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Everything posted by AnnonymousFJ

  1. I woke up this morning to a slug crawling on my face because this hole had kore holes than Swiss cheese and there’s just loads that needs doing but I’m not well. On top of my mental health issues I’ve been diagnosed with autism it’s official now apparently I have meltdowns related to that where I become overwhelmed and angry and I don’t know how to deal with I said meltdowns and I found out my friend husband cheated and then told my friend, hey I moving her in you got a week to pack up and leave and I wish I could help her but I’m broke and we only have one bedroom in this tiny apartment, I feel down about it all but I’m trying to be there for her so she’s not alone I wish I could do more, if I had an extra room I’d move her in, in a heart beat. I’m struggling with my partner because she’s not being very understanding in terms of my autism and the struggles I have with it and then she does things like put depressing music or movies on the tv which brings me down even more. I just done know what to do anymore I feel stuck and at a loss to know what to do anymore.
  2. Because of my autism I find many things traumatic and I’m spiralling down, I have sinusitis and dental pain because of that so even eating and drinking I’m finding painful so I don’t eat as much and I struggle to drink much so I’ve had to start taking pain meds and they are giving me terrible horror like nightmares, I woke up from one this morning and it was so bad that I was too scared to even go to the bathroom,I woke up dehydrated but I can’t cope with the nightmares or the pain, my dentist sacked me because I made a complaint about the poor treatment and now I have holes in my teeth and I can’t do much about it as it’s the only dentist near here. the roofs started leaking and it’s destroying the kitchen and I’m not well enough to fix it and I can’t afford to get it fixed, if it was down to me I’d remove the shoddy tiles in the extension and replace it with marine board which is waterproof and maybe put felt on top of that. I woke up feeling broken and these nightmares feel so real like it’s reality and I wake up feeling like they actually happened when it’s not even logical.
  3. I’m fed up with life, I can’t get on with people including my own partner abd it’s probably because of the autism that my therapist is certain that I have she said she’s going to diagnose me since the test have finished almost. I’ve got people harassing me and attacking me online, they are carrying out denial of service attacks on my router as I keep greeting booted out of my games and my router won’t come up unless I request a new IP address, I got doxed yesterday (someone posted my address on social media) they got banned for it and hate me even more now. My partner had a go at me for calling someone names who called me names also I feel stupid, childish and pathetic, I just don’t want to deal with people anymore not even my own partner. All there is to life is chores and nothing else. I’ve got nothing to look forward to, no purpose what’s the point. I’m so bitter and twisted that all I want to do is get revenge on people who are mean to me, I’m not made for this world and want to distance myself from people, not all people but maybe it’s a me problem, maybe I’m just too far damage
  4. After two sessions (had a session yesterday) I think the therapist believes I am autistic as I ticked so many boxes in the first assessment, it’s stressful as I don’t understand much about autism or what it means or what support there is but she thinks my dad might be autistic also and that’s why he show not much emotion. If I’m honest each session leaves in a bad place emotionally and I end up crying after, having to go over the past. Yesterday I didn’t know but apparently when I went to move in with my partner my dad emailed her trying to convince her to not let me move in, saying that I don’t get along with people and that I am bad with money, basically anything he could to put her off of me which made me sad, I mean who does that to their family. It’s a lot to take in and I feel a overwhelmed and numb.
  5. My new therapist thinks I may be autistic and she’s going to test me and she sent me forms to fill in, one form is for me, the other my dad and the third one is for someone who’s known me well more recently, however my dads just ignoring me, he always make false promises to help but then doesn’t, I don’t know if they can still assess me if my dad refuses, one things for sure if he does then I’m finished with him because he has let me down too many times in the past 6 years. It almost as if he stopped giving a dam. I basically gave up a month of therapy to focus on this and it’s upsetting me.
  6. I can relate, however the pain meds at least help for a little while in my case of RA. Therapy is good, I think I found a good therapist one who seems to want to help me and is also assessing me to see if I am autistic so I get to see her again in the new year which is a positive thing.
  7. I’m winter my depression gets worse as the weather and temperature drops, the pain my joints are in, increases badly and my skins turned bad from stress (sore) so for the past few days I’ve not manage to sleep or leave bed, at 8am I passed out after taking some cbd oil and it finally got me to sleep and I’m basically living on CBD and pain medicine prescribed to me and maybe for 4 hours I feel okay, but my pain makes me grumpy and I snap and shout and I’m not proud of that. My depression makes it impossible to do anything unless it’s simple. I can clean the pets and feed them because it’s simple but I can cook unless it’s simple, the issue is not much food that we have is simple, I just need simple meals that have a set time and temperature and doesn’t need stirring half way through. I am a person who copes with grazing on finger food you know something I can just grab and eat but we don’t have much grazing food. I’m still trying to figure out what works but I’m failing. Thursday I have my first therapy but I can’t really be open because of half of the darkness that enters my mind like feeling suicidal because I don’t want to be shipped off to hospital, I did that before and it didn’t help me.
  8. I’m glad that I’m not alone in feeling the same way. I couldn’t have put it better myself. I also don’t care what other people think I just want to be happy and be me
  9. A lot of people might find this weirdo but I did some research and came across age regression articles and they claim to help some people with their anxiety and depression and even ptsd so that is what I am going to do because I am childish and never really grew up, other people use it to help deal with trauma. As silly as it sounds I enjoy watching cartoons like Ben & Hollies Little Kingdom, raccoons tv show, Raggie Dolls. I don’t know what my partner will think , hopefully she’s supportive but if not oh well. I brought some plushies, some dvds of my favourite childhood series and a pacifier for adults, one that doesn’t mess up your teeth like a baby pacifier would and I plan on spending time as the child that I feel that I am inside. I’ve reached the stage where I can’t cope with daily life, the stress, the worry and dealing with other people, it’s crushing my soul, when I am being little in a way I just let go of it all for a while to just snuggle up with a soft toy and let the stress and upset of the day go and watch my tv shows, my partner seems happy to watch these cartoons also that’s a plus. This is probably going to sound wrong but being an adult isn’t much fun at times, there’s responsibilities, worry, stress and people have motives and the past and other people has changed me and I feel like I am loosing myself. Lately it’s been nothing but worry about teeth, health, money, dealing with people trying to scam me and it’s sent me over the edge. Life has battered and beaten me over the past 25 years, it made me sad, angry, confused and insecure to the point where I don’t want to leave the house and If I go out I have constant anxiety or panic if I need the bathroom and there isn’t one near by, I go as far as crying because it stems from the neglect I suffered as a child.
  10. I was doing okay up until a couple of days ago and then depression hit me hard and I've been unable to leave my bed or my home. My medication usually helps me but it’s not been today. I’ve been getting worse and considering starting a end of life fund so I can save up for that, I figured I've got to last 15 or 20 years to make sure my pets are okay but after then maybe I can weigh up my options. I don’t have my health, my teeth are rotting to the point that I can’t eat easily and most days I can’t leave the house and I’m inactive and I find little joy in the things I used to. I’ve been trying to get help and waiting for years and they finally send me an appointment and it’s to somewhere I can’t travel to so I am really miffed about that and put in a complaint, my pets are the only thing keeping me going right now, I love them very much. I should be getting exercise because of my high blood pressure or I should be on meds for that but I just don’t care anymore, I fail at so many things including life, I can’t hold down a job, I can’t get an income all I can do is lay here and because it’s damp where I live I suffer from a lot of pain and basically live on tramadol so I can even walk because my joints lock up and the pain is severe. I don’t know how I got this way or how I fell so far but I don’t have any fight left in me
  11. Just feeling angry and uptight as the day has been one of those days where everything goes wrong well the whole weeks been like that really
  12. I don’t cope when things go wrong I get anger and feel rage and today everything went wrong my tv started to act up, the picture became milky and washed out everywhere you plug anything in to the hdmi, so I tried different cables, different devices, different settings and nothing worked and when you press a button on the remote it took about 5 minutes for the menu to appear so it drove me nuts so out goes to tv from the bed room and in comes the tv from the living room and problems solved, next problem, the cat runs away and by this point I feeling terrible from living heavy TV sets and messing around with cables but we go out searching for him and we found him. I am so stressed and wound up that I won’t sleep and my tummy will be upset. I am deeply depressed and little things drive me nuts and make me really angry like the fact my other half won’t sell on eBay any more after someone threatened me so it means I get 50% less for everything selling it in to a pawn shop and it’s really hurt me financially and then the smoke alarms keep going off every 5 minutes and there’s no smoke, there’s no fire but it’s one of these weird all electric and battery smoke alarms that works off of the main electricity and has a backup battery and even having a shower the steam seems to set it off and even the cats using the cat try seem to set it off it’s weird. I’ve checked our home from top to bottom and there is nothing hot, nothing is smoking and nothing is on fire. The stress is ******* me and my mood and I am short and grumpy. One things for sure I will never have another Phillips tv again as this one has been the worst ever.
  13. I feel at my wits end and don’t know what to do anymore. My partner buster her leg on the golf course so we just been stuck at home and I barely leave bed because I’m terribly depressed and feeling unwell and my father he make false and empty promises, it’s like he said mums pension she was underpaid and he was going to look in to claiming back as she’s dead and he said I could have the money so I gave him the details who to contact and I don’t think he will ever do it and I can’t. Money is a problem but if I got the money I’d probably be tempted to use it to go abroad to die. Staying a live feels harder every day because of emotional and physical pain and feel exhausted. I miss going out but feel to scared to go out alone because when you not been out in a long time it feels alien and scary like it’s safe at home in our little nest and bed. I just can’t keep my mood up at the best of times.
  14. I have been struggling feeling ill and my hands, fingers toes have gone numb and my skin flakes off and bleeds and I feel very rundown and feel defeated like I don't have any fight left in me anymore. Even trying to exercise or do chores exhaust me and I'm extremely depressed and anxious and I feel like admitting defeat and giving up. I've no life left in me and all I want to do is sleep.
  15. this is Lady she’s our new kitten and so loving
  16. I care, because I know how horrific it is to lose a mum and on the day I lost mine I broke down in hysterics like someone had ripped my heart out and the only way I could cope was to be sedated. I was there for my family and stayed with them by moving near for months until I wasn’t wanted anymore and discarded. All I have left if her photo on my wall and her jewellery. I love animals and I’ve surrounded myself with them and I cherish them more than people and nature also. When I was having a bad day the other day I walked to the beach on an empty tummy and just laid down in the sand and looked up at the sky and the sounds of the sea grounded me and helped me to feel ok for a short while. My mum radiated love and didn’t have a mean bone her in body and then it was gone when she passed away. One day I was on the phone with her most of the day and we laughed and she was happy and the next day she was gone. I struggling with the things that go on in this world every time I turn my screen on, so I am trying a digital detox by switching to a old retro phone as my main phone and just use my spare phone in the evening for checking in but most things I read online, especially in the news triggers me. My pets have been a god send, my kitten and cats, I will see if I can attach a photo. They are my rocks and I love them
  17. That’s exactly how I feel when my mum left. The world became a dark and cold place and I’ve never really recovered. I put a lot of energy in to fighting and I am burnt out and if I rest like I need to I gain weight and I don’t get on with many people. I've spent the last week being triggered with my ptsd and the little energy I have I’ve been fighting the doctors to get treatment and I’m basically being ignored by them and my father barely gives me the time of day, I never think he had much interest in helping me in life I mean my mum wanted dad to teach me his trade but he could never be bothered and I didn’t get far in life. I think I have neurological issues after having the vaccine because my fingers, toes and arms keep going numb most of the time. I feel ignored by my partner. All there is to do really in watch tv and wait to get older than I already am. I was so ill today that I went to the garden at 7am and finished a bottle of wine and I was sitting there in a harden chair in the pouring rain and I didn’t care that it was raining or that I was getting soaked I just needed to be out of the house. I guess these four walls can grind you down
  18. I live in a world where I feel alienated where I can’t get help and I’m loosing to the darkness I call my mental health so I am sitting out in the pouring rain so I could be alone and drink to stop feeling so stressed and horrible. I can’t stand my partner she means well but won’t give me a moments peace and I just hate being alive . I can’t get treatment.
  19. I spoke to the other doctors surgery and asked if they are taking new patients and I explained why I wasn’t happy with my current GP surgery and they said “sure just come in and fill in new patient forms” so I will do that. In the meantime I will request a months worth or new medication and collect that, then fill out the forms and be done with that doctor practice. Life’s to short to put up with poor behaviour from doctors.
  20. The pandemics really trashed things in this country, just like in others. The train service is worse it’s ever been and trying to get medical treatment is tricky. I partner was supposed to have a scan to see where her bleeding was coming from but that got cancelled. Getting a appointment for these issues apparently the only place that can offer treatment is 4 and half hours away by train and we don’t have any other transport. Yes medical treatment is free but people pay NHS contributions to help fund the NHS which comes out of wages, but even so it’s like certain medial treatments are taking a back seat due to the pandemic. I will let you know how I get on
  21. In the uk we don’t have a lot like that, the best I can hope for it what I did, I emailed the CEO / chairman and put in a complaint and I got a response to say they sent it to the complaints team to look in to, but I explained the issue to my doctor and the people at the hospital and they just shrugged and said we are sorry you can’t make it have a nice day, but for now I’ve resorted to having vitamin K in vegetables to help my blot clot better than it should. In the next few days I will change doctors if possible and push to get help but because of the pandemic the public transport in the uk is total chaos with only a handful of trains a day, bus replacement and they expect you to make it there and back home by 5pm because that is when the last train is which is really mean, it used to be 10pm at night the last train.
  22. I spoke to the doctor today and she was really horrible and bullied me for not being able to travel 4 and half hours to be examined by a specialist, I explained that the last train home leaves during the appointments and I am vulnerable and can’t sleep on a park bench all night and she just kept on and on about how if it was her she would be jumping at the appointments and I’m sorry but I filed a complaint immediately after. There are two hospitals close by one is a ten minute walk the other is 45 mins away but they choose to send me 4 hours 30 mins away. My new plan is to sack my doctors, register with a new doctors and firstly see if there is anything they can prescribe to stop the bleeding and then still push through with my complaint to the chairman of the hospital department and get a closer appointment or help getting there but I got to concentrate about making it through today because I woke up to bleeding again, another two kittens died from fading kitten syndrome and I’m severely dehydrated and had to dig a grave for my beloved 3 week old kittens and I am not in a good place, but I am going to survive.
  23. I had complications from a medical procedure that went wrong and that was 8 years ago. Whenever my blood gets thing and it’s naturally thin, then I have terrible bleeds when I use the bathroom I can feel it happening and I see the blood everywhere, so the o my hope I have is if I run back to bed and put a towel down an elevate my body and pray that it stops. I struggle with the sight of blood at the best of times. I thought that maybe after all of these years it would stop but it happened again. The first time it happened I screamed down the phone to my mum that I was dying because that’s how bad it gets, For a long time I wouldn’t go out and if I did I would be scared that any moment it would happen. I’ve tried to get help but the doctors are clueless and nobody is seeing patients because of the pandemic so I feel like a dead man walking, I’m pretty sure it’s causing me be anaemic, all I do is sleep and get breathless and it’s scary, part of me would like an escape plan I’m case I have something terminal but the other part of me is terrified and not knowing what to do. I could call for help but if the bleeding stops, they can’t figure out where it’s coming from, I’ve had scans, once I was in A&E for a week because of it and in that time they found out nothing other than I had an infection but they couldn’t tell the cause and it’s just causing me no end of distress and the not knowing. I could be out and i could have the bleed and nowhere to easily lie down and no way of getting clean or applying pressure and I wonder what if it never stops one time, what if the next time is the last time, I can’t imagine what it would be like to loose a terrible amount of blood from medical issues but I can imagine it would be a very terrible thing
  24. Feeling really flat, low and lost, tried filling my day with movies after I did the chores
  25. I’m struggling with pain but I’m setting that aside because one of our kittens is struggling, she’s three weeks old and weak (runt of the litter) she’s struggling to feed, not only competing with her brothers but she struggles to find and attach on to mummy to feed, my partner woke me at 5am this morning expressing concern so I went in to the store and got kitten milk and managed to feed her a little, but then I went in to town to get kitten formula and syringe and I sterilised everything and made up w batch of milk and she had a better feeding and she seems to be improving. She’s really tiny but she seems to be gaining weight, I am hoping and praying that she will survive, if she didn’t I would spiral in to a deep depression because animals mean the world to me and I love them more that life. I’m extremely tired and feel low, but I know even if it takes 6 weeks or so of interrupted sleep to feed baby kitten I will do it. I named her Lady because she’s special and felt that name fitted someone special. I know if we both survive the next 6 weeks we can survive anything. Feeding her is difficult but I learned what to do and to make sure we feed her the right way up and just hoping my efforts will get her through. Her mummy cat had given up and kicked her out of the basket and kept carrying her away but now she’s doing better she’s staying in the basket with mummy so at least she can keep warm and mummy can help her use the bathroom but in prepared to do what it takes to help. I guess I see a lot of myself in Lady because I struggle to survive in many ways but I’m a fighter just like her and no matter what I will always love her. I will get through the day one step at a time and hopefully so will she. It should be easier tomorrow if the bottle comes and works out because syringes are not very user friendly in terms of releasing the milk slowly but the bottle will hopefully. I sometimes wonder or ask what my purpose is in life or what I’m doing here but even if it’s just helping a kitten survive I will be happy. The other two kittens are healthy and massive for kittens like their dad but Lady she’s about half of the size and you can feel her bones in places and she can’t walk as good as the others but she’s a real fighter, every step that she makes is a blessing and I hope I see her grow in to a beautiful cat. She’s a long haired tabby cat just like her daddy and she’s part Bengal cross , and part long haired tabby but either way I’ve decided we are keeping her
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