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FerryJerry

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  1. I’m glad that I’m not alone in feeling the same way. I couldn’t have put it better myself. I also don’t care what other people think I just want to be happy and be me
  2. A lot of people might find this weirdo but I did some research and came across age regression articles and they claim to help some people with their anxiety and depression and even ptsd so that is what I am going to do because I am childish and never really grew up, other people use it to help deal with trauma. As silly as it sounds I enjoy watching cartoons like Ben & Hollies Little Kingdom, raccoons tv show, Raggie Dolls. I don’t know what my partner will think , hopefully she’s supportive but if not oh well. I brought some plushies, some dvds of my favourite childhood series and a pacifier for adults, one that doesn’t mess up your teeth like a baby pacifier would and I plan on spending time as the child that I feel that I am inside. I’ve reached the stage where I can’t cope with daily life, the stress, the worry and dealing with other people, it’s crushing my soul, when I am being little in a way I just let go of it all for a while to just snuggle up with a soft toy and let the stress and upset of the day go and watch my tv shows, my partner seems happy to watch these cartoons also that’s a plus. This is probably going to sound wrong but being an adult isn’t much fun at times, there’s responsibilities, worry, stress and people have motives and the past and other people has changed me and I feel like I am loosing myself. Lately it’s been nothing but worry about teeth, health, money, dealing with people trying to scam me and it’s sent me over the edge. Life has battered and beaten me over the past 25 years, it made me sad, angry, confused and insecure to the point where I don’t want to leave the house and If I go out I have constant anxiety or panic if I need the bathroom and there isn’t one near by, I go as far as crying because it stems from the neglect I suffered as a child.
  3. I was doing okay up until a couple of days ago and then depression hit me hard and I've been unable to leave my bed or my home. My medication usually helps me but it’s not been today. I’ve been getting worse and considering starting a end of life fund so I can save up for that, I figured I've got to last 15 or 20 years to make sure my pets are okay but after then maybe I can weigh up my options. I don’t have my health, my teeth are rotting to the point that I can’t eat easily and most days I can’t leave the house and I’m inactive and I find little joy in the things I used to. I’ve been trying to get help and waiting for years and they finally send me an appointment and it’s to somewhere I can’t travel to so I am really miffed about that and put in a complaint, my pets are the only thing keeping me going right now, I love them very much. I should be getting exercise because of my high blood pressure or I should be on meds for that but I just don’t care anymore, I fail at so many things including life, I can’t hold down a job, I can’t get an income all I can do is lay here and because it’s damp where I live I suffer from a lot of pain and basically live on tramadol so I can even walk because my joints lock up and the pain is severe. I don’t know how I got this way or how I fell so far but I don’t have any fight left in me
  4. Just feeling angry and uptight as the day has been one of those days where everything goes wrong well the whole weeks been like that really
  5. I don’t cope when things go wrong I get anger and feel rage and today everything went wrong my tv started to act up, the picture became milky and washed out everywhere you plug anything in to the hdmi, so I tried different cables, different devices, different settings and nothing worked and when you press a button on the remote it took about 5 minutes for the menu to appear so it drove me nuts so out goes to tv from the bed room and in comes the tv from the living room and problems solved, next problem, the cat runs away and by this point I feeling terrible from living heavy TV sets and messing around with cables but we go out searching for him and we found him. I am so stressed and wound up that I won’t sleep and my tummy will be upset. I am deeply depressed and little things drive me nuts and make me really angry like the fact my other half won’t sell on eBay any more after someone threatened me so it means I get 50% less for everything selling it in to a pawn shop and it’s really hurt me financially and then the smoke alarms keep going off every 5 minutes and there’s no smoke, there’s no fire but it’s one of these weird all electric and battery smoke alarms that works off of the main electricity and has a backup battery and even having a shower the steam seems to set it off and even the cats using the cat try seem to set it off it’s weird. I’ve checked our home from top to bottom and there is nothing hot, nothing is smoking and nothing is on fire. The stress is ******* me and my mood and I am short and grumpy. One things for sure I will never have another Phillips tv again as this one has been the worst ever.
  6. I feel at my wits end and don’t know what to do anymore. My partner buster her leg on the golf course so we just been stuck at home and I barely leave bed because I’m terribly depressed and feeling unwell and my father he make false and empty promises, it’s like he said mums pension she was underpaid and he was going to look in to claiming back as she’s dead and he said I could have the money so I gave him the details who to contact and I don’t think he will ever do it and I can’t. Money is a problem but if I got the money I’d probably be tempted to use it to go abroad to die. Staying a live feels harder every day because of emotional and physical pain and feel exhausted. I miss going out but feel to scared to go out alone because when you not been out in a long time it feels alien and scary like it’s safe at home in our little nest and bed. I just can’t keep my mood up at the best of times.
  7. I have been struggling feeling ill and my hands, fingers toes have gone numb and my skin flakes off and bleeds and I feel very rundown and feel defeated like I don't have any fight left in me anymore. Even trying to exercise or do chores exhaust me and I'm extremely depressed and anxious and I feel like admitting defeat and giving up. I've no life left in me and all I want to do is sleep.
  8. this is Lady she’s our new kitten and so loving
  9. I care, because I know how horrific it is to lose a mum and on the day I lost mine I broke down in hysterics like someone had ripped my heart out and the only way I could cope was to be sedated. I was there for my family and stayed with them by moving near for months until I wasn’t wanted anymore and discarded. All I have left if her photo on my wall and her jewellery. I love animals and I’ve surrounded myself with them and I cherish them more than people and nature also. When I was having a bad day the other day I walked to the beach on an empty tummy and just laid down in the sand and looked up at the sky and the sounds of the sea grounded me and helped me to feel ok for a short while. My mum radiated love and didn’t have a mean bone her in body and then it was gone when she passed away. One day I was on the phone with her most of the day and we laughed and she was happy and the next day she was gone. I struggling with the things that go on in this world every time I turn my screen on, so I am trying a digital detox by switching to a old retro phone as my main phone and just use my spare phone in the evening for checking in but most things I read online, especially in the news triggers me. My pets have been a god send, my kitten and cats, I will see if I can attach a photo. They are my rocks and I love them
  10. That’s exactly how I feel when my mum left. The world became a dark and cold place and I’ve never really recovered. I put a lot of energy in to fighting and I am burnt out and if I rest like I need to I gain weight and I don’t get on with many people. I've spent the last week being triggered with my ptsd and the little energy I have I’ve been fighting the doctors to get treatment and I’m basically being ignored by them and my father barely gives me the time of day, I never think he had much interest in helping me in life I mean my mum wanted dad to teach me his trade but he could never be bothered and I didn’t get far in life. I think I have neurological issues after having the vaccine because my fingers, toes and arms keep going numb most of the time. I feel ignored by my partner. All there is to do really in watch tv and wait to get older than I already am. I was so ill today that I went to the garden at 7am and finished a bottle of wine and I was sitting there in a harden chair in the pouring rain and I didn’t care that it was raining or that I was getting soaked I just needed to be out of the house. I guess these four walls can grind you down
  11. I live in a world where I feel alienated where I can’t get help and I’m loosing to the darkness I call my mental health so I am sitting out in the pouring rain so I could be alone and drink to stop feeling so stressed and horrible. I can’t stand my partner she means well but won’t give me a moments peace and I just hate being alive . I can’t get treatment.
  12. I spoke to the other doctors surgery and asked if they are taking new patients and I explained why I wasn’t happy with my current GP surgery and they said “sure just come in and fill in new patient forms” so I will do that. In the meantime I will request a months worth or new medication and collect that, then fill out the forms and be done with that doctor practice. Life’s to short to put up with poor behaviour from doctors.
  13. The pandemics really trashed things in this country, just like in others. The train service is worse it’s ever been and trying to get medical treatment is tricky. I partner was supposed to have a scan to see where her bleeding was coming from but that got cancelled. Getting a appointment for these issues apparently the only place that can offer treatment is 4 and half hours away by train and we don’t have any other transport. Yes medical treatment is free but people pay NHS contributions to help fund the NHS which comes out of wages, but even so it’s like certain medial treatments are taking a back seat due to the pandemic. I will let you know how I get on
  14. In the uk we don’t have a lot like that, the best I can hope for it what I did, I emailed the CEO / chairman and put in a complaint and I got a response to say they sent it to the complaints team to look in to, but I explained the issue to my doctor and the people at the hospital and they just shrugged and said we are sorry you can’t make it have a nice day, but for now I’ve resorted to having vitamin K in vegetables to help my blot clot better than it should. In the next few days I will change doctors if possible and push to get help but because of the pandemic the public transport in the uk is total chaos with only a handful of trains a day, bus replacement and they expect you to make it there and back home by 5pm because that is when the last train is which is really mean, it used to be 10pm at night the last train.
  15. I spoke to the doctor today and she was really horrible and bullied me for not being able to travel 4 and half hours to be examined by a specialist, I explained that the last train home leaves during the appointments and I am vulnerable and can’t sleep on a park bench all night and she just kept on and on about how if it was her she would be jumping at the appointments and I’m sorry but I filed a complaint immediately after. There are two hospitals close by one is a ten minute walk the other is 45 mins away but they choose to send me 4 hours 30 mins away. My new plan is to sack my doctors, register with a new doctors and firstly see if there is anything they can prescribe to stop the bleeding and then still push through with my complaint to the chairman of the hospital department and get a closer appointment or help getting there but I got to concentrate about making it through today because I woke up to bleeding again, another two kittens died from fading kitten syndrome and I’m severely dehydrated and had to dig a grave for my beloved 3 week old kittens and I am not in a good place, but I am going to survive.
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