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Everything posted by FerryJerry

  1. I am more and more pain each day so I take strong pain meds and they help my pain and mood but I don't like to live on them and I need to see my dotor because the pain is getting worse as is my mental health but nobody will help, my partner spends all day in bed asleep and I can't look after myself I am dehydrated a lot of the time, I in pain both mentally and also my bad legs and I don't have any will left to live and I have considered saving money to travel somewhere where the doctors could assit me in dying because I could convince them that I am suffering a lot because I am my fiance doesnt want me to go to hospital but she doens't help and its not her fault because she struggles too in the end I am probably going to get worse because I can't be very active and even being hungry triggers me but I am too depressed to make food or to look after myself, In a desprate bid to try and cope I have taken up a new hobby I ordered the cheap parts which will come this week or next week I have decided to take up magnet fishing because its something to do and I can sit on the bridge with a folding chair I got my hopes up this morning when my partner said lets go for a walk and get food at the food van and then she took it back and went to sleep so I have sat here online ever since in this chair in agony and hungry, I really need a carer but I can't afford one and I feel like I am a burden and I have lost my will power. I am super angry at my dad because he keeps promising to do things to help but then he lets me down time and time again until I get fed up and disappointed, his life revolves around his new girlfriend and the only reason they are coming to visit is because she wants to see the area as she never has been and I doubt they will spend much time here the mental health team wont help me because they cant be bothered to even do an assesment they want to try and get my old records and were very dismissive and would not listen to me and I have had enough of this world and society becuase I don't fit in so other people treat me badly because I am autistic, the only thing I have going for me is my cats and rabbits and I am struggling to give them a good life in terms of giving them the attention they need because I can not move very much because its difficult to walk and move now I don't want to be a burden anynore and I don't want to deal with other people
  2. I keep getting triggered and have no strength left in me every night is plagued by ptsd nightmares.. when I wake up I am bitter and angry, I came in to a little money from compensation and I spent some of it on a tv and The bright led lights at the back keep hurting my eyes when you go to plug a cable in, putting the stand together was a nightmare and I think the screen size and the hdr image hurts my eyes and gives me eye strain but there’s not a lot I can do about that now. I passed out this morning from having too much sedatives and I awoke and it was night time and my parter didn’t get any shopping so I was forced to go to Asda on my own We now have a cat flea infestation and I don’t know how to get rid of it, I have tried the vets, I’ve tried every flea treatment, one claimed to keep fleas away for weeks and it didn’t last a day and I am being bitten daily and I’ve even resorted trying home remedies and nothing works but my partner won’t let me spray the house in gaining weight and my teeth are rotting and I don’t have much will to live anymore i believe my partner would be better if without me because I’m broken and I’ve got nothing going for me because of that woman half the town talks about me behind my back I've thought about deleting Facebook and YouTube and starting again but without the Facebook account because I’ve gone off Facebook
  3. I'm glad that they are I been through hell since it happened and it's impacted by mental health badly so I'm glad there is justice
  4. I cant say much but the police have now done something so I am happy that I shouldn't be harassed anymore
  5. I decided to email one last night and hopefully they will call me back
  6. I have and the new messages too and I don't think they will do anything as they didn't the first time I reported her
  7. I moved to a new town everything was going good until I uploaded a video of the local air ambulance to YouTube of The helicopter taking off, a lady took Offence and started harassing me and things just got worse i asked her to stop badgering and harassing me and she did the opposite she started making false accusations against me and I started to receive threats against my pets, one of her friends posted my home address and days later someone came in to my garden and took my rabbits and let them loose a few blocks away, I’ve had to install locks on the hutch and install cctv they threatened to boil my rabbits and threatened me with knifes, the police won’t do anything, they say because they don’t name me, there is nothing they can do Its got to me so much that I had migraines with migraine aura, I started cracking up at the super market. This lady even went to the police and said I posted about her on Facebook, which was untrue and the police cane straight around to my house and harassed me and I’ve had enough i did nothing to this woman other than ask her to stop harassing me and I’ve had no peace since, I’ve been getting a ton of requests from her to access my files on google drive and she posted a hateful message, I’ve got to live here, she’s storing things up and I don’t know what to do I've spent all day in the garden, hurting my knees, securing the rabbit hutches to prevent anyone from getting in and I did this in the rain, I live my life here or at least I did until this happened, if I pursue a legal case against her I fear it will fuel the fire but if I don’t then when will this stop it’s been going on for a week or so some of her friends threatened to put me in the sea with a brick around my leg and other vile messages
  8. I’ve just felt very ill since and keep having really bad days but I’m going to find a few one somehow.
  9. I have felt hopeless and low since my first psych appointment since we moved, she had no interest in me as a patient or doing any work, she was me for 20mins and most of the 20 mins was badgering me for consent to get access to my old medical records, I tried to tell her that there were issues with confidentiality and she just ignored that and said we will meet again once she gets my old medical records. She was very cold and I don't have many hopes that I will get treatment, my partner wants to put in a complaint and I agreed became yesterday I was physically ill when I was out, I think it was the stress of the appointment. I recorded the appointment on my phone so I let my partner listen to the recording. I feel so low end depleted that I'm not sleeping at night and today not helping because I am waiting for parcels and I don't think they are going to arrive. I got up early waited in and that means the same is going to have to happen tomorrow which suck, I have chores to do and don't feel up to doing them, I barely look after myself anymore and I'm fed up of being alive I can barely walk properly, sitting and standing is really painful and taking pain meds for them makes me high because they are opiate-based so when I take them you feel high and you can walk for a while but I don't think they help my tummy. Maybe I will do something today, like go to the beach and just rest
  10. This month has been hell and I cant cope, I was attacked by seagulls and then I got very ill and then the bank caused my card to be blocked for a week they said it was a system glitch so bad that the IT department had to investigate, hut I dont believe them. I had to borrow money just to eat. Then it got me down so much that my gums became infected and I had the dentist two days in a row one tooth removal and the other a root canal and my gums still hurt. I tried to rest and recover and my partners just been s real jerk, I waited around for ages and then she kept messing me around and then when I couldn't cope she just kept piling things on me to do, her cat pooped all over the place again including me Things are getting on top of me and I cant cope, I've thought about leaving my partner but I couldn't look after myself so i am considering suicide because I cant bare the thought or having more difficult times and then I can escape these cats, the aggravation from my partner and the fact that my health has gone downhill I was so bad last night that I felt close to fainting and I was exhausted from two days straight in the dentist and then the legal battle with my doctor and I felt so ill and took painkillers and then crashes out as I was burnt out and went to sleep and slept through dinner and everything I dont want the responsibilities I have anymore and lifes becoming too difficult to bare and I've had enough of my life. We got cats and then my partner got another one that doesn't seem properly litter trained and poohs all over everything and crys loudly as she does it and we paid a lot of money to make this place nice and they keep messing it up badly and I cant cope with everything that's going on Jerry
  11. Today I was supposed to go on a boat trip to a remote island and it was a 4hour trip and I hardly slept because my fear of landing on the Island was too much to cope with I worried that there was no cell reception, that the boat just left you there on your own for hours and went off fishing I was scared of the weather I was scared of being alone and having a panic attack and not being able to get help but most of all I feared not getting off the island and not easily being able to get on or off of the boat because of my bad leg and I also feared the weather It kept me awake and the anxiety was so bad that I didn't sleep and I made myself ill through worry, It went right to my tummy Then I got several calls and emails I didn't want that caused me anxiety one of the calls was the boat people cancelled the trip due to bad fog I didn't realise how bad my mental health is and how much I depend on my partner for moral support and because she couldn't come as she gets sea sick I couldn't cope alone I've tried to get therapy but they keep cancelling on me at the last moment and there don't seem to be any private therapists here I've never felt so scared and alone as I have done today, I don't want to go on the Island I just wanted photos closer towards it. I've emailed another fisher boat and asked if they offer a non landing trip because that wouldn't worry me as much If there was people and facilities on the Island I would cope but it's just a 99 hectares island made by a volcano and it's filled with birds, an old abandoned light house, castle and small house but people are allowed to visit the Island I feel stupid for being so worked up over a boat trip Jerry
  12. I keep feeling ill and exhausted and people keep treating me badly and I just don’t want to be in this world anymore, I am struggling to get help Today I went for a walk and got back and was so exhausted, my partner was fed up so was I because the cat did a poop on the carpet again and I refused to help because A: I was in so much agony with my joints that getting up and down was agony and B: I told her if she wants to keep that cat that keeps messing the carpet she’s gonna take care of it. I ended up going to sleep with no dinner because of it, half the time I can’t sleep and end up only getting to sleep after I take drugs and pass out, but that’s my life, I’m not coping any other way i think this is a good as my life is going to get and I just waiting for something in my body to give up so I can leave this messed up world, I don’t believe I was ever meant to be here, I was an accident and I stumbled through life barely making it through. I’m fed up of fighting and all the battles I have ongoing i look across the sea and I see an Island and I wish I could flee there and live on the Island to live out the remainder of my days away from everything Maybe one day I will find my way out people keep saying aww those cats look so happy and I just think I am glad they are happy but I’m never happy and I’ve been searching for happiness since I was a teenager many years ago, all I found was violence, abuse and people screwing me over and every day I am in agony with my joints and I keep having many issues with my stomach and I think to myself when’s it gonna end in order to get better I need exercise but exercise causes me to hurt and feel exhausted for days after, I don’t want to try the experimental operation where they saw my bones in half and recast them as there is no guarantees it will make any improvements according to the doctors, I needed help for my knees when I was a child and no one got me any medical Help so they became twisted and now they hurt me so bad
  13. I didn’t sleep last night so I woke up and had a tummy upset then I got a text message to say look on Facebook and that’s is how I found out dad is engaged to his new girlfriend he has known for less than a year he asked me for mums ring but I said no I am super super pist off, I expect that everyone else got phone calls me just a text to say look ok Facebook Mall I know is that I’ve just a really bad panic attack because of it and feel low
  14. This week has been dire and its left me feeling so darn low My dad texted me and he gave my mum's things when she died years ago and in my text my dad asked for the ring back and it was not even a nice way he did it he said Hey Son know your grandmas vases they are worth £1400 he said that they need repairing and he would swap them for the ring, no reasons or explanations just straight out hey how are you want to swap for your grandmas vases that were my mum's it hurt me to be honest, mum loved her rings she loved her things and all he did when she died was sell everything off and give it away and I am just really really upset and offended, these rings meant a lot to me and they were my grandmas. Today someone nasty got my face book account banned by claiming that my profile is fake when its not and I had two years of game saves and data on that account which also upset me a great deal and I lost my therapist so I got no one to talk to and my new therapy is months away but the nhs cant be trusted to be fully open with as they record everything you say like data miners and store it forever Iv'e had enough of life and being alive and the thought of what happens after I die scares me because I don't believe I am a good person my thoughts tell me that all the time and that I am just fooling everyone. I keep coming across some right nasty abusive people and I just don't want to know people anymore, these cats of mine never treat me like dirt, maybe they some times scratch and bite and trash the house but its not done out of malice and what you see if what you get, that is why I love animals better than I do people because they are not two faced or evil they are pure. I would like to take off across the countryside in to the wilderness and never look back, never go back I can only imagine that my father wants this ring because he is broke like I am broke and he wants an engagement ring for his new girlfriend but in stead of telling me he keeps it from me and I am hurt, I know he has no sentimental value the ring means nothing to him because like all mum's stuff and our stuff growing up he just sold it off or gave it away, he did not even say "Look Son mum's ring means a lot to me, I want to have it because its dear to me" non of that just here's some vases they are worth money look, you can sell em and I will swap the ring for them. When I declined he was like "OK I understand, I will give the vases to your cousins so we can keep them in the family" and he knew very well that those vases mean naff all to him because he tried to sell them for the last year or so and he can't he was told that they need to be restored and being restored costs money and he doesn't have money, neither do I, everything that comes in goes on food and bills and even then isn't enough for a basic life style. I don't care if dad does anything because I won't swap the ring, he cant do anything worse to me then the loss of my kin and mum because I am dead inside and badly broken so much that the thought of my own demise doesn't worry me anymore because if I die then I don't have to suffer anymore. I got dead lines and chores I got to do but I am struggling because I feel in a really bad place right now. I talked to my friends and relatives on facebook and asked no one to tell my dad what I said and some one has gone to dad and told him because he was like "morning I hope you feel better today" I never told I wasn't OK, I only said online" you see my problem here? Deep down I don't feel like my dad gives a dam about me because he keeps saying he will help or do things and then he lets me down time and time again and never does what he says he will do but when he wants something, its a different story and I am just really hurt.
  15. I still have my kitten, I was mislead by the cat people they placed a private advert as a private person and they claimed the cats were in reading and that it was just one kitten then one kitten became one kitten and a mother cat and they said that they where bribing them from Reading to Glasgow and have me an address in Glasgow on the day I got a strange message to say on a flight and that the cats hated being in pet carriers and to wish them luck, then I got a strange message to say that they where in a taxi and 14 hours passed, midnight came and then there was a knock on the door and they had brought the cats here and the first thing they did was run under the bed scared the cats and they stayed there for over a week and I had to put the cat litter by the bed and the food and drink etc when I looked on the pet pack it said that they had a flight from Dubai to Heathrow airport and listed the names and addresses of the people responsible I am angry and hurt, I didn’t sleep last night for crying and panic attack’s and I am going to sue them because they can’t get away with it or they will keep doing it We got in this situation because A) I went to people I thought I could trust for cats, B)my fiancé wanted a third cat and she’s hardly wanted to know it, I am the one babysitting it all the time and it’s bonded to me and I love it but I didn’t think it was a good idea in the first place but I am looking after kitten and focusing on her now. She’s cute and shows a lot of love and affection and is a happy little baby. those cat people have gotten to me so much that I got a book on magic to use on those horrible people in case all else fails. Maybe others can forgive but I can’t forgive everyone, some people hurt me so deeply that I can never forgive or forget i don’t see how they should be bringing feral cats in to the UK i am glad we have kitten she’s cuddled up on my lap and is fast sleep and looks like she’s smiling
  16. Those people who sold me the cats harassed me and harassed me and threatened me and blackmailed me until I gave in and gave them the cats back, they refused to give me my money back, so I didn’t give in, I called the cat protection league and gave them away, the cats attacked our new kitten and they attacked me as they were feral ( a few weeks back I posted because one sent me to hospital) not only did I have to catch them on my own and got badly hurt again I had to watch as they were crying and being carried away I am destroyed and I had to speak to cat protection agency while receiving a flood of abuse from the ex owners and threats and the house got trashed why trying to catch the cats and I cried my eyes out and It hurts me we had the cats for 10 weeks, they were sold to us as tame for £200 each IE £400 and it’s not the money it’s the fact that those cats were happy here but we couldn’t get them to the vet (they wouldn’t go in a pet pack) and we were told that if we didn’t take them they would get the police and the rspca I am conflicted inside and torn apart and deeply hurt and angry and I am going after them in court for breach of contract, misrepresentation and copyright theft as they stole my photos and plastered them all over the internet to advertise their other cats I've had enough of people I have had enough of taking things laying down I am going to bury them in legal proceedings then name and shame them all those cats wanted was to be safe, they didn’t need the vets over a healed cat scratch from where they were play fighting and I feel this rage inside that won’t go away I need your support more then ever as I am broken in to pieces and torn apart and can’t stop crying
  17. I spent ages yesterday doing the chores and then cat sitting and every waking hour I have to cat sit to keep the new kitten safe from the other cats at they hiss and growl at her and at night we have to separate them I said to my partner I didn’t think getting another cat was a good idea, but it so happens I have really taken to the new kitten and love her dearly but what’s difficult is the fact that the older cat won’t even go near her so they won’t eat or drink or use the litter tray in the living room despite the door being closed and no kitten in that room, now good old honey dearest wants to put a litter tray, food and water in the bedroom and obviously the cats come first but it’s gonna smell bad after they poop I am finding it all exhausting and stressful, I crashed out at 11 last night and only just woke up then smashed my head on the door on the way to the bathroom, when I enter the bathroom the cats always are very vocal and try to get under the door as they want to get in to the bathroom for some reason. Last night I kept having nightmares too
  18. I do want to complain but I've got the cat booked in to the vet to check our the scars she has a they where on her when she arrived here. They look like cat scratches but just to be safe I am going to get them looked at Then I will go after the cat people in terms of the ombudsman I hardly slept last night because of the stress but I am sat here and the kittens fast asleep on my lap she's tired herself out from playing all morning If the vet says that the scars were causes by the previous owners then I will take the report to the RSPCA too the cat people lied to me and said the cats were in the UK when they were in Dubai and I think they bulk fly them here and then sell them for several hundred each and I don't believe they are registered looking at it now and I don't think they are paying tax either but I got their uk address now and might issue legal proceedings out of principle
  19. I have endured two days of abuse from the cat adoption people you see I agree that I would keep them updated as part of the adoption agreement and we got a new kitten from elsewhere and the new cats kept hissing and growling so I asked them for advice and they flipped out and said that the cats we adopted are not good with other cats they got more and more nasty and then demanded we give the cats back, when I refused they abused us of animal abuse and threatened to call the RSPCA, and then they started to make fun of our small house and called me names a switch flipped in my head and I just got mad and told them to F off basically things are going to get nasty and I can do nasty but my main concern is for the cats all I did was ask these people for advice and then they went off their rails and they won’t tell me who the manager of the org is and they won’t tell me their UK registered business address. So we might get the rspca or even the police visit if we refuse them entry and I’ve had enough I’ve done nothing, I am enraged for being falsely accused of animal abuse when I love animals more than people and I look after them batter than I do myself. I never have and never would harm a animal because if the cat people I lost sleep, got so stressed that I have severe headaches, panic attacks and can’t sleep and on top of that cats to look after. Come Tuesday I will send them a legal letter to the address on the cat passports and I am going to sue them for libel, harassment and personal injury as their cat attacked me and put me in hospital last month since the cat seems to be feral I will get them under contract law I just don’t need all of this bs or stress in my life and the rspca known for taking away innocent pets and then putting them to sleep I will defend my cats until I take my last breathe
  20. I can’t cope with other people and I can’t cope with my own emotions and my ptsd is ruining everything i am bitter angry and twisted and hate myself and it’s impacting my relationship I can’t cope anymore, the cats are driving me mad and I am sitting here angry really livid they keep trashing the house, they are wild and out of control tonight they tried to trash my stuff by chewing and scratching it, it was safe in a wood bowl and they climbed up and knocked it over and proceeded to chew and scratch my stuff and I asked my partner for help, because everything was falling down and she wouldn’t so I grabbed the pot of cream and threw it on the floor and it hit her tablet and smashed it I wasn’t even aiming for anything i gave her my tablet and tried to set it up, it’s identical but that’s not good enough I've had a bad few weeks and I’ve not slept because of the upset of others mistreating me, it’s like my father he keeps promising to come over and then never does he is too busy running off with his girlfriend and I just don’t want to know anymore i don’t want to be alive anymore because of this growing rage inside, I don’t think I will ever find any peace and I bet you when I die I go somewhere where my soul is tormented forever i don’t have any control over my life and I would like it to be over, I don’t want to be around people anymore I shouldn’t be upset and angry and bitter I can’t handle my feelings, I never used to be this weak and pathetic
  21. She’s defiantly fired, she tried to change my mind but I said sorry no, I requested that she delete all communications she has from me. its difficult but I have principles and I stick to them. I am struggling a lot and getting support isn’t easy but one day I will find some peace I just got to figure out what I want to do with my life and try to make it happen, I see stores of people who live on a bus in the middle of the woods and I wish I could do that, just get away from everybody and everything and live in peace just switch off and look up at the stars at night, away from all of the things that grind me down, from being harassed to the responsibilities that go with day to day life, as children we never knew what lies ahead and what adulthood brings. Those days and the days before school were the happiest days of my life and now I struggle to find any happiness and I am just exhausted. the fees in most counties be it Europe, America the fees for therapy are high and if you got a low income you struggle its like my last bill was several hundred and that’s put me in hardship, it’s going to take me two or three months to recover from that last fee, but what really gets to me is that other people made me this sick and I can’t function very well and it’s me to has to pay to get treatment for things others did to me and I tried to sue them but my lawyer messed it up and now I’ve got to sue my lawyer and I don’t know if I will ever get anywhere. easter this year was waiting until today and raiding the discount section to get Easter treats. I know there are others worse off and I should be great full for what I have. Life doesn’t seem fair. It’s like I took our stray cats in and feed and look after them well and they are happy but the second I go to eat they try to get in my food and keep pestering me for my food even though it’s not good for them because cats can’t have dairy and onions, chilli, garlic and that’s the stuff I eat, it’s not that they are hungry or need food but it gets me down too and as soon as I’ve eaten it I can guarantee they go away and don’t want to know.
  22. I’ve not felt well for a few days now and I fired my therapist because she has been awful lately, she let other people read my messages and then she ignores me so I’ve fired her and also considering reporting her for beaching confidentiality. If I do then it could ruin her career because if patients can’t have confidentiality then it’s a big thing. so yeah no therapist, no money for a new therapist as old one reduced their rates and just not feeling well. I tried to play games but it won’t connect today for some reason, maybe the server is busy i needed more sleep but the cats wanted to sleep on the bed and decided to lay on my legs and they are heavy so I didn’t get back to sleep my dad hardly wants to talk since he got his new girlfriend and I just feel isolated, I tried working on my website for a while, I get traffic and people appreciate the tutorials I make but I write articles on privacy to help others as your average user doesn’t know much about online privacy, most people a quick search reveals a lot about them but if my name goes in to whitepages or people searches nothing ever comes up because I am good with privacy and also there are a lot of bullies out there online and trolls and social media has become like the Wild West where anything seems to go these days, so I write articles.
  23. At 1am last night I get a series of strange emails and text messages from my old therapist claiming to be from her room mate and it said that she went missing and that she was worried and had contacted the police so I contacted the police too, I contacted her work place and then I just didn’t sleep because I care about her as I do with all people I know. i stayed awake until 9am called her work place and they didn’t seem to know anything and then about an hour ago I get a message to say that she’s ok and just got lost. Apparently she didn’t take her phone with her and bag or anything. im glad she’s ok but her phone is her phone she uses for work and therapy. Her friend contacted me by email, text and WhatsApp and I image she holds a lot of people’s confidential and personal information on that phone as that is where we would talk about issues and It really concerns me that other people could read her stuff and use her phone, the friend obviously read her emails etc to get my contact information to contact me in the middle of the night and that worried me and as you can imagine when you have a therapist you have an understanding that what you say is confidential and given that we still talk from time to time about issues I don’t know what to do. i consider her a friend so I don’t want to report my concerns to anybody but at the same time I don’t know what to do in terms of talking to her about this but I am no longer sure if I want to continue talking when I can’t trust confidentiality. I am not sure if I still want her to process my information if anyone can go through her phone like that. what should I do and am I being unreasonable ? Jerry
  24. At 1am last night I get a series of strange emails and text messages from my old therapist claiming to be from her room mate and it said that she went missing and that she was worried and had contacted the police so I contacted the police too, I contacted her work place and then I just didn’t sleep because I care about her as I do with all people I know. i stayed awake until 9am called her work place and they didn’t seem to know anything and then about an hour ago I get a message to say that she’s ok and just got lost. Apparently she didn’t take her phone with her and bag or anything. im glad she’s ok but her phone is her phone she uses for work and therapy. Her friend contacted me by email, text and WhatsApp and I image she holds a lot of people’s confidential and personal information on that phone as that is where we would talk about issues and It really concerns me that other people could read her stuff and use her phone, the friend obviously read her emails etc to get my contact information to contact me in the middle of the night and that worried me and as you can imagine when you have a therapist you have an understanding that what you say is confidential and given that we still talk from time to time about issues I don’t know what to do. i consider her a friend so I don’t want to report my concerns to anybody but at the same time I don’t know what to do in terms of talking to her about this but I am no longer sure if I want to continue talking when I can’t trust confidentiality. I am not sure if I still want her to process my information if anyone can go through her phone like that. what should I do and am I being unreasonable ? Jerry
  25. It was very unfair and I am Injustice the worst part is I tracked the records down the school records and basically the school tried to cover up when my dad threatened to go after them for bullying that took place, my records went missing and in place was a libel letter which was just down right nasty and abusive and accused me and my parents of all sorts of things and he fast claimed that they got social services to visit us, My dad he says that never happened and it was a cover up by the school, I am going to request my personal files from social services and I bet there are not any because my parents are good parents. i am just disgusted when I read that file and it’s left me in a totally wreck and I am having to fight to get my records put right but this having an impact on me, I keep hearing my heart pounding loudly every time I get upset the truth is I was sexually abused as a child, bullied at school and then took out of school and left with no prospects and actions of vile people like the school and this psych they don’t realise what damage and harm they are doing
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