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OtherKin

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About OtherKin

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Mississippi, USA
  • Interests
    Other people, metaphor, ki, chakra, healing arts, wisdom of life, occult knowledge of creation, experiencing sensing and living more in 6th dimensional consciousness and mindful perception, fitness and tai-chi

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  1. Hey everyone again. It hasn't exactly been smooth sailing since. It seems mindfulness is only half the picture, the psyche still has to process its contents - it's just happening in the present moment. My main thing is that I form anger and hate-based "contracts" with my past, myself, and God based on what I find unacceptable, and the real ****ed up thing of the matter is that I've found that the more I want something the less I get it. The more I hate something, the more present it is in my life. The more depressed / sad / out of sorts I am, the less able people are able to comfort me (or the more unpleasant I become) and the worse off I become, therefore causing a feedback loop. Those who cultivate meaning in their lives get more of it, while those who curse their meaninglessness end up with what they hate in a way. I understand this is just cause and effect in this fallen world, we don't have angels present to heal people with God's standard of love, we only have each other. But damn am I mad that things work that way. The Universe seems to be rigged to reward those who play by its rules of the natural order, and if its anything like, for example, emotion, most of it is pain and suffering to get to that nugget of joy. If one does not find life acceptable, complaining and murmuring, and bickering, it punishes those who are shocked by it and can't accept it - no matter how good of a person they are. It will turn them against itself and themselves until they eat their words, and I just find this deeply insulting. That I was supposed to learn the hard way how not to be selfish (by being teased and ridiculed and called names and made to feel small) instead of simply being loved and taught and made to realize my potential pisses me off. I'm damaged now, a scratched CD, a beat up car, and I ****ing hate it. I hate having a starting point at say, for sake of analogy, 5,000 feet, hitting rock bottom, then having to get back to baseline with all that wasted time and unwanted pain, instead of being where I would have rather been all along. What good can come of suffering, as far as I understand, is only grace. It only happens in spite of suffering, after a long, downward spiral. However, maybe this is an almost universal experience on Earth, and maybe a "pain-free" life is really bad for some reason in the spirit of truth for the way things are on Earth. There's lots of pointless suffering to go around because, as Sartre said, "Hell is other people," and if I count my blessings then most of that evaporates away and I can see my suffering simply as an introduction to the collective energy of the planet. If I were in a position to not be subject to bathing in that energy, then who are the ones that are not and would be the company I would be with? It may be the case that these people are people of power for the most part and are the ones making life miserable for everyone, and then they isolate themselves in comfort (otherwise, one has to go through suffering first and find peace to create a space of peace in an otherwise dark world). I can definitely understand that my imagination may not be realistic when I imagine others' perfect lives, and I would choose suffering over that anytime.
  2. Just yesterday morning to afternoon was great, I was feeling quite well and happy and content to be where I was at in life. Then a switch flipped and I was triggered and I'm cursing God with my thoughts with my Dr. Jekyl / Mr. Hyde personality. Who is the real me ๐Ÿ˜ž ?
  3. I am now in the best of moods. Euphoria. It's been a fantastic day so far. I am in a mindful, forward-oriented mindset now. Lets see if I can unravel it... I now have a high-performance computer from falcon northwest, that is bleeding edge top tier. Here is my a part of my review of it so far, " ...I use this computer a lot, and moving from my old computer, getting used to the instantaneous speed of this one has actually transferred to speeding up my life in general. I think more quickly, am more efficient at every task, and am happier in general. " I am in the best physical health that I have ever been in, I have limitless energy to accomplish anything, and I only need 4 hours of sleep a night (I am a short sleeper), and I am generally a happy and empathic person. I should have plenty of time to prepare and train for some kind of career I can do from home. I want to and see that I can pursue my dreams and not depend on others for happiness. But now at least, my life is absolutely amazing, except that I don't know how to cope with two things: 1. I wanted to be/have xyz... What was the point of all the pointless suffering that I had to endure to get there? I posted about it in: 2. I'm fasting and not hungry right now. It's so much easier for me to be happy when I'm not having to cope with vorarephilia. So, it isn't all bad. I don't think I'll ever be suicidal but I don't want to jeporadize my relationship with God with such depressed/self-loathing / angst with God moods that come and go as though a switch were flipped. They both seem real while I'm in these moods.
  4. Hello everyone, I'm still pretty new to the forums but long story short, I've come here to depression forums for support with several mental illnesses, including high-functioning autism, schizophrenia, and bi-polar (perhaps borderline personality) disorder. Pleased to meet everyone here in eating disorders and I hope I can find others who have had similar struggles with eating. It's a very embarrassing topic and hits close to home, but I'm at the end of my rope almost and hope for support. The dynamic of the members of the natural order being mutually dependent on each other by eating each other drives me nuts, and it has for the most part gotten worse since childhood (I was practically born with this fixation, having what is known as vorarephilia since I was in diapers still). Even with vorarephilia, I havenโ€™t come across anyone who has problems with eating because of it, and I am still easily triggered and shaken by anything related to food. Being intimately caught up in this process but at the top of the food chain is an extreme erotic frustration, multiplied by the fact that I am love shy and still a virgin at almost 30, never having even hooked up. Itโ€™s a terrible burden, it has no release, and Iโ€™m pissed to have been born in a time before something like matrix-style virtual reality where such a thing would be possible. I love the sensation of hunger, my body having to eat itself, and I almost inadvertently starved myself to death as I went into psychosis in my early 20โ€™s. I am at a healthy weight now thanks to sedating medicine, but still, every time I eat it is a shamefully erotic experience, and now more than ever I can feel so much of whatโ€™s going on inside of me in the GI tract, nutrients going through my bloodstream, and even metabolism, as though I am โ€œtastingโ€ the food not just with my tongue anymore but especially with my stomach and my entire body. How can something so bad feel so good? Thank you, living things, for your life essence, but I have absolutely no joy or rejoicing in the gift, but vicarious feelings of discomfort and shame and remorse. I donโ€™t want your gift; itโ€™s a horrible thing to take from you. I want to give of myself in return, but I just canโ€™t stand taking. But we are supposed to do this or die, which is suicide. I absolutely loathe having to eat, yet I am really turned on by it out of an obsession with death somehow. I pray and pray and pray each time that, somehow, I may experience the same in return. The afterlife seems to be the only way, and I know it will be if my self-hate doesnโ€™t ruin me first, but I have to wait so damn long to die, day in and day out filling that bottomless void where everything dies so that I may live. Maybe all this will go to God, if he accepts my hate too. Iโ€™ve got a Dr. Jekyl / Mr. Hyde thing going on. Iโ€™ve realized this is a most spiritual thing for me; perhaps what goes on down here is an imperfect, even crude reflection of what happens above, and I would never part ways with it in hopes if this fantasy being realized somehow. I feel that in a way this is a most wonderful blessing to have, except it has been a most difficult thing to handle. Perhaps about the core of myself that causes these problems and my other neuroses is vorarephilia, wherein I have erotic fantasy of being eaten whole and consciously experiencing being broken down and absorbed and used as nourishment, and as a consequence of the process I experience an annihilation of personhood and identity. I donโ€™t understand how others can take and feed seemingly without with what seems to be any discomfort or enjoyment from the sensual digestive sensations within themselves and the reality that even plants and bacteria are / were once alive and that โ€œyou are what you eat.โ€ My shame simply overcomes my thanks for the food. It seems to be either a non-factor or perhaps an accepted and loved thing (someone whoโ€™s dealt with this I havenโ€™t come across), as though the thought doesnโ€™t occur (eating is pretty base and fundamental, people donโ€™t concern themselves with this when theyโ€™re busy living life perhaps) or they have the self-esteem and acceptance of the way things are to not be bothered at all by it and cope with or even enjoy the necessity of sacrifice of other living things. Life is hell for me even on this basic fact. It seems I have great trouble with not just food, but having an appetite for the intangibles too. How can I love eating without feeling shame and dysphoria, or can these emotions be lived with and transformed into something positive (I'm drawing from Karla McLaren's "The Language of Emotions" book)? Google has had no answer for me on this on my specific case, am I alone with this particular flavor of Eating Disorder NOS?
  5. Hi Rachelsmom ๐Ÿ˜€ ! I worry about the same thing when offering support, so, I'm totally cool with that, and you're spot on btw ๐Ÿ˜› ! I have come across excerpts from C.S. Lewis's writings and been quite moved by what I've read (through much searching I have come time and time again back to Jesus as being the Son of God, though still I'm working through some unorthodox beliefs ). Even in the angst, on the other side of the coin are parallels to such a man of faith ๐Ÿ˜ฎ !? It's quite amazing how things can work out that way, so I'm quite inspired, Rachelsmom! I've got a nightmare of a reading list / current books but I would love to start reading this book as soon as it comes in, I've went ahead and bought it to be sure! Surely, there's hope yet for me returning to college despite mental illness and medication side-effects, if I can find the right accommodations, this time to studies in comparative religion or seminary (both eventually I'm sure ๐Ÿ™‚ ). I'll make sure to be well-prepared with prior readings ๐Ÿค“. Thanks again for the support and reading reference ๐Ÿ™‚ !
  6. Better, now that I'm done with the discord server support project and don't have nerve-wracking deadlines leading to self-defeating stress. Now I can go at a reasonable pace with my studies in psychology, spirituality, and the healing arts in both of those domains (and perhaps one day I'll start work with tai-chi to complete the mind-body-spirit balance ๐Ÿ˜› ). So, lets see if support is something I really want to focus on now as a "career" or hobby at least or if it's simply the experience of being a social creature as a means to complement my deep spiritual interests. Both is always an option I suppose ๐Ÿ™‚ .
  7. So, what have I realistically accomplished for myself, I ask to myself, in this thought process / epiphany? I haven't found the self-sufficiency to maintain even basic needs like shelter and food, but at least I think I've managed to find peace of mind in my current living arrangements and health and hopefully and mental preparedness for most any circumstances. Just thinking though that all I have to do now is breathe until I die, whether or not I end up homeless or permanently dependent on assistance, and then hopefully oneness again in the beatific vision. I think it's hell enough being here that there shouldn't be much asked of us but to bear through it.
  8. Thanks Tearz for the advice ๐Ÿ™‚ , and I'm happy to see you BillyC, LonelyHiker, JD4010 and sober4life posting here with yall's perspectives! This is so good! Thanks everyone for posting here ๐Ÿ˜„ ! I think the universe is a kind of self-organizing tapestry somehow, where we see the underside of it and things appear like they aren't working out for the greater good or at least in our individual interests (and I can definitely understand feeling like nothing is working for one, like being singled out). I wish I could express more just how much it felt like I had been dealt a poor hand in life and gotten the short end of the ****ty stick, because now it's like that's all behind me somehow. I've seen a bit of a tapestry to my life hindsight 20/20, and feel that if things had went differently I wouldn't have been as well introduced to collective suffering so as to be able to actually understand what its like from a first-hand perspective and be a light in a world that seems so dark. As much as I hate it, learning happens through time by experience - the alternative would be instant-download instant-gratification instant-everything and there would be no place for time. And, that to me is problematic because it makes things less real, less earned, and less rewarding - a whole different order to reality that's less real. So, it seems its necessary to allow for good/bad duality because time itself being a necessity to existence seems to require it. As a created things in existence, we're having to play by the same rules as everything else, ranging from experiencing the beauty of spring to the catastrophe of an asteroid, and hopefully it will work out for us beautifully like evolution itself has for life. We're here and we're stuck with it so all we can do is do good and hope that it makes things better for others and us while we keep our trojan horses against the powers that be ready to unload when our time comes ๐Ÿ˜› . Reflecting back on how the I went through all of that above angst throughout my life, condensed it all here like fruit juice concentrate, it looks kinda like a Monty-python skit or "the story of Job" where I just broke the 4th wall or something at the end and do like something that seems totally random to tie things up. It was like the answer I came up with to my angst came almost out of nowhere, literally, where "being present" had not worked before and only seemed to make me worse in fact. It's as though there was a discontinuity between the problem and the epiphany but somehow I'm still going strong and haven't much returned back to the angst after getting the rest off my chest with some friends in discord and receiving support that healed the pain both spiritually for the angst and psychologically for the pain of life. So, it seems the difference between how one person ticks or another when it comes to trauma is how one has learned to identify with it. As an example, athletes have to relish muscle pain from working out as a part of their discipline, but as someone who hated the hurt of pain I couldn't push through and be one. Still, though, now I feel that I can be an athlete with my perspective on pain now ๐Ÿ™‚ . I'm even doing cool mind-over-matter isometric exercises where I'm constantly working my body out with isometric tension even at rest like wild animals do to stay in shape. When moving, I constantly flex my muscles for even better results. It's taken around 6 months to get into the habit, and I'm even seeing results on my yunmai scale with excellent muscle mass, bone density, and fat that's melting away. So yeah everything has been getting better and I think everything is connected, my physical health improving even and not just my mind, just by having sought the questions so that I could climb my way out of floundering in ignorant of ignorance. Knowing the questions to ask is more important than and a pre-requisite to knowing the answers IMO. It's the questions that guide and define one's belief paradigm. It's the essential step of coming out of not knowing of not knowing. I want to share a meditation I had and shared on discord. I think it pretty much sums the new thought-process I've had to address my existential angst. I feel so content despite the fact that my illness has basically destroyed everything that I had worked for that I feel that I fail in connecting with other's pain. I suck at offering support because when I try to offer direct sage advice it seems to miss the mark and be directly wrong and unhelpful instead. Still, I try. I wish from the bottom of my heart good fortune for and from any circumstances for everyone, but my faith just seems too care-free about whatever the Universe may manifest to offer anyone who seeks a specific outcome anything that can quell anxieties about an uncertain future in the face of real dangers. No, you are not losing your mind or going crazy I think and try to convey. You are waking up to the realness and hardness of reality, and pain is about the most knocking sensation of reality there is. But there is hope in that tangibleness of reality somehow. The realness seems to be a gift itself. All i can recommend for a formula to contentment is hope that everything will work out in the end for everyone and everything no matter what or how things unfold in the interim. Peace and love to all! Keep the hope and fight the good fight! Thanks for reading my stories too, cheers mates ๐Ÿ˜„ ! Keep the fight brothers and sisters!
  9. I agree ๐Ÿ™‚ ! I agree recovering from trauma makes us stronger, it's a fact of life and a necessary protection/adaptive skill for an otherwise hostile and dangerous world. Recovering from trauma does strange things to the mind, an involution of consciousness wherein one becomes weller than well in certain aspects. It's a strange thing that hurt and pain seems to be almost a kind of gateway to wisdom and strength and personal power, but it is at least a good thing that can be, nonetheless. Take Dissociative Identity Disorder, for instance, often a result of great trauma and/or traumatic in itself. Getting used to the way the mind functions and mastering the literal collective one is brings great and profound inter- and intra- personal skills that can only be described by meeting a system and experiencing their sense of self first-hand. Though, in my opinion excessive / unnaturally forced trauma is only good by the ends, the means aren't necessarily justified as growth can be learned and attained with the natural, unavoidable trauma that comes with life even when there's peace.
  10. Hello again, @Epictetus :D! I used to drive, but now I can't yet because I'm adapting to sensory and attention issues. In the meantime, though, with the internet now an at-home job would be a god-send, like teleconference jobs in the humanties or teaching or psychiatric professions, being a kind of consultant, or computer science (jobs with minimal human contact don't interest me any more though) ๐Ÿ˜„ ! Who knows what will be in store for me if I make connections, perhaps I (anyone for that matter ๐Ÿ™‚ ) would even be offered a new place to live with accommodations if I find the right employer (or I get found instead ๐Ÿ˜› ). Mutual communication and friendship makes it even better I'm sure ๐Ÿ˜„ !
  11. That's like exactly what I came to realize just this morning m8, thanks ๐Ÿ‘! Synchronicity ๐Ÿ˜› ! Part of what I have to do is be less hard on myself, and the other part is that I need time... I watch other users post here and pay attention to their strategies as best as I can ๐Ÿ™‚ . I can't help but wonder how many times anyone who has been here been in the same situation starting out afresh here. Hopefully anyone going through this can still press on as a battle lost and not the war ๐Ÿ™‚ . No matter my knowledge on the subject of self-help, if I'm coming from a place that is anything less than completely healed, my perspective will be off at the time and I will miss the mark. Sometimes my mood is fit and I do a good job, other times it seems that no matter my desire I am simply cognitively and emotively incapable of providing the right support from a healthy, heart-felt state. So, as long as that's going on then overall I am not stable enough to be an example of it ๐Ÿ˜ž . The thing is, I've received such praise from a few close friends I'm working with on a discord server project. They've been at the trade for a while and I've just been at a miss as to their confidence in me just starting out now. Things are moving at a quick pace too for both me and the project, even though I'm basically having to "evolve or die," think on my feet, and prepare myself soon something that I have only had cursory experiences of competence in so far. So, I do feel that with my desire rooted in experience of trauma and mental illness (a childhood dream I had even ๐Ÿ˜„ ) I hopefully also have the potential. It's just is it reasonable for me to expect what basically has to be exponential growth through a week or two if I just try hard enough using good judgment. Will it get me to a stable place of peace to where I'm not distressing over needing to go to the inpatient hospital in my mood swings. Again, thanks Shio ๐Ÿ™‚ .
  12. For me, disability has been pretty vital for being less of a burden on my support group so money isn't an issue either itself or as a point of stress. It's giving me the time to adjust to the years of system shock of having contracted mental illness in the first place, so hopefully I can get back on my feet ๐Ÿ™‚ .
  13. I've made great strides as of recent with coping with mental illness and moving forward in life but I still feel bummed because I struggle to utilize my learning experiences and coping strategies to the benefit of others. I want to help, but there's always a risk of not helping instead and I just end up feeling bummed out when that happens because I don't think there's much worse a feeling of failure when people and lives are at stake. Still, though, the greatest risk of all is to not take chances at all.
  14. seachellie, I cannot help but keep thinking about your pain. Please, if what I've said provides no comfort then it is of no use and I have failed you in my efforts to support you. My life path changed dramatically with severe mental illness, but things have worked out and I'm okay now, even if things are now not as I had expected or hope to be as. But everybody's story is different, ya? So, I feel like I've missed the mark in trying to be supportive, and I offer my sincerest apologies. Please, keep the hope!
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