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FerryJerry

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About FerryJerry

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  1. I don’t feel well today I woke up struggling and the my mood collapsed, I met a new group and started to play the game with them and then nothing much happened and I go t bored and my mood went down, then the products I brought on amazon must have had fake reviews because the studio lamp holder wouldn’t fit to any tripod and I spent 30 mins trying to get it to work and not my moods depleted and I don’t really have the money to spare to replace it and returning it is an effort and I don’t have much Concentration anymore. I try playing games with others online and I also go down hill fast and end up saying I got to go. I like playing on my own but even then people won’t leave you alone, there’s not a lot I enjoy much anymore and every time I have therapy on the telephone I feel worse off after and struggle for days, people don’t realise the impact they can have on your mood, I have complex trauma / ptsd and even small things can upset me and the upset just doesn’t go awayi enjoy watching movies but it’s an effort to get them to play because I got to plug in my media player and then we don’t have a free hdmi port so you got to unplug something and then most of the time it needs resetting before it will come on. I’ve been trying to watch the movie god bless America for the past two weeks and I either fall asleep or lose concentration.
  2. It was good playing games. We do collectors role on red dead redemption 2 online and we find the locations of the treasure together and go and dig for it. I had another telephone appointment today and its really slow getting help or treatment but I keep waiting patiently but its 3 to 4 weeks between appointments but I guess I should be greatful that I have this and that they are taking the time to try and get to the bottom of what is wrong with me. Today they said that I have complex trauma and that it is from childhood, All i know is that on days like today when I talk about stuff with them, it just leaves me feeling drained and exhausted. I got chores to do and I am not managing them. I got to put a new light up, some hooks, the dish washer, the rabbits, the cats need cleaning out and then there is always more to do but I dont look after myself but at least i spent a little time playing with our cats why i waited for my appointment I try to play with others online on xbox or ps4 but I dont always get on with people. its like this one girl, people were making fun of her so I told her and she didnt believe me and blocked me, I even showed her proof, then a week later she unblocked me and said I was right and she had left the group in the game but I was still annoyed but we still play together but not much as I not felt well enough to play much these past few days.
  3. I meant I was looking for a way out of life but fortunately they told me no via email and that it’s not a possibility. on a positive note I have psych calling In A few days time and it seems they want to try and help me, they said they want to asses me further, they said I have complex trauma and ptsd on top of that and they think it’s best I see a nurse at first and work on coping skills and then possibly treatment for the ptsd. I’ve been so run down that I’ve slept and slept for two days and need a rest day today because I’ve been so exhausted. For the first time in a long time my partner and I played games together in my console and enjoyed it very much. I did some wiring yesterday and hooked up a better fan to cool this place down, yesterday I had heat exhaustion because this house gets so hot and humid so I wired a new plug on to it and then put it on full and opened all of the windows to cool it down and then after we ate I crashed out asleep, I think it’s raining today so it should be a better day for being cooler and it means I won’t have to water the fruit in the garden, ever since this lockdown all there has been to do really is play games and do gardening or walk but I would like to walk more
  4. I think I’ve decided to seek a way out, I’ve contacted a few people in Europe and I going to make some enquires and see if I can find a doctor to help me put an end to my suffering. I love a certain country and I could go there, spent a few weeks relaxing and eating well and enjoying myself and then I could find a way out. I’ve seen struggling since I’ve as 16 and that’s over 20 years ago and I can’t get the help that I need and people keep testing me badly and I keep getting more and bitter, my dad doesn’t care about me, neither does his partner and my partner I find difficult to live with, I can never have children, I can’t make anything of my life and I have to rely on others so I want to get help but before then I want to force myself to believe that nothing comes after death because I don’t want to end up in another place and suffer again and again I just want peace and I am not living, I am surviving and abusing drugs to make it through the day otherwise I would be suicidal all of the time. I’ve been bullied and harmed my whole teenage and adult life, my only wish is that the people that hurt me could suffer as badly as I have.
  5. I am not coping and I just feel like I am getting worse and people keep being nasty to me online, I took time out to help this person and they treated me badly and then started insulting me and I cant cope with my feelings. I am loosing track of time, I dont know what day it is anymore or if I have slept or not because I struggle to sleep, my teeth are falling apart, I am gaining weight andI am very angry. Therapy they said I need therapy but its slow because they said I need therapy but they said they dont think I can cope with therapy so I need to learn how to cope and they will assess me again and I will see some kind of nurse and it just feels all too much. There is not a day that goes past that I dont feel like hurting myself or dying I just would like to give up now because recovery jus seems to far away and too much and life is too much. Having 8 pets is too much when I am doing a lot of the work because my partner cant. All I do is play games all day because there is nothing else and then I get wasted to drown everything out and then I get abused and then I get moaned at and I hate myself and I am bitter, angry and twisted and the only time I feel well is if I am high on something and I feel like I have hit rock bottom and theres no way out of it, the mess is just too big and the impact to great and I feel I am dragging everyone else down on my sinking ship. my partner just wont do enough to help but shes ill but its like the bedroom stinks of cats so I dont want to be in there and then apparently I am not spending enough time in there and the list goes on. I dont think anything in life will ever be okay or good enough. I doubt I will ever get the help that I need I think I am beyond help or saving and I am exhausted so exhausted and live in dark times. I wish there was some kind of exchange project or exchange technology that would let me trade my life for someones thats dying so they could have the time they want in this world and I could just fade away for them instead so they could be okay. I suffer every day with my broken mind and I wish it was all over. I wish that everyone that ever bullied me would catch lice that are immune to all treatment so they could scratch for all eternity ( sorry thats silly but it made me feel better thinking about that anyway)
  6. I will x I might make a scratch thing too, Wood sounds a lot safer than string and fabric, we have old jeans too I am awake now so they should stir
  7. I feeling terrible but the medicine is starting to kick in so watch this space
  8. We brought a cat scratch post and I hadn’t realised the String had come off of it and I was sitting there with my headphones on and I could hear crying, so Immediately I took them off and I saw the kitten upside down laying on its neck and it had gotten the string wrapped around her tail, tummy and neck so I screamed for my partner and in the mean time I held the kitten up to lessen the pressure of the string and we got the scissors and carefully held kitten and cut the string carefully and we thought that we were going to lose her and I didn’t have time to break down but now she’s ok and safe and happy, but I am not okay. i took the scratch post and I threw it out in the garden ready to put in the trash when it’s daylight and I left the item on Amazon the worst review, I love my cats more than I love myself and I feel in shock and I feel stupid for not noticing and it just felt like something out of the movie final destination and it could happen to my cats or me and if someone isn’t around to help.... it’s scary we have scissors near by in each room so luckily they where within reach. I never want anything like that to happen again and I’ve not been able to sleep because of it. I think the next scratch things I get will be matts rather than something that big and it won’t be made of sting that’s for sure
  9. When we lost my mum, my dad scattered my mums ashes in the only location in this country that I am not allowed to step foot in due to a court order I accepted as a plea deal so I could get on with my life, he scattered her ashes there and I couldn’t even go there and be there because I would have been arrested and I can’t go there for several years. He knew that and he did it and it’s not just that, ever since I left home because I of my sexuality he has been distant and treated me badly and I don’t really want him in my life or not really want him to be a part of it anymore because he has caused me a lot of upset and let me down time and time again, to me family was important and despite being ill I dropped everything to be there for dad when he was in hospital and for mum but I couldn’t say the same for dad. He promised to be there for my court case and he went back on it, he promised to spent time with us and even gets car and leave it up here while he visited and then he did non of those things, he met a woman in no time at all and he has changed and she’s a nasty person and I gave her many changes and I didn’t judge her until she kept being horrible to me time and time again and I’ve reached the point where I don’t want toxic in my life because life is difficult enough and it’s bad for my recovery. Every day I struggle with doing chores, I feel exhausted by the end of the day and then I go to bed and the cats mess the carpet and then despite cleaning it the smell is bad and I have to sleep like that, the I have to listen to my dad and his partner on the phone for hours because they put it on speaker phone and she butts in all of the time and even plays YouTube videos right next to the phone loudly while we are speaking and I think it’s not nice.
  10. I have been struggling for a very long time since my teenage years and I had ptsd from an early age and panic attacks also anxiety and it’s helped ruin my life but today’s the day I am taking back my life, I have been on new medicine and I had nothing left to lose really, after the medicine had time to work the depression lifted, I felt able to face the haunting memories that crippled me and I can concentrate, it’s like the fog has lifted and I can see through the clouds and see a beautiful rainbow 🌈 it’s early days but it’s looking good, I want to lose weight before I get health issues, in my family we have heart issues and diabetes and I am concerned about it so that’s my first life change I want to make, I want to try get out more for exercise and do more. The actions of others caused me to fall down and go down to destructive path but I am taking it back I am regaining the power I once lost because they took that from me and now I am taking it back, they caused me to lose my teeth, my health and my mind but the tides are turning. I am grateful for the things in my life like my home, my pets the tools I need to grow as a person. It’s almost as if someone flipped a switch and I emerged from the ashes of my life feeling well again, well enough to see life in colour and I am going hold on to this moment tightly. I must sleep now but for once I am happy and peaceful and that’s all I ever wanted
  11. I’ve not been sleeping and dad calling me just to wake me up and laugh didn’t help. Today I wake up and my partner has a panic attack over loosing the Apple TV remote control, and we got her through it and she fall asleep and my moods depleted, it’s nearly 3am I can’t sleep and got a pounding headache where I am dehydrated but I struggle with drink much. If I go in the living room my leg get scratched up by the kittens and the only that would help would be jeans but my jeans stopped fitting me years ago. I am not getting out for exercise, I’m not getting anything done and I feel like there is no hope and I that I want to give up. I asked my dad for my gameboy back and he just ignores me, my mom got it for me for my 13th birthday which was 20 over years ago and I loved it but it let dad use it and just like the money I loaned him I doubt I will ever get it back, when I asked I just got told about how I would have just squander it. I am really close to cutting off my relationship with my dad. I keep burning bridges down, I lost two friends yesterday because they were not there for me when I needed some support when I was being bullied. People keep treating me badly including my dad and I just don’t want people I don’t trust people I rather spend time with my pets and this pandemic means I don’t have to see many people which I didn’t do anyway. my dad has changed since he met his new partner and I really don’t like her, she got angry with me when we all met and she had to walk 500 yards to get coffee and I paid for the drinks which were expensive and traveled all that way to see them and they couldn’t spare much time. I expect that they will get married as they are engaged and this all happened within months of burying my dear mum. He wanted to know me all the time he was on his own but as soon as she came along he didn’t want to know or spent any time with us and she’s a leach she really is, she doesn’t pay for anything, she now had her grubby hands on my mums table which was left to me, she feeds my dad cakes when he has diabetes and Easter eggs and she doesn’t care about him, she doesn’t care about anything other than herself and her sisters and I’m stuck in the middle of all of this.
  12. I feel depleted, no reserves left and I got in to fight with my friends when they wouldn’t help when we were playing games, but they found time to come and take me out over and over and over again and I didn’t sleep
  13. This is just my two pence worth. Maybe she decided she doesn’t enjoy bass, there are things I got and they just sit in a draw but it doesn’t mean I don’t like them. Bass isn’t as fun as playing a guitar but that’s my opinion. she probably loves the fact that you made it for her but doesn’t enjoy playing. Once I had a keyboard and I think I played it two or three times and it never saw the light of day again, it doesn’t mean it’s disrespectful. This pandemic is putting a strain on everyone and it’s boring being at home, a lot of people have turned to gaming to pass the time, other people make videos, it’s about finding what you enjoy. My dads a musician but like with everything else he couldn’t be bothered to teach me anything in life other than a bit of wood work because he needed help making a chicken run, I wish someone would have taught me how to play something musical.
  14. my dad knows I struggle to sleep and have insomnia as does my wife and I not long got to sleep so what does he do, he calls me up, asks if I’m awake and says he is trying to help me get my sleep back to normal times, when I said I was asleep both him and his new girlfriend laugh loudly in the background at the fact that they have woken both of us up, so I hung the phone up and powered it off I was that angry and still am, it meant that we only got 2 hours asleep and my other half has health issues. He knows I struggle and have mental health issues and he does this. I might call him at 3am in the morning and just laugh down the phone and see how he likes it
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