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OtherKin

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About OtherKin

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    Mississippi, USA
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    Other people, metaphor, ki, chakra, healing arts, wisdom of life, occult knowledge of creation, experiencing sensing and living more in 6th dimensional consciousness and mindful perception, fitness and tai-chi

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  1. ... my loving beliefs, even if and especially when I am in a negative mood, and combat any reasoning or reasoning schemas distorted by negativity (e.g. cognitive distortions), trying to suck me back into rumination, sadness, depression, anger, resentment, or bitterness. Mind and energy seem funny like that. We have virtually complete conscious control over the energy and feelings we keep in our bodies, so long as one does not tune it out of awareness. What energy feelings or emotions one wills or habituates to keep in the body and mind awareness can persist for a long time (potentially even causing psychosomatic illness), but the emotions (i.e. the body's response to the mind) and body feelings hold power over one only if one lets them (or is compelled by a reflex or survival instinct). Our thoughts and beliefs have no more power than being verbal-symbolic information to understand concepts and make verbally thought out decisions with. Thoughts are not reality itself (they are a part/element/flavoring of it) or objective truth itself (though they can be true or false or any combination/degree of with respect to objective reality/fact), they are only information that goes through a very computationally-complex reasoning process, reflected in the activity of billions and billions of transistor-like neurons, to be attended to and/or thought about or ignored, accepted or rejected, etc., with very great freedom of will. So, I should hopefully be pretty free to stop/prevent ruminating on and giving credence/power to anything that influences me to be bitter or resentful towards God. [continue post previously referenced]
  2. Oof, what happened to the rest of my post at the end of that second-to-last text block? Now I will have to re-formulate and re-type it doh :(.
  3. Epictetus, I still got it ya :)? The schizophrenia side of my mental illness hasn't eaten away that gift after all :); your insight and words of support and encouragement are dear to me and very helpful and wonderful to hear :D! Thank you for reading through my complaining and troubles with life, I feel that my rant is a bit spoiled but hopefully on some level it resonates with others who have faith struggles with soul-crushing angst and disappointments. Thank you so much for your intuitive feedback and compliments Caldmood :D! I think that I could be destroying something very precious if I keep unrepentantly harboring bitterness and resentment. I've already tried so hard to do just that out of a spiteful willfulness to have nothing and self-destruct if I had to tolerate average anything (it is completely unrealistic to be one of billions of highly complex, multi-faceted living creations of God and not have at least some things in common with a lot of others, and perhaps likewise to have nothing that is unique), and I regret it, but I'll be sure to cherish and nurture what is left and welcome in new goodness and light even if the consequences involve loss of anything I had going for me. Over the course of my life, especially in my early formative years in elementary school, I've hurt and attacked myself so much over being told or implied by overbearing, strict school staff that I was bad or misbehaving, even hitting/banging my head hard into concrete walls. I remember at the time that I was trying to punish myself/my brain for not working right and not doing what I wanted it to do, even to the point of jeopardising what I already had and my future. Again, regrets, and im still somewhat angry at the teachers for ignoring what I was doing to myself, instead prioritizing the absolute rule of their draconian disciplinary policy and still punishing/disciplining me for (not being able to control) my adhd-like disruptive behavior. They were mean and ice cold like refrigerators and had no empathy, and it really makes me wonder how they could have thought any good of themselves even if they thought they were doing right by dutifully following the school code; how could they have ignored their basic humanity, emotions, and conscience as they shouted, barked, or bitterly rebuked children (and I wonder the same about bullies)? Some of the staff under the same code were truly angels, so I'm sure the many just used the school code to excuse or justify their negative interactions with us. It is a complicated story but the school administration did recognize that I needed a diagnosis, which got me from a local university a then-eclectic diagnosis of the then little known and studied autism. Given my difficulties and the nature of the one-size-fits-all public education system, I'm over thirty and still haven't really found my way in life. Purpose is exactly what I need to contribute to society in a career-field, knowledge, and/or inventive way and satisfy that yearning, which definitely I need to form a good, clearer picture of. Thankfully, this has bothered me less since in the meantime I think I'm getting the worst out of the way, feeling a better sense eternal security and purpose as I've worked to overcome my philosophical angst-driven rebellion against God and life. There has been a lot written on the internet and in books about the spiritual dangers of murmuring, bickering, and complaining, anger finally turning into bitterness and resentment, and how it is important to trust completely in God or the universe always doing things for our highest good, lest we trust in something else or nothing at all and become lost. Reading many of those articles, though they be good at warning about the danger, I left with more questions than answers about how to find a reason or the strength to accept or forgive the unacceptable. I found myself gladly choosing hell or destruction over putting up with or trusting in any more heavenly-inspired plans or trials for my life if I couldn't have what I wanted and not get what I wanted not to get. I want to elaborate more on how I feel that my clear and blissful mood, emotions, and beliefs do against the negative bitterness and resentment-based ones. First, it has been a great blessing to have learned to be able to read my body's (including the brain) emotional (EMotion is Energy and Motion) and energetic makeup/state and center/ground myself by "pushing out" / "dissolving" unwanted or negative emotion/feeling/energy. The same can likewise be done with positive or high vibrational energy if one identifies with and gives power to the negative instead, so I do my best to dissolve those old thinking patterns and any (associated) negative energies, opting for a clear or peaceful sense of feeling/being and nurturing any positive vibes and thoughts as they come and go. I am happier to have bi-polar than schizophrenia, because it has been easier to identify the "disease process" and work towards recovery, gaining insight and self knowledge along the way. For me, depression usually happens when I identify with and ruminate on a negative narrative/thought pattern about my life, and mania happens when (usually triggered by something really positive or profound) I am so excited with seemingly good-feeling but turbulent, chaotic, overwhelming emotions mixing with negative warning-sign emotions, much like a craving addiction to, say, sugar, which feels both good and bad at the same time. Thankfully as well, psychosis and it's delusions, though negative in themselves, have taught me some invaluable wisdom. Since learning about them I have been fascinated with extrasensory perception and higher consciousness like 5D awareness, but after experiencing at least some of what would go along with being able to see or communicate with spirits, such as having to have pure thoughts when communicating telepathically with spirits and inevitably having a flood of unwanted accidental automatic negative thoughts that I would have to prevent accidentally directing at spirits, I've learned my lesson about things and responsibilities that can go with the territory of being able to do said things which make the grass not so green on that side after all. It is true what they say about being careful what you wish for. Also, having disability from mental illness has made possible a practically stress-free life, surrounded by a loving support group, wherein I have the opportunity to pursue the knowledge, meditation and transcendental consciousness (not taught in the indoctrinating no self knowledge public education system) I've wanted to alongside religion. I'm not upset about the suffering of mental illness itself, involving unpleasant and dysphoric emotions and feelings and even physical sickness from sleep deprivation, I'm upset sometimes over how it has cost me spiritually and mentally and how ironic it is to suffer from other's actions and end up with no compensation like eccentric inspiration and genius, but instead losing even more of myself to a physical brain disease of sorts as medical literature notes. But deep down I know that it isn't the things of the world that can hurt my soul or drive a wedge between myself and God or cause true loss, it is only the power that I give the world to do that which is what causes true problems for me. I end up getting stuck on the idea that the more time I have been stuck recovering from psychosis, the more my life has been put on hold and the less time I have to master and get really good at something and experience potentially exponential growth in my ability to contribute (I suppose this is essentially an attachment to generating positive karma (and an intolerance or unforgiveness of generating negative karma)), preferably enough to have a legacy. I say to myself so many times that since this is what I've always believed since toddlerhood then this is what I should believe or am entitled to. How did I end up getting that idea I wonder to myself. Probably from willfully and spitefully clinging to childhood dreams I felt were denied to me because of bad experiences growing up and blaming genetics. Many times I feel that it it takes many lifetimes of spiritual development and evolution to get a body or genetics like Einstein or Ghandi. I thought that I looked to them for inspiration when instead my young and emotionally confused mind was jealous of them. I wanted to have perfect attendance in the spiritual hall of fame for every incarnation. I felt that my overriding desire since toddlerhood to be perfectly good had to have been with me since my first incarnation, and I was determined to have a perfect record with a meteoric rise in life and in spirit. Yet after so long being in and experiencing the torture of trying and poorly fitting the mold of public education as a socially-awkward special needs kid and being diagnosed with an average iq, I came to believe that I came in to this life with lots of bad karma and possibly an average, if that, good karma, and my spirit was utterly crushed. I just practically gave up trying until high-school, believing that people and their abilities don't change because they're mostly hard-coded by unchanging and deterministic dna and physics. I have trouble saying this is my fault as a young child still learning the basics, except as far as I inherited my personality characteristics from possibly having past lives, but I can definitely say that one would be hard pressed to find a school anywhere where the whole individual is considered rather than just one's industrial/career potential - the whole world, primarily it's institutions, seems so corrupt and antithetical to human rights and needs it's scary. Reading spirituality about heavenly spirits and the character of God piles heaping coals on my head for the blasphemous thoughts and things I've said against The Standard of love and forgiveness. In my times of positivity lucidity, reading these resources on and being in my humbled prayers to God I feel absolutely awful and without a case, and I am left wondering how can I become worth my weight in salt instead of bitter bile and make it up to God or be forgiven. When I am positive I am left wondering what sort of emotional craze and rational-feeling irrationality drove me to be so angry at Him even while knowing at the time that "God is Love." I feel reprehensible. When I am triggered into a negative mood I feel like my loving thoughts for God were/are empty and my true self unrepentantly bitter, so I need to better be able to call upon Thank y'all so much for the support , I thought my mind had been thoroughly addled by schizophrenia and my spirit by self-hatred and blasphemy, but y'all rebooted my perspective :D! I feel like my old negative beliefs about myself and life are well weakening and losing their power over me, God Bless! Im open to any further support and discussion here with any/everyone :)!
  4. I have autism, schizophrenia, bi-polar type II, and likely borderline personality disorder. I am a Christian but I believe neither that the Bible is neither free from error nor the exclusive source of revelation from God. I heavily draw from near-death experiences to form ideas about God's unconditional love, the purpose of life, the existence and reason for suffering, the nature of judgment, and reincarnation. I daily meditate on love and inner peace, and often times I feel free of any negativity, "scar tissue," or baggage weighing me down, with a sense of contentment from being free of negative energy, free of physical sickness, quietness of mind and thought, and a supporting environment from a loving family. But when I slip into negative thinking patterns (this tends to happen, sometimes daily, strangely after the sun goes down), I become full of resentment and bitterness and free of any positivity to combat the negative beliefs and emotions that threaten to divide me from God and drag my soul to hell. I have thought and said so much blasphemy in my anguish since first experiencing psychosis 9 years ago, but fortunately I have been able to keep those eruptions of hatred at bay except for with my darkest of dark moods. Honestly, it is a miracle that I am not completely overtaken by resentment and bitterness, because there is good in my life with family that I can appreciate. I don't know what my true self is, the peace seems real but so does the negativity that creeps up and consumes my thoughts The nature of my anguish revolves around the idea that child abuse, especially to a disabled, vulnerable (and particularly weak child that I was) youth, is a really bad, terrible terrible thing, because it takes egregious evil to do and it is especially damaging to the victim (I have blamed my adulthood life sentence of mental illness and crushed dreams on it). So, how could God allow such a thing to happen to anyone, and why did it happen to me especially, since, to make matters worse, I was and am a highly sensitive individual, and I have always hated hated hated pain and suffering, only to get not minor "scrapes and bruises" of normal life that would have been challenging enough, but large doses of it instead, not being properly initiated in a way that would allow me to mature and grow. Instead, I went from being vibrant outgoing and joyful to being a spiritually-crushed emotional wreck that will forever be stuck at the developmental age of a pre-teen. I had had such big dreams of being smart/genius enough to be an inventor or discoverer of new knowoedge, doing something like unlocking the genetic code, inventing virtual reality, or understanding and sharing new spiritual truths, but instead here as well I was given a life sentence of average intelligence, where I would be lucky to be able to understand the basics of life while pushing a broom, flipping a burger, running a cash register, or some other menial purpose. Then I wanted so badly to evolve beyond my average limitations, to prove wrong matter over mind with mind over matter, only to suffer psychosis and life-sentence neuro-degenerative mental illness. It is as if God took everything I wanted out of life and took it out of my life and allowed for stuff to happen to me to severely stunt my growth. In spite of all this I have been the purest and kindest soul I could be, doing many acts of kindness and love, trying to make the world a better place, but my disappointment over not getting the life I wanted, not "being ahead of the bell curve" (with the hand of cards I was dealt) is a serious problem that I have with God and is dragging me to hell. "If only," I think to myself, "I could have my cake and eat it too like so many gifted people, having a good life and being blessed at the same time. Instead, I get a bad life and I'm ungifted but disabled in other ways. Oh how good of a worker I have been for good, just imagine what all I could have done for humanity if I was gifted. But nooo, I only get one talent instead of the ten I have always wanted. If God would have just made me gifted enough that I could have accomplished my dreams, then He would have had me." I've always had that mindset, but have been denied, denied, denied. How can a God make someone like me who has always wanted so much but got so little, instead of there being an alignment between deep desire and ability that allows for fulfillment, and expect me to accept Him. Why didn't He make me someone that had no dreams or ideas of justice or being put in a more hospitable environment/world instead, so I wouldn't have had to face such disappointment and injustice. I needed less suffering to grow (instead of being stuck perpetually a pre-teen), and more giftedness to do greatness for humanity. Maybe it isn't God Himself that I wanted after all, but growth, ability, enlightenment, and power to do good. But if I had all of those, I would have had what I wanted from God, I could have made the world a better place with my intelligence and unchecked kindness, and choosing Him would have been easy. But here I sit, drawing funds from society instead of contributing to it, undoubtedly polluting the universe with my negative, bitter vibes and causing with that energy who knows what bad things to happen who knows where, perhaps me being on the way to being one less soul in God's plan/orchestra - and I argue that most of that is the fault of the faultless God because He didn't give me that little thing of giftedness I so desperately have always wanted. The suffering I endured didn't humble me or make me a better person or draw me to depend on God, it just made me angrier and more disappointed that I was average but disabled because of the hand of cards God dealt me. But God can have me if I can be convinced that He didn't have this happen to me so that I would let fall away my life-long desires of giftedness and greatness to look to Him instead of having giftedness and greatness AND Him. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too, and I want my place in His creation to be one of high status instead of averageness. If it is supposed to be average, then I shouldn't have been created with such deep desires for greatness then deeply disappointed by adding the insult of child emotional and physical abuse to the injury of average ability with disability then mental illness.
  5. Visual Snow Syndrome? (or some kind of visual anomalies/disturbances?), sleeping 3-6 hours a night every night, memory problems with day-to-day life and distant memories past. Cognitive problems possibly but the memory problems are more of a thing than anything. The above has been coming on for almost a year now. I don't know what I should do because everyone tells me not to worry it's just mental illness. I don't drive and I'm cared for by family because of mental illness, or I'd possibly be seeing a doctor for being basically disabled / incapacitated and unable to tend to my own needs independently because of the above.
  6. Maybe. I could use the forums more (in my support network). It's been a while since I've been here but it seems almost impossible to completely rid ourselves of some bite. Its a cruel world but are things supposed to be this way for our ultimate good - otherwise nothing would push out outside our comfort zones and we wouldn't otherwise grow and life wouldn't even exist without the harshness of nature - from within and without? Heck, even Earth, as bad as things get here, is relatively hospitable without any significant extinction events going on at the current time in a vast sea of empty airless suffocating space. Still, that doesn't change the fact that I still detest this arrangement of things. Why does life have to hurt - especially given that my introduction to it was filled with verbal and emotional abuse - especially because I was at a relatively well-to-do public school but was too autistic to fit in without being singled out by staff and picked on by bullies. What a sucky introduction to life - or could that not be more apt - why does life have to take a blessed angel of a golden child and do every damn thing possible to **** him up mentally - all the while the circumstances aren't particularly extraordinary but just everyday stuff with public schools and teachers unions back then. Still, that puts me in the same position of being the biter and the accuser of these mean people. These times are long past me, but being loving and kind and forgiving didn't work back then (like how I've always wanted the whole world to get along and be friends), what can I do? Forgiveness, yes, but in this same spirit of love and kindness, how can I as someone not let others walk on me without presenting the same air of the problem to them (conflict-reduction instead of tit-for-tat) and being a part of the problem again instead? I thought life was supposed to make us stronger, now I'm so timid even DF gives me problems sometimes. Problems huh? What would we do without them? Thanks DF for helping us talk it out. It's a pretty safe space and nest egg to do so compared to other places on the net and life. So, still, I suppose my ultimate goal of being invulnerable in a safe world isn't being met (wouldn't everyone want this lol ), but maybe I'm becoming more knowledgeable as a start (Edit: So, I'd say yes DF has helped me !) .
  7. Hey everyone again. It hasn't exactly been smooth sailing since. It seems mindfulness is only half the picture, the psyche still has to process its contents - it's just happening in the present moment. My main thing is that I form anger and hate-based "contracts" with my past, myself, and God based on what I find unacceptable, and the real ****ed up thing of the matter is that I've found that the more I want something the less I get it. The more I hate something, the more present it is in my life. The more depressed / sad / out of sorts I am, the less able people are able to comfort me (or the more unpleasant I become) and the worse off I become, therefore causing a feedback loop. Those who cultivate meaning in their lives get more of it, while those who curse their meaninglessness end up with what they hate in a way. I understand this is just cause and effect in this fallen world, we don't have angels present to heal people with God's standard of love, we only have each other. But damn am I mad that things work that way. The Universe seems to be rigged to reward those who play by its rules of the natural order, and if its anything like, for example, emotion, most of it is pain and suffering to get to that nugget of joy. If one does not find life acceptable, complaining and murmuring, and bickering, it punishes those who are shocked by it and can't accept it - no matter how good of a person they are. It will turn them against itself and themselves until they eat their words, and I just find this deeply insulting. That I was supposed to learn the hard way how not to be selfish (by being teased and ridiculed and called names and made to feel small) instead of simply being loved and taught and made to realize my potential pisses me off. I'm damaged now, a scratched CD, a beat up car, and I ****ing hate it. I hate having a starting point at say, for sake of analogy, 5,000 feet, hitting rock bottom, then having to get back to baseline with all that wasted time and unwanted pain, instead of being where I would have rather been all along. What good can come of suffering, as far as I understand, is only grace. It only happens in spite of suffering, after a long, downward spiral. However, maybe this is an almost universal experience on Earth, and maybe a "pain-free" life is really bad for some reason in the spirit of truth for the way things are on Earth. There's lots of pointless suffering to go around because, as Sartre said, "Hell is other people," and if I count my blessings then most of that evaporates away and I can see my suffering simply as an introduction to the collective energy of the planet. If I were in a position to not be subject to bathing in that energy, then who are the ones that are not and would be the company I would be with? It may be the case that these people are people of power for the most part and are the ones making life miserable for everyone, and then they isolate themselves in comfort (otherwise, one has to go through suffering first and find peace to create a space of peace in an otherwise dark world). I can definitely understand that my imagination may not be realistic when I imagine others' perfect lives, and I would choose suffering over that anytime.
  8. Just yesterday morning to afternoon was great, I was feeling quite well and happy and content to be where I was at in life. Then a switch flipped and I was triggered and I'm cursing God with my thoughts with my Dr. Jekyl / Mr. Hyde personality. Who is the real me ?
  9. I am now in the best of moods. Euphoria. It's been a fantastic day so far. I am in a mindful, forward-oriented mindset now. Lets see if I can unravel it... I now have a high-performance computer from falcon northwest, that is bleeding edge top tier. Here is my a part of my review of it so far, " ...I use this computer a lot, and moving from my old computer, getting used to the instantaneous speed of this one has actually transferred to speeding up my life in general. I think more quickly, am more efficient at every task, and am happier in general. " I am in the best physical health that I have ever been in, I have limitless energy to accomplish anything, and I only need 4 hours of sleep a night (I am a short sleeper), and I am generally a happy and empathic person. I should have plenty of time to prepare and train for some kind of career I can do from home. I want to and see that I can pursue my dreams and not depend on others for happiness. But now at least, my life is absolutely amazing, except that I don't know how to cope with two things: 1. I wanted to be/have xyz... What was the point of all the pointless suffering that I had to endure to get there? I posted about it in: 2. I'm fasting and not hungry right now. It's so much easier for me to be happy when I'm not having to cope with vorarephilia. So, it isn't all bad. I don't think I'll ever be suicidal but I don't want to jeporadize my relationship with God with such depressed/self-loathing / angst with God moods that come and go as though a switch were flipped. They both seem real while I'm in these moods.
  10. Hello everyone, I'm still pretty new to the forums but long story short, I've come here to depression forums for support with several mental illnesses, including high-functioning autism, schizophrenia, and bi-polar (perhaps borderline personality) disorder. Pleased to meet everyone here in eating disorders and I hope I can find others who have had similar struggles with eating. It's a very embarrassing topic and hits close to home, but I'm at the end of my rope almost and hope for support. The dynamic of the members of the natural order being mutually dependent on each other by eating each other drives me nuts, and it has for the most part gotten worse since childhood (I was practically born with this fixation, having what is known as vorarephilia since I was in diapers still). Even with vorarephilia, I haven’t come across anyone who has problems with eating because of it, and I am still easily triggered and shaken by anything related to food. Being intimately caught up in this process but at the top of the food chain is an extreme erotic frustration, multiplied by the fact that I am love shy and still a virgin at almost 30, never having even hooked up. It’s a terrible burden, it has no release, and I’m pissed to have been born in a time before something like matrix-style virtual reality where such a thing would be possible. I love the sensation of hunger, my body having to eat itself, and I almost inadvertently starved myself to death as I went into psychosis in my early 20’s. I am at a healthy weight now thanks to sedating medicine, but still, every time I eat it is a shamefully erotic experience, and now more than ever I can feel so much of what’s going on inside of me in the GI tract, nutrients going through my bloodstream, and even metabolism, as though I am “tasting” the food not just with my tongue anymore but especially with my stomach and my entire body. How can something so bad feel so good? Thank you, living things, for your life essence, but I have absolutely no joy or rejoicing in the gift, but vicarious feelings of discomfort and shame and remorse. I don’t want your gift; it’s a horrible thing to take from you. I want to give of myself in return, but I just can’t stand taking. But we are supposed to do this or die, which is suicide. I absolutely loathe having to eat, yet I am really turned on by it out of an obsession with death somehow. I pray and pray and pray each time that, somehow, I may experience the same in return. The afterlife seems to be the only way, and I know it will be if my self-hate doesn’t ruin me first, but I have to wait so damn long to die, day in and day out filling that bottomless void where everything dies so that I may live. Maybe all this will go to God, if he accepts my hate too. I’ve got a Dr. Jekyl / Mr. Hyde thing going on. I’ve realized this is a most spiritual thing for me; perhaps what goes on down here is an imperfect, even crude reflection of what happens above, and I would never part ways with it in hopes if this fantasy being realized somehow. I feel that in a way this is a most wonderful blessing to have, except it has been a most difficult thing to handle. Perhaps about the core of myself that causes these problems and my other neuroses is vorarephilia, wherein I have erotic fantasy of being eaten whole and consciously experiencing being broken down and absorbed and used as nourishment, and as a consequence of the process I experience an annihilation of personhood and identity. I don’t understand how others can take and feed seemingly without with what seems to be any discomfort or enjoyment from the sensual digestive sensations within themselves and the reality that even plants and bacteria are / were once alive and that “you are what you eat.” My shame simply overcomes my thanks for the food. It seems to be either a non-factor or perhaps an accepted and loved thing (someone who’s dealt with this I haven’t come across), as though the thought doesn’t occur (eating is pretty base and fundamental, people don’t concern themselves with this when they’re busy living life perhaps) or they have the self-esteem and acceptance of the way things are to not be bothered at all by it and cope with or even enjoy the necessity of sacrifice of other living things. Life is hell for me even on this basic fact. It seems I have great trouble with not just food, but having an appetite for the intangibles too. How can I love eating without feeling shame and dysphoria, or can these emotions be lived with and transformed into something positive (I'm drawing from Karla McLaren's "The Language of Emotions" book)? Google has had no answer for me on this on my specific case, am I alone with this particular flavor of Eating Disorder NOS?
  11. Hi Rachelsmom ! I worry about the same thing when offering support, so, I'm totally cool with that, and you're spot on btw ! I have come across excerpts from C.S. Lewis's writings and been quite moved by what I've read (through much searching I have come time and time again back to Jesus as being the Son of God, though still I'm working through some unorthodox beliefs ). Even in the angst, on the other side of the coin are parallels to such a man of faith !? It's quite amazing how things can work out that way, so I'm quite inspired, Rachelsmom! I've got a nightmare of a reading list / current books but I would love to start reading this book as soon as it comes in, I've went ahead and bought it to be sure! Surely, there's hope yet for me returning to college despite mental illness and medication side-effects, if I can find the right accommodations, this time to studies in comparative religion or seminary (both eventually I'm sure ). I'll make sure to be well-prepared with prior readings . Thanks again for the support and reading reference !
  12. Better, now that I'm done with the discord server support project and don't have nerve-wracking deadlines leading to self-defeating stress. Now I can go at a reasonable pace with my studies in psychology, spirituality, and the healing arts in both of those domains (and perhaps one day I'll start work with tai-chi to complete the mind-body-spirit balance ). So, lets see if support is something I really want to focus on now as a "career" or hobby at least or if it's simply the experience of being a social creature as a means to complement my deep spiritual interests. Both is always an option I suppose .
  13. So, what have I realistically accomplished for myself, I ask to myself, in this thought process / epiphany? I haven't found the self-sufficiency to maintain even basic needs like shelter and food, but at least I think I've managed to find peace of mind in my current living arrangements and health and hopefully and mental preparedness for most any circumstances. Just thinking though that all I have to do now is breathe until I die, whether or not I end up homeless or permanently dependent on assistance, and then hopefully oneness again in the beatific vision. I think it's hell enough being here that there shouldn't be much asked of us but to bear through it.
  14. Thanks Tearz for the advice , and I'm happy to see you BillyC, LonelyHiker, JD4010 and sober4life posting here with yall's perspectives! This is so good! Thanks everyone for posting here ! I think the universe is a kind of self-organizing tapestry somehow, where we see the underside of it and things appear like they aren't working out for the greater good or at least in our individual interests (and I can definitely understand feeling like nothing is working for one, like being singled out). I wish I could express more just how much it felt like I had been dealt a poor hand in life and gotten the short end of the ****ty stick, because now it's like that's all behind me somehow. I've seen a bit of a tapestry to my life hindsight 20/20, and feel that if things had went differently I wouldn't have been as well introduced to collective suffering so as to be able to actually understand what its like from a first-hand perspective and be a light in a world that seems so dark. As much as I hate it, learning happens through time by experience - the alternative would be instant-download instant-gratification instant-everything and there would be no place for time. And, that to me is problematic because it makes things less real, less earned, and less rewarding - a whole different order to reality that's less real. So, it seems its necessary to allow for good/bad duality because time itself being a necessity to existence seems to require it. As a created things in existence, we're having to play by the same rules as everything else, ranging from experiencing the beauty of spring to the catastrophe of an asteroid, and hopefully it will work out for us beautifully like evolution itself has for life. We're here and we're stuck with it so all we can do is do good and hope that it makes things better for others and us while we keep our trojan horses against the powers that be ready to unload when our time comes . Reflecting back on how the I went through all of that above angst throughout my life, condensed it all here like fruit juice concentrate, it looks kinda like a Monty-python skit or "the story of Job" where I just broke the 4th wall or something at the end and do like something that seems totally random to tie things up. It was like the answer I came up with to my angst came almost out of nowhere, literally, where "being present" had not worked before and only seemed to make me worse in fact. It's as though there was a discontinuity between the problem and the epiphany but somehow I'm still going strong and haven't much returned back to the angst after getting the rest off my chest with some friends in discord and receiving support that healed the pain both spiritually for the angst and psychologically for the pain of life. So, it seems the difference between how one person ticks or another when it comes to trauma is how one has learned to identify with it. As an example, athletes have to relish muscle pain from working out as a part of their discipline, but as someone who hated the hurt of pain I couldn't push through and be one. Still, though, now I feel that I can be an athlete with my perspective on pain now . I'm even doing cool mind-over-matter isometric exercises where I'm constantly working my body out with isometric tension even at rest like wild animals do to stay in shape. When moving, I constantly flex my muscles for even better results. It's taken around 6 months to get into the habit, and I'm even seeing results on my yunmai scale with excellent muscle mass, bone density, and fat that's melting away. So yeah everything has been getting better and I think everything is connected, my physical health improving even and not just my mind, just by having sought the questions so that I could climb my way out of floundering in ignorant of ignorance. Knowing the questions to ask is more important than and a pre-requisite to knowing the answers IMO. It's the questions that guide and define one's belief paradigm. It's the essential step of coming out of not knowing of not knowing. I want to share a meditation I had and shared on discord. I think it pretty much sums the new thought-process I've had to address my existential angst. I feel so content despite the fact that my illness has basically destroyed everything that I had worked for that I feel that I fail in connecting with other's pain. I suck at offering support because when I try to offer direct sage advice it seems to miss the mark and be directly wrong and unhelpful instead. Still, I try. I wish from the bottom of my heart good fortune for and from any circumstances for everyone, but my faith just seems too care-free about whatever the Universe may manifest to offer anyone who seeks a specific outcome anything that can quell anxieties about an uncertain future in the face of real dangers. No, you are not losing your mind or going crazy I think and try to convey. You are waking up to the realness and hardness of reality, and pain is about the most knocking sensation of reality there is. But there is hope in that tangibleness of reality somehow. The realness seems to be a gift itself. All i can recommend for a formula to contentment is hope that everything will work out in the end for everyone and everything no matter what or how things unfold in the interim. Peace and love to all! Keep the hope and fight the good fight! Thanks for reading my stories too, cheers mates ! Keep the fight brothers and sisters!
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