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FerryJerry

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  1. She’s defiantly fired, she tried to change my mind but I said sorry no, I requested that she delete all communications she has from me. its difficult but I have principles and I stick to them. I am struggling a lot and getting support isn’t easy but one day I will find some peace I just got to figure out what I want to do with my life and try to make it happen, I see stores of people who live on a bus in the middle of the woods and I wish I could do that, just get away from everybody and everything and live in peace just switch off and look up at the stars at night, away from all of the things that grind me down, from being harassed to the responsibilities that go with day to day life, as children we never knew what lies ahead and what adulthood brings. Those days and the days before school were the happiest days of my life and now I struggle to find any happiness and I am just exhausted. the fees in most counties be it Europe, America the fees for therapy are high and if you got a low income you struggle its like my last bill was several hundred and that’s put me in hardship, it’s going to take me two or three months to recover from that last fee, but what really gets to me is that other people made me this sick and I can’t function very well and it’s me to has to pay to get treatment for things others did to me and I tried to sue them but my lawyer messed it up and now I’ve got to sue my lawyer and I don’t know if I will ever get anywhere. easter this year was waiting until today and raiding the discount section to get Easter treats. I know there are others worse off and I should be great full for what I have. Life doesn’t seem fair. It’s like I took our stray cats in and feed and look after them well and they are happy but the second I go to eat they try to get in my food and keep pestering me for my food even though it’s not good for them because cats can’t have dairy and onions, chilli, garlic and that’s the stuff I eat, it’s not that they are hungry or need food but it gets me down too and as soon as I’ve eaten it I can guarantee they go away and don’t want to know.
  2. I’ve not felt well for a few days now and I fired my therapist because she has been awful lately, she let other people read my messages and then she ignores me so I’ve fired her and also considering reporting her for beaching confidentiality. If I do then it could ruin her career because if patients can’t have confidentiality then it’s a big thing. so yeah no therapist, no money for a new therapist as old one reduced their rates and just not feeling well. I tried to play games but it won’t connect today for some reason, maybe the server is busy i needed more sleep but the cats wanted to sleep on the bed and decided to lay on my legs and they are heavy so I didn’t get back to sleep my dad hardly wants to talk since he got his new girlfriend and I just feel isolated, I tried working on my website for a while, I get traffic and people appreciate the tutorials I make but I write articles on privacy to help others as your average user doesn’t know much about online privacy, most people a quick search reveals a lot about them but if my name goes in to whitepages or people searches nothing ever comes up because I am good with privacy and also there are a lot of bullies out there online and trolls and social media has become like the Wild West where anything seems to go these days, so I write articles.
  3. At 1am last night I get a series of strange emails and text messages from my old therapist claiming to be from her room mate and it said that she went missing and that she was worried and had contacted the police so I contacted the police too, I contacted her work place and then I just didn’t sleep because I care about her as I do with all people I know. i stayed awake until 9am called her work place and they didn’t seem to know anything and then about an hour ago I get a message to say that she’s ok and just got lost. Apparently she didn’t take her phone with her and bag or anything. im glad she’s ok but her phone is her phone she uses for work and therapy. Her friend contacted me by email, text and WhatsApp and I image she holds a lot of people’s confidential and personal information on that phone as that is where we would talk about issues and It really concerns me that other people could read her stuff and use her phone, the friend obviously read her emails etc to get my contact information to contact me in the middle of the night and that worried me and as you can imagine when you have a therapist you have an understanding that what you say is confidential and given that we still talk from time to time about issues I don’t know what to do. i consider her a friend so I don’t want to report my concerns to anybody but at the same time I don’t know what to do in terms of talking to her about this but I am no longer sure if I want to continue talking when I can’t trust confidentiality. I am not sure if I still want her to process my information if anyone can go through her phone like that. what should I do and am I being unreasonable ? Jerry
  4. At 1am last night I get a series of strange emails and text messages from my old therapist claiming to be from her room mate and it said that she went missing and that she was worried and had contacted the police so I contacted the police too, I contacted her work place and then I just didn’t sleep because I care about her as I do with all people I know. i stayed awake until 9am called her work place and they didn’t seem to know anything and then about an hour ago I get a message to say that she’s ok and just got lost. Apparently she didn’t take her phone with her and bag or anything. im glad she’s ok but her phone is her phone she uses for work and therapy. Her friend contacted me by email, text and WhatsApp and I image she holds a lot of people’s confidential and personal information on that phone as that is where we would talk about issues and It really concerns me that other people could read her stuff and use her phone, the friend obviously read her emails etc to get my contact information to contact me in the middle of the night and that worried me and as you can imagine when you have a therapist you have an understanding that what you say is confidential and given that we still talk from time to time about issues I don’t know what to do. i consider her a friend so I don’t want to report my concerns to anybody but at the same time I don’t know what to do in terms of talking to her about this but I am no longer sure if I want to continue talking when I can’t trust confidentiality. I am not sure if I still want her to process my information if anyone can go through her phone like that. what should I do and am I being unreasonable ? Jerry
  5. It was very unfair and I am Injustice the worst part is I tracked the records down the school records and basically the school tried to cover up when my dad threatened to go after them for bullying that took place, my records went missing and in place was a libel letter which was just down right nasty and abusive and accused me and my parents of all sorts of things and he fast claimed that they got social services to visit us, My dad he says that never happened and it was a cover up by the school, I am going to request my personal files from social services and I bet there are not any because my parents are good parents. i am just disgusted when I read that file and it’s left me in a totally wreck and I am having to fight to get my records put right but this having an impact on me, I keep hearing my heart pounding loudly every time I get upset the truth is I was sexually abused as a child, bullied at school and then took out of school and left with no prospects and actions of vile people like the school and this psych they don’t realise what damage and harm they are doing
  6. I agree with you 100% and that is a good point I will put that in my complaint, thank you
  7. I was assessed by a therapist without even seeing or speaking to the psych and they somehow got my school records, medical history and made some nasty comments I mean real nasty victim blaming Apparently all my problems are due to me being emotionally unstable and it couldn't possibly have been my abusers or the bad things that happen, instead she said its due to my perspective and not fitting in to society and apparently they claimed my teachers said I was vicious in nature My school was filled with me being bullied and being kicked and stomped on and beaten in the taxi on the way to school What really gets to me is that she has no qualifications in the uk and she came too all of these conclusions about me without having ever seen me or spoken to me. I need to work out what rights I have under the GDP article 17 my right be forgotten I am livid and I just can't believe how horrible these forensic psychologists can be I am going after the said therapist by putting in a complaint She said that she doubts I will ever get better and says that she doesn't think I want to get better and people like this are in a position of authority, its just messed up and they I am the messed up one when they can't even read or type properly She claimed I was depressed and anxious from age 13 and saw doctors, I didn't see doctors until I was 18 my parents would not take me to the doctors growing up
  8. I keep fighting and getting knocked down and this time the knock was big, I never talked about it because I was taking my abusers to court and my lawyer just made a total mess of it and then ditched me and left me she had a medical report done, a psychological assessment without me even seeing a psych when I instructed them that I wanted a face to face near me but no, then without seeing me the psychologist made a report that was bad for my case and then my lawyer walks away not only have I lost my money I lost my compensation and I am in a bad place emotionally and I am debating leaking the tapes showing my abuse but all I know those tapes are my own personal hell and I can’t watch them without going off the deep end and they make me not want to be alive anymore, my offline support group have been quiet when I told em what happened I live in a crap world where people get away with doing bad things to me and I feel powerless
  9. my stalkers now have unmasked my photography account and started harassing myself and my followers so I just had to delete it with my years of artwork
  10. Thank you for all your kind replies, I am going through a really bad patch
  11. I am agony with my legs and I wake up and I went over drawn by 99p and they froze my wifes bank and would not say why so she couldn't help me out so I ended up traveling to put it right and got super cold and I am in so much pain that not even pain meds are working, on top of that I call dad for moral support and his new girlfriend answers and that was a awkward conversation and I miss my family I go online and I was targeted by campaigners and they kept trying to login to my facebook account so many times that I am locked out and this is ongoing and I just don't want to live anymore, My life is like that scene from back to the future where biff stole the book, altered the time line and caused an alternate universe, except I cant get out of this alternate universe where everything is horrible and I feel the world is crashing down around me Ive had such a bad day that I don't want to go to bed because I felt robbed of today. I looked out of the window on the way in to the bank and saw baby lambs, the first of the season, baby deer with their mum and I just wish I could get lost in the wilderness, maybe I should just take off but its so darn cold and my joins hurt severely maybe I need to go back and see the temp doctor again and see what they can do for the agony I am in, I wish I was on something that made me unable to feel my legs, the pain in them I mean I grew up being bullied, it continued outside of school and even continues now, "I am stalked by nasty people on kiwifarms" I lost my kin, I am stuck in a battle that I can't win and I live in pain and sorrow and the mental health people won't help me I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from causing my own destruction or maybe I am just too far gone, maybe I can't be helped. My mum was right when she said she didn't want me to learn computers at school, she was right to say they are evil things, the internet has ruined my life and I allowed it.
  12. I feel stupid for needing the hospital for a cat attack but the nurse said I did the right thing going to the hospital. My day started off badly I woke up and there was poo everywhere and I was half asleep and trod in it barefoot and it went downhill from there really, I cleaned it up with carpet shampoo and had to keep the cats from licking the foam bubbles, Then I noticed that Mia was covered in poo so I was going to go everywhere, so I gently tried to clean her with a wet wipe and she turned around and sunk her teeth deep in to my wrists and wouldn't let go and then with all of her paws she slashed at my hands and my wrist and I started to bleed and my skin turned a funny color I quickly ran to the sink and washed my hands and wrist and then it hurt like anything but I poured alcohol over my hand and I got dressed and without eating or anything went to A&E and was seen within 5 minutes, the nurses dressed it, gave me some tetanus shots and told me that cat bites and human bites are the worst kinds because the risk of infection was higher and she put me on antibiotics for a week after speaking to my doctor. I never have and never would harm animals, I was wiping her gently and she turned around and attacked me but the kind of person I am I would rather let an animal maul me or harm me than do anything I just sat there until she finished hurting me and let go of me, I didn't shout, I didn't get upset I just took it and took it until it seriously hurt me because I love animals more then I do people and more than I love myself, if it had been a dog or a bear or anything I would have been the same because animals mean the world to me, I would hurt a human if a human attacked me but never an animal. I love gods creatures and I am thankful to God that they are here in the world and I appreciate animals and love them, that's just me. The nurse she said what am I going to do about the cat as if to say am I doing to send her back to the shelter and I said I am not going to do anything, I told her that Mia has had a difficult life, she was abandoned by her owners and she cries if you go out food shopping because I believe she is worried that we will never come home, but that's never going to happen, this is her forever home and I meant that when I said it to the animal charity that she came from and this is the happiest she's been here, her coat is more healthy, shes more sociable now and always walks with her tail up and purrs. I feel low and down and I am worried that it will get infected but I am a bit obsessive about hygiene so I got some tea tree hand wash and some anti-back hand stuff and in about 20 minutes I have to finish cleaning up, clean the poor from the carpets, the shower, the kitchen floor where I stood in it and then I got to use sink unblocker, disinfect everything and then I got to clean the kitty litter as I do that daily and then, and only then can I relax and crash out. life has been pretty horrible lately, I've been ill, then this happened, then I got run down and got tooth issues, skin issues and I had a breakdown yesterday when my partner started raising her voice at me about money worries, then I thought about the loved ones I lost and I just started crying on a park bench, I had gone out yesterday to gather money by selling my things and then I got moaned at about how tight things are, its not my fault. it's not my fault that my partner decided she wanted a new gaming pc and blew £500 on parts and it's left us tight on cash, so I pawned in my iPhone and returned a couple of faulty things and that paid for food shopping and put £25 on each of the gas and electric meters, then I go online last night and people started saying horrible things to me, one guy in the session in the game told me I should go and harm myself, then at 3am the internet went down and we have a faulty line and I just took the maximum dose of pain meds and weed and I ended up getting so high that I fall asleep I am not coping, I am just ticking over, surviving one hour to the next until my psych appointment comes through. I am not happy that my other half wants another cat the third one when I can barely cope with two. Dinner times are traumatic because its a constant issue trying to stop them from eating my dinner, they try to put their tails in it, try to paw it and if you are not looking constantly they will dirty your food and eat it but at least we are on take out tonight. at least when I've done scrubbing the floor and the bathroom shower and the kitty litter I can just throw my feet up and rest my bones. I will stare at the RGB lighting on the pc I build for my other half and listen to music and play a few games because we share it, in the long run, it will save on electricity because when running games it is 150watts instead of the 500-600 watts the old monster of a desktop had, you sacrifice graphics but you don't need great graphics 720p is good enough for what we use I hope I did not come across as sounding like a jerk in this post, that was not my intentions. Jerry
  13. Whenever I wake up I all I see or hear on the news or the radio is death and hate and today I read two more lost their battle with depression and PTSD and society is failing these people just like it fails many people and it hurts me, I know I don't know these people but I care about them. One was someone in a game and the other in the news and I feel like we are living in dark times I sit here in a ton of pain and feel low and tearful, I am battling to sleep ok and I woke up at night and I struggle to get down the road to pick up groceries because my bones are in a lot of pain and when I awoke I was dehydrated, dizzy, had hunger pains and still had to make two trips before I ate but after I paid for my shopping I broke open a bottle of water and depleted it I have things to sell and things that need doing but I am not awake to do them other than looking after the cats which I manage, I need to return faulty things and sell a few things to get the money I need for food, my teeth are rotting and things are getting on top of me, I couldn't function enough to do the math I needed to work out the shopping cost so I ended up standing there for ages with a shopping cart counting, then losing count then miscounting, forgetting and then I just couldn't hand it so I put things back and got less, that is why I had to walk to the shops twice because when I realized I had some change left it would enough to buy more water and doughnuts I feel like I need someone to look after me because I am getting so bad that shopping is difficult.
  14. I wanted to build a new budget gaming rig (pc) and I got all the parts, it took me hours to get them all inside a tiny computer case and I hooked it all up and hit the power button and no sign of life, so I tried pushing all the connectors on firmly and then it came on but the debugger said VGA error and apparently its a common issue with MSI motherboards I've never got on with Amazon because I got a few faulty pc parts from there over the years and I just felt disparity and I felt angry and rage and I don't have a lot of resilience to stress ever since I got PTSD, I spent 8 hours trying to calm down after I took some pain meds and I can't remember if I had too many or if it was just the stress and the effects of the pain meds but I felt zoned out and zonked out, as if I was watching everything happen but I wasn't there and it scared me, I tried to relax tonight but the cats have really irritated me so have people on my game, I built a gaming pc as my laptop is dying and I don't really want another laptop because the new ones you can't swap or upgrade the parts easly anymore and you don't get the preformance on a budget so I wanted to build an Amd Ryzen system, its good enough for gaming, it all fits in a tiny pc case and it doesn't use a lot of electricity; just 150 watts. the cats kept climbing and jumping over everything and knocking everything down and then one of them attacked my hand badly again, one moment she was on my lap having a cuddle the next she bite and scratched my hand and really sank her teeth in and broke the skin so I am feeling battered and run down but I wish I didn't have to deal with anything. I end up having an argument with my partner today, maybe it was my PTSD but she swore she told me that she wanted me to come out grocery shopping but I don't remember that and I was hungry, we had no food and I needed to do at least an hours worth of chores before I could go out and we ended up arguing. Also my dad has found a new lady friend and they are close and she wants to be my facebook friend and I am not comfortable with that but at the time I don't want to seem impolite or anti-social but I've been toying with the idea of leaving Facebook for a while and starting just a profile for games only, so I told all my friends to join my new facebook account and once they have joined I will delete the post and a few other personal ones and I will just post once in a blue moon and accept her request I want my dad to be happy but I do not want to be friends or get to know his new lady friend at least not straight away, I need time I adjust and it's not her fault, she seems like a nice enough person but I loved my mom and I know she's been gone a long while now but I never got to grips with losing her and my brother and I feel cut off and isolated and my dad hardly ever wants to talk anymore since he met his new lady friend, I call him and he has some small talk and then he has to go and says speak later and this continues over and over so I don't call as much anymore, I figure what's the point when he hardly says much anymore and doesn't seem to have much time to talk I am in dire need of a dentist but mentally I can't cope going at the moment but they writing to me and harassing me to go and get treatment, I've explained to them that I have terrible anxiety and I don't cope and need to wait until I get therapy but they don't seem to get it. I am trying to get therapy but A: its slow and B: it's far away to travel the NHS website claimed that we have mental health here at my local hospital but they want to send me to another hospital further away which is pants. I miss how my life used to be when everyone was still alive and I would go places with my family and life was good, I had no ruined my life. That's the thing the thoughts in my head always tell me that everything's my fault, that I am to blame, that I am not good enough, that I ruin everything and that I am no good, I basically hate myself and my memory is poor and I believe it all, I think it's my poor mental health talking and some times I nearly talked myself in to hurting myself and It feels like an ongoing battle every day and I scared, I am truly scared because what if one day I lose and everything I care about and love, I could lose because I wouldn't be here anymore, my wife, my kittens my remaining family, my games, my comforts in life all gone because my negative thoughts I battle with. I mean tonight I got so low that I was looking at news article on ways people passed away and I was looking for ideas for me. I don't want to feel like that anymore, I want to enjoy my life but I feel so helpless, all I ever manage in a day is to wake up, look after the cats, I treat them better than I do myself, then I do what I can around the house, I eat, I go to bed and then I can't sleep and I stay away until I can't stay awake anymore and crash out exhausted and then I wake up and its groundhog day again, maybe I manage to play a game or listen to music but that's my life day in day out.
  15. I have been though a lot of stuff which has been a lot to cope with I was bullied a lot through my life, school was never a happy time and I was abused both mentally and sexually during my teen years and I feel hollow inside I have many battles going on and I am not getting much sleep and there's a storm When I have slept I have nightmares and I have health problems and I worried coz they seem to be getting worse and I am moving less and less The things that people have done to me are horrible and I don't know how to recover I have a therapist appointment coming up very soon but I don't know if it will help, I don't want an end up on medication I wonder if this is as good as my life gets I feel totally exhausted
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