced to go to Asda on my own We now have a cat flea infestation and I don’t know how to get rid of it, I have tried the vets, I’ve tried every flea treatment, one claimed to keep fleas away for weeks and it didn’t last a day and I am being bitten daily and I’ve even resorted trying home remedies and nothing works but my partner won’t let me spray the house in gaining weight and my teeth are rotting and I don’t have much will to live anymore i believe my partner would be better if without me because I’m broken and I’ve got nothing going for me because of that woman half the town talks about me behind my back I've thought about deleting Facebook and YouTube and starting again but without the Facebook account because I’ve gone off Facebook
  17. I'm glad that they are I been through hell since it happened and it's impacted by mental health badly so I'm glad there is justice
  18. I cant say much but the police have now done something so I am happy that I shouldn't be harassed anymore
  19. I decided to email one last night and hopefully they will call me back
  20. I have and the new messages too and I don't think they will do anything as they didn't the first time I reported her
  21. I moved to a new town everything was going good until I uploaded a video of the local air ambulance to YouTube of The helicopter taking off, a lady took Offence and started harassing me and things just got worse i asked her to stop badgering and harassing me and she did the opposite she started making false accusations against me and I started to receive threats against my pets, one of her friends posted my home address and days later someone came in to my garden and took my rabbits and let them loose a few blocks away, I’ve had to install locks on the hutch and install cctv they threatened to boil my rabbits and threatened me with knifes, the police won’t do anything, they say because they don’t name me, there is nothing they can do Its got to me so much that I had migraines with migraine aura, I started cracking up at the super market. This lady even went to the police and said I posted about her on Facebook, which was untrue and the police cane straight around to my house and harassed me and I’ve had enough i did nothing to this woman other than ask her to stop harassing me and I’ve had no peace since, I’ve been getting a ton of requests from her to access my files on google drive and she posted a hateful message, I’ve got to live here, she’s storing things up and I don’t know what to do I've spent all day in the garden, hurting my knees, securing the rabbit hutches to prevent anyone from getting in and I did this in the rain, I live my life here or at least I did until this happened, if I pursue a legal case against her I fear it will fuel the fire but if I don’t then when will this stop it’s been going on for a week or so some of her friends threatened to put me in the sea with a brick around my leg and other vile messages
  22. I’ve just felt very ill since and keep having really bad days but I’m going to find a few one somehow.
  23. I have felt hopeless and low since my first psych appointment since we moved, she had no interest in me as a patient or doing any work, she was me for 20mins and most of the 20 mins was badgering me for consent to get access to my old medical records, I tried to tell her that there were issues with confidentiality and she just ignored that and said we will meet again once she gets my old medical records. She was very cold and I don't have many hopes that I will get treatment, my partner wants to put in a complaint and I agreed became yesterday I was physically ill when I was out, I think it was the stress of the appointment. I recorded the appointment on my phone so I let my partner listen to the recording. I feel so low end depleted that I'm not sleeping at night and today not helping because I am waiting for parcels and I don't think they are going to arrive. I got up early waited in and that means the same is going to have to happen tomorrow which suck, I have chores to do and don't feel up to doing them, I barely look after myself anymore and I'm fed up of being alive I can barely walk properly, sitting and standing is really painful and taking pain meds for them makes me high because they are opiate-based so when I take them you feel high and you can walk for a while but I don't think they help my tummy. Maybe I will do something today, like go to the beach and just rest
  24. This month has been hell and I cant cope, I was attacked by seagulls and then I got very ill and then the bank caused my card to be blocked for a week they said it was a system glitch so bad that the IT department had to investigate, hut I dont believe them. I had to borrow money just to eat. Then it got me down so much that my gums became infected and I had the dentist two days in a row one tooth removal and the other a root canal and my gums still hurt. I tried to rest and recover and my partners just been s real jerk, I waited around for ages and then she kept messing me around and then when I couldn't cope she just kept piling things on me to do, her cat pooped all over the place again including me Things are getting on top of me and I cant cope, I've thought about leaving my partner but I couldn't look after myself so i am considering suicide because I cant bare the thought or having more difficult times and then I can escape these cats, the aggravation from my partner and the fact that my health has gone downhill I was so bad last night that I felt close to fainting and I was exhausted from two days straight in the dentist and then the legal battle with my doctor and I felt so ill and took painkillers and then crashes out as I was burnt out and went to sleep and slept through dinner and everything I dont want the responsibilities I have anymore and lifes becoming too difficult to bare and I've had enough of my life. We got cats and then my partner got another one that doesn't seem properly litter trained and poohs all over everything and crys loudly as she does it and we paid a lot of money to make this place nice and they keep messing it up badly and I cant cope with everything that's going on Jerry
  25. Today I was supposed to go on a boat trip to a remote island and it was a 4hour trip and I hardly slept because my fear of landing on the Island was too much to cope with I worried that there was no cell reception, that the boat just left you there on your own for hours and went off fishing I was scared of the weather I was scared of being alone and having a panic attack and not being able to get help but most of all I feared not getting off the island and not easily being able to get on or off of the boat because of my bad leg and I also feared the weather It kept me awake and the anxiety was so bad that I didn't sleep and I made myself ill through worry, It went right to my tummy Then I got several calls and emails I didn't want that caused me anxiety one of the calls was the boat people cancelled the trip due to bad fog I didn't realise how bad my mental health is and how much I depend on my partner for moral support and because she couldn't come as she gets sea sick I couldn't cope alone I've tried to get therapy but they keep cancelling on me at the last moment and there don't seem to be any private therapists here I've never felt so scared and alone as I have done today, I don't want to go on the Island I just wanted photos closer towards it. I've emailed another fisher boat and asked if they offer a non landing trip because that wouldn't worry me as much If there was people and facilities on the Island I would cope but it's just a 99 hectares island made by a volcano and it's filled with birds, an old abandoned light house, castle and small house but people are allowed to visit the Island I feel stupid for being so worked up over a boat trip Jerry
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