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FerryJerry

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About FerryJerry

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  1. My ptsd has been really bad for the past few days (ever since I got my sleeping routine back to normal -E.g. wake morning sleep at night) I keep having nightmares that trigger me, during the day I feel broken, I can’t drink enough water to stay healthy, I am constantly dehydrated and in the past that lead me to the emergency room, but not on purpose. I go online and then receive abuse from people who hate me for no good reason. I sit there at night and I hope that when I die in the future, that I never have to see another person again. When I wake up I’m in a state and my mood drops because of the nightmares and it never ends. I just wish I would sit outside somewhere pretty in nature and take a bottle of juice and sit there , watch the world go by and drink a few bottles m, maybe that would lift my spirits. A big part of me feels like giving up and I think in a way it has, I don’t know how to find the inner strength to get up each day and function.
  2. people are just dragging me down, I’ve told them I’m not celebrating my birthday anymore. I don’t want anything for my birthday and people stopped caring anyway so it’s a win win for everyone else. Birthdays are not the same since I left home and I lost my mom, I died that day too and my health is going down with it. I woke up to a demand to make food, then dealing with someone’s low mood because they play a game and people are mean and I said just stop playing the game but no. Then I get moaned at about money all of the time when it’s not me that wastes it. i wish I could afford to run away just take off, dump my phone, my bank, every last trace of me and live off grid and then non of the people in my life will ever find me that’s how much they hurt me but it won’t stop my mind hurting me but I can’t get any treatment
  3. I’ve had enough of the relationship I’m that I am in and I don’t have a lot of options or maybe I am not seeing them but either way I want to leave the relationship. I’ve talked about it many times but I’ve never managed to leave because I get talked out of it. The only reason I stay is because I can’t look after myself because of my mental health ( it’s stupid things like I nearly destroyed the microwave because I forgot to put the food in and I turned it on and the house filled with fumes and I struggle to cook, I am not safe and can’t concentrate) I don’t have anywhere to live, my partner takes all the money I have and leaves me with barely anything each month and despite this the cupboards and fridge is bare most of the time, I ask where the money goes and I hardly get a definitive answer other than stuff costs money. in the past I lost everything when I moved out, even my pets and I’m scared of that happening again, it makes things a lot harder since I want to move out and there is a pandemic. It hurts me to think that we could end up as strangers but I feel I don’t get much out of our relationship and that it’s more or one that is a relationship of Necessity as we both don’t cope well with life and I just want to go somewhere, where I can burry my head in sorry and sleep my life away where I can have peace and feel safe. I struggle at life and I just want to make it through to the end. my options are stay and cope for the next 10 or 20 years and be miserable or go and have a uncertain future. If I go I think getting kicked out is better for my situation so I will just stop paying the bills and get thrown out. Sorry it’s just very raw and I’ve had enough
  4. I keep fighting my depression and low moods day in day down and life feels cold and pointless and I’m getting fatter and sicker and not wanting to leave our bed and I’m struggling to keep on top of daily things around the home and my partner just keeps dragging me down, it’s like she lost her headphones that I brought her and straight away I tried to help find them but couldn’t and then she threatened to take away my time using the tv and playing my game until I did find them and she can’t see what’s wrong with that. It left me feeling depressed and sad. My life isn’t perfect my partner never lets me touch her and I accepted that although it hurts and life sucks i can’t sleep at night because I feel so distressed the only thing I got in life are my pets my partner, eating and playing games. I’m just growing tired of being alive... sknn my e people grow tired of life at 85, me I got tired of life at 35. If I could only find the strength or lose weight, get out more and maybe I would be okay but most days I’m broken so much that I can’t function very well
  5. A few weeks ago the neighbour said hey don’t mind if I replace the fence with a new one, the old ones falling apart and I just want to replace it, we don’t have to ask you coz it’s our side of the fence anyway. I shrugged and said sure, thinking it was a nice small fence like the last one, well they are building it and it’s over 6 feet high and maybe I am paranoid but I am taking it personally because who puts up a ugly 6 foot fence blocking the scenery. It’s either because the gardens a mess because I am too ill to cope with gardening or they want to keep our cats out but our cats will just walk around the fence or climb the tree and get in that way but I am just feeling down about it mainly because it’s ugly and maybe I have no room to moan because I said sure go ahead but he left out that the fence was going to be 6foot high or taller and I liked sitting in the garden and looking across at the hills and now we can’t I’d imagine. I am not good at this kind of things because I get offended and no one listens to me in real life and I just don’t want it but what can I do.
  6. If I had the money I would have all of my teeth removed and put implants in but even they say they need to be looked after well so I guess they wouldn’t last but who knows. I just wish we could grow new teeth every time we lost one like with baby teeth when your a child and loose one the new one grows back
  7. Every one they did for me ended up falling apart and before COVID they drilled one and not it’s almost dead where they didn’t fill it but I don’t have many good teeth left i think I would have been better off never going to the dentist other than for extractions
  8. Last night I passed out on the bed in the early hours of the morning after having too much and I had a long beautiful dream where I met someone and I loved them with all of my heart and went with them to the ends of the earth and then I wake up I am back in my dull boring life and it hurts, I’ve had many dreams that are better than my life and then you wake up and feel hurt because they were just dreams and you had to wake up. All I’ve got ahead of me today is washing dishes, I’m better off then some people but my mental health ruined me life and I can’t see the silver lining. I have a home, be it tiny, a partner who loves me, pets that I adore but I’m not happy because of my mental health issues, health issues, lack of motivation and inner strength and being being in a strange relationship where hardly any contact happens other than hugs. I not living really I’m just surviving and all my chips are riding on the afterlife being better than this one. theres so much I wanted to see and do, but I feel burned out and exhausted and not even well enough to make food or drink enough fluids, I just lay here getting worse and my teeth are bad but the government has said that we are not allowed to get fillings on the Nhs due to new legislation and if we want fillings they say we got to pay and I can’t afford it so I guess I’m going to loose my teeth, many people are in the same situation as me and it’s wrong the things I’m good at I’m too tired to do. I made a wardrobe the other day and it’s taken me to days to recover because it took a lot out of me. I would like to do more woodwork but it’s difficult for me because of my bad back and joints.
  9. I woke up and I feel like it’s hard to breathe but it’s probably anxiety but I am not sure, I think my health is getting worse and it’s easier to let it get worse because I have no fight left in me anymore. Because of the awful things other people have done to me and various mistakes, I’ve felt crippled with my mental health and I’ve been inactive so long that I’ve gained too much weight, it hurts to stand or sit and I left my teeth go bad. When someone closed to me passed away, and then when my cat went missing it’s sent me over the edge and I am spiralling down and I got a feeling that I won’t be alive for much longer. The stress, upset etc has taken its tole on my health along with being overweight and I am guessing my fate is die from heart issues like my other family members have. The depressed part of me wants to give up, when I’m well I don’t want to give up but I don’t know how to fight anymore. my doctor says rest, rest gains you more weight, losing weight from heavy exercise could mean danger but I don’t know anymore. I am pretty certain my blood pressure is stress related but I am just in a state of high stress all of the time. Since I was young I tried to find happiness, sometimes I’m happy but it’s short lived. The only thing that makes me happy each day is playing animal crossing and helping people out on animal crossing, this one person cried happy tears, when I donated some stuff to them that they really needed. I started a YouTube channel for my animal crossing but I don’t know where it will lead but it’s something to take my mind off of my troubles.
  10. The more the days pass me by the more I don’t sleep and when I do I wake up and the place is a mess, I never feel well enough to make food, when I try my depression kicks in and it feels like the task of making food is like climbing a mountain. my health is going down hill and I am just like a sinking ship but all I can do is sit back and watch helplessly as I fall. I can get through the day if I get high. When I’m depressed I spend the little cash I have left as comfort shopping to try and fill the void in my life. I collect several things like coins and knives, I have one for opening the boxes from amazon but my best ones I never use because some of them are created by artists. In another life time I would go camping and learn survival in the wilderness as that’s something that has always interested me. Maybe there are courses on it, I don’t know.
  11. We have done the same but she’s not in their garages or sheds but I won’t give up
  12. I feel mortified and low because my cat has gone missing, we tried calling the vet to see if anyone handed her in, we tried searching high and low from street to street and she’s gone, she left behind two kittens. I just feel burnt out, I’m not sleeping and when I do I have nightmares, I’ve also contacted cat protection to see if anyone handed in a cat, I tried signing up to a local group but they seem to ignore my requests to join. on the day she went missing another lady came up to us and said her cat was missing too and asked if we seen it. Every time we lose a cat a bit of me inside dies each time. I tried talking to my gamer group but they just ignored me, so I left the group. I don’t know when I should start putting posters up but maybe I will put an advert with one on in the local shops to start with. She always comes home and doesn’t spend much time away from home, if she goes out most of the time she comes back in again because she prefers being at home. She’s always there at the back door or front, we left window open because she comes in through the windows when we are asleep sometimes but still no bella, I go to sleep feeling low and I wake up and think maybe she’s come home so I check and still no kitty. We still have her son and daughter and lucky enough they are old enough to eat and drink on their own. I feel depleted, yesterday I woke up and my partner said I need to go searching again so I did and we ended up not eating until late but I didn’t manage to find her. Nobody calls when I call her name and this is the second cat we lost, the other cat was in an accident.
  13. I have but I am managing to get my blood pressure down, if it doesn’t improve I will take the medicine in a weeks time
  14. I was having heart palpitations and I talked to my doctor on the telephone and he said he wasn’t concerned but if I wanted he would do an ECG so I made an appointment and had an ECG and the nurse took my blood pressure and it’s high and it’s stayed high for the past week or two so they wanted me to take blood pressure meds but I read the label and it says don’t take if you have stomach issues and I have stomach issues so I’ve got to call them back tomorrow but I feel in limbo and I get exhausted, out of breath easily and I feel lifeless. I know where high blood pressure leads, it claimed the lives of my mother and my uncle and now it’s trying to claim mine and I’m in two minds about what to do, in the left hand I have the choice to just leave it and escape my suffering eventually or in the right hand there’s treatment but it involves being pulled about, regular blood tests, side effects and it also means I will have to stop smoking herb and without it my mental health will decline. I’m a firm believer that the more you get pulled about the more likely you will need more and more medical intervention down the road. Ive decided that I am going for a third option and I am going to start taking hawthorn to treat my blood pressure and if it comes down I can exercise more, that’s half of my trouble is that I am grossly over weight, I need exercise gut the doctor says no exercise and to take it easy and I have been but surely less exercise is not healthy either. i think this is my last chance in life to get well, better my health before it’s too late, but I don’t want to be pulled about by the doctor.
  15. I’ve had a bad 8 days, I’ve not been sleeping and I lost my cat then bullying in my game started, I walked away from my group in the game when they started attacking me for no reason (griefing) or whatever they call it. So I left and they took offence and started harassing me on Facebook and games console none stop, I spent hours blocking them and they just got their friends or friends of friends to harass me and to invite them in to my session to harass me and two nights I went to bed in crisis thanks for them and I hardly slept. I said to myself I can’t cope or take it anymore so I closed my accounts down which means I’ve lost all my games and progress and money and i factory reset my console so I can sell it Monday which was hard to do, but someone’s sacrifices have to be made in the name of my own health and sanity and peace of mind, these were the type of people who started to go after my friends and trying to figure out who I am so they could harass me offline as well as online, so I pulled the plug, I hit the delete account button and it’s gone. I am very upset and hurt because I loved my console and I loved my games but things were going to escalate and I couldn’t allow that. today I waited threw weeks for the refund for my faulty phone, it came and then I ordered a new one with the voucher and that was faulty so I just broke down and buried my head in my hands in disparity and my partner kindly took out a loan which I am repaying to get a replacement phone and the faulty one can go back. I ask myself when the negativity will stop and these bullies don’t realise what harm they do nor do they care, they will move on to the next poor victim and still get to turn on their consoles every night and continue their bullying unpunished, I did report them but you get a default reply saying it’s not a priority anymore due to Covid 19, meanwhile people are being harmed by their harassment and bullying. Bullying is something I have no defences for I used to get beaten daily kicked, punched and it went on for so long it broke me and the only way I can protect myself is to remove myself from the situation if possible like deleting my account. I couldn’t give it away because then the next person will be harassed. Then my dad when I need him the most doesn’t want to talk it’s like tonight watching a movie on Netflix was more important to him than speaking to me so I’ve had it and I don’t want to make an effort with him anymore.
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