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About FerryJerry

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  1. Like my whole world is coming to an end and I can’t do anything but watch as it crumbles
  2. I think some people are probably tied to the drug companies and favour pills but I wish I could get therapy instead
  3. After calling the crisis team I got a appointment and the psych spent a massive 28mins with me and in such time hardly asked anything and then it was like “here are some meds, run along” I recorded the appointment and it really felt impersonal and like they didn’t give a dam, it felt like a meeting with a car sales man who just told you what you wanted to hear and then after your effort you left with whatever wears they were peddling
  4. I am really close to giving up for good and I’ve been trying for years to get help, I called the crisis team, my doctors who decided they wouldn’t offer me an appointment after I said that I have PTSD they decided I was to complicated after speaking to them and they palmed me off on to the crisis team who also palmed me off and I just get passed around like I am somebody else’s problem that nobody wants. My wife is ill, I’m ill and i don’t see a way out of this mess with no support, I don’t think I can be saved in this life or in the next. I can’t afford to pay to get help if I could I would pay someone to do the chores and help prepare food, I would pay for therapy and maybe check myself in somewhere until I feel safe again. All I feel able to say is sit or lay down and wait to feel okay again. I believe I have some kind of mood disorder which makes my mood change rapidly and little things can trigger me i wish there was a way to guarantee that even after I leave this world I would cease to exist because I fear even more suffering. My mind is broken so is my body and I feel I am waiting for something to further break in it so I can leave this place I ruined my life and other people’s and I’ve made no difference in this world.
  5. Today I got banned from YouTube, they didn’t say why but sent me a system generated email and said I broke the community guide lines, I read said guidelines like I’ve done before and I didn’t break any of the rules, I’ve never commented, my videos I am the copyright owner and are of nature and the seaside. I’ve never bullied anyone. I do have a stalker and I am wondering if they could made a bunch of false reports and the YouTube bots auto banned me.so tomorrow I’m gonna call them up and file a complaint. I wouldn’t mind but I’ve not used YouTube for a yeah because I’ve been too ill. If I had been hacked I would have got a text message alert.I feel burnt out and I am not managing to do much, I woke up at 7am my legs start to hurt and my mood goes down hill. It’s not just YouTube that’s treated me unfairly, people on chat started calling me vile names that I don’t care to repeat because they are down right nasty. One person made fun of my weight and said I should eat some doughnuts. I grown to hate people. It just feels like my life is full of negativity and that I am just waiting counting down time till I die. i watched the movie called the joker and before he flipped people kept harming the guy in the movie and then he flipped and hurt them. I can relate to feeling beaten down by people and life.
  6. I want to buy animal crossing for my nintendo switch, I am trying to save up for it. I would also like to buy some custom buttons from china for my game controller
  7. I have been feeling very ill lately and I got a very bad skin infection which makes walking difficult and each time I walk I scream in pain so I am on antibiotics. Ive been playing games like gta to try and pass the time but I think the game is giving me nightmares, people attack me and make fun and they wont stop and it triggers me badly and I shake and feel horrible inside. I am trying to play other games. I am not getting anything done, all I managed today was to help cut the food for dinner. Ive not been sleeping due to the pain. Ive had this skin condition since I was a child on and off and it stopped for some years but its back again and this is my second time I needed antibiotics to treat it. I feel very weak, tired and low and when I take strong pain killers I feel zonked out on them like iv been drugged. I just feel like life doesnt go on hold becuase your suffering. The gas still needs topping up, the pets looking after, money to come in and there are days like today I just want to shut the world out, go to sleep until I feel ok again but I cant, ive put on a lot of weight and started to get pulpitations but I am never awake in time to see a doctor and If I am I feel to ill to get there. I feel like this is the loweest point in my life and I don't know how to find a way to find some peace of mind. I tried spending time in the living room in front of the tv for a change of scenery but that only helps so much. I keep fighting to try and get help from the nhs but I dont get anywhere and my partner is having to fight my battles with the nhs to try and get treatment as I am not well enough to do that. I fear if I continue to go under we could lose the house or I could lose my battle with depression. I have considered trying alternative medicine. I live in a world where If I break my legs or my body they will take me to hospital and help comes fast, but if my mind is broken nobody ever comes.
  8. What really hurt me is what dad said and he said he didn’t have a Christmas this good since my sister died. He didn’t spent the Christmas with us just his my GF and her family what he was implying is that he never had a good Christmas with me I keep crying and feeling really down and low. i think I did set my expectation high for Christmas, we were going to have nice food and watch movies and I feel asleep through the first movie and that was Christmas gone until the evening and dad called and upset me hr was talking about visiting in the new year but I’ve had enough if he comes up I am not going to make an effort because I am done trying at the end of the I have severe mental health issues and I have to live around those my mood can change quickly and my family can and do trigger me and I’ve not got any fight left in me or any defences left my friends make me happy when we play, chat and have friendly banter and I love driving around in my radio controlled tank on the game next week I got to go and sell a few things, get some money and get a few things I need and then I just got to recover and wait for my X-rays to come back and to find out why my mobility is getting worse and what they can do to help if not I got to persevere with lifting weights to try and strength my legs so I don’t struggle to walk I've spent a lot of time in bed due to pain and the longer you spend in bed the weaker your legs can get when I was in hospital I spent a week in bed and I could barely stand up or use the bathroom and it took a while to get back to normal, that was nearly 10 years ago In a way I learn to only do what I can cope with to get by
  9. I woke up early I don’t know what woke me up the day started off okay, I talked to my friends and everything was okay until I did the dishes and then my bad joints started to hurt, I took my medication for the pain and it sent me to sleep I kept being woken up to be nagged at for various things like the keyboard not working, for not helping with food despite explaining how bad the pain was and how exhausted I felt I ended up smashing the pc keyboard. The meat we got from the butchers was not good. then when I was bursting for the bathroom dad called to tell me how great his Christmas was and how he never had a Christmas as good as this with me and my mum after my sister passed away and I just hung up the call after he finished and broke down in to tears and felt suicidal. I've come to the living room to be alone because I can’t cope, I kept kept praying that I could die because my quality of life doesn’t seem good anymore its me who struggles to pay the bills, me who struggles to do the dishes, tidy up and fix the drains and I am just sick and tired, I spent last week at the hospital getting x-rays because I got hip and spine issues, if I run or walk fast I get severe pain and numbness in the base of my spine and I don’t think the outcome is gonna be good and if fear that one day I won’t be able to walk, I can barely walk far these days, I am barely managing to drink enough fluids during the day and don’t feel like eating much anymore. I love our pets but I’m struggling to get up every day and clean and feed them but I do it because I love and care about them. I got to go to the doctors when I can and try and go and sell my phone so I can get some money. Over the festive period someone nasty contacted me over PlayStation messenger and said some very horrible things, over a game and I just seem to meet the worse kind of people playing certain games online the one thing that made me happy today was my friends so many I should be great full for that, we hung out for a few hours in the game and talked, then we got our free RC Tank in the game which is really awesome and then they went offline as it’s late where they are, but talking to them make me happy.
  10. I’ve had enough of Facebook so I think I might leave Facebook. It does get me down a lot
  11. I posted on Facebook that I am struggling badly with my mental health and why and not a sing message or reply or word of encouragement I am struggling because of family issues, because life has got hard and my partner and I are ill. My teeth are falling apart because I feel too mentally ill to do anything about it and I don’t see life getting any better, I try to stay alive and carry on for other people, not for me because I am ready to leave this world, I can’t hurt those I love by leaving them behind. Our cats are getting me down because they keep breaking in to food containers and ruining both our food and theirs and today they did the same to the rabbit food and the kitchen roll and they knocked the trash everywhere and I’ve had enough of our gone looking like a trash heap because they keep acting up and we are both too ill to tidy. They get plenty of food but I can’t sit and eat in peace without them trying to put a paw or a tail in my food and my parter did that Too then by encouraging them to have tip bits. I said no but I am not listened to in our relationship. the time I can cope is if I take my drugs and drown everything out. The only happiness I get now is, eating ice cream and playing games and sleeping, even then it doesn’t always work. last night I was badly triggered and wanted to hurt myself, I ended up screaming and being held until I went to sleep. I’ve been struggling with my bank card and the bank beens super slow and sending me a replacement since there was a transaction I didn’t authorise so they stopped my card and sent me a new one, that was well over a week ago and I can’t gain access to money until it arrives so I am fed up of everything.
  12. The BS with my dad and his GF has continued and I got a moody email form dad and in his own words “I’ve F#%^ed up his relationship the stress it’s caused me has been horrible and I just had enough of people, nobody cares about me or what I want, I try playing my game and I get told to turn it off and then the TVs not in use and I wouldn’t mind I paid for the tv. my sleep is upside down and I all I’ve done is sleep lots for the past week or so I am done trying, I don’t want to know the witch anymore and they can just leave me alone and I am not even going to the wedding, Screw them I am really angry, really hurt and I don’t want this in my life he said that when his gf said they left early for sex, that it was a joke and he accused me of being a liar and I’ve had a enough. he screwed up my education by removing me from school when I was too young and never home schooled me, we kept moving house and it ruined my career opportunities and the authorities did nothing. I don’t want to know anymore so I am letting go of my Facebook account, blocking the numbers, blocking their emails and just going to walk away. Time and time again when I needed him he wasn’t there for me and I’ve had enough.
  13. I’ve been very unwell since the visit and we barely have talked to them (not my choice) I’ve been asleep for 5 days straight and I’ve just had enough. I’ve not managed to do anything other than sleep and basic chores and my depression has worsened. It doesn’t help that it’s been freezing cold here and getting things done in the cold isn’t easy but I’ve made sure we stayed warm and our pets too. I got a bunch of things to get done soon but I lack motivation.
  14. I wasn’t happy at all, she took to Facebook last night and they picked the nearest hotel to their home and posted that they where going there for a night of passion. I am not impressed with how I was treated, neither was my partner so she posted on Facebook and then shortly after I got an email from dad asking me to have a word with my partner and to stop blaming his girlfriend Ive been ignored ever since. When we were getting drinks, in front of everyone she loudly kept talking about dirty deeds done in car parks which I thought was inappropriate. dad pays for everything for her, all she ever talks about is her other family and how they want to move closer to them (further away from me) and because of my mental health I struggled to be that far away on my own but my partner has anaemia so wasn’t up to travelling, the only company I had was my dad and his partner and they ditched me as quick as they could. I had a word with dad about how she was treating / talking to me but he just defended her. I guess love is blind, well I don’t think she loves him. There is no way I am going to the wedding, even if I did it would be her family that took part in the wedding not us. I don’t really want drama anymore. The journey back last night was a nightmare with delays and issues and I got back in 8pm at night having left early morning and my shoulders hurt bad from carrying luggage and arthritis so I took some medicine, put Leon on my tv and fell asleep. I gave my pets and partner a cuddle first and the cats were really happy to see me so was my partner. never again and I am travelling across country to see them, they can travel up in the car. I am sorry this happened to you, family can be horrible, I used to sit there and my family would criticise me and my life and how I made nothing of it, they had no appreciation or understanding about mental health or how I struggled, at night I couldn’t function for my poor mental health. Some times I would storm out and go for a walk when I was being criticised for my lack of success in life. I would walk around the lakes, see the birds and swans and the wildlife and just drown it all out.
  15. I went on a 7 hour (each way) trip to see my dad and his new girlfriend and we agreed a meeting place that was close to them and we were going to spend the day together and evening and my dads girlfriend got the hump when we couldn’t find a coffee shop or any shops for her to look around so she got angry, worked off and then they left so I spent £250 on hotel and travel and that’s how they treat me. If there isn’t something in it for my dads new partner then they just don’t wanna know. this is the second and final time I am letting this happen. Last night I was in my hotel and had to eat alone and I was fell asleep and woke up having panic attacks and then didn’t get much sleep. when I put a photo of my dinner and desert I got a message on Facebook calling me a pig. I am really angry so I got up at the crack of dawn, I ate a light breakfast, packed, went to the store and got food and drink for the long journey back and I jumped on the first train out of there i got about another 5 hours ahead of me travel but I am just desperate to get home to my partner and our cats I am not ever making an effort to come down again, for the money I could have gone on holiday with my partner, the only silver lining was the restaurant and peaceful hotel and getting to chat to my partner on facebook messenger video chat do you think I am unreasonable being so upset about how I was treated? my partner is livid at my dads partner and my dad.
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